Zut alors - Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Below: A typical Frenchman: 'Je Suis un smelly lazy radical homm avec le bad breathe'

OK you’re the manager of a national team and you have played 2 games against reasonable opponents. The first team came at you with everything they had and still you played flowing rugby and won, the second team you played away from home, they outscored you something like 3 tries to one but you still dug deep and won. The next game is the big one – talked about as the championship decider against a team on the up and at their home, their fortress. So what do you do? Oh of course, you change a third of your team and completely change your tactics.

Ahh the French, a certain je ne sais quoi that you can’t put your finger on, a joie de vivre and a Gallic shrug all combined to create a frustratingly rude, bad breathed European. I will say that their roads are better than Italy’s but then again so are Libya’s and Afghanistan’s. It’s said every 6 nations that you don’t know which French team will turn up but they are right. Are they the XV that took New Zealand apart in the 1999 World cup or are they the team that were pretty much humiliated by an Australian team who couldn’t out scrummage Rod, Jane and Freddy from Rainbow.

As you all know the peoples who inhabit the British Isles are loathe to complain too much. Not the French. If a Frenchman is giving a breakfast he neither agrees with or likes the next thing he does is takes it down to his nearest port where he will burn it and then he will march through Paris waving banners and singing songs against crap breakfasts. The French Government will then change its entire policy on breakfasts (unless you are an ethnic and then they will open fire and/or bend you).

Below: A Frenchman with shit red trousers burning xmas gifts he didnt like at a port

Leivremont could have one of the best teams in the world if only he didn’t act like some Alzheimer’s riddled geriatric after being hit over the head. He has selected absolutely loads of players which in my mind cheapens the international cap. It’s not as if they haven’t got an ‘A’ side where he can’t try these combinations. There aren’t many players in France that haven’t been capped by Leivre-mental but sure as eggs is oeufes (geddit) France will pull out a fantastic game out of the bag in the world cup.

So what’s going to happen in the next few weeks? If one France turns up. They will arrive in Italy not take it seriously and then make loads of mistakes as they nonchalantly give the ball away. Italy will be at home increasing their powers tenfold and will sneak a win, against Wales they will concede an early try where the fickle Parisian public will start booing in the first 5 minutes. The French will start punching the Welsh team then each other and Gallic shrugging will go up to factor 8. They will still score 4 tries against a hapless Welsh side but Wales will score more.

Alternatively this side could turn up. Italy are brushed aside through brutal first class forward play and then superb cutting rugby – they are tuned. Against Wales, they start at such fervour that Wales cannot get into the game and are blown away……

So they could win or lose or a bit of both – you heard it here first.