Wingers - faster than Chris Parry?? - doubt it!!

Wingers, such great wingers and so many to consider. Obviously I consider myself in the category great and would include Mssrs Pete Dev and Fat Mike. Chris Parry would obviously include himself but if we follow that rational we could also include Rick Waller and Sir Stephen Hawking.




(above - Chris Parry and a friend collect their runners up medals in last years Bath Spa 7's)

As I have already stated I have decided not to go too far back as, although I have seen film of Gerald Davies and Dai Duckham – that would just get boring.
I will start off with Welsh wingers. I wanted to put Gareth Thomas in, he is a great player and very versatile. He makes me very secure that he is in the Welsh side but what is he, Full back, winger or centre – I don’t think he is amazing in any of those positions but bizarrely he is an amazing player – don’t understand? Don’t ask? I don’t either.
Another person like this is Dafydd James. A centre through and through but competed for Wales on the wing and was such a great player at the end of the nineties and beginning of the noughties that he was not only picked to go on the Lions 2001 but played, and well, in all three tests.
For me the two wingers that I would put in my team would be Shane Williams and Ieuan Evans. I know that Shane Williams is a bit of a surprise but I remember the first time I saw him live, it was against Italy and every time he touched the ball the whole stadium were enthralled, a general gasp went around wanting to know what the diminutive wizard would do next . He may be small but his running angles and ability to beat the man can change games, people want to see him and he is hard as well. The way he played against the All Blacks in 2003 and Argentina in 2005 was awe inspiring. His defence isn’t as dodgy as what ‘the man in the pub’ always points to and who would worry about that when you have Howarth at his back.

No doubts about defence or anything else to be honest with regards to Ieuan the Lion, the Carmarthen cowboy. 72 caps for Wales, 6 for the Lions over 3 tours, 33 tries for Wales and countless others, among them the try that beat the Aussies in 1989 and the English in 1993, a European cup medal winner and the bloke who finished the try that Bill Maclaren (priase his name above all even Mr T and Brian Blessed) commented so:

“Inside Duncan, inside Gavin Hastings, inside everybody, Jink Jink Jink and that was out of top drawer, Merlin the magician couldn’t have done better himself”.

Well, I could have. Ieuan had it all except dress sense, Jeans and daps…tut.

Internationally
Many people would think me foolish to discard John Kirwan but I didn’t see too much of him and I think he was injured before the 1989 All Blacks tour (one of the best teams in history). I considered Josh Lewsey as well, a cracking all rounder but I put him in the same category as Gareth Thomas (see above). Doug Howlett, Rico Gear and Joe Rocococo, great players but for the best of the best I want something more which brings me to my final three. The person who I left out, just, was a player who I loved to watch but I wouldn’t expect many people to remember him never mind rate him and that was Patrice Lagisquet, the Bayonne express. The player seemed lightning back in the early 90’s, I thought of him because I wanted Blanco as full back and they complemented each other. However I plumbed for the following duo Jonah Lomu and David Campese. I really don’t feel like I should have to justify my selections because they speak for themselves. However try I must, David Campese, even though he was knob that could give away a try in a pass, could in the next move start and finish a move that won the match. His side step and general awareness was mercurial and his confidence bordered on arrogant which I loved.
When thinking about Lomu you always think about the 1995 World Cup in South Africa and especially when he destroyed England. He was extraordinary but he wasn’t just a crash bang wallop merchant, sure he could make Big Will look like Clysts but he had a great rugby brain and a huge side-step. His guts to come back from a debilitating illness was phenomenal and even though he took it a step to far coming back a second time (waddling around like Ski) he still had the rugby brain. A nice guy who would have to organise the taxis and the kitty cos he can’t drink as much anymore, he definitely would be wanted around if Taz got punchy.

so there is mine but I doubt you will have much of a different international pairing.

Welsh teams in Europe! by t' Merthyr Yoth

Last weekend we seen the start of the new european season, and even though there is only 3 out of the 4 welsh regions involved this year it looked promising to see that they all won! 2 out of the 3 where away wins which makes it impressive, but the game that made it more impressive was the ospreys win over the English champions Sale Sharks! They played to the final whistle and it paid off with interest!

The only disappointing win i feel is the way the Scarlets let the London Irish come back at them in the last 20 mins of the game, but they still come away with a bonus point win on an away game which has proven to be costly in past years of the competition.
The Cardiff Blues played well to win in France and hopefully will be able to continue this form as they have been placed in one of the hardest groups, with Leicester and current champions Munster!

Lets all hope that last week was not just a bit of luck for our Welsh teams but one of the last steps showing that Welsh rugby is becoming great again!

full back by London Welsh

Quick one from me as I am currently working harder than a 3 year old in a pakistani sweatshop...

Wales - Being a fullback myself this is quite a decision. As much as I loved Howarth and his passion for his country (and his blinding DG against Argentina from 45 yds!) he played on a lie. If I were giving out citizenship, he would get it no question... but I don't make the rules.

If you're talking angles McManus, the guy i'd pick (from viewing) would be Mike Rayer, the man so good they named a piss up after him. I loved it when he took the 15 off Clements (twat), and the two tries against Scotland in 1994 live lovingly in my memory.

International - As much as I hate to say it, he's english. So solid, very versitile and put in the best comeback i've ever seen! Eng v Aus, 2003. Jumped up little ex-touch rugby (league) twat Mat Rogers gives my man a sly dig on the floor, I think followed by a knee and Aussie mouth filth about fuck knows. My man waits for the next time Mat is at first receiver and times his hit perfectly. not too late to be penalised, late enough to decimate his mind and body and leave Mat to be carried off with 2 broken ribs. I do of course refer to ex-army hard cunt Josh Lewsey. I dont know if he drinks. I';d be dissappointed if he didnt. I'd replace him in a "good looking blond squad" though. Just.

Best XV's - Fergs choice full back.

Dear girls knickers,
With the autumn internationals almost upon us, most normal men with backbone and lives are thinking about rugby. Many of us will actually go to the pub and the conversations will be diverse. From the sitting/standing pooing debate (which some people cant be bothered to state their preference – twats) to how many top class rugby players have Cardiff made shit and not forgetting the eternal question of who would win a race out of superman and the Flash. One of my favourites however is the who would I have in my all time 15. So I thought I would put a Welsh XV and an international XV to play against down to see if anyone can be arsed to agree or disagree.

While I would love to put down JPR, Gareth, and Dai Duckham they were a little beforemy time (mitch - from Fishguard you can put these down!!) so I have kept my selection to players I have seen from my childhood till now. Obviously Spenny and Ski etc will pick an English team, Connair and Sex pest to pick an Irish one, Will to pick a Japanese one and as soon as we know where the fuck Fuzz is from, we can get his.

Today I pick my full backs. I must say that I put 2 names down almost immediately and no matter how many great players I added to the list, come the end I couldn’t bring myself to change them.
It depends what sort of full back you want. Old dependables like Gavin Hastings who while I consider boring as fuck, was a solid influence on a Scottish team. For my Welsh side the equivalent was Paul Thorburn. On one occasion he ran into the line and Bill Maclaren said
“…and Thorburn was going like a train” yes he was, a Sprinter train from Milford Haven to Carmarthen, I saw more movement from Roberts in 2003 and he didn’t move a lot.

So for the Welsh I had 3 choices, one is actually a current player but people forget that he has been around for nearly 10 years and if not for injury would have been a Lion in 1997, 2001 and 2005. He should make the Welsh side this autumn because without a doubt he is the best full back around. Its Kevin Morgan, everything I want in a full back but he just missed out to my choice. My other option who just missed out was the Swansea player Anthony Clement, although he played fly half, he was the full back during the 1988 triple crown season and made 2 Lions tours. He was great but most of all I loved his jink and his forest animals instinct to know where to go. In the end I picked someone who played for Wales but found out he was not actually eligible. This was after showing a commitment and a passion to my great country that was sadly lacking in many who have put on the jersey with the three feathers. His name is Shane Howarth, a true professional and a double hard bastard. Great runner, great passer, invincible under the high ball and people forget that he also scored a try against England in THAT match in 1999.

So lets look at the alternatives for my international team, Percy Montgomery, Jean-Babtiste Lafond and Christian Cullen are up there. Lafond was not as well known but I loved his confidence. Montgomery was great, a true competitor and oozed class especially when he came to Newport and then there was Cullen, while he still looked dangerous when playing for Munster, he was a shadow of his former self. When he played for the All Blacks he was truly awe inspiring, he ran great angles and was great under the high ball. So I got down to my final 2 and was gutted I had to leave the next player out, however I would put him in my squad. He really is fast as fuck and every time he got the ball against Wales I would truly shit myself, he is still a great player but luckily for us Andy Robinson the English coach wouldn’t know a good thing if he bought a good thing box from a good thing shop, opened it up and found a good thing staring back.

I am wandering somewhat so I will reveal my favourite full back. For my world XV I wanted my kind of player and this will make more sense as I name more of my team. I didn’t want a team full of good players I wanted a good team, bois that would set the rugby world alight and then burn down the bar afterwards as well. Jason Robinson doesn’t drink so I don’t understand him, I just find it very hard to trust people who don’t drink, I also don’t think he is that good under a high ball so that is why I am going for the chain smoking, wine drinking nasty bastard from France, Serge Blanco. It was his vision that set off that amazing try against the English in 1991 (I think), he was the one who scored that brilliant try against the Ozzies to reach the finals of the first world cup in 1987. He also was a dirty sod that knocked fuck out of the English winger during the 91 world cup. I am not sure he ever lost to Wales, we were so pants at the time we almost made him look godlike. He had everything and therefore is in my XV.

i look forward to hearing your views and your choices, however Neil and Ches should remember that they cant include themselves in their choice and i will shoot the first person that names Derwyn Jones as a full back

The Art of Winning Graciously by Ski Barr superstar wears crotchless knickers and a nipple crampp bra

Whilst I always look forward to an international weekend whoever is playing, there really is something very, very special about an England v Wales match. This predates the Lovechickens, and has always been the match I most looked forward to each and every year. I think for me the love of this game is down to the history and the pedigree of two sides that have in their time bathed in glory as the greatest teams of their time. (Northern Hemisphere). I refer to the great Welsh teams of the 70’s who created so many Rugby legends and more recently the Great English teams that have dominated the 5 nations and then 6 nations and obviously the current holders of the Webb Ellis Trophy.

I think that the passion the Welsh Nation has for the greatest game on earth (with the possible exception of Online Texas Hold Em Poker) is unrivalled and it is this passion that I now need to refer to.

The Welsh are the greatest, most gracious losers that it has been my pleasure to commiserate with after the final whistle has blown and we head off into the bars and clubs of Cardiff or Richmond with a pat on the back from every Taff we meet, stating what a great game the English played and how we deserved to win, whilst in return with our usual English graciousness concede that we had indeed played well but Wales had put up a hell of a fight and were unlucky not to have beaten us. We then all agree that we could lay no blame on the Welsh players but instead on the WRFU hierarchy for their incompetence before downing another 2 or 3 pints in quick succession, toasting both teams. This is how after game celebrations should take place.

Now I come to the point of this Blog. The Art of Winning Graciously or Disgraciously as it really should be headed. Whilst this is definitely not a dig at any of the Chickens, who have been more than gracious in the past, it is an observation of the Welsh in general once they are victorious. It is the change in attitude and behaviour towards anybody who is adorning any sign of an English Rose anywhere on their person. Instead of the commiseration ceremony by the victors towards the vanquished, there is an altogether different attitude adopted.

This can come in many degrees of negativity from just being a few nasty comments as to my English parentage to full on assault tactics.

As an example let me cast your mind back to the Wales v England game in Wembley on that glorious Saturday afternoon in April 1999. What a fantastic match, so closely matched throughout. We were in the Claude in Roath and what an atmosphere. A couple of hundred Welshmen and Women proudly in Red and only 2 or 3 of us Englishmen resplendent in our White Jersey’s. The atmosphere was fantastic, and the banter throughout the Claude was as good as I have ever known. Everybody was enjoying the game and the playful insults were being hurled across the pub at each other in the greatest of spirits. One minute to go and England are leading. Whilst the Welsh seemed to be resigned to yet another defeat at the hands of the old foe whilst the English could already feel the Grand Slam was won yet again, my good friend and Rugby Legend Scott Gibbs scores a last minute try which is converted by the Great Neil Jenkins to give the Welsh a 32-31 victory. What more could any Rugby fan want but the drama of that game, no matter who you supported.

But there was no time to celebrate or commiserate as the mood changed within The Claude. It was turning particularly ugly and nasty. The win seemed to boil the blood of a good proportion of the gathered Welsh throng. Instead of the usual slaps on the back and the sympathetic “Unlucky Bud” for losing, the 2 or 3 Englishmen in the pub were subjected to a tirade of abusive remarks with spitting and threats of violence getting worse by the second. My good friends of the Chickens surrounded us to protect us and we quickly left the Claude totally bemused as to the change in character of what a few minutes earlier were a joyous and jovial crowd. How could winning a game in such style turn a crowd into such and ugly mob intent on making our defeat even worse. Talk about kick a man when he is down.

Now you could consider this an isolated incident, but no, over the ensuing years, usually whilst on tour with the Chickens and England have been defeated, the same pattern of behaviour has risen again and again wherever we have been or whoever has beaten us.

My conclusion in all of this is that, the Welsh do not know how to win graciously. Now whenever I have raised this point with the learned Rooster as to why this is the case, he just answers that it is because the Welsh hate the English so much that any victory is like winning a Battle against Long Shanks himself. But I still don’t understand why the English are hated so vehemently by our closest neighbours. Please enlighten me so I can better understand the treatment that is meated out to us in defeat.

No really I want to know why you hate us so much!!!!!! I want reasons, dates, events, battles, whatever it is that has engrained the hatred of the English into the Welsh DNA.

A Texan Mos Eisley Cantina by the American Muscle

This promises to be a gigantic undertaking as the Love Chickens try and categorize and label their local pubs and watering holes into a classification system for which they can be rated and compared to one another as "The Mos Eisley Cantina/Emerald Cafe" types.

This could be a useful guide in the event a Love Chicken finds himself alone in a foreign place. This compiled list could serve as tool to located other lost Chickens looking for a place to roost for the night! Here, in Texas there are multitude of preverbial Emerald Cafes. There is one in almost every small town in Texas. Of all of these "Mos Eisley Cantina" types I would have to say you should try Arkey Blues Silver Dollar located in the "Cowboy Capital of the world" Bandera, Texas. Here we find Bandera offering up its finest fit for a "Emerald Cafe" type.

As you find your self sauntering down Main Street there is a door with a sign shaped as a silver dollar above the awnings that over hang the street. Then you notice this door which leads down a flight of stairs and with unrecognizable sounds emitting which drew your attention to the fire engine red door. Now you realize the door must go with the sign above. These sounds have peeked your curiosity your eyebrow is raised to maximum height and you decide to chance the desent into the basement entrance between two store fronts regardless of the sense you might regret it later. Here lies a set of stairs that has been traveled so many times over they are worn and uneven. When you manage your way down the stairs with an opening large enough for an 8 year girl you will find a world that most people thought was extinct! In the corner off to the right after your desent of the stairs is the stage. Here you will find what rivals the music of Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes ... You find Arkey Blues and the Silver Dollar band belting out their best renditions of Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Hank Williams, Sr. It is like stepping into the past. You notice the stairs have let out into the middle of a sawdust covered dance floor and if do not move immediately you will be trampled by those twirling all about. While the band plays those who have work so hard all week now work to forget how hard they have worked and Dance with spurs jinglin' as they Boot scoot across the Dance floor to the skretches the band offers up as music.

Here you will find the local farmers, ranchers, and cowboys in there jeans, boots, spurs, and cowboy hats looking to spend their hard earned pay on beer as your allowed to bring your alcohol. On almost every table stands a bottle of sour mash whiskey or bourbon pushing everyone to forget the weeks labors. The smoke lingers so thick it makes impossible to see across the saw dust covered floor most nights. Here you will find women of all ages, with or without teeth willing to please as long as you promise to please them back. The frequents do not take kindly to strangers with their eyes, but state all the pleasantries we have come to expect in the south.
"Ya'll comeback ya here!" It is like nothing you have ever expereinced!

I offer you up this spot in Bandera, Texas, USA as "The Mos Eisley Cantina/Emerald Cafe"

International rugby and sunday games - a rant by the Fergatron

Child poverty, international terrorism, rogue states, Young criminals, Clowns, Geese and Austin Healy. Things of pure evil created by the devil but other than waiting around SPAR and duffing up the little scrotes or using some of my chums to create regime change in Burma, things I can do nothing or very little about.

I also know nothing about them really except that Healy is a gob shite and is losing all his hair – ha ha and terrorism is bad unless it’s done by people burning down English peoples second homes. While I am not belittling these huge world evils, to me there is an evil so all consuming, so life changing that every time it is mentioned I feel my chest tightening and my heart beat quickens to a rate that makes Chris Parry’s blackened heart rate seem sedate.

I can feel the bile of hatred raise to the upper reaches of my throat even contemplating writing it, but write it I must because this evil is not mother natures design to keep us down, it is not even this stupid arrogant, ignorant Labour Governments fault although they must be kicking themselves that they never thought of it to begin with. This evil is the creation of greed, of money, a creation of faceless executives who know nothing of the beautiful thing they are hell bent in destroying.
Love chickens and non affiliated rugby boys I bring you

Sunday international rugby!!!

There I have written it now.

What these morons don’t realise is that international Rugby Union isn’t just 80 minutes of a sports match, it isn’t turn up, sit down, cheer and leave for home, neither is it; get up, go down, turn on television, watch match, scratch bollocks and then go to bed.

Its weeks of piss taking and banter, its weeks of organising trips away or piss ups at home. It’s the busy streets of Twickers, the pinnacle of piss ups in Edinburgh, the mental birds of Ireland and the easy American students of Paris….mmmm Paris. But tours are something I will leave to others; I will concentrate on the Cardiff weekend.

You see these fuckheads don’t understand that more than anything it is about the weekend, it is about friendship, about camaraderie, something lost in these sterile days of 9 to 5 and health and safety. Now all that remains is this game, our game, these 80 minutes of conflict, of attack and defence when 15 men represent us on the field of battle and use everything they have to compete and above all, win.

For the Cardiff matches you see the Friday is the day of the gathering, most of the day spent on phone calls, on texts and on emails. It’s about organising lifts or booking tickets. Those overtime hours are exchanged for flexi time and an early finish is part of the course. You have the bois who take the day off and arrive like kids on Christmas morning, drop their ironed shirts at the house and go straight to the pubs and wait as the day goes by and their numbers grow until early evening arrives and the main group of bois are there.


As we all know Friday for the Love chickens is the
“What we will do, we will have a few pints and get to bed early as we have a big day on Saturday.”

Its bollocks, it’s as unlikely as Tew making it to midnight or Roberts wiping his arse properly.

It is a night of furious drinking, stories and laughter in suburban pubs before the gathering head into town, Fat Mike runs off, Phil Kite can’t see properly and we all end up in what I like to call Valhalla (Kiwis). We don’t have an early night we roll in at 4 o clock in the morning having spent £20 each in Charleston’s steak house buying shoe leather with a packet sauce. But it doesn’t matter because we were allowed to sing and when we get back, we sleep, we sleep the drunken sleep of the dead. The international weekend sleep of
Lie down
Close eye
Open eye
Get up
In reality this lasts about 5 hours but in the head of the Love chicken it seems about 4 minutes.

Big bum boys like Neil ‘the King of the Gays’ Evans has usually gone home at 9 o clock and had about 10 hours sleep in his cumquat face mask so many are woken (especially me) by the smug gits phone call at half eight in the morning (For our American members that’s half past eight not four o’clock).

The Ambleston Yeti AKA Morgs had a 5 hour sleep head start as he normally falls asleep as soon as he gets into Kiwis.

Most of us wake up early automatically, this is what we have been waiting for, and the adrenaline pushes up, sends us to the shower and prepares us for the day. The knowledge that you will spend the whole day surrounded by friends that you trust and love, talking about rugby, women and regaling each other of stories that you all know as you were all involved. Friends who know you better than you know yourself and that you would trust with your life.

(disclaimer – while I would trust King of the Gays with my life, I wouldn’t trust him with my mobile phone or him holding a ladder for me – you can just see his devilish grin………………………..).


Visits to the greasy spoon and bookies are part of the tradition and a pre-cursor to the lift to the pub. We arrive at opening time and sit there for hours discussing, cajoling and in the back of our minds is the rugby, our raison d’etre and before you know it………………..its here. The warm feeling of looking up and seeing Grandstand on the Telly in the pub brings an inward smile and you know its time as people jostle for seats as the teams run on the pitch and the voices go from loud to louder.


In an instant it goes to silence because now its time for the anthems. Watching the pride, passion and focus of the teams singing the anthems fires the blood. As a Welshman one of the great sadnesses is that the WRU brings in a singer to help us sing. We are Welsh, we don’t need it. It’s in the genes, if we can’t bloody sing our national anthem than let’s pack up and go home (like we did in the 90’s). While I love Kathryn Jenkins or Charlotte Church to bits I doubt if the players are fired by a single female voice rather than the combined effort of 50 thousand fans willing them on to victory.


Then, the whistle blows and for 40 minutes the world is forgotten, work, family, missus, commitments, mortgage, bills pushed to the back of the mind by the gladiatorial battle that presents itself before you. Power, intelligence and skill combine and when the final whistle goes your appetite for competition is sated.

The depression of loss doesn’t last too long while the elation of victory will last until the next match. Drinking re-starts in earnest and from now on its pub to pub to pub and in true Love chicken styley groups split into smaller groups spreading through shitty pubs, shiny bars, gleaming nightclubs and kiwis.

By the ending of the night we have done everything we are allowed to do and we find ourselves in Chip Alley. Historians state that only the Pyramids remain from the old Seven Wonders of the World however Tacitus or any of the old historians never witnessed the stench and vitality of Chip Alley. (See next blog for new wonders).

Here you will taste the culinary delight known to punters as ‘Orange Curry’. At the end of the night you will end up with this orange curry on your shiny shirt, so you may as well eat the shite anyway – even if the day before the meat on your plastic plate had a name, a name tag and a kennel.

And finally its home, stories of nakedness, debauchery, boozing and shenanigans, of grown men wetting their pants (could 4 of us please put up our hands) and dance moves that could only be called ‘Freestyle’ and then we witness the end of international weekend. Sunday is a day for Fergatron to be stuck in his pants and watch shite Sunday telly; it’s also time for him to open the door to London Welsh after a night of him being a dirty dog.


You can’t have this with Sunday rugby. Yes you can go out on Friday and Saturday but you can you do this anytime. It is the rugby on the Saturday that brings the bad and the brilliant down to the capital.
On Sunday the atmosphere is damp, more people stay at home, sure you can still get drunk but do you go out with that intention or do you start thinking I am not going to have a big one – that’s not the attitude, because even if you do its not with the gusto of a Saturday. I remember being on tour in Scotland and the game was on a Sunday. Yes the Friday and Saturday were great but the Sunday was…….wrong. One of the major plusses with rugby is that after the game is finished you go on the beer (Chardonnay if you are Neil) with opposition supporters but there was no atmos with a lot of Scots worried about work. It’s a disgrace. Three games in one day is not the end of the world and the game should be there for the people.

As Love chickens we must fight this injustice – it is our future fun they play with and it must stop. What next? The Six Nations during the week? So we do what rugby bois have done since William Web Ellis told the powers to be to ‘swivel’ and ran with the ball, we will plan for Scotland and plan for the home match against the English and then we will drink and be happy.

In these days of external threats and internal apathy, we as proper blokes must rise up and meet these head on because

we’se is men but theys is just a bunch of puffs

Star Wars Bars by London Welsh

STAR WARS BARS
"The Mos Eisley Cantina, officially named The Emerald Cafe, is a fictional bar of the Star Wars universe located in the “pirate city” of Mos Eisley on the planet Tatooine. It is the haunt of freight pilots and other dangerous characters of varying races and contains booths, a bar counter, and some free-standing tables, and sometimes a band of musicians named Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes." [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mos_Eisley_Cantina] 2006.

I have found another. It is called the Castle and is in Whitechapel, East London.

Amazingly, this place does not kick off until 2am, where all the pleasant folk of the East end slide in after they have been selling fruit or vauxhall novas or 'stabbing people up'. Personally, i'd stick a bit of 'effnik' bashing in there too. Men are there to be men, to drink until the sun comes up or until they pass out, are thrown out or are knocked out. The women are there for a jump. It is a proverbial Parachute Club, Spunk Shed, or any other endearing term you have for somewhere where you WILL get fucked.

Can we please formulate a list of Mos Eisley Cantinas/Emerald Cafes and come up with a tick box classification system to simplify qualification?

Division 3 + 4 rugby by The Fat Lipped Jew

Many people have watched in awe as Skinner and Baddiel introduce their one man fountain of knowledge ‘Stato’ to our TV screens. People are virtually pissing in their pants when the national lottery presenter ‘Claudia Winkleman’ stands up on a Wednesday evening and spiels off the lotto statistical bollocks. But it is within these realms that I, The Fat Lipped Jew, find comfort and warmth, find joy and belonging but most of all achieve a hard-on that rivals no other (even London Welsh!).

The Jew has been the brunt of many a joke for his attitude to the sport in which he loves, rugby union has been a hobby of the Jew ever since giving up a life long ambition to be Vanessa Mae, and putting away the violin for a pair of boots at the age of 16 took more guts and determination than many of you piss taking brood realise. The Jew always knew his future would lead to rugby union ever since he was 12 years old when his father tossed him a cream slice and he dropped it in the mud. It was there and then that The Jew decided to learn to catch. If not to enjoy the sport of rugby union, to at least be able to eat food without cat shit and bird mess in it!

So it was at 16 years old that the 20 stone Jamie Oliver look-a-like decided to embark in a sports career in school and then university. But this is not a tail of happiness and fluffy puppy dogs, this is one of trial and tribulations, ups and downs, nudity and chastity, but most of all boredom, pure and utter boredom (most might say!).

Through hard training and pure dedication week in week out the Jew finally managed to put his rugby boots on, and even at one training session had to remove a steak and onion pie from his mouth in order to catch his breath after walking to the training field from his changing rooms. The Jew was not a true athlete YET!

But hold on fellow Love Chickens this is not a story of tears and woe, and do not get the Jew mixed up with the Treasurer, as stories do run similar. But there was the light at the end of the tunnel for The Fat Lipped Jew.

One late autumn, in between dinners, everything just seemed to click into place, for The Jew realised that his career truly did lie in rugby union, division 3 and 4 rugby union, but nevertheless rugby union.

The Jew began to lose weight, put on speed, he learnt to close his mouth when he ran to make his lips more aerodynamic but most of all he began to catch. His prospects as a professional was slowly beginning to be fulfilled.

But, fellow chickens, who said he never had set backs. The career of the Jew had one disastrous final turn, one that all chickens would come to wish never took place. Those who are familiar with the life of the Jew will have heard this story thousands of times. Little children all around Pontypool are being put to bed on the story, as a warning to behave and sleep tight.

It can only be described as the ‘Water Bottle Rollie-Pollie’ Incident. A career ending incident that makes the guts turn, whilst warming up for a match the Jew feel over a water-bottle, forward rolling into the ground and breaking 3 things. His shoulder, his self-esteem but most of all in weeks to come his fellow chickens 'will' to live.

Would this really be a career ending injury the brood might ask itself. The answer is NO! But this is the Jew we are talking about.

Instead of channelling all his efforts into recovery the Jew became ‘Claudia Winkleman’, literally dress and all! He became the one to avoid on love chicken outings, he spurted off everything from division three and four rugby union, and even managed to talk the Llanelli wonder boy and THE Six Foot Jap to sleep on the pub golf. Now this get even worse, he was even talking about Croesyceiliog RFC to the doorman as he was judo thrown out of Walkabout.

Now being of sound mind and body whilst writing this he see the errors of his ways. And vows never to say or write another thing ever on division 3 and 4 rugby union. He hopes the brood is finally happy.

Never again, EVER.

The chickens will not ever here a thing about division 3 and 4 rugby again.

Ever!

Not one word, promise.

Not one.

Bollocks can not do this.

Here are the results from the Konica Minolta Cup this weekend.

Aberavon Quins 21-24 Pencoed Abergavenny 0-7 Tonna Aberystwyth P-P Laugharne (Aberystwyth walkover)Bettws 13-3 Pontypool United Brynamman 8-10 Seven Sisters Bryncoch 8-51 Treherbert Caernarfon 15-0 O Illtydians Caldicot 0-48 Garndiffaith Cambrian Welfare 29-12 Glyncorrwg Cardiff HSOB 32-34 Fairwater Cardiff Medicals 10-23 Nantyffyllon Carmarthen Ath 42-10 Amman United Cilfynydd 22-29 Denbigh Cowbridge 18-34 Abertysswg Crymych 0-54 Mumbles Cwmbran 0-13 Felinfoel Ferndale 16-22 Tylorstown Glyncoch 17-26 Penallta Gwernyfed 12-16 Llandaff North Heol y Cyw 46-5 Risca Lampeter Town 22-13 Pill Harriers Llandaff 31-23 Crumlin Llandudno 18-20 Skewen Llangefni 29-24 Aberdare Llanishen 42-8 Newtown Llantrisant 65-15 Cwmgors Maesteg 19-9 Dolgellau Mold 23-29 Corus (P Talbot) Morriston 18-3 Machen Mountain Ash 48-10 Haverfordwest Nantymoel 8-16 Penclawdd Nelson 57-5 Trefil Pembroke Dock Quins 5-25 Maesteg Quins Brynithel 15-22 Ynysybwl Penarth 31-7 Bryncethin Sports Pontyberem 31-7 Newport HSOB Pwllheli P-P Blaina (Pwllheli walkover)Resolven 18-13 Tredegar Ironsides Rhydyfelin 66-0 Colwyn Bay St Peters 31-14 Porth Tondu 34-0 Dowlais Tonmawr 34-6 Cwmavon Tredegar 80-0 Crynant Treorchy 15-10 BP Llandarcy Trimsaran 31-15 St Josephs Tumble P-P Brynmawr (Tumble walkover)Usk 11-22 Brecon Ystradgynlais 13-15 Nantyglo

Next round is on the 20-22 October.

THE JEW IS SO SO SO ASHAMED OF HIMSELF! Sorry Chickens.