exclusive by the Daily Chocolate seagull

Above: Fishguard Rugby Club could be compared to this before Chocolate Seagull started playing for them and as legend goes 'built it up from the ashes' some people say that when Fishguard is ever threatened with invasion the Seagull will again return and save it

My front row would be the same as yours,

1. Jenkins

2. Best

3. Jones

I'm fucking fed up of reading in the English press how good their front row is just because they stuffed the Irish scrum, my daughters are better scrummagers. Cole is a cunt and Corbisiero is American.

This would also be my choice for 6 nations front row

.4. Gray

5. Evans

Great tournament from both these long twats, with Donnacha Ryan not far behind. 6 nations side would include Pape instead of Evans, mainly because he's horrible.

6. Lydiate

7. Warburton

8. Falatau

Now the best back row unite in the world, I'd genuinely allow each of these gentlemen to double fist me, sans KY. Ferris pushing Lydiate close and would be a great bench selection. Only one player in the world would improve this unit, and that is Parisse, so he makes it into the 6 nations side. Again fed up of hearing about England's fabulous back row, The Daily Chocolate Seagull says they are shit, Morgan is fat and unfit(though will be good once fit)(wont happen, love pies and cock)Robshaw is a cunt. Also probably the most over rated back rower in the championship. Croft i like, but is still probably only the 4th best blindside in the competition.

9. Phillips

All the other scrum halves in the home nations are really really shit, so no competition for him, though my 6 nation side would include the calfless Georgian Yachvilli, excellent stratatician and as the outside halves aren't exceptional candidates, his experience would be needed.

10. Sexton

Priestland a good back up, Farrell too slow.

11. North Say - no more

12. Roberts(lions) Fofana(6nations) - The Frenchman is quick and exciting, Roberts is probably gay.

13. Jon Davies Outstanding in every game, and now approaching world class. Best defending 13 was Barritt, otherwise he's shit.

14. Bowe - Cuthbert did well but is too raw for Lions level yet, my back up wing would be Halfpenny, therefore

15. Kearney - Good brave tournament from the king of pikeys, Halfpenny was awesome, but yourman shades it, place 1/2penny on the bench and you have best back 3 sub in rugby. Foden is an exciting runner and funnily enough doesn't seem to be a cunt.

Over and out,

Lanky dangly bastards

Lots of competition for second row here. I think every single lock of the home nations has a chance of getting on the plane to Oz next year. Paul O Connell is usually first on the list for most team lists however, he didn’t have loads of game time in this 6 nations so does he go straight into the Lions side? Everybody I speak to loves Courtney Lawes but I haven’t seen enough of him yet. Botha and Palmer have been impressive. Also impressive every time he takes the field, Ian Evans has come from nowhere this season. In a piece in this weeks rugby paper it states that from the Grand slam team he was the only one to have played in every minute of every match. Alun Wyn Jones has been amazing but I always find I expect too much from him and while he reaches a high standard doesn’t reach MY high standard. I think Luke Charteris will go next year and push for a place but I am going to go for Courtney Lawes as my other lock. His athleticism made him the choice and even though he is a massive pink doyley by getting the ball ripped away from him by a back, also puts in the hard yards.

Damn every time I read this back I want to change my selection.

As for my 6 nations team against them. I don’t think the Italian second rows stood out and I did think that locks such as Ian Evans, O Callaghan, Botha and Alun Wyn Jones played a lot better. So for my 6 nations choice I will go for Pascal Pape and Alun Wyn Jones – like it?

Wank Hair XV

Running side by side with the other two teams will be the wank hair XV. These are my choices.

Above: Not only Top of the Props (see what i did there) but a big old beard and fucking huge hair - one of the original hair bears.

Above: My other wank hair 6 nations prop - Castro - what a set of props.....

Above: What an absolute bumder but for wank hair young Dmitri Szarzewski takes the biscuit and the GHD hair straighteners....i bet you he even eats on tour and tells his missus what the other boys have done - twat. Special mention goes to Ross Ford who just looks like a girls doll

Prop idol and the hooker - pick of the best

So our 6 nations has come and gone. As I predicted it would be a close fought one. Wales could’ve lost against Ireland, England and France and who would’ve argued if Scotland had beaten England, Wales if they had kept their players on and of course France. The only shock I think was the England France game. So many people got in touch and said ‘Rooster – you are amazing and handsome how about a British Lions team out of that lot?’ I of course am not one to let down the fans but thought it also a spiffing idea to have a 6 nations XV as well. A sort of best of the rest of the home nations with French and Italians players who have stood out. So am I going to stick my
neck out – yes I flipping well am.

So today I will stick with front rows. For the Lions my two props would be the Welsh boys Jenkins and Jones. Now even though my weight is annually tripling I have no knowledge of the front row and the dark arts involved but lest we forget, these two are already Lions props. There is a solidity in Adam Jones performances that gives me jimmy seepage, Jenkins work around the park turns the seeping into a flow.…….. Hooker…well I know Matthew Rees is a Lion and I am sure Ross Ford went on the Lions tour at some point, Hartley has great days and days to forget so I will go for Rory Best as my Lions hooker.

So my Lions front row in Oz at this moment would be Jenkins, Best and Jones but who would pack down against them for my 6 Nations side. I woudnt bother with any Irish props considering the bumming they took off the English on the last day and with that in mind I would pluck for Corsibiero. For my Hooker although I have mentioned the others I would hoy in William Servat and number 3 edging Mas, Attoub and Dan Cole would be Castrogiavanni. Like it – no?
well see if you set of twats can do any better?

transcript from Saturdays rugby coverage

Above: 'What do you mean how influential was Jonny Wilkinson to todays win? - I am a fucking Olympic rower you twat!'
Hi welcome to BBC sport I am John Inverdale – you may think that it’s a day for a possible Grand slam for Wales but…
Above: John Inverdale: 'Why are you booing? If you think nicking this is bad you should see my collection of some of his old wank socks'
If Wales lose by loads and loads of points and England win by loads and loads of points. If Owen Farrell scores twenty tries and Dan Cole drops 20 drop goals. If all the planets are in the phase of Pisces and the tarot cards and runes are in the ascendancy. If more than 2 of the Welsh pack are
Librans and the English have one left hander in the backs. If Sam Warburton’s mother has a lilac car won during the game show 3-2-1 with Ted Rodgers and Dusty Bin then England will win the 6 nations and wont that be amazing – now lets watch Wales versus (shuffles papers……looks confused….France!.. they’re playing France..great ..anyway watch this and then we can really look forward to the final game which is so important……

Below: John Inverdale 'so how important is Jonny Wilkinson to the black community?'

Wales - Grand Slam

France?
Non n’est pas France

Le slam le crunch, le panache, l’equipe, les Gallois, le Gallois formidable.

Other than un beer s’il vous plait that’s as good as it gets.

What a game what a day – well done Wales.

Bill Mclaren, testicles and police marksmen bringing down cows in West Wales

Above: 'Its Bill Mclaren, he's says its going to be a Wales Grand Slam but is also complaining about how noisy it is up there since Frankie Carson arrived.'

So far for the final weekend we probably have the toughest round for the Lovechickens all predict off. So far there is a 50/50 split for the Italy Scotland game.

60% are going for an Ireland win and 90% for a Wales Grand slam. I just want to include some of the predictions that have come through from Chickens in Wales, England and all the way over in Oz. The country where all the criminals are - not the place with the yellow brick road....or the orange people - thats Neath.

Spen the Viking

Italy v Scotland - I predict a game akin to Old Parkonians U16s v Mold Vets, with an Italy
win (I'd donate a testicle to see Scotland get the wooden spoon).
Wales v France - tricky. Wales are easily the strongest team in the tournament and have a huge home advantage, but France usually come back and play like magicians after being humiliated. I predict a bloodbath, with Wales just edging it.
England v Ireland. I predict another bloodbath, with England edging it.

Pete 2 fannies

England are finding their feet now under Lancaster. The team is young and could be a good one with Owen farell orchestrating things at 10, also croft was superb against France. It'll be a tough one but I think England will pull through.
Defensively Italy were very strong against Wales, but still look suspect in attack, they are not the team they once were with Troncon and Dominguez 9 and 10. Bergamasco brings passion and fire to the game, but he normally ends up looking like a hot headed twat. Parisse is of course World class. Scotland on the other hand are showing some promise on the attacking front so I gonna stick my neck out and say Scotland to win by 10 points.
Wales v France. The biggie. I am very nervous about this game. I just feel that the last 2 times we've played for a grand slam, we've won so we're due a loss. On current form we should win it, in fact whilst we've won all our games I don't think we've played our best, but the French are after all the French and its become a cliche but you really don't know which team is going to turn up. I've got beef animals on my farm, a French breed called Limousin, and they are exactly like their human counterpart, you don’t know what the fuck they're going do next. On one hand they could walk into the shed quietly and let you inject them with the biggest fuck off needle you ever saw, or they could decide they want to pin you against the wall, and then the floor, kill you, then jump a ten foot wall and run all the way to Scleddau before being killed by a police marksman.
I am dreading the game, even though the championship is virtually ours, I'm going to say a French win

Phil umbongo unbongo they drink it in the Congo

My predictions are :-
Scotland win against Italia
Wales to beat Les Bleurghs. (This will be a very tight match and if the French play to their potential and Wales continue with their current form France could win.)
England to beat the Bogtrotters to revenge themselves for last year.

I want to talk about Wales...

I hope readers of this blog indulge me with a chat about Wales and the forth coming potential Grand slam match as I want to return to an old favourite of mine.
No its not:

1. Chris Ashton
2. Pathetic Sunday rugby killing the game off for generations to come
3. Gavin Henson
4. Percentages of people who wipe their arses standing up
5. Shit attendances for regional rugby

It’s about how lucky Welsh rugby supporters are nowadays.
You see if you were 24 years old and you were going out on the piss on Saturday for shenanigans this would be for your 3 grand slam game since you were 17. In between that even though there has been shit we have had players and teams that have set the world on fire. For many of the Lovechickens especially the West Walian part of the 150 or so members from the ages of about 16 (when we had been drinking properly for 2 years) till we were about 30 – life was pretty shit. No wonder we have such problems with alcohol, it was the only way we could forget our performances. Yes there was the triple crown of 88, the championship of 94 and those beautiful early days of a relationship where we were cockstruck with Graham Henry. Our capitulations were etched in our mind and many a time I would sit in the Claude praying that our boys wouldn’t have been bummed to death or maybe even that they had attempted to make a tackle or God forbid, compete for one of our lineouts, but those prayers remained unfulfilled. Especially in the early 90’s we would look over Offa’s Dyke to watch gits like Underwood, Carling, Ackford, Dooley and Brian Moore strut their stuff. They were class above and we weren’t even in the class below, we were stuck in remedial class playing with play-doh. Even though Barry John or Wales Today do not mention the Welsh team without talking about the great side of the 70’s, it doesn’t matter anymore. It would have been lovely going out on the lash knowing that Wales were going to win…but did they? I only counted 3 grand slams myself in the 70’s and not one win against the All Blacks or South Africa – lets move on because rugby has.

Let’s not kid ourselves this isn’t a Welsh team full of greats however it is a great Welsh team. We haven’t had an easy game which shows what an amazing thing the 6 nations is and how amazing THIS 6 Nations is. Other than the English result last Sunday there haven’t been the surprises of
the past but there really could have been. This Welsh team has played and beaten the team in front of them and they have done it with pride and on occasion, panache. People are moaning that these are a heavy weight backline, yes they are but you see J Davies, Halfpenny and Priestland, all big boys, choosing their angles well, looking for space and looking for the off load. It seems that as soon as Wales opt for brawn in the backs there is something wrong and I
seem to think that Rougerie has been in the game for a while now, Mathieu Bastareud (remember him) was also a bruiser while England has not been obverse to pick the odd Matt banahan or even on Saturday, the svelte, all running, avoiders of contact, Tuilagi and Barritt. We have some bruisers but we have players of skill, if it not for the grafters or our players such as Warburton, Lydiate and Adam Jones then we wouldn’t be in the situation of seeing our big runners just our big tacklers.

It could go either way on Saturday in the real decider. France have the capability to let rip especially with Yachvili to settle the ship but Wales will go into the game undaunted, unbowed and unbroken with a chance to make history, if they do, it is because they have not relied on one
thing as we have had to do in the past. The boot of Stephen Jones or Neil Jenkins, the power of Garin or Gethin Jenkins or the all round phenomenal talent of Shane or Martyn Williams it will be because we have a good team, who know their job and who can excel in it. I look back now and I see a thinner but still extremely handsome me sitting in the Claude pub or Tavistock pub in
Cardiff, or in Oliver’s in Edinburgh or stuck in a stadium in Brisbane as Mike Catt gives us a lesson in shutting out a game, sat next to people who I loved then and most of them, love now and I feel like walking in and saying to him - don’t worry buddy boy – its all going to be ok…………….and stop eating shit or you really are going to be fat.

Enjoy the rugby on Saturday no matter where you are from –
the love of the game keeps us together and separates us from the twats.

non rugby related story - but true

I have been in and out of hospital these past few weeks not too much fun there. However I heard something a few days ago that made me weep into my cup a soup. There were a couple in the next cubicle arguing over names for their baby. They were both 17 and the boy sounded like David Beckham working out the square root of 4,631 whilst attempting to button up his shirt. The girl initially caught my attention when she said this:

Simpering girl: ‘remember when I left the sixth form early because I really wanted a job where I could sleep all day?’

Squeaky retard: ‘yeah?’

Simpering girl: ‘well even though I couldn’t find one, even if I did, I wouldn’t want it because its quite boring here just lying in bed’

This is the honest truth, where did she think she would get this job? and that last conversation wasn’t even the reason I am writing this. This is:

The next thing is they were arguing about names and David said that he wanted a Welsh name for the baby and she said she didn’t like any and then after 5 minutes of silence she came back and said that she did like one Welsh name. He asked what it was and she answered

‘H’

She was going to call her kid ‘H’!!!

Below: H from steps. Says he was bullied because he was Gay - he wasn't - it was because he was annoying

The Americans are coming

Above: Uncle Sam - i wouldnt point like that in Newport mate.........

The American Lovechickens are coming! No, not all of them – thank fuck, I don’t think these isles could take that. But we do have a good rump of people from our old colony.

They are flying in – coming down to Wales and then fucking off so I thought I might do a very quick guide so they know what to expect.

Geography
It says a lot about a country when some of the best things about it are things that the populace had fuck all to do with and with Wales that means amazing coast lines, mountains and vales that take the breath away and areas of huge and intense beauty. As soon as the Welsh get hold of things like cities, infrastructure or politics they fuck it up.

So the people.
There is no point going into regional differences so I will concentrate on Newport where they will be staying. For starters Americans will not understand a word anyone says. Also this isn’t everybody but the national dress of men from Newport who stray into the town centre is a vest but even though they are in their 40s they will also dress like a teenager. The women are slack jawed, stretched titted harridans, if they are pregnant and they usually are it is against the law for them NOT to smoke. They, like their men folk will also dress like they are teenagers unless they are teenagers when they will dress in their jimmy jams…and not nice ones, fezzing ones. If they are obese it is compulsory to wear a crop top. Also compulsory for vest wearers is that they have to have a dangerous looking dog with them.

Food
(Franch accent) well Monsieur zeeing zat you are een ze Newport you must dry ze chips and cheese, eet eez a local delicacy……

He’s right though, while a must for the American chickens on Saturday night will be to venture down Chip alley, avoiding puddles of yak and screeching west Walian women in shiny Cowboy hats to eat delicious and exotic Orange curry, Friday night in Newport will be to sit down at the end of the night and watch people from Pontypool knock fuck out of each other while eating cheese and chips – it doesn’t get much better than that.

Politics
OK lets say that Osama Bin Laden and Rose West had coupled and had a boy called I don’t know Anthony and then Hitler and Jordan got together and had a girl called Samantha. Anthony and Samantha get married and have a kid. At the same Time Pol pot and Chris Ashton get together and have a boy called Denzil and then President Mugabe and General Pinochet got together
and adopted a girl called chaneeza. Then Denzil has it off with Chaneeza and they have a kid. OK is that clear? So after generations of evil the two kids get together, mate and produce a being of such awful evil that even Rusty Lee, one of the original TV Cooks, doesn’t like it. We’ll call it Neil . Neil, once he reaches an age when he feels old enough, goes around killing everybodies first
born child in Wales and also makes everybody in South Wales homeless by knocking down their houses. If Neil then stands in an election in Wales for the Labour Party – the people whose families had been destroyed by Neil and whose houses had been knocked down by Neil would still vote for him……

Things you will see this weekend
Red things, fighting, queues for taxis, the police, singing, women crying because they have drank too much and are being sick in the street with their mates holding their hair and smoothing their backs.

Things you will not see this weekend
Taxis, Harps, coal miners, fruit, a healthy debate on the rights of man and US foreign policy after 1945.

This may all sound negative but I can guarantee that on Sunday morning, once you come round, you will be planning next years trip to the home of rugby orientated, all day drinking shenanigans, happy in the knowledge that if it comes up to half the level of enjoyment that this weekend has then it will be amazing.

as the fug of the weekend clears

Above: Andy Powell - when i have nothing funny to write the trick is to throw in a picture of him

It’s interesting looking at some of the Lovechickens fantasy rugby selections to see how they saw the championship heading. I look at mine inparticular and realise that a. people haven’t lived up to their or my billing b. I am shit at picking fantasy rugby sides.

I am of course the biggest lambs cock in the world for picking Dan Parks to begin with but sometimes that complete klutz gets his kicks over, he didn’t, he retired and I swapped him……

In the fantasy rugby you are allowed at most, 4 from a nation so I loaded mine with 4 Welsh 4 French 3 Irish 2 English 1 Scotsman and an Italian. Pretty much if I am being honest the order I saw the 6 nations being. Yes the French are there or there abouts but they have been dull as dish
water. I know I singled out Fofana last week and yes he rewarded my Mystic megism with another try but so far (and I mean so far…as I don’t want it thrown back in my face when he scores 5 tries, converts them all, hits 5 drop goals and then fingers Kathrine Jenkins on Saturday) he hasn’t set the world alight. He hasn’t been a Jonathan Davies, Tuilagi, Bowe or a Hogg, has he?

I will leave the comments on players of the tournament till after but this weekend will be the making and breaking of players with regards to this tournament. England’s recovery and return to form will soon be forgotten if they don’t produce the goods against Ireland.
Here in Wales, the national side are being hyped up to a point where I started thinking last week that we are transcending rugby and sending Mike Phillips and George North to bring some peace to the Syrians, Alex Cuthbert and Alun Wyn Jones are being sent to Russia to ensure fair and safe elections and Andy Powell is being send to Japan to stick his fat thick head in the holes in the
Fukishima power plant. Saturday afternoon is when they have to deliver. Priestland is not looking up to scratch, our hookers still have to sort themselves out and so do the lineouts – this is the weekend that needs to happen. Scotland and Italy have promised much and delivered little but have relied on the fact that they weren’t expected to win the initial matches – this weekend is different, no where to run and no excuses left. Ireland could’ve been on for a slam this year, maybe a few players let them down, they cant afford to do it this weekend on an English team on the up and finally France, I don’t see any change of attitude or behaviour from the World cup but what does that mean this weekend – the French that played Tonga or the French that coulda and shoulda won the world cup final? Saint Andre reckons he hasn’t the time with the players but pursuing the same tactics as his predecessor seems a retrograde step so come this weekend his choices and his decisions will be seen as a success or a failure.

No excuses for all 6 – bring it on.

huzzah for the posh chaps and the northern ones who don't wash...

Above: Manu Tuilagi circa 1999 who would have thought that a rats tail would make him look even more stupid

What a great game. If we are being honest half of the Lovechickens are English so we have a very happy half a club at the moment; however I don’t think they should just be happy with the result but the manner in which they played. As well as Harinordoquy played I do not think he should have had man of the match ahead of Croft who was jizmungus and that try was great. Also Jizmungus was Parra’s kicking in the end. People are saying that this is a turn around from the sack of shit they were in the world cup but don’t you think this is a turn around from the sack of shit they were in the first two games of the championship? All said and done we have got three amazing games next weekend. Wooden spoon is going to be a beauty – Scotland were gash this weekend but this is the game that saves their bacon, its not good enough to be nearly rans, they have to win. Its Italy at home, it’s the last game of the season so will we see a more determined Italian side or maybe Brunel may just say fuck it and try something different.
One thing I’d say is that Italy are a more dynamic team with Bergamasco in the side, not brilliant, but better.
Then we have as Jiffy said, the plate final. What a treat we have in store especially since we have 2 teams reaching their potential, will Twickenham and home advantage be the deciding factor.

And what about the Grand finale, the slam? Will this be the game that the French wake up and play like we all know they can or will Wales also play the way that we know they can? The haven’t been the striding behemoths of rugby on the way to the slam, they could have lost to Ireland and especially England and they only put the pressure on when Scotland had men in the bin. This is a brilliant side but come on, brilliant sides get unstuck.

post match anal cyst

Above: Jacobsen: awreite wee man can you spare ten pence for wee energy drink......?

well that's what you get for thinking that Wales would win a gazillion points to 3. It was a win and that's that - we did a job and i thought we showed maturity in gaining the W (W means win - i am talking in rugby coach speak now - you won't understand). George Clancy may need a little reminder that 72,500 people and millions of people at home (and that includes Doug watching it in a bar in Texas with somebody from Newport) wanted to watch rugby and hadn't turned up or tuned in to watch some jug eared Irish twat take over the game. if you want to be centre stage fuck off and do Karaoke. Also can we stop hearing people saying should 'Welsh players be talking or thinking about a Grand Slam - well seeing that the next game is the Grand slam game and if you want to win, which you should do, then it will be a Grand Slam - then of course you are going to talk or think about it. Surely the reason you don't talk about them with more than 1 game to go is so you don't seem cocky or presumptuous - its only dicks that don't understand rugby that talk about Grand slams after 1 game......

Interesting game the Irish Scotland one. Great first half, lots going on. Second half - shit. Scotland just couldn't make The dent they wanted although the effort by Denton and Gray was enormous. The Irish were great in the forwards, i thought Healy really got around the pitch and the man of match Ryan was justified. Nicking those 2 lineouts was pretty special. I am sure that one of the centres always rushes off side as soon as the ball leaves the Scottish scrum half but what do i know. Annoyingly the only shots of Andy Robinson was at a long angle with him peering over a computer screen like some sort of pervert. As always it is a joy to watch Allan Jacobsen probably the most Scottish looking man since Jimmy Krankie but alas today it was only the Irish that were fandabidozie

Day before International weekend - excited?

Hmmm as much as Italy and Wales will be interesting this weekend it’s the other 2 games which are the humdingers. Both very very interesting.

Ireland Scotland matches are traditionally brilliant or shit. Although Scotland
won the world cup warm up it is the small handed travelling folk that have had
the results snagging 8 out of the last 10 encounters. It’s at home for Ireland
and after defeat by the Welsh they won’t want to put another L in the home box
(coach speak – you won’t understand). With the 2 big O’s out there may be a
jangling of nerves but they have the other Owe and that’s Tommy Bowe who’s been
scoring for fun.( I still think I should have had an assist from Rougerie for
my fantasy rugby team in last weeks game). However Scotland deserve a win and by
jiminy (or should I say Jimmy) I don’t want it to be against the Italians.
Robinson has to get a result soon – I hear that some players are coming out in
support of him and if this was kissball that would mean that he was on his way
out….but then again if it was kissball he wouldn’t give a fuck because he would
be given a gazillion pound pay off to leave a team that he didn’t even give a
toss about to coach another team he doesn’t care about. The result between Scotland and France
and then France and Ireland means that this should be close and a good one.

Scottish people to watch

Stuart Hogg – from zero to well not bad as yet – loads of
potential and lots of threat – great stuff

Irish people to watch – all of them, the moment your backs
turned, all of the lead on your roof will be gone and they’ll be challenging
your auntie June to fight them for a pound.

All of them and especially Tommy Bowe and Rory Best

Sundays game (and did you notice I didn’t mention anything about soul destroyingly shit Sunday rugby then?) is also going to be great. If this game had been before the Welsh game I would have forseen the French taking a 35 minute break in the middle of the first half to have some shit hard bread sandwiches with jambon and fromage and an opportunity to smoke 10 Gallois each
and still go on and beat the imperial pigdogs by 27 points. But it isn’t and they won’t. This is a different English side who were unlucky to lose and very unlucky not to draw against the Welsh. Farrell was terrific and I thought Botha was all over the field. The French were absolutely village against the Scottish and Irish but still got some results. They have dropped Trinh-Duc and Parra and brought in Dupuy and the bloke who looks like an eastern European pimp cum money lender Beauxis whose drop goal performance last week has seen his early induction into the Arthur Emyr Drop goal Hall of fame. Either Sant-Andre is a genius or he is underestimating the English. I thought Rougerie was shit last week and I am seriously pissed off with Fofana, not because of anything he has done, its just he is not in my ESPN fantasy rugby team. Two teams face each
other on Sunday who have both played beneath themselves for most of the tournament, who is going to pull their fingers out of their arse and get it on like donkey kong?

English people to watch out for

Tuilagi – he is the person who can create holes in the defence especially whilst Foden and Ashton seemed to have taken some performance disabling drugs

Bobby Davro – now that we’ve lost a giant like Frankie Carson who else can we depend upon for comic ingeniouity (half back partnership with Gary Wilmott could be the Lions pairing of fun)
Above: The further away Fraincois Pienaar gets away from his playing days the camper he gets
French people to watch out for

Fofana already mentioned – seems to get into good positions – an eye for a try

Pepe le Puw
Dresses in black and white, doesn’t take no for an answer from women and smells – could be any of them…..(except for Sophie Marceau who
is cowing lush)

Wales Italy should be a good game, I think that Italy raise their game against the Welsh but to show some sort of maturity this Welsh side has to be up for this game and they have to put them away early. The Italians will be out to stop them, there has been some shit games for them this year but as I have said this is season 1 for them under their new coach – lets hope they
kick on before Parisse is forced to retire after carrying a side for so long. So
the penultimate weekend is here, plenty to play for as Wales France and England
are still in the mix…..

Welsh people to watch out for

Jonathan Davies – no not the commentator but the Scarlets
centre – he can find and line and gap and his try assist count will go through
the roof

Fenella the Witch

Younger viewers look away now because 1. you will shit
yourself and 2. you wont have a clue what I am talking about. Fenella was the
baddy from Chorlton and the Wheelies and used to whizz around like someone…well
someone on whizz. Petrifying and more than a match for an Italian back line.

Above: Look her! She is fucking terrifying!!

Italians to watch out for

You don’t really have to watch out for them you can hear
them coming. Talking…sorry shouting at each other like 2 old people from
Mountain Ash on a very loud bus.

Parisse – yawn but true – class class class and smart missus

a response to King of the Gays by Fuzzy

Above: And there's me thinking that Fuzz and Han went to Thailand for their honymoon

“Dear king of the gays,

I note your comments with interest. Without wishing to comment on your choices and engage in a “You’ve got a black cat, I’ve got a panther” tit for tat diatribe on your chosen subjects – I thought that I would move the debate in a different direction and focus my attention on one of the forgotten hero’s of commentary – Alan Wilkins. As you will recall Alan was formerly the erstwhile presenter of “Rugby Special Wales” the thinking mans version of “Scrum V” which was altogether a more cerebral affair. Think back. There were no bloody women presenters talking blabbering crap about Lee Byrnes thighs and for some unknown reason they saw fit to record the programme in an actual TV studio rather than in some faux pub surrounded by fat committee men, fatter women’s rugby teams and roiders for some village club from the arse end of a valley.

Also there was no Rick “Man Of The People” O’Shea chirping on about the characters you meet in the clubs up and down the country like some demented love child of “Doc Cox” off of That’s Life. Instead we used to look forward to the incoherent semi turret commentary of jive talking sideburn mister Phil Bennett throwing about cliché's as if they were on sale in Tesco’s – classics such as “Slanting straight run”; “Bags of pride”; “50 odd caps”; and who could forget “Its Wales with the heart, but England with the head” – absolute fucking gibberish. We also had the joy of watching highlights of old merit table games between behemoths such as Cross Keys, Newbridge, Penarth v Tredegar. We could see the Jim Scarlett’s; Dick Morriaty’s; Arwel Parry’s; Andy Allen’s; Paul Jackson’s; Alun Edmunds’; Laurence Dellaney’s; Richard Diplock’s; David Crane’s; and Carl Gnoiak’s strut their majestic skills on one of our three channels for one magical hour a week – none of this Rabo Direct tripe between Dolmio v Connaught that we are forced to endure today where you need a map to work out whose playing.

Alan Wilkins bestrode the programme like a colossus of rugby chat – the man exuded sports casual in his blue sports jacket and grey farrahs. He has the poise of a Parkinson, the suave sophistication of a Titchmarsh and the raw animal instincts of a Madley – he was in essence a gnats cock away from Partridge on The Day Today. My abiding memory of him was that he has way too much hair for only one head.

Above: Alan Wilkins - and now lets look at the highlight of Maesteg's 0-0 fight with Penarth

I was most spun out recently when I saw him anchoring Star Sports in Singapore – what the fuck is all that about? He has forsaken the splendour of Pandy Park to commentate on wiff – waff tournaments in Bongo Bongo land. All very confusing but each to their own. He was greying at his temples / cheekbones / belly – (it all merged into one) but it was the same unmistakable lilt that soothed many a hangover of a Sunday afternoon between 5.30pm – 6.30pm. This was back in the days when they actually showed the programme at the same time each week and not at a time when only security guards and late night radio DJs are up. Anyway – he took me back down memory lane and its fair to say that the current crop such as Mohammad and that man child who looks like Colin are merely graphite in comparison to this long forgotten diamond of BBC broadcasting. Now will somebody else please add to this cul de sac of social commentary by ripping the shit out of Nigel Starmer-Smith and eulogising the god that is Cliff Morgan”

arse pundits

Above:.......................and then i sneaked into his room. Do you know what? I was this close to getting of with Jonny before security found me..........

Lovechickens HQ gets a hell of a lot of emails (Why not comment on the blydi blog!?!) either moaning or extolling the virtues of commentators and pundits. Not long ago arch moaner King of the Gays wrote this beautiful piece of work

'Butler will have been busy. I expect metaphor, drama, historical reference, hyperbole and square rimmed glasses. And a nice coat and scarf combo. Oh, and misty breath, definitely misty breath. We've had misty forest and muddy playing field, so I think EB is going to be waxing lyrical from a frozen duck pond using a bemused swan to illustrate something vague about serenity on the surface and power beneath. And how to live on Mighty White. Right hand will gesticulate wildly, left hand will remain pocketed. Whole thing will end on a question mark and a raised eyebrow'.

although its a little tongue in cheek, its true, no one does a piece to camera like the Bard-like Butler. He's almost like a posh Fresh Prince of Bel air but white and not cool as fuck or a teenager but he remains an enigma, liked and disliked equally. So does Brian Moore, Butler's 'Jazzy Jeff' to his 'Fresh Prince'. When he was a player everybody not wearing a white shirt thought that he was a complete and utter cock and without a shadow of a doubt, he was but the public school boys of the south and the weird subterrain backwards folk of the north of England loved him. And why not? He reigned supreme in a fanastic English pack, he was never short of a few words to generate a bit of excitement and he never took a step backwards. As a pundit a lot of people do not rate him but at least you get a bit of earthy, solid, honesty from him. His arguments with Eddie are funny and it shows they care. He may look like a scrotum sack with facial features but he knows his stuff - fuck rules - everytime a scrum half feeds Ballsack face Brian should be sent in to sort them out.

From the fucking ugly to the fucking sublime - Jerry Gusgott. Class in the centre and class in the studio even though he looked like a cock a while ago with that scarf. I really enjoy it when you have him, Woody and Jiffy in the studio together. Although I still find it hard thinking Jerry was ever a bricky. ok what about the others - when he first started Jonathan Davies (Jiffy) looked like he had come straight from Chip alley and a night having sick competitions in Kiwis to the studio. I think age must have changed him and he his 'bangs' 'numbers' and 'dummy runners' have become as famous as the large gonked one himself. Andy Nichol - shit.

I didnt like Steve Ryder, he was smug and annoying but compared to John inverdale he was Bill Maclaren. There is something of the Alan Partridge about John, he really grips my shit but you have to give credit where its due that he could turn any conversation from the banking crisis to homosexual monkeys having at it all the time back to Jonny Wilkinson. He mentions him more than i mention him mentioning it and thats a lot. I'd prefer Jason Mohammed or Craig Doyle to front up rather than Inverdale. If both teams havent score 7 tries each by half time in the style of a rampant Fijian sevens side against a young St Kitts and Nevis thirds then he thinks its a shit game and when the whistle goes at the end of 40 minutes it comes back to his sad, glum, shit face in the studio, shrugging his shoulders asking his fucking guests why these two evenly matched well drilled international sides arent running around like demented twats entertaining his shitness in the style that he is accostomed to - the twat (breathe).

anyway thoughts on commentators and pundits although i will add that a few weeks ago i listened to the Scotland France game on the radio - it was fantastic.....

banging on about those crucial numbers by Spen the Viking

Above: Jiffy - Massive Hankey - Crucial

Having just watched the Wales v Scotland game, and the subsequent forum on the Red Button, I find myself once again offering up praise for the sensible, rational and non-partisan commentary/punditry of Jonathan Davies. Sure, Andrew Cotter may have said something very funny when he described a mini-montage of Andy Robinson reactions as "Like Springwatch with rage", but for the most part he has verbal diarrhoea. And to boot he insists on referring to the Lamont brothers as "Lamb'nt", as though he's a member of a secret society sending messages across the airwaves to his co-conspirators. So praise be to Jiffy. For being relied upon not only for multiple uses of the words "Crucial", "Numbers", "Bang" and even one "Dummy runner"; but more so for refusing, Steve Ryder-style, to capitulate to minority 'empowerment' by steadfastly pronouncing Lamont properly. I tell you, if a player had got knocked out and he'd said "Bang! R-r-r-ight on the snoooooze button!" I'd have soiled myself. And then, in the Red Button forum, for standing firm against the opinions of Shane "Charisma Bypass" Williams (who incidentally made a serious wardrobe faux pas by breaching the No Jeans rule) and Andy "I'm not biased" Nichol, who insist Wales will trample all over England at Twickenham.

Alright, they'll probably win, but good old Jiffy's not prone to jingoistic hubris. Oh no, he plays his cards close to his chest, remains circumspect, bridges his fingers in front of his nose and quietly says that the young England side have won two away so let's just wait and see shall we, with a glint in his eye. Good on you Jiffy, my 'mutual' friend. Spen The Viking

Dear Rugby can i have that 80 minutes of life that i wasted yesterday back please

Above: Yesterday's game

I was brought up in a rural area and have been on many farms but I have never seen such a pile of shit as there was on offer in the Stadio Olympico yesterday. The England team were so shit that I nearly felt sorry for them and Italy really worked hard and succeeded in being even shitter. It was like watching two extremely thick, ham fisted people playing bouncy catch with a power ball. Can you imagine sitting in a room with no windows and the noise of Jo Brand reading out the phone book for 24 hours being pumped into it – it was that excruciatingly boring. That game has probably put Italian rugby back about 10 years. Italy was so bereft of ideas that I think the Lovechickens would have won comfortably against them. Now as soon as I say anything negative about the English rugby team I am accused of being biased so I think it important to tell these people to fuck off and grow up before saying that if you were happy with that performance then maybe you should go and support kissball with all the other one eyed people. I don’t know whats wrong with them because they have some great players, I certainly like the look of Foden and I mean that in a rugby way not in a try and finger him at the back of Kiwis way. Farrell did some decent work but they looked as dangerous as my Aunt Jeanie from Narberth. For Welsh fans the bad news is that if England picked a lot randomly selected bingo goers from Lincolnshire for the next game they would be an improvement so this team may even click for the big game at HQ in 2 weeks time.
Above: A young fan receives the news that his dad has got him tickets to the next Italy game
Did you spookily notice that I didn’t put up a blog about the France Ireland game? Well I was playing a game of strip kerplunk with Derek the weatherman on Thursday and he let slip that it was going to be a cold one so I didn’t bother. It must be gutting for those poor supporters who made their way over from Ireland or up from the south west of France but the referee made a brave call which was probably the right one. Todays game was a pretty good one – thoroughly entertaining and of course I enjoyed the win. I cant help feel sorry for Andy Robinson that Scotland don’t get the results – if they had played like that against England they would have slaughtered them but they didn’t so they didn’t. I thought Wales played well but they didn’t have a spring in their step, even when the tries came. Toby played well and so did Cuthbert and Halfpenny, I wouldn’t have minded seeing Roberts look around sometimes and I loved the break in the end. That Hogg played well and looks pretty dangerous and was unlucky not to be awarded his try. The ref was shit and would’ve been better suited to reffing Saturdays ‘game’.

Nice to see that massive twat John Inverdale managed to get a mention of Jonny Wilkinson out on Saturday when he mentioned that Ireland could not take on France next week because Stade Francais were playing against him...just him at the Stade de France, i wonder if he makes Mrs Inverdale wear a Jonny mask when they have snuggles with jimmy penetration?

So now we wait to see what will happen to the Ireland france game and look forward to Wales England, France Scotland and Italy Ireland – triple crown game – excited?

My view from Uncle Fester

Above: With Tory cuts a real fear Dyfed Powys' number 1 copper looks forward to his first day as its armed response unit

Dear Lovechickens

Is it me but has there been a Stalinesque state secret in this once great land of ours. Yes we are used to the cult of personality that lasted for 50 plus years in the urals in that SHANE is now everywhere! I appreciate that in 30 years time Arabs will be pulling down the giant statue to the great man erected by the Pick and Shovel in Ammanford and hitting him with their flip flops but has there been a nuclear leak in this country of Chernobyl proportions to produce a back line which most american football defensive lines would be proud.

It is clear that these men are nearly as big as Geoff Wheel which in itself is slightly concerning!! Now I appreciate that George "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" North is the Dr Bruce Banner of Llangefni thanks to a gamma ray experiment gone wrong in the only place of employment up there namely the Sidoli Ice Cream factory however Alex Cuthbert is bigger and also transforms into a giant green-skinned hulk whenever his pulse rate gets too high and somebody in the crowd offers him a cucumber sandwich - without crusts of course.

I for one believe that we need to return to the halycon days of Welsh threequarter wing play - no not Davies, Rees, Williams and Evans but quality players like Arthur "What a handy Cross Kick" Emyr, Alan " What the fuck are you doing with your hands, well actually what the fuck are you doing full stop" Edmunds and who can forget Roy "Steam Train" Mathias - look him up one cap v France in 1970 but runs a shit hot pub in St. Helens, Lancs. Sorry for the Rant - C3PO's Bald Mate - aka Fester, aka Gregster...... ps. I'm with you as I also feel the Greasers will beat the limeys and we may balls it against polite skirt wearers!

drape your jumpers around your shoulders, finish your ice creams and toot the horns of your cars - the Italians are going for the win

Above: Silvio - hey Englishmen - we will defeat you, hey who's that with you? your wife? can i have her? what about your daughter? come back to mine for some bunga bunga but be quiet my mother will be asleep.....

Italy v England – a fixture usually so boring it is akin to Fat Mike talking about the fight that happened between Senghenydd and Risca in division 42 south east B in 2007 for an hour and a half or Gavin Hastings commentating on that actual game- but not this time – no way Hose….

An England team, young and barely recognisable outside their own houses, off the back of a win albeit against a Scottish side with the attacking flair of a quaker (think about it) but up for the challenge. Unchanged but blending the experience of Hodgson (snigger) and Foden with some great prospects this English team could deliver the goods. An Italian side ram packed with caps and not too little talent. The talent is spread too thin but they always pull a performance out of the bag and I don’t think they have had a better time to beat the English. More than double the support they receive at the Stadio Flaminio, full of fizz from Parrisse’s team talk and what is the longest and most exciting national anthems in the world (especially now since Tangisubikstan has changed its anthem from the 12’ version of ‘the only way is up’ by Yazz and the plastic population to ‘God save Tangisubikstan’) the Italians may be too hot to handle.

For once this game may actually down to tactics, I’ve been wrong about nearly every game so far but I still pick Italy to win.

R E S P E C T

Above: Gavin Henson dresses down after a hard days training

From the musings on TV and tweets and general impressions collected my me and the rest of the Lovechickens, Wales need only turn up at half time on Sunday and still come out as winners against the Jockinese. In fact I have heard that Wales have made 15 changes from last week, so confident they are of giving the skirt wearers a hammering and that they have named TV weatherman Derek Brockway as pack leader and have preferred the Celtic guile of Hi-de-hi’s Gladys Pugh rather than stoic Huw Edwards at fly half. Of course to keep the media interested they have named Gavin Henson in the team but he has stated that he will only play if he is allowed to dress like one of the girls on strictly come dancing. He is the only player who has been sponsored by Claire’s accessories and will be the first player in the modern game to wear lots of glitter.

Sorry didn’t know where that all came from. But seriously I don’t think this comes from the Welsh squad but we in Wales seem to be talking about grand slams and Dafydd Jones on last nights Scrum V was only a moments away from saying Wales by 126 points against Scotland every time Ross stuck a microphone under his chin. Lets show a bit of respect, yes we can win and yes we can win well but this is the 6 nations and anything can happen…….

i know its late but i have been hungover..i mean tired

For 10 minutes I thought that France Italy may actually be a game, with the Italians making the hard yards and causing trouble but they need a fly half with a bit of an edge. Kris Burton while looking like the Thing from the Fanatastic Four and having a bit of a peg on him really hasn’t got enough tactical nous. The French looked good with Pikachu Picamoles playing a great game and Rougerie was also fantastic. I did notice a lot of Italians in the crowd and have spoken before in the increase of the tight jeaned, willy touching ones over in Cardiff. Like people from Carmarthenshire they also wear white daps out on the piss but the difference is the Italians are not wearing the same ones they bought in 1989 and theirs cost more than a fiver.

Scotland England – too be honest I have turned into such a shandy arse that I was getting a little drunk by the time this kicked off so I thought it was a pretty easy game to watch but it shows how drunk I was when I was reliably informed by fellow Lovechicken and Chairman of the Aber Baa Baas that the game was in fact – a load of shit. I was going to have a little moan about Dan Parks later but I thought they had no attacking flair and England handled the pressure well. Owen Farrell looked the part…do you know what that really is all I can remember it was only an hour later that I was crying my eyes out for no reason and then watching Morgatron spu through his hands with spray hitting strangers and his friends alike – he was like a giant sick sprinkler.

The final game was a magnificent game – not my words the words of a lot of other non Irish people. Could Wales really complain if Ireland had of won that though? I thought O Connel was everywhere and Kearney was great in the air but in the end tinker passion was thoroughly thwarted by sheepshagging authority. A hell of a lot of Welsh players impressed but Rhys Priestland, kicking aside, really does put players in great positions and those players now have the tactical awareness to actually be there. Shit stirrer extrordinaire Mike Phillips was awesome , he really is a bossy little…..big fucker and you can tell he doesn’t like the Irish. Sometimes I would like him to consider taking one or no steps before passing rather than his customary 23. Bradley Davies should have been sent off for that tackle – no doubts in my mind and that was because I wasn’t drunk, I was trying to concentrate my mind not to be sick in my mouth or to stop my hands from shaking from the mother of all hangovers. One thing that pissed me off was the amount of time Barnes the ref gave for advantage, I bet the Irish are hoping they have him next week in France so he can finish off the advantage that they are still playing for the 65th minute in Ireland.

So what have we learned from this weekend. Wales and France are an attacking force, Ireland aren’t that far behind but are missing Bod. England are starting to get some pride and dog back and Scotland once they get rid of Parks could get better. Italy had flashes but remain pretty crap, I cant drink anymore, dont stand behind Morgan when he’s drinking whisky and don’t stand too close to the wall when you are having a wee.

I will say it again so you can take the piss out of me next week but Italy might do a job on England next week but then again I thought Scotland and Ireland might win so best I just shut it. Next weekend a few chickens will be watching the games in Aberystwyth on Richie Morris stag. Many of his friends are from St Davids so going to Aber is like going on a big city break – they also think that a bitter top is a cocktail.

I'll put a monkey on Medard scoring - £500? no i want to put an actual monkey on it

got a few quid to spare? - Jez Phillips the clubs own amateur booky gives some tips
Above: Poor JPR Williams all those high tackles really did take their toll in the end
France v Italy
France to win comfortably, 20points+ with Dusautoir a brilliant shout for an anytime try scorer.

Scotland v England.
Scotland will WIN. No doubt in my mind that the Scots can do it this time and why not chuck a quid on their captain, Ford, to score.

Ireland v Wales
Wales.. We're better than them, End of. Wales have been given a 5 point start at the bookies, that's money in your pocket.. I'd put my mortgage on it (if I had one that is). Faletau first try scorer at 25/1 is always worth a quid.

France v Ireland
After a shocking start to the campaign I don't think life will get any easier for Ireland.. France to win by 6 and that man Dusautoir to score again, perhaps worth having a flutter on hime to score in every game!?!?

Italy v England
England to win.. Errrr.

Wales v Scotland
Wales will win this game by 10 points

6 nations the return part 2

Above: Paul O Connell has picture taken before he goes out nicking lead off church rooves

So we skip over to the Emerald isle to the land of the half built houses and the stupidly expensive drinks. Everybody wants to talk about Brian and yes he is a big loss but Ireland need to get used to life without him and by being enforced this makes it easier. The new Brian wouldn’t be allowed to make a mistake or have half a bad game without being hauled off ala Sexton. Can the Irish put their amazing dominance of the Heineken cup up to scrutiny of the real deal 6 nations? The first game is going to be a humdinger and whoever wins will really set their stall out for the competition the question is can Wales do it and I can answer that with a definite I don’t have a fucking clue.

Wales will have to be at tippy top level to beat the Irish at home, especially with injuries and the Irish out for a bit of vengeance for that illegal try last year and their humiliating tumpfing in the world cup. What will Wales produce this year though? Where are they going to fit in Hook? The backs are still looking classy and we now have a much more aggressive second row with Evans coming in but will we be able to close out teams. Scoring tries doesn’t seem to be a problem, getting kicks over is and stopping the other fuckers scoring more than us is an even bigger one. Baby faced assassins North, Priestland and Halfpenny are ones to watch.
Above: awww bless don't put Rhys, George and Leigh in the nasty freeze chamber
I don’t know why I ended up with Scotland last maybe it’s because I am not expecting much from them. I am sure a lot of people only watch Scotland games hoping to catch a glimpse of Andy Robinson in the coach’s box stomping around, pacing and getting angrier and angrier until he finally explodes throwing blood, crap and jizz everywhere. They played well in the World cup and STILL lost to England and still failed to put away teams like Uzbekistan. Yes they have a smaller pool of players to choose from but in the end they have got a pool of players, who get paid money to play rugby and are coached by a great coach – excuses have to stop and they have to perform. Maybe its time to get some of the money they spend on fireworks, pipers and a cast of thousands acting out scenes from Bannockburn and Taggart and put it into player development teams – Glasgow and Edinburgh are starting to get results and now its Scotland’s turn….although they have picked Dan Parks who only has 2 sorts of games amazing and absolutely fucking dire.

So there it is. We have our moans and our attacks on the other teams but that is what the 6 nations are about. The build up is always amazing and the banter even better. Its time to get a few beers down your necks, talk about your nations shittest XV, its time to bring out and dust down the old drinking stories and get in touch with your mates, its time to pick Chris Ashton for your fantasy rugby team only to watch him play like a cock but most of all its about rugby, fucking good rugby.

predictions predictions predictions

Above: Is Chris Ashton a Capricorn? No he's a twat

now that the Rooster has asked for just predictions rather than scores - Mystic Megs everywhere have been sending in their musings - some have gone a little further showing nostradamic details - i have included a few here.

The first is from fireman Rhys Bach. This bloke was bitten by a radioactive handsome person as a child and turned into a super handsome being with a body that wouldnt look out of place in a hollyoaks calendar - unfortunately he abused these powers and used them for evil by not trying to get off with every bird in the world and shagging loads of them. People got pissed off with Barry John for retiring at 27 but the world....well the female world is a sadder place without Rhys' willy not in it.

predictions

France v Italy
This will be close.i think France will have a bad start to tournament and pressure of being world cup finalists at home will crack them,and the Italians with Andreas from Uni in the crowd will take it right to the hilt.last 10 mins France will stretch the lead by a few scores and beat them with a decent margin but it will not reflect the game.

Scotland England.
Bored. England will win by putting Scotland and the crowd into a trance.

Ireland v Wales
Now we're talking. Ireland will not lose at home. BUT...they ate favourites and Wales make great underdogs,and on the back of their world cup,Wales will be victorious.i will actually predict a 17-12 score to Wales.only kicking can let Wales down.

France v Ireland
France win this one,but again,close game.irelands heads will drop.

Italy v England
England win,but close shave, 2-3 point margin

Wales v Scotland
Wales will have a confident win but won't play the best rugby,a wins a win.backs will slice through all the time.


The second prediction is from one of our old heroes of this blog - high pitched ginger lummocks Fuzzy. A person so ginger and so high pitched many people take him for a beautiful exotic bird. walks and sounds a bit like C3PO.

Here it is
Scotland v England – dirty haggis noshing, pro ginger, irn bru quaffing sweaties to hoodwink boring dwarf cannodling Saxons, exposing new management and new caps I’ve never heard of’s naiveté.

Ireland v Wales – big top victory. Peg peddling, small handed, caravan dwelling banshees will burst Wales’ bubble – if Wales were home or they could bring back Bob Norster to win some ball they might have scraped a win but there is bob hope of doing it out there without King Bob.

Italy v France – a cheese eating, other mans wife haranguing, horseshit smoking, winon peddling, soap dodging, bycicle riding, CV driving, port blockading victory. With the piglet now at the helm and his mental predecessor off the scene probably bathing in his own shit or something equally bizzare – its going to be a Cachu Pot grand slam year me thinks.

Anyhoo – I’m sure it will all be much fun – other than the fact that BBC have ruined it with its Sunday fixtures – fucking nonsense

vive le.....well not much difference...

Above: Zut alors je suis tres lazy et un complete cock mais du temps en temps je suis a rugby playing god (shrug)
The French are a weird lot aren’t they. Bent by Tonga, nearly beaten by a 14 man Wales in a semi and then play so well in the final that they nearly win. News from the camp was that Leivremental was as popular as finding out that you’d booked Gary Glitter the clown for your kids birthday party. Now we see that they have kept 12 of the side from the world cup squad with the uncapped Wesley Fofana coming in for a start against Italy. This team smacks of continuity for the win rather than a team for the future seeing that the youngest of the front 5 is the prop Debaty. Has Nallet the touch of Simon Shaw of him with no Frenchmen pushing - if yes then he will be around 40 for the next world cup. The reason I think is that Sant Andre will leave building to be a continuous plan and the most important thing for this 6 nations will be to win and to do that you don’t leave out grizzled vets like Nallet, Harinordoquy, Pape, Servat and Mas. Sorry I have read this back and realised I have been writing about the French and have forgotten to comment on wondering what team will turn up………

he's not delon Armitage - he's a very naughty boy!!

Above: see the club thing wasnt an isolated event - he's high tackling in this picture - boo!!

Thank you Delon - just when Leivremental had fucked off and Gavin Henson had ran out of stupid things to do you come along and make things right again. Instead of Welsh players going out on a massive shant while training for an international tournament Delon does and now is dropped from the Saxons after getting into an altercation in a club in Exeter. If we are being honest its probably a bit of naughty fisticuffs and the victim was a footballer who went down because Delon looked in his direction.

Above: Delon and his 'crew' before they went out on the rob during the London riots - boo!!

Other news is that unknown English coach Lancaster is so fed up of being unknown that he has selected the new English captain..............sri about the wait but i have had to ggogle it - i have heard his name is......Tim? Tom? Tom Robinson? oh Chris Robshaw who plays rugby for some club or other who is even more unknown than him. Lancaster has named Mr John Smith as his backs coach and some bloke he met down the pub last week as defence.

above: Delon Armitage head butting. boo!!!

6 nations the return part 1

Its time to lay down your rock solid socks, throw away the tissues of shame and fold up those posters of Jessica Alba or June whitfield when she was really young because the 6 nations are back.

Ok I am excited – surely the 6 nations after a world cup is the most fun. January has nearly finished and I am sure we can say a joint ‘thank fuck for that’ but now is the time. Squads are getting picked and are settling in, discussions over game selection and prospects in upcoming matches will bring a twinge to even the most flaccid of jimmies (meaning penises or peni not Scottish people). Next week is the start and I cannot wait!

But what sort of 6 nations are ahead of us? We are well into a period of rugby history where squads and plans are built around success at world cups so therefore this is the start, the beginning of an adventure that will end in the lifting of the Web Ellis cup at Eton…I mean Twickers in 2016. A beginning definitely for England, France, Italy and Ireland. England are sneaking under the radar a bit. Lancaster may not be tested at International level but he seems to be bringing a bit of earthy honesty to an English team that during the world cup displayed an arrogance and twatness that made Will Carling seem like a down to earth working class hero. We Welsh need a cocky English side, it gives the games a bit more an edge, and it’s the rivalry we want. The world cup English team were akin to an embarrassing old drunken uncle at a family wedding who used to be a great lad crying in the corner having just shit his pants. England always have the players now it comes down to selection. As a Welshman I am gutted that they haven’t stuck with Shontayne ‘ed milliband in looks and talent’ Hape – he was so shit he could have made Arthur Emyr's drop goal look good. So now we have an England team on the cusp of renewal and that can only benefit the English and rugby in general.

And whilst chatting about renewal and change we move on the Froggy cach pots. The blog went into mourning once the world cup had ended when I realised Leivremental was leaving to run a pig farm in Saudi Arabia. I just didn’t have anybody to write about anymore but that was all sorted once Gatland picked Henson for Wales. Gavin has only played 80 more minutes of international rugby than me since March 2009 and is probably at this very moment trying to get onto celebrity masterchef or celebrity one man and his dog rather than thinking about rugby. Anyhoo the French. Many people might not agree but Philippe Sant André is ace and is respected as much as the French respect anything but not as much as burning life stock in a port, striking and the jaunt of a beret or a shrug of a shoulder. If things click I think its championship time for them, I’m looking forward to seeing what comes up. Italy also has a new coach and now is the time for them to move forward from the nearly misses. Its not going to happen this year but The Rooster has been over to Italy in the last month and can reveal that they have already sold over 52000 tickets for the England match which shows that maybe after 12 years the arse grabbing, living at home with their mothers, tight jean wearing show offs are starting to fall in love with the real beautiful game. After their defeat of France last year can they repeat that display against the English?