HOOTS! - SIX NATIONS FROM A SCOTSMANS POINT OF VIEW!!! by The Big Mac

The best game of the series, Scotland v Wales!

Anticipation is fever pitch inthe McKendrick household after the complete disappointment of the previous weekagainst England at the "Home of Rugby". ( more like a home for senile people whop*ss themselves!) You guys thought your reffing decisions were bad, ours were af***ing disgrace and we went to the TMO!!!

Anyway I digress, off to Edinburgh on a cheap return ticket in the Megabus,feeling very nervous, don't think our back row consisting of three no.8's willbe able to contain Martyn Williams and co. as they were badly exposed byEngland! That's the last time I mention those Ba****ds!My good lady who was also travelling with me appeared to be just as nervous butfrom a Welsh perspective! I see no reason for this as you guys competed for thefull 80mins and had most of the possession and territory against Ireland "GrandSlam Favourites" to use their full name this season!!Got to our capital and headed straight for our favourite haunt "OLIVERS" sceneof many a famous night with the "chickens!" was so nervous had 3pints before Ihad a chance to take my coat off! Good chat amongst supporters about theforthcoming feature while some background game was taking place!!

What can I say about the game, couldn't believe my eyes, we ( the Scots) tookyou guys apart up front so I didn't have to worry about our back row cos we werein control of the ball at the breakdown.Stephen Jones had a game to forget apart from a superb try saving tackle onChris Paterson and Hook was not a threat cos he never got the ball. Thought theref was a bit harsh on disallowing Rob Dewey's "try" but still Happy days!! Sorry if I'm gloating but it might be the only chance I get to be happy duringthis six nations campaign as Italy are up next and I really don't see ourforwards exerting that much control for the majority of the game! (May be theonly serious rugby point I make in this blog!)

Don't remember much after the game except consoling my "loved ones" probablyjust as well as I'm told we went to a proper sit down restaurant for food whichcost £50 a head!! F**k me I know we won but I wasn't that happy!!!! Reckon itwas El's (my girl) way of getting back at me for gloating, you know how aScotsman and his money are not easily parted! Although I think that is a viciousrumour started by the English! Sh*t I said I wasn't going to mention themagain, better sign off now before I give them a compliment!

Look forward to Super Saturday on the 17th March, El and I are flying down toCardiff in luxury with BMI Baby so we're going to live it up in the City Armsduring the games! Hope to catch up with any of you Lovechickens soon!

Love chicken news by the Rooster

Now the Rooster is very much like the Dark Overlord of the West, Fergatron when it comes to bringing Girlfriends and wives along during Wales/England days. Personally anybody who does should be fingered to death but not by normal size fingers, not even fat stubby fingers like Roberts’ or Taz’ but by the Hindu God Ganesh who is actually half elephant. Yes, so there is the warning: don’t bring Girlfriends to the pub to watch Wales/England.

However skimpily clad young femmes are allowed and so are mistresses...................

Left: Ganesh and he means it!

LC news

Scotland was one of the best weekends that has ever been and I will be able to give a full account once someone tells me what actually happened. One shining light was the time when Ferg, Dev and Snakey were in a club and over saunters The Morgatron, everything seemed fine, we even managed a wee dance and then realised that Morgs only had one shoe. He was then as much use as tits on a fish for the whole tour until he had 36 pro-plus tablets and then lost everybody.

London Welsh has the biggest willy this world has ever witnessed (Ski is THE biggest cock that the world has ever witnessed but that’s by the by) but Ferg has come to the conclusion that there is no joy in his pulling, his technique while pretty flawless lacks the flair and can only be described as ‘workmanlike’ by his peers.

Jamie Roberts the Love Chicken who looks most like an Arab got married. One of the only Lovechickens who is actually nice to people, we wish him well and remind him that his life is now over, she should be changing about now………..I will get the full round up from the 10ft turk copper very soon

The Lovechickens are off to Paris this weekend. Chief Wigham and Mitch ‘the Tige’ Mitchell will be taking the Fishguard Lovechickens to the land of romance and surrendering. For Floppsy Thomas and Gar San Francisco, this is a journey into the unknown, the last time these two went abroad was to Lemington Spa in 2003.


Upcoming events

Wales/England

I want a bumper gang of miscreants up for the Wales/England match. Friday will again be a day of the gathering where we pretend that we aren’t going to drink much, drink too much and have a really tired shit Saturday until we are twatted about 9 o clock.

The Fergatron will be playing rugby for his workplace against the House of Commons. Don’t mock, many people would pay a lot of money to be allowed to step on MP’s heads. Whilst he probably wont win Man of the Match he will undoubtedly receive most handsome player and wittiest man on the pitch.

Early news is that Veteran Lovechicken ‘Belly’ will be coming up from the land of the lilies where he will spend all day bickering with Clysts followed by an hour missing home, followed by an hour dancing like a gay.

If he is not dead, Nunny is also up for a sesh.

It’s a cap – nuff said!?!

Oh yeah Vegetarian Neil will not be there, he is saving orphan dolphins and then off for some valuable R and R in Angola – health check anybody? Actually thinking about it – I honestly think he has just come back from Thailand which means the reason he has been so quiet is because he and his new wife Rochelle-Derek wu hin are settling down in Cardiff.

Regards you Bummers

Over the pond by our Beloved Chairman (if you dont enjoy this you have to drink 4 fingers)

Fellow Chickens - this is the first attempt from The Chairman at this new fangled thing called Blogging. In my hey day, things like this never happened - talking about what you did during the 6 nations and on previous weekends was a big no no. We would lock ourselves in our swamps on the Sunday, not answer any phone calls and not entertain any calls to the door. The reason for this is obvious to those of you who have spent a weekend in Cardiff in Kiwi's. We are all too afraid for anyone to tell us what kind of nasty dog we got off with, and how many foolish things we did, and what time we turned into shandies, drinking alcopops. these stories would remained locked in our tiny minds, only to be resurrected on the next 6 nations weekend or tour to Scotland etc.

Seeing as I am locked away in my own hellish nightmare for all the bad things I did in my youth, I must pay my penance and try and spread the gospel across the pond. Here is my story from the start of the 6 nations. Tried to get enthusiastic from Wednesday - knowing the best game on the planet is about to start for real, I have tried to get the locals intrigued by showing them the Magners league and Heineken cup- got a lot of interest 4 people. Especially after some of them saw the Ospreys V Sale last minute try and the Toulouse V Llanelli matches. Was there hope of Wales reproducing this magic? For some reason all I got was " so you guys are playing some game before the Superbowl Sunday, not sure I can do an all day down the Bar" What could I do I was desperate, Thursaday and Friday had come and gone, I managed to reserve a Table at some posh Irish bar in Alexandria (the owner brought $3 million dollars worth of wood from Ireland) - what the f**k was the reason for that. Friday night I was down the pub trying to get people to come out on Sunday- all they could talk about was this bloody Superbowl. I did get 5 definites at the end of the night - and then I told them the game was on at 9 am Sunday!!!

Sunday - Game time Up at 7 am - got my Jersey off the Hanger - pacing for 1.5 hrs - Bar would not open until 9am. Taxi arrived off to the game Waahey. Got to the bar - 8 Irish supporters and me and my Woman (Sorry Ferg but I needed all the support I could get), 5 of my friends turned up and we settled down to half price Guiness at 9am. Almost felt like home - then I heard it - coming from somewhere down in the depths of the cellar. C'MON WAAAAAALES -you all recognise the high pitched nasty screech of a fishwife from Swansea. I turned and there she was, a glass of red wine in one hand, and some poor bast##d propping her up on the other. I turned to my girlfriend and said "that is the reason no women, no children". So we all settled down to watch the game - me, my friends and the banshee, unfortunately worse was to follow, kick off, 5 mins charge down try Ireland- Bugger.

Could it get any worse - Yes I am living in the USA - The fishwifes man - turns to me and starts explaining the tactics the Welsh should be using- not only is he a Yank, but he's using American Football terms what an ar#e. 8 Guiness' later game is over - Rob very pi**ed off with the world. All my friends leave and fishwife gives me her phone number - great. My girlfriend and I end up going on an all dayer - we get twa**ed, she slaps me in the face( amazingly this is the first time I have ever been slapped, and considering some of the things I've done in the past it was a surprise, as I hadn't done anything), go home goto bed.

Not a good weekend, so I am buying a ticket today and coming home for the Wales V England - arriving Thursday leaving Monday. I understand it is an official cap - so I expect every man to do his duty, otherwise you may have the kind of day I had. I shall send you the next game in a few days - this was watched in Vegas.

I’m as Bored as a 5 Minute talk with Fat Mike! by THE 6ft Jap (LC 92ish)

Time comes once in a while when THE Jap thinks to himself ‘you have to get a life!’ All I have heard over the past fortnight is, ‘I did this’ and ‘I did that’ and THE Jap has had enough of staying in. Wales are playing like Treherbert RFC (What division are they in Jew? As if we want to listen!) So the Welsh contingency of the brood can’t celebrate victories, so THE Jap has come up with excuses for an uber drinking session the same day that we play the French. We all can fit into one category.

After much salivation, masturbation, deliberation, and then more masturbation THE Jap came down to three reasons to get pissed in Cardiff on the 24th February 2007. Bare with me chickens this is a bit abstract but all true.


On our first attempt to lace our boots (15 aside level) at the hallowed ground that is UWN rugby field, THE Jap learnt one valid lesson! And it wasn’t about drinking piss, if you were thinking that! THE Jap has drunk piss for many years now, it’s a step down from eating pineapple urinal cube, but hey we all slum it now and again. All you chickens who have visited Kiwi’s know that.

No brood, the valid lesson that THE Jap had was in the realms of ‘Nature’. A lengthy conversation with fellow bald teacher FUZZ, lead to the longest hunt in recorded history for what seemed to be the most ridiculous fact ever made.

“The most vicious animal on the African continent is THE HONEY BADGER!”

As you can understand this caused a few laughs, but the once Ginger, now bald chicken stuck to his guns (and rightly so!). With disbelieve the hunt for the Honey Badger was on, and after much googling and painstaking sweat THE Jap finally found what he was looking for at:-

http://www.honeybadger.com/

Check it out! This leads to THE JAPS first reason for drunkenness

‘THE LIFE OF A HONEY BADGER!’

(Put it on a T-shirt fellow love chickens).


My second excuse is a bit closer to my heart than the other two. On the 24th February 1975, Mr Alun Roy Williams put his wanger into Mrs. Jillian Anne Williams and thrust for 2minutes 56 seconds in the vestibule at St Mary’s church Pontypool. Thus creating THE ‘truly holy’ JAP!

So putting it bluntly the 24th February 2007 is a day to be celebrated as:-

‘THE 6FT JAPS 32nd CONCEPTION DAY’

(Don’t put it on a Tshirt!)



THE Japs final reason for drunkenness on international day is one not to be taken lightly! Having read many email from chickens World wide over the past 2 weeks, none made me laugh as much as the boasting and bragging of London Welsh, otherwise known as ribs’n’dick! An email sent on the Wednesday, 07 Feb 2007 at 01:27:38, in reply to a needy brood member who needed rugby tickets, stated;

”Mate I should be able to from the concierge at Tower 42. He's a man who knows how to get things... Chez”

Now THE Jap has told a porky or two in his life, and boasted about friends in high places, but this takes the biscuit, London Welsh or is it MR. BIG? He’s only been in Saxon land for 2 minutes, (56 seconds less than our dad was in our mam) and the Banantyne wannabe thinks he’s a walk in on Hotel Babylon!

Which leads to my final reason for going out and celebrating, if London Welsh is true to his word then after my short email to him, the concierge at Tower 42, should have acquired THE Jap, King Arthurs Excalibur and a 1998 Buzz Lightyear original (in the box)! If not THE Jap is personally going to ask Big Doug to fetch the branding iron next time he’s over and stamp the fluer-de-lys on London Welsh’s extremities!

‘I WILL HAVE MY EXCALIBUR PLEASE CHEZ!’

(Tattoo it on your ass fellow chickens)


So fellow lovechickens choose religion, choose a TV, and choose an egg sandwich if you like. But find a reason to drink for the France v Wales game because THE Jap is out in Cardiff and wants some friends!!! (This is a desperate plea!)

NOTHING HAPPENED - what goes on tour.........

and anybody reading this should know this by now...more later though once i get some feeling back in my fingers

my bloody broken body by the Rooster

Oh woe is me and woe is my bloody head and the rest of my bloody body. Its Tuesday night and I can honestly say that this has been the first moment that I haven’t felt like the gusset of Tews ‘sofa’ pants since I rolled in some time after midnight on Monday morning. As is the Roosters want and showing that I am still one of the most prolific seshers the world has ever seen, I was in the pub at 1300hrs ahead of the Italy/France match. The match was a load of shite and I have to hold my hands up and say that I really thought that Italy would compete and give the Frogs a game. However the French never read my script and I thought a few of them played especially well and I would single out Chabal and the little scrum half Mignoni. I would also like to point out to the unbelievers that The Rooster did put some money on Dominici scoring the first try so I haven’t lost it yet.

While King Voltan thought the next game was a bit disappointing, other than the result I thought the Sais played really well and Wilkinson played fantastically, however the media have now attacked the Vatican city for not making Jonny a saint with an hour of him getting a shower. Fargin hell the hype was unbelievable even by English standards. England showed what all we thought and that was you don’t have shit English sides for long. I just don’t understand why the Scots didn’t target Jonny and Andy Farrell and they were let off.

Not that I remember the last ten minutes of the match anyway, It was the beginning of the end and by this time I had been joined by uber chickens Alex eyebrows and The Morgatron. They decided to make my night harder and I also remember effin eyebrows buying a bottle of wine.
I ended up asleep in Kiwis and luckily while walking home I bumped into some people from the BBC. What would you do?


You are hanging out of your arse so instead of trying to get home to sleep in a warm bed with the Atatollah I decided to go back with the BBC and drink wine. Which meant when I came to in the morning I actually ended up going straight to the pub, smelling of Saturday with breath like Chernobyl. I was accompanied by a giant from the old Welsh kingdom of Ceredigion and Fat Mike. Fat Mike accosted me and talked to me for a whole 5 minutes on how great Cwmbran RFC are………it was probably longer than 5 minutes but I had fallen asleep again.
I must imagine for neutrals this game was pretty good, for me it was about the cheating Micks messing about in the rucks and the most stupidish referee in the world who I have taken a contract out on, I didn’t think that anyone was going to annoy me more than Brian ‘I want to suck off the entire English team’ Moore but he did – he is a fucking knob and I hope he falls over.

Back to the game, I did think that Ireland still deserved to win but they are far from the team tipped to be champions after the autumn internationals.
After the match I continued to drink and then sang for 7 and ¾ hours running out of songs that by the end when the Irish fans asked us for another song I bent into ‘Back for Good’ by Take that. I can only thank god that there were enough birds in their late twenties in their pub that saved me looking like twat. Actually so successful were me and my bitches I also got away with Relight my fire and I did the Lulu part………..


The atmosphere after the match was subdued but that was because it was a bloody Sunday, papers today say that the city lost about 40% of its takings.
So now that I have recovered I have a day and a bit to get ready to start drinking in Scotland. Even writing this I feel a little bit of sex wee coming on. This really is an Elite drinking team and with London Welsh coming up we will be introducing new STD’s to a foreign land. There will also be the largest contingent of travelling yanks to hit these shores since half way through World War II………….


The games? England should bend Italy but the British (English) Press will be upset because Jonny only scored a hat trick and 5 drop goals but failed to halt Global warming and secure peace in the Middle East. Ireland/France in Croke Park will be an absolute humdinger of a match, one that will make us fans salivate. France have made a few changes which makes you wonder but they have quality throughout while the Irish who under performed by their lofty standards on Sunday should perform a lot better at home. I think the Irish should do it and now that they have beaten us I wouldn’t mind them going all the way – Dublin is still a shit pit for International weekend.


As for us and the sweaty socks (Jocks – Thanks Ski) I do believe that we have the team to beat them. They really do play above themselves in Murrayfield and with the exception of 2005, we always travel there with a better side and we usually make hard weather of it. We need Shanklin back and a bit of penetration on the wings. I am glad the slow poison that I managed Luscombe to ingest actually works as I would rather have Sammy the Seal in the backs than that cack handed fecker.

Anyway losers, I am going to sign off but keep sending in your blogs. I am going to have as much fun as one man can have with loads of his best mates around in a place full of like minded people. First one who guesses the score wins a authentic great Scottish Heroes tea towel featuring a picture of the Osmonds, Jimmy Krankie and Rab C Nesbit.
Breaking news is that it looks like Wales and England will be covered by a blanket of snow, on Wednesday I am going to go to mass, have a chat with the big Man and tell him that he better get me to Scotland otherwise his favourite son will be pissed off and will defect to Neil, Sam and Big Wills side.

As this yank sees it - By King Vultan of the Birdmen

France demolished Italy, as most of the wiser amongst us suspected theywould. Italy have improved greatly, but they play Rugby the way we Yanksplay soccer - mechanically sound, sometimes even technically sound, andoccasionally brilliant, but with no instinct for the game. They can't closethe deal - they can't make the last pass. Gove France credit for gooddefense - but my guess is that France good have retired to the pub at aroundthe sixty minute mark, and it still would have taken Italy 7 minutes toscore. It reminds me of the way the rest of the world used to playbasketball. They did everything fundamentally sound, but they never lookingfluid - very mechanical but never in danger of a behind the back or no lookpass. No flair and not instinct for the try line.

The England - Scotland match was a mild disappointment from my perspective.I expected more from Scotland, but Kudos to England for a well played match.For a bunch of lads whom I had heard little or nothing about (other thenVickery, Wilko, Lewsey, Corry et al), they played well and with some realpassion, Christ next they may even have some flair from the backs! Anyway,Scotland's backs looked at sixes and sevens even when they did get the balland always seemed to be on the back foot (again, Kudos to England for theexcellent defense).


I am looking forward to next weeks matches - I expect that Wales willprevail against Scotland. I fancy it to be close, but I think Wales willprevail - if they can get quick ball (as they sometimes did againstIreland), and run like they did, I think they will get the upper hand on theScots. England will have no problem with Italy - as a matter of fact, if Iwere Italy I wouldn't show up until half time - the score will be about thesame and they'll take less of a pounding. Italy will be brave in defense butwill eventually be ground down by the relentless English pressure. It willbe slightly more entertaining to watch that paint drying, but just barely.Ah, but Ireland - France, in Dublin - now that will be a cracker. I thinkthe Irish will prevail, but they will have to bring their A game - anythingless and the Froggies should prevail. As opposed to the Welsh last weekend,the froggies can make that last pass or break that last tackle and score. Ofcourse, if the Froggies bring the side that played the first test againstthe AB's in November - then they need bother showing up at all. I'm backingIreland by a whisker in this one, but a French victory wouldn't surprise menor would it be an upset.

Was all just a nightmare! by Campo's lovechild

It was as I said a Dallas style three year nightmare and I have woken up. What a weekend. England looked more like their old selves. I know the Wilkinson trie wasn’t a trie but hey, sometimes the decisions go your way so I’m not complaining. Wilkinson was awesome and the opportunist trie by Billy Whizz was why he is back in the side. OK Scotland weren’t really firing on all cylinders and didn’t compete for every ball but what England needed was a boost in their confidence and we got it. Still a lot of work to do to get back but it is a great start. Defence looked shaky at times but that gives us some focus to work on. Roll on the rest of the Six Nations.

Didn’t watch the France v Italy game as I was under the bonnet of my car up to my armpits in grease and oil but did manage to finish on Sunday at about 5pm and then sat down to watch the Wales v Ireland game on Sky +.

Brilliant! I know you lost but you should have won. Key decisions went against you which probably would have sealed you the game. I think Ireland were getting away with murder on the ground and killing the ball which the Ref seemed to be oblivious to. Maybe I was watching a different game to everybody else but the amount of turnover ball being won by Ireland shouldn’t have been happening. I think S Jones didn’t have the best game of his life and didn’t want to take on his opposite number. He sat way way too deep so by the time he moved the ball out the Irish backs were ready to smash the unfortunate receiver. Your backs just didn’t look as sharp as they had over the Autumn and made too many wrong decisions. You need Shane Williams to bring that bit of spark back. James Hook made too many errors but not sure about that Free Kick fiasco, I don’t think he presented the ball at all. Peel for me was the man of the match, he was awesome and his vision at the quick starts was brilliant. Great game wrong result. The tempo through the whole match was unbelievable and the guys must have been hanging out of their arses by the end. I’ve got to say that Ireland are big and strong and you can’t give them an inch but didn’t look that inventive. Just battered their way through.

Can’t wait for the rest of the tournament now as an Englishman we have hope restored with the return of our core players and every digit crossed that Mr Wilkinson remains fit until the end of the year at least.

England/Scotland by the Silver Rhondda Fox

It looks as if Brian Ashton is not the only one trying something a bit different this weekend. This is my first ever Blog entry – ever! See how far Mrs. Evans’ boy has come from the Valleys!!

Anyway, the former bath boss is known as an attacking coach but looking at the team he has picked for this weekend it doesn’t look as is he is going to be getting the juggernauts of the Northern Hemisphere throwing the ball around as if it is on fire. Corry is looking in good form after having the captaincy taken off him. Glad Grewcock is in as there is man who likes to take 10 minutes off, usually in the second half for a breather

While the selection of Wilkinson and Farrell have caused a few eyebrows to be raies especially as the veteran Johnny has not really played much in the way of tiddlywinks let alone rugby in the last few years, you cannot deny that there is a quality to the English backs that was lacking under Robinson. Corry is looking in good form after having the captaincy taken off him. Glad Grewcock is in as there is man who likes to take 10 minutes off, usually in the second half for a breather.

England certainly have what appears to be an easy draw to start with (Scotland then Italy) and if the players carry their Heineken cup form into this competition they will be in with a shout of the Championship but not I think of the Grand Slam, Ireland are still my hot favourites.

Scotland on the other hand, have been showing signs of improvement over the last couple of months. This game last year had a couple of lucky factors for the Scottish:

A home game for Scotland
Very bad conditions
The worst England team in a long time.

The Scottish fans are looking forward to the weekend but more in hope than expectation.
Let’s hope that Hadden’s selection of Paterson at 10 doesn’t happen in the last ten minutes of the game when the English are 30 points ahead and out of sight and there is my prediction for the weekend. The English pack will be too strong for the Scots and the English backs will have and easy opener for the tournament.

My View from Londinium by London Welsh

My View from Londinium

With the six nations imminent, almost all talk in the capital City of Saxonia is of the Return of the King. Mr Papercut is set to start an England international for the first time in over three years. God, the last time he played I was still working my way through my third batch of Freshers! There is a sense of expectancy, of a backlash from new beginings (even with old names creating those beginings) and I for one am looking forward to seeing the 10-12 paring of the afformentioned Tubigrip and a Double Hard Rough Northern Bastard*. Oh, how much pressure has been lifted from him in the wake of Elastoplast's return?

Dodgy Blindside to World Class 12 in six months. Hmm, if only Jason White were fit...! But one issue is exciting me incredibly. The prospect of seeing the Orange One hitting the line from 15. He has been criticised in the media by ignorant, condecending old hacks like Butler for not being dependable and missing tackles, but i'd prefer him there over fucking Kevin brittlebones Morgan. I just hope that he gets the nod. I do fear the worst if Robinson or Luscombe start at 13 though, O'Driscoll will make them look lika a fool.

On a lighter note, I am sleeping much happier now in the knowledge that Katherine Jenkins lives here in Londinium. I know that greatness gravitiates to greatness, and she will find me soon. Long walks in Regent's park, an afternoon date on the London eye, a brothel in Soho. I know she will be game for all. I cant wait to see her Sunday in her little Wales shirt and bum hugging jeans. MMMM. She's got some fucking tits on her too you know! Undecided whther to hit cardiff Sunday, it may be spontaneous.

London Welsh

*Some exceptances are made to being Northern and Hard, notably Spenny and "are Jayyson frum Mertha"

Yr Eidal 19 - 25 Ffrainc

Ahh Tour - Cant wait for Edinburgh!