i say chaps - here come the English

Above: a typical Englishman

English people are really posh, who live in mansions and have Welsh and Scottish servants. They have Irish ones too but because their not paid they are called slaves. They all talk funny and drive range rovers. They went to school in a place like Hogwarts where they bullied each other with their willies. They also wear Barbour jackets, flat caps and wellies but not cheap black ones. They are all bi-sexual but are actually scared of sex unless it’s with cats and they cant drink or fight.

Well as you can guess that’s not true, everyone knows that they are also scared of having sex with cats.

Above: Twickenham car park on international day. you cant see but behind them are Morris dancers and pearly kings and queens

Ahh the neighbours, the sais, the Sassenach, the auld enemy, les rosbifs, the poms. I know many of you will disagree but I don’t give a fuck, its good to see them swagger again. The 6 nations would be shit without them and even when they are crap they are never that crap or never that crap for long. Now it sounds like I am sitting in the coop on my knees with todger in hand and in front of me laid out on the centre pages are pictures of Will bumchin Carling, Brian Moore and Ben Fogle but I am only saying what’s obviously true.

I have said this before and I will say it again. I would rather spend my time in the company of an English rugby supporter for 5 hours than 2 minutes with a Welsh soccer supporter. Still there’s no reason to get over emotional they’re still massive cocky bummers who love themselves. They have been consistently the best side in this 6 nations and if that performance was repeated over the next few weeks they would be worthy grand slam winners. They have some fantastic players. The back 3 are on fire and with the case of Ashton, I wish he were. Flood has been fantastic and who wouldn’t want Wilkinson on the bench. One of the best players of the past 12 years and although as boring as one of Fat Mikes chats on division 5 east rugby, someone to depend on. One spot of worry is the centres and I am sure most English people would agree that I wouldn’t pick shontayne hape for 3 reasons.

1. He has a completely ridiculous name
2. looks like Labour leader Ed Milliband
3. probably plays like him

The English pack are also going great guns but I cant get it into my head to rate Easter (the player not the holiday which is fucking ace because of chocolate button eggs). Dylan Hartley has a face that even his mother would want to punch but he is a dynamic player, even better when opposition coaches goad him. England also have a lot of good flankers to chose from and the 2nd row Palmer has been great.

Everybody wants the English to get beat but who wants to beat a bunch of losers. We now have the English players who are in their pomp, who can play their game and can talk the talk and walk the walk. I always felt sorry for heffalump Martin Corry shuffling off the pitch after a loss and I don’t want to feel sorry for them. I want to see players like Foden, Ashton and Hartley gobbing off! I love the rivalry that we have in rugby, the one where we take the piss out of each other and let our drinking, my looks and the banter do the talking. And what’s better for us watching gobshites coming off the field after a loss!!

Above: look at that set of twats - The English team pose for the press before bumming fuck out of each other

So what’s in store from the boys from HQ. They have played well and as I have said they have the individuals but unlike Wales they play like a team and look like they are enjoying themselves. They have got a lot more to them but if this is a Grand slam team then there is a chance that the demons that come with it aren’t far behind.
Better English teams than this have lost to a Celtic country on the last days of the 5/6 nations. Its happened before and it can happen again – the English should win but the question is can they handle the pressure.

PPS I have forgotten about a sub-tribe of English people called ‘northerners’ they are in fact English but don’t speak the language. They live in their own excrement fighting with and stealing off each other. They all claim they live in the best place in the world and spend the rest of their lives trying to leave it or they stay and make it even more of a shit hole. By law the females of the tribe must be pregnant by 15 and have to smoke during their pregnancy. These aren’t my words but the exact words from the Conservative Party manifesto for anywhere outside the centre of London