The Ospreys – an over polished turd?

Above: Having bought up every available player in Wales and some from the rest of the world that they'll actually allow to play, the Ospreys squad arrive for pre-season training

I don’t want this to be a Welsh centric blog because when it comes down to it there are more English and American Lovechickens than Welsh put I think something should be said about the under achievement of the Welsh regions and especially the Ospreys – a team so boring that I would rather listen to Gavin Hastings commentate on the weather.

Can you imagine having a team that includes Adam Jones, Tommy Bowe, Shane Williams, James Hook, Lee Byrne, Nikki Walker, Ryan Jones, Jerry Collins, Sonny Parker, Jonathan Thomas, Mefin Davies, Huw Bennett, Ian Gough, Marty Holah, Mike Phillips, Alun Wyn Jones! Then when you think about players who are and have the ability to be class but have not been heard of outside Wales like Justin Tipuric, Tom Prydie, kristian Phillips, Gareth Owen (class), Matthew Morgan, Andrew Bishop, Dai Flanagan. So after all that you have lots of money, a shiny new ground, coaches that players think are amazing like Scott Johnson and what do you do with it all – sweet fanny fuck all.

Yes they do lose a lot of players to international call up but are they telling me that their squad of people numbering quite possibly the population of a former soviet country (with a salary worth more than the GDP) might not make up for it!! The Ospreys act like some spoilt rich kid who buys up talent like sweets so other teams can’t have them and then leave them rotting on the bench or producing them to hone their talents on playing the Ulster seconds during the 6 nations or London Irish seconds during the Anglo-Welsh yawn..i mean cup.

Ospreys may say fuck you Rooster – what about the winning the Magners league last year and how about great wins in the European cup. All good points and correct ones but who talks about the Ospreys performances. People can name games where the other regions came good and produced good performances but even when they win Ospreys games are flat and shit. The marketing team in the Ospreys got off to a good start and then decided that their stars could take them the rest of the way – they were wrong and I would get rid of them. Scott Johnson is meant to be a straight talking no nonsense sort of guy so why doesn’t he start by having a straight talking no nonsense chat with himself. How can a team stick by Dan Biggar who is a good player and not pick the class act that is James Hook and then when things get really dicey at the end of the season pick Hook at 10!? Its too late now – he’s fucked off to Perpignan you fucking idiots and guess whose following him. And its not as if these players are sodding off to take big bucks and a warmer, wine filled culture in the south of France. Chris Mitchell of the ‘he’s not Gethin Jenkins or Adam Jones but he’ll do’ fame has actually chosen to join Exeter – what the fu……….!

In the past few seasons I have been hard pressed to understand the logic of some players who want to join the Ospreys. I know players are competitive and have, in some way, some built in belief that they are or want to be the best, but why would you want to join the Ospreys as 4th choice scrum half playing once every 3 games and once every season against the best – why not join a club like the Scarlets, dragons, Connaught, the Scottish and Italians sides and push yourself against the best as often as possible – George North would have never have a had more than one cap if he was an Osprey as he would have been playing for Aberavon against Bedwas a few weeks later!

Actually I can moan about the other regions another time – I could go on about the Ospreys – maybe a shining light is that they are losing a lot of players and they will stick to the talent they have and not keep looking elsewhere. Its time marketing and pr started earning their bucks and maybe its time Johnson and the rest of the Ospreys team concentrated on becoming the best, not talking about it and making excuses when they fuck up.

Yeah Ref! Fuck off back to Barbaria......

The tongue in cheek shout from a knowledgeable fan or the pig ignorant schreechings of some tubby, blonde west Walian scrubber festooned with glittery red cowboy hat, 1996 redstone sponsored Welsh top and enough makeup to render the front of my house?

Probably both, one ironic, one moronic. Yes but the fact of the matter is Wales is playing the Barbarians and to be honest our love affairs with these demi-gods from Barbaria are set in stone and go back even further than most of the Lovechickens except for Nunny who as a child used to his follow his favourite calpurnia team, antoninus’ XX legion who were posted just outside Londinium just after the invasion.

Anyhoo – lets start off with the positives. It’s a great tradition and it still means something to people. Years ago we never saw teams like the (old) Ospreys, Toulon, Bath, teams jam packed with international stars so the Barbarians were a one off. Fuck me the only foreigner in the great Neath team of the late 80’s was Colin Laity and he was from bloody Cornwall while players of the great Leicester team of the same time were probably from the town itself except for Rory Underwood who was obviously not from there……….because he talked posh.

The Barbarians is a team where players could set out their talents and not like club or international rugby today when everyone is probably coached on everything including when to side step, shopping seminars, wanking: socks or tissues? Back then it was all about the talent and I think that its true today. It’s probably the only test in top level rugby of someone’s true talents. The Barbarians give players the freedom to express themselves without the worry of defeat, relegation or having to make friends with Gavin Henson for however long he stays at the club. The players who have played and excelled for the Baa baas are a veritable whos-who of everybody who has made the grade in rugby.

Ignore Derwyn Jones for a moment but look at some of them; Gareth Edwards, Martin Johnson, Andy Irvine, Mike Gibson but then these have starred for the Lions but what about when you add Michael Lynagh, John Eales, Bryan Habana, Joost Van der Westhuizen, Richie Maccaw, Jerome Gallion, Didier Camberabero, Blanco.
Above: No, not drug addict Bubbles from hit US TV series 'The Wire' but winner of our best full back award Serge Blanco - proof that Guinness, cake and 60 packets of gallois will catch up with you in the end
Class, pure class. The Barbarians face the top hat and monocle wearing English tomorrow and with the new found running ethos of the English game it should be a good one. I’d say the same about them playing the Welsh a week later. A good game beckons but there is something negative and no, I am not going to start on about queues, sand, geese, people who litter and Sunday rugby (there are more and you know it), and that is why the fuck are Wales awarding caps against a scratch team. If I as super overlord/king/high governor/Master of the Lovechickens invited the exact team that are picked to play Wales next week and called them the Lovechickens and then managed to get a fixture against Wales – would Lovechickens XV v Wales be a capped game – would it fuck. This is just a penny pinching ploy by the WRU who are already hell bent on bumming the fuck out of real rugby fans. They’ll probably get about 35000 people – great another event that looks like its being played in a morgue (that is if the morgue is playing the continuing moan of horns over the loudspeaker system). New England training coach Tarquin St James Bumberry-Smyth gives first talk: 'Hello chaps, 3 times around the pitch and then we'll come back have some oranges and then bully the fags with our willies eh what what!"
Rant over – I’m just going to enjoy the games and wonder at the skills. These games are the start of the World cup and this blog is going to give you an indepth look at the teams and the countries, their stars and their cocks (Ashton), their form and their warm up games, as I am typing I am getting a semi, you lot must be gushing your pants. I can hardly wait – As ginger west Walians and Italians alike say – AVANTI