exclusive by the Daily Chocolate seagull

Above: Fishguard Rugby Club could be compared to this before Chocolate Seagull started playing for them and as legend goes 'built it up from the ashes' some people say that when Fishguard is ever threatened with invasion the Seagull will again return and save it

My front row would be the same as yours,

1. Jenkins

2. Best

3. Jones

I'm fucking fed up of reading in the English press how good their front row is just because they stuffed the Irish scrum, my daughters are better scrummagers. Cole is a cunt and Corbisiero is American.

This would also be my choice for 6 nations front row

.4. Gray

5. Evans

Great tournament from both these long twats, with Donnacha Ryan not far behind. 6 nations side would include Pape instead of Evans, mainly because he's horrible.

6. Lydiate

7. Warburton

8. Falatau

Now the best back row unite in the world, I'd genuinely allow each of these gentlemen to double fist me, sans KY. Ferris pushing Lydiate close and would be a great bench selection. Only one player in the world would improve this unit, and that is Parisse, so he makes it into the 6 nations side. Again fed up of hearing about England's fabulous back row, The Daily Chocolate Seagull says they are shit, Morgan is fat and unfit(though will be good once fit)(wont happen, love pies and cock)Robshaw is a cunt. Also probably the most over rated back rower in the championship. Croft i like, but is still probably only the 4th best blindside in the competition.

9. Phillips

All the other scrum halves in the home nations are really really shit, so no competition for him, though my 6 nation side would include the calfless Georgian Yachvilli, excellent stratatician and as the outside halves aren't exceptional candidates, his experience would be needed.

10. Sexton

Priestland a good back up, Farrell too slow.

11. North Say - no more

12. Roberts(lions) Fofana(6nations) - The Frenchman is quick and exciting, Roberts is probably gay.

13. Jon Davies Outstanding in every game, and now approaching world class. Best defending 13 was Barritt, otherwise he's shit.

14. Bowe - Cuthbert did well but is too raw for Lions level yet, my back up wing would be Halfpenny, therefore

15. Kearney - Good brave tournament from the king of pikeys, Halfpenny was awesome, but yourman shades it, place 1/2penny on the bench and you have best back 3 sub in rugby. Foden is an exciting runner and funnily enough doesn't seem to be a cunt.

Over and out,

Lanky dangly bastards

Lots of competition for second row here. I think every single lock of the home nations has a chance of getting on the plane to Oz next year. Paul O Connell is usually first on the list for most team lists however, he didn’t have loads of game time in this 6 nations so does he go straight into the Lions side? Everybody I speak to loves Courtney Lawes but I haven’t seen enough of him yet. Botha and Palmer have been impressive. Also impressive every time he takes the field, Ian Evans has come from nowhere this season. In a piece in this weeks rugby paper it states that from the Grand slam team he was the only one to have played in every minute of every match. Alun Wyn Jones has been amazing but I always find I expect too much from him and while he reaches a high standard doesn’t reach MY high standard. I think Luke Charteris will go next year and push for a place but I am going to go for Courtney Lawes as my other lock. His athleticism made him the choice and even though he is a massive pink doyley by getting the ball ripped away from him by a back, also puts in the hard yards.

Damn every time I read this back I want to change my selection.

As for my 6 nations team against them. I don’t think the Italian second rows stood out and I did think that locks such as Ian Evans, O Callaghan, Botha and Alun Wyn Jones played a lot better. So for my 6 nations choice I will go for Pascal Pape and Alun Wyn Jones – like it?

Wank Hair XV

Running side by side with the other two teams will be the wank hair XV. These are my choices.

Above: Not only Top of the Props (see what i did there) but a big old beard and fucking huge hair - one of the original hair bears.

Above: My other wank hair 6 nations prop - Castro - what a set of props.....

Above: What an absolute bumder but for wank hair young Dmitri Szarzewski takes the biscuit and the GHD hair straighteners....i bet you he even eats on tour and tells his missus what the other boys have done - twat. Special mention goes to Ross Ford who just looks like a girls doll

Prop idol and the hooker - pick of the best

So our 6 nations has come and gone. As I predicted it would be a close fought one. Wales could’ve lost against Ireland, England and France and who would’ve argued if Scotland had beaten England, Wales if they had kept their players on and of course France. The only shock I think was the England France game. So many people got in touch and said ‘Rooster – you are amazing and handsome how about a British Lions team out of that lot?’ I of course am not one to let down the fans but thought it also a spiffing idea to have a 6 nations XV as well. A sort of best of the rest of the home nations with French and Italians players who have stood out. So am I going to stick my
neck out – yes I flipping well am.

So today I will stick with front rows. For the Lions my two props would be the Welsh boys Jenkins and Jones. Now even though my weight is annually tripling I have no knowledge of the front row and the dark arts involved but lest we forget, these two are already Lions props. There is a solidity in Adam Jones performances that gives me jimmy seepage, Jenkins work around the park turns the seeping into a flow.…….. Hooker…well I know Matthew Rees is a Lion and I am sure Ross Ford went on the Lions tour at some point, Hartley has great days and days to forget so I will go for Rory Best as my Lions hooker.

So my Lions front row in Oz at this moment would be Jenkins, Best and Jones but who would pack down against them for my 6 Nations side. I woudnt bother with any Irish props considering the bumming they took off the English on the last day and with that in mind I would pluck for Corsibiero. For my Hooker although I have mentioned the others I would hoy in William Servat and number 3 edging Mas, Attoub and Dan Cole would be Castrogiavanni. Like it – no?
well see if you set of twats can do any better?

transcript from Saturdays rugby coverage

Above: 'What do you mean how influential was Jonny Wilkinson to todays win? - I am a fucking Olympic rower you twat!'
Hi welcome to BBC sport I am John Inverdale – you may think that it’s a day for a possible Grand slam for Wales but…
Above: John Inverdale: 'Why are you booing? If you think nicking this is bad you should see my collection of some of his old wank socks'
If Wales lose by loads and loads of points and England win by loads and loads of points. If Owen Farrell scores twenty tries and Dan Cole drops 20 drop goals. If all the planets are in the phase of Pisces and the tarot cards and runes are in the ascendancy. If more than 2 of the Welsh pack are
Librans and the English have one left hander in the backs. If Sam Warburton’s mother has a lilac car won during the game show 3-2-1 with Ted Rodgers and Dusty Bin then England will win the 6 nations and wont that be amazing – now lets watch Wales versus (shuffles papers……looks confused….France!.. they’re playing France..great ..anyway watch this and then we can really look forward to the final game which is so important……

Below: John Inverdale 'so how important is Jonny Wilkinson to the black community?'

Wales - Grand Slam

France?
Non n’est pas France

Le slam le crunch, le panache, l’equipe, les Gallois, le Gallois formidable.

Other than un beer s’il vous plait that’s as good as it gets.

What a game what a day – well done Wales.

Bill Mclaren, testicles and police marksmen bringing down cows in West Wales

Above: 'Its Bill Mclaren, he's says its going to be a Wales Grand Slam but is also complaining about how noisy it is up there since Frankie Carson arrived.'

So far for the final weekend we probably have the toughest round for the Lovechickens all predict off. So far there is a 50/50 split for the Italy Scotland game.

60% are going for an Ireland win and 90% for a Wales Grand slam. I just want to include some of the predictions that have come through from Chickens in Wales, England and all the way over in Oz. The country where all the criminals are - not the place with the yellow brick road....or the orange people - thats Neath.

Spen the Viking

Italy v Scotland - I predict a game akin to Old Parkonians U16s v Mold Vets, with an Italy
win (I'd donate a testicle to see Scotland get the wooden spoon).
Wales v France - tricky. Wales are easily the strongest team in the tournament and have a huge home advantage, but France usually come back and play like magicians after being humiliated. I predict a bloodbath, with Wales just edging it.
England v Ireland. I predict another bloodbath, with England edging it.

Pete 2 fannies

England are finding their feet now under Lancaster. The team is young and could be a good one with Owen farell orchestrating things at 10, also croft was superb against France. It'll be a tough one but I think England will pull through.
Defensively Italy were very strong against Wales, but still look suspect in attack, they are not the team they once were with Troncon and Dominguez 9 and 10. Bergamasco brings passion and fire to the game, but he normally ends up looking like a hot headed twat. Parisse is of course World class. Scotland on the other hand are showing some promise on the attacking front so I gonna stick my neck out and say Scotland to win by 10 points.
Wales v France. The biggie. I am very nervous about this game. I just feel that the last 2 times we've played for a grand slam, we've won so we're due a loss. On current form we should win it, in fact whilst we've won all our games I don't think we've played our best, but the French are after all the French and its become a cliche but you really don't know which team is going to turn up. I've got beef animals on my farm, a French breed called Limousin, and they are exactly like their human counterpart, you don’t know what the fuck they're going do next. On one hand they could walk into the shed quietly and let you inject them with the biggest fuck off needle you ever saw, or they could decide they want to pin you against the wall, and then the floor, kill you, then jump a ten foot wall and run all the way to Scleddau before being killed by a police marksman.
I am dreading the game, even though the championship is virtually ours, I'm going to say a French win

Phil umbongo unbongo they drink it in the Congo

My predictions are :-
Scotland win against Italia
Wales to beat Les Bleurghs. (This will be a very tight match and if the French play to their potential and Wales continue with their current form France could win.)
England to beat the Bogtrotters to revenge themselves for last year.

I want to talk about Wales...

I hope readers of this blog indulge me with a chat about Wales and the forth coming potential Grand slam match as I want to return to an old favourite of mine.
No its not:

1. Chris Ashton
2. Pathetic Sunday rugby killing the game off for generations to come
3. Gavin Henson
4. Percentages of people who wipe their arses standing up
5. Shit attendances for regional rugby

It’s about how lucky Welsh rugby supporters are nowadays.
You see if you were 24 years old and you were going out on the piss on Saturday for shenanigans this would be for your 3 grand slam game since you were 17. In between that even though there has been shit we have had players and teams that have set the world on fire. For many of the Lovechickens especially the West Walian part of the 150 or so members from the ages of about 16 (when we had been drinking properly for 2 years) till we were about 30 – life was pretty shit. No wonder we have such problems with alcohol, it was the only way we could forget our performances. Yes there was the triple crown of 88, the championship of 94 and those beautiful early days of a relationship where we were cockstruck with Graham Henry. Our capitulations were etched in our mind and many a time I would sit in the Claude praying that our boys wouldn’t have been bummed to death or maybe even that they had attempted to make a tackle or God forbid, compete for one of our lineouts, but those prayers remained unfulfilled. Especially in the early 90’s we would look over Offa’s Dyke to watch gits like Underwood, Carling, Ackford, Dooley and Brian Moore strut their stuff. They were class above and we weren’t even in the class below, we were stuck in remedial class playing with play-doh. Even though Barry John or Wales Today do not mention the Welsh team without talking about the great side of the 70’s, it doesn’t matter anymore. It would have been lovely going out on the lash knowing that Wales were going to win…but did they? I only counted 3 grand slams myself in the 70’s and not one win against the All Blacks or South Africa – lets move on because rugby has.

Let’s not kid ourselves this isn’t a Welsh team full of greats however it is a great Welsh team. We haven’t had an easy game which shows what an amazing thing the 6 nations is and how amazing THIS 6 Nations is. Other than the English result last Sunday there haven’t been the surprises of
the past but there really could have been. This Welsh team has played and beaten the team in front of them and they have done it with pride and on occasion, panache. People are moaning that these are a heavy weight backline, yes they are but you see J Davies, Halfpenny and Priestland, all big boys, choosing their angles well, looking for space and looking for the off load. It seems that as soon as Wales opt for brawn in the backs there is something wrong and I
seem to think that Rougerie has been in the game for a while now, Mathieu Bastareud (remember him) was also a bruiser while England has not been obverse to pick the odd Matt banahan or even on Saturday, the svelte, all running, avoiders of contact, Tuilagi and Barritt. We have some bruisers but we have players of skill, if it not for the grafters or our players such as Warburton, Lydiate and Adam Jones then we wouldn’t be in the situation of seeing our big runners just our big tacklers.

It could go either way on Saturday in the real decider. France have the capability to let rip especially with Yachvili to settle the ship but Wales will go into the game undaunted, unbowed and unbroken with a chance to make history, if they do, it is because they have not relied on one
thing as we have had to do in the past. The boot of Stephen Jones or Neil Jenkins, the power of Garin or Gethin Jenkins or the all round phenomenal talent of Shane or Martyn Williams it will be because we have a good team, who know their job and who can excel in it. I look back now and I see a thinner but still extremely handsome me sitting in the Claude pub or Tavistock pub in
Cardiff, or in Oliver’s in Edinburgh or stuck in a stadium in Brisbane as Mike Catt gives us a lesson in shutting out a game, sat next to people who I loved then and most of them, love now and I feel like walking in and saying to him - don’t worry buddy boy – its all going to be ok…………….and stop eating shit or you really are going to be fat.

Enjoy the rugby on Saturday no matter where you are from –
the love of the game keeps us together and separates us from the twats.

non rugby related story - but true

I have been in and out of hospital these past few weeks not too much fun there. However I heard something a few days ago that made me weep into my cup a soup. There were a couple in the next cubicle arguing over names for their baby. They were both 17 and the boy sounded like David Beckham working out the square root of 4,631 whilst attempting to button up his shirt. The girl initially caught my attention when she said this:

Simpering girl: ‘remember when I left the sixth form early because I really wanted a job where I could sleep all day?’

Squeaky retard: ‘yeah?’

Simpering girl: ‘well even though I couldn’t find one, even if I did, I wouldn’t want it because its quite boring here just lying in bed’

This is the honest truth, where did she think she would get this job? and that last conversation wasn’t even the reason I am writing this. This is:

The next thing is they were arguing about names and David said that he wanted a Welsh name for the baby and she said she didn’t like any and then after 5 minutes of silence she came back and said that she did like one Welsh name. He asked what it was and she answered

‘H’

She was going to call her kid ‘H’!!!

Below: H from steps. Says he was bullied because he was Gay - he wasn't - it was because he was annoying

The Americans are coming

Above: Uncle Sam - i wouldnt point like that in Newport mate.........

The American Lovechickens are coming! No, not all of them – thank fuck, I don’t think these isles could take that. But we do have a good rump of people from our old colony.

They are flying in – coming down to Wales and then fucking off so I thought I might do a very quick guide so they know what to expect.

Geography
It says a lot about a country when some of the best things about it are things that the populace had fuck all to do with and with Wales that means amazing coast lines, mountains and vales that take the breath away and areas of huge and intense beauty. As soon as the Welsh get hold of things like cities, infrastructure or politics they fuck it up.

So the people.
There is no point going into regional differences so I will concentrate on Newport where they will be staying. For starters Americans will not understand a word anyone says. Also this isn’t everybody but the national dress of men from Newport who stray into the town centre is a vest but even though they are in their 40s they will also dress like a teenager. The women are slack jawed, stretched titted harridans, if they are pregnant and they usually are it is against the law for them NOT to smoke. They, like their men folk will also dress like they are teenagers unless they are teenagers when they will dress in their jimmy jams…and not nice ones, fezzing ones. If they are obese it is compulsory to wear a crop top. Also compulsory for vest wearers is that they have to have a dangerous looking dog with them.

Food
(Franch accent) well Monsieur zeeing zat you are een ze Newport you must dry ze chips and cheese, eet eez a local delicacy……

He’s right though, while a must for the American chickens on Saturday night will be to venture down Chip alley, avoiding puddles of yak and screeching west Walian women in shiny Cowboy hats to eat delicious and exotic Orange curry, Friday night in Newport will be to sit down at the end of the night and watch people from Pontypool knock fuck out of each other while eating cheese and chips – it doesn’t get much better than that.

Politics
OK lets say that Osama Bin Laden and Rose West had coupled and had a boy called I don’t know Anthony and then Hitler and Jordan got together and had a girl called Samantha. Anthony and Samantha get married and have a kid. At the same Time Pol pot and Chris Ashton get together and have a boy called Denzil and then President Mugabe and General Pinochet got together
and adopted a girl called chaneeza. Then Denzil has it off with Chaneeza and they have a kid. OK is that clear? So after generations of evil the two kids get together, mate and produce a being of such awful evil that even Rusty Lee, one of the original TV Cooks, doesn’t like it. We’ll call it Neil . Neil, once he reaches an age when he feels old enough, goes around killing everybodies first
born child in Wales and also makes everybody in South Wales homeless by knocking down their houses. If Neil then stands in an election in Wales for the Labour Party – the people whose families had been destroyed by Neil and whose houses had been knocked down by Neil would still vote for him……

Things you will see this weekend
Red things, fighting, queues for taxis, the police, singing, women crying because they have drank too much and are being sick in the street with their mates holding their hair and smoothing their backs.

Things you will not see this weekend
Taxis, Harps, coal miners, fruit, a healthy debate on the rights of man and US foreign policy after 1945.

This may all sound negative but I can guarantee that on Sunday morning, once you come round, you will be planning next years trip to the home of rugby orientated, all day drinking shenanigans, happy in the knowledge that if it comes up to half the level of enjoyment that this weekend has then it will be amazing.

as the fug of the weekend clears

Above: Andy Powell - when i have nothing funny to write the trick is to throw in a picture of him

It’s interesting looking at some of the Lovechickens fantasy rugby selections to see how they saw the championship heading. I look at mine inparticular and realise that a. people haven’t lived up to their or my billing b. I am shit at picking fantasy rugby sides.

I am of course the biggest lambs cock in the world for picking Dan Parks to begin with but sometimes that complete klutz gets his kicks over, he didn’t, he retired and I swapped him……

In the fantasy rugby you are allowed at most, 4 from a nation so I loaded mine with 4 Welsh 4 French 3 Irish 2 English 1 Scotsman and an Italian. Pretty much if I am being honest the order I saw the 6 nations being. Yes the French are there or there abouts but they have been dull as dish
water. I know I singled out Fofana last week and yes he rewarded my Mystic megism with another try but so far (and I mean so far…as I don’t want it thrown back in my face when he scores 5 tries, converts them all, hits 5 drop goals and then fingers Kathrine Jenkins on Saturday) he hasn’t set the world alight. He hasn’t been a Jonathan Davies, Tuilagi, Bowe or a Hogg, has he?

I will leave the comments on players of the tournament till after but this weekend will be the making and breaking of players with regards to this tournament. England’s recovery and return to form will soon be forgotten if they don’t produce the goods against Ireland.
Here in Wales, the national side are being hyped up to a point where I started thinking last week that we are transcending rugby and sending Mike Phillips and George North to bring some peace to the Syrians, Alex Cuthbert and Alun Wyn Jones are being sent to Russia to ensure fair and safe elections and Andy Powell is being send to Japan to stick his fat thick head in the holes in the
Fukishima power plant. Saturday afternoon is when they have to deliver. Priestland is not looking up to scratch, our hookers still have to sort themselves out and so do the lineouts – this is the weekend that needs to happen. Scotland and Italy have promised much and delivered little but have relied on the fact that they weren’t expected to win the initial matches – this weekend is different, no where to run and no excuses left. Ireland could’ve been on for a slam this year, maybe a few players let them down, they cant afford to do it this weekend on an English team on the up and finally France, I don’t see any change of attitude or behaviour from the World cup but what does that mean this weekend – the French that played Tonga or the French that coulda and shoulda won the world cup final? Saint Andre reckons he hasn’t the time with the players but pursuing the same tactics as his predecessor seems a retrograde step so come this weekend his choices and his decisions will be seen as a success or a failure.

No excuses for all 6 – bring it on.

huzzah for the posh chaps and the northern ones who don't wash...

Above: Manu Tuilagi circa 1999 who would have thought that a rats tail would make him look even more stupid

What a great game. If we are being honest half of the Lovechickens are English so we have a very happy half a club at the moment; however I don’t think they should just be happy with the result but the manner in which they played. As well as Harinordoquy played I do not think he should have had man of the match ahead of Croft who was jizmungus and that try was great. Also Jizmungus was Parra’s kicking in the end. People are saying that this is a turn around from the sack of shit they were in the world cup but don’t you think this is a turn around from the sack of shit they were in the first two games of the championship? All said and done we have got three amazing games next weekend. Wooden spoon is going to be a beauty – Scotland were gash this weekend but this is the game that saves their bacon, its not good enough to be nearly rans, they have to win. Its Italy at home, it’s the last game of the season so will we see a more determined Italian side or maybe Brunel may just say fuck it and try something different.
One thing I’d say is that Italy are a more dynamic team with Bergamasco in the side, not brilliant, but better.
Then we have as Jiffy said, the plate final. What a treat we have in store especially since we have 2 teams reaching their potential, will Twickenham and home advantage be the deciding factor.

And what about the Grand finale, the slam? Will this be the game that the French wake up and play like we all know they can or will Wales also play the way that we know they can? The haven’t been the striding behemoths of rugby on the way to the slam, they could have lost to Ireland and especially England and they only put the pressure on when Scotland had men in the bin. This is a brilliant side but come on, brilliant sides get unstuck.

post match anal cyst

Above: Jacobsen: awreite wee man can you spare ten pence for wee energy drink......?

well that's what you get for thinking that Wales would win a gazillion points to 3. It was a win and that's that - we did a job and i thought we showed maturity in gaining the W (W means win - i am talking in rugby coach speak now - you won't understand). George Clancy may need a little reminder that 72,500 people and millions of people at home (and that includes Doug watching it in a bar in Texas with somebody from Newport) wanted to watch rugby and hadn't turned up or tuned in to watch some jug eared Irish twat take over the game. if you want to be centre stage fuck off and do Karaoke. Also can we stop hearing people saying should 'Welsh players be talking or thinking about a Grand Slam - well seeing that the next game is the Grand slam game and if you want to win, which you should do, then it will be a Grand Slam - then of course you are going to talk or think about it. Surely the reason you don't talk about them with more than 1 game to go is so you don't seem cocky or presumptuous - its only dicks that don't understand rugby that talk about Grand slams after 1 game......

Interesting game the Irish Scotland one. Great first half, lots going on. Second half - shit. Scotland just couldn't make The dent they wanted although the effort by Denton and Gray was enormous. The Irish were great in the forwards, i thought Healy really got around the pitch and the man of match Ryan was justified. Nicking those 2 lineouts was pretty special. I am sure that one of the centres always rushes off side as soon as the ball leaves the Scottish scrum half but what do i know. Annoyingly the only shots of Andy Robinson was at a long angle with him peering over a computer screen like some sort of pervert. As always it is a joy to watch Allan Jacobsen probably the most Scottish looking man since Jimmy Krankie but alas today it was only the Irish that were fandabidozie

Day before International weekend - excited?

Hmmm as much as Italy and Wales will be interesting this weekend it’s the other 2 games which are the humdingers. Both very very interesting.

Ireland Scotland matches are traditionally brilliant or shit. Although Scotland
won the world cup warm up it is the small handed travelling folk that have had
the results snagging 8 out of the last 10 encounters. It’s at home for Ireland
and after defeat by the Welsh they won’t want to put another L in the home box
(coach speak – you won’t understand). With the 2 big O’s out there may be a
jangling of nerves but they have the other Owe and that’s Tommy Bowe who’s been
scoring for fun.( I still think I should have had an assist from Rougerie for
my fantasy rugby team in last weeks game). However Scotland deserve a win and by
jiminy (or should I say Jimmy) I don’t want it to be against the Italians.
Robinson has to get a result soon – I hear that some players are coming out in
support of him and if this was kissball that would mean that he was on his way
out….but then again if it was kissball he wouldn’t give a fuck because he would
be given a gazillion pound pay off to leave a team that he didn’t even give a
toss about to coach another team he doesn’t care about. The result between Scotland and France
and then France and Ireland means that this should be close and a good one.

Scottish people to watch

Stuart Hogg – from zero to well not bad as yet – loads of
potential and lots of threat – great stuff

Irish people to watch – all of them, the moment your backs
turned, all of the lead on your roof will be gone and they’ll be challenging
your auntie June to fight them for a pound.

All of them and especially Tommy Bowe and Rory Best

Sundays game (and did you notice I didn’t mention anything about soul destroyingly shit Sunday rugby then?) is also going to be great. If this game had been before the Welsh game I would have forseen the French taking a 35 minute break in the middle of the first half to have some shit hard bread sandwiches with jambon and fromage and an opportunity to smoke 10 Gallois each
and still go on and beat the imperial pigdogs by 27 points. But it isn’t and they won’t. This is a different English side who were unlucky to lose and very unlucky not to draw against the Welsh. Farrell was terrific and I thought Botha was all over the field. The French were absolutely village against the Scottish and Irish but still got some results. They have dropped Trinh-Duc and Parra and brought in Dupuy and the bloke who looks like an eastern European pimp cum money lender Beauxis whose drop goal performance last week has seen his early induction into the Arthur Emyr Drop goal Hall of fame. Either Sant-Andre is a genius or he is underestimating the English. I thought Rougerie was shit last week and I am seriously pissed off with Fofana, not because of anything he has done, its just he is not in my ESPN fantasy rugby team. Two teams face each
other on Sunday who have both played beneath themselves for most of the tournament, who is going to pull their fingers out of their arse and get it on like donkey kong?

English people to watch out for

Tuilagi – he is the person who can create holes in the defence especially whilst Foden and Ashton seemed to have taken some performance disabling drugs

Bobby Davro – now that we’ve lost a giant like Frankie Carson who else can we depend upon for comic ingeniouity (half back partnership with Gary Wilmott could be the Lions pairing of fun)
Above: The further away Fraincois Pienaar gets away from his playing days the camper he gets
French people to watch out for

Fofana already mentioned – seems to get into good positions – an eye for a try

Pepe le Puw
Dresses in black and white, doesn’t take no for an answer from women and smells – could be any of them…..(except for Sophie Marceau who
is cowing lush)

Wales Italy should be a good game, I think that Italy raise their game against the Welsh but to show some sort of maturity this Welsh side has to be up for this game and they have to put them away early. The Italians will be out to stop them, there has been some shit games for them this year but as I have said this is season 1 for them under their new coach – lets hope they
kick on before Parisse is forced to retire after carrying a side for so long. So
the penultimate weekend is here, plenty to play for as Wales France and England
are still in the mix…..

Welsh people to watch out for

Jonathan Davies – no not the commentator but the Scarlets
centre – he can find and line and gap and his try assist count will go through
the roof

Fenella the Witch

Younger viewers look away now because 1. you will shit
yourself and 2. you wont have a clue what I am talking about. Fenella was the
baddy from Chorlton and the Wheelies and used to whizz around like someone…well
someone on whizz. Petrifying and more than a match for an Italian back line.

Above: Look her! She is fucking terrifying!!

Italians to watch out for

You don’t really have to watch out for them you can hear
them coming. Talking…sorry shouting at each other like 2 old people from
Mountain Ash on a very loud bus.

Parisse – yawn but true – class class class and smart missus

a response to King of the Gays by Fuzzy

Above: And there's me thinking that Fuzz and Han went to Thailand for their honymoon

“Dear king of the gays,

I note your comments with interest. Without wishing to comment on your choices and engage in a “You’ve got a black cat, I’ve got a panther” tit for tat diatribe on your chosen subjects – I thought that I would move the debate in a different direction and focus my attention on one of the forgotten hero’s of commentary – Alan Wilkins. As you will recall Alan was formerly the erstwhile presenter of “Rugby Special Wales” the thinking mans version of “Scrum V” which was altogether a more cerebral affair. Think back. There were no bloody women presenters talking blabbering crap about Lee Byrnes thighs and for some unknown reason they saw fit to record the programme in an actual TV studio rather than in some faux pub surrounded by fat committee men, fatter women’s rugby teams and roiders for some village club from the arse end of a valley.

Also there was no Rick “Man Of The People” O’Shea chirping on about the characters you meet in the clubs up and down the country like some demented love child of “Doc Cox” off of That’s Life. Instead we used to look forward to the incoherent semi turret commentary of jive talking sideburn mister Phil Bennett throwing about cliché's as if they were on sale in Tesco’s – classics such as “Slanting straight run”; “Bags of pride”; “50 odd caps”; and who could forget “Its Wales with the heart, but England with the head” – absolute fucking gibberish. We also had the joy of watching highlights of old merit table games between behemoths such as Cross Keys, Newbridge, Penarth v Tredegar. We could see the Jim Scarlett’s; Dick Morriaty’s; Arwel Parry’s; Andy Allen’s; Paul Jackson’s; Alun Edmunds’; Laurence Dellaney’s; Richard Diplock’s; David Crane’s; and Carl Gnoiak’s strut their majestic skills on one of our three channels for one magical hour a week – none of this Rabo Direct tripe between Dolmio v Connaught that we are forced to endure today where you need a map to work out whose playing.

Alan Wilkins bestrode the programme like a colossus of rugby chat – the man exuded sports casual in his blue sports jacket and grey farrahs. He has the poise of a Parkinson, the suave sophistication of a Titchmarsh and the raw animal instincts of a Madley – he was in essence a gnats cock away from Partridge on The Day Today. My abiding memory of him was that he has way too much hair for only one head.

Above: Alan Wilkins - and now lets look at the highlight of Maesteg's 0-0 fight with Penarth

I was most spun out recently when I saw him anchoring Star Sports in Singapore – what the fuck is all that about? He has forsaken the splendour of Pandy Park to commentate on wiff – waff tournaments in Bongo Bongo land. All very confusing but each to their own. He was greying at his temples / cheekbones / belly – (it all merged into one) but it was the same unmistakable lilt that soothed many a hangover of a Sunday afternoon between 5.30pm – 6.30pm. This was back in the days when they actually showed the programme at the same time each week and not at a time when only security guards and late night radio DJs are up. Anyway – he took me back down memory lane and its fair to say that the current crop such as Mohammad and that man child who looks like Colin are merely graphite in comparison to this long forgotten diamond of BBC broadcasting. Now will somebody else please add to this cul de sac of social commentary by ripping the shit out of Nigel Starmer-Smith and eulogising the god that is Cliff Morgan”