self destruct of the Welsh rugby team in 5....4.....3

For fucks sake…..maybe this should be a blog dedicated to rugby star indiscretions and out and out fuck ups. This week in the lead up to 7th ever rugby World Cup, an event which brings the best sport in the world (other than Monkey knife fighting and giant pub jenga) back to the mother ship that is New Zealand, a World cup so important that Wales, for the first time, has managed to keep the same coach in preparation, a World cup so important to Wales because last time we failed to reach the quarterfinals, a world cup that maybe, just maybe we have a chance to reach the heights we have the ability to reach and Gavin Henson, the son of prophecy a man so good that even if he’d lost his hand in some sort of light sabre accident after an argument with his father would still have people clamouring for his appearance in the shirt of his country, has announced that he is fully focussed on the tournament ahead and that other than his kids who he left in a flash to head off to France, THIS tournament, The World cup no less is his priority………..er….no….The most muscled oompa loompa outside Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory is spending his time announcing that he is appearing as ‘the Bachelor’ the British version of the US hit.

FOR FUCKS SAKE, what is wrong with him? I stated that Rocky was a little retarded in the last blog – he seems like Professor Steven bloody Hawkins compared to Henson. It’s on bloody Channel 5!! What next, Gavin climbing up a tree, traversing over a washing line to steal some nuts from a bird feeder so he can try and get on ‘animals do the funniest things’! The human budgie is so fame hungry but doesn’t he realise he can get that from playing well in one of the biggest sporting events in the world?

Anyway I’d never heard of the bachelor until reading this in the news. It seems loads of birds compete by a series of group and one to one dates and the winner, picked by big Gav will be his missus. He plays rugby for Wales for fuck sake, that’s what happens in Cardiff on a Saturday night anyway. What a shit concept, you know your not going to spend the rest of your life with this vacuous bint so why not pick the smartest with the biggest tits, pick her, shag her and then she can move onto the X factor and if your Gav, you can move onto something equally moronic. He is saying that he is looking for the one but is that because that’s the highest number he can count up to? Above: After half an hour of her internet flirting date with Gavin, Jenny gives up when he phones up to ask how to turn the computer on
Angry man who needs a wank, Mike Phillips has also ended up in the shit after kicking off with bouncers outside McDonalds. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO EVERBODY??? What next? Warren Gatland and Adam Jones being caught after their ‘knock and run’ campaign brought chaos to a street in Kenfig Hill, Lee Byrne and Shane Williams being caught in Cardiff at lunchtime without a note or even mongadon Andy Powell being caught stealing a golf buggy and driving it the wrong way up………..oh wait………Phillips has been suspended now but I’d be more embarrassed that I’d been bended by two bouncers in a fast food place.
Above: In August George North is caught trying to break into Derek the Weathermans house to piss on his cats...
This isn’t happening to other teams, I bet the English are all tucked, snugly warms in the dorms at Hogwarts by 9 o clock after training for 12 hours, sent off to sleep with the reading of Jonny Wilkinson’s book read by Jonny Wilkinson with the Under 20’s English side preparing the grown ups boots for the next day. I take the piss but they seem to know how important this is, why cant Wales?

When two tribes go to war

Above: USA! USA! slightly retarded American hero shows his colours and acting talents

Forget England v Scotland, forget Australia v Ireland and forget South Africa v Wales this game is the one the world is waiting for – a grudge match from 1918. This is revenge for Apollo Creed, this is payback for the Bay of Pigs, This is Reagan v Gorbachev, capitalist v communist, this is Belushi v Schwarzenegger in red heat this is

USA v Russia
I know we are a long way away from American paranoia and reds under the bed and Russians queuing up for 5 years so they could get the wrapping of a Big Mac in exchange for their daughters Natasha and Nikita, but growing up in the 70s and 80s – this was the big one. It’s strange to think that it wasn’t until super actor Ronnie Reagan stared the commies down and called their bluff that everybody thought that the yanks were the underdogs in the cold war – everyone was shitting themselves as the Russians threw themselves into competing in the space race, the arms race and most sports of the world….er…race, little did we realise that they were all a bunch of malnourished, poor, huge piss heads and they were winning the space race by sending their cosmonauts up to space by giant elastic band.

Above: Pissed on shit vodka and tired from shagging his sister, cosmonaut Boris prepares for blast off

US paranoia obviously has moved on from those damned russkies and onto the threat of a free health care system which obviously is much scarier. They also don’t like the Muslims and so it seems neither do we which seems ironic because we love to arm them for lots of their money, train their troops so they can kill us better and invest lots of money draining their resources. In 400 years time when we have bled them dry – we will be back in charge so ha! Its also funny that even in the late 80s the US believed the Soviets to be so advanced that in the reality TV documentary ‘Rocky IV’ the fighter from the richest country, Rocky, was training in a shack and running through the snow in a sack while the bankrupt soviet fighter named Ivan (quelle surprise) was in a more high tech gym then there are available even now, 25 years later.

Enough of that though – this is it – American eagle v Russian Bear. Even though the Russians are going to be coached by Wales’ Kingsley Jones and he is indeed in a Graham Henry styley searching every rugby club in both hemispheres for anybody with a blonde flat top called Ivan (quelle surprise), its got to be a class win for the yanks. There game is improving, in the next 20 years things will change – they are starting to appreciate 7s (even though 7s is the draughts of chess) and with their resources, increased rugby scholarships and some of the best athletes in the world they will start making a difference. Above: 'Not all Americans are fat' states Brad Kentuckyderby IV after winning USA's slimmer of the year
It wont be long before they change all the rules, call it a different game which foreigners don’t understand and then call it the world series.

what the fu.....World cup times

Just checking the UK times for the World cup – these really are going to be all dayers of biblical proportion.

Welsh, English and Irish supporters latest games are at 0930 but there is only one of those. The poor sweaty socks (jocks) from the frozen north have their latest game on at bloody half eight although that’s when they normally go out drinking cheap whisky and eating lard.

Above: Come on Pete, open University is about to finish and kick offs in five minutes!
Thing is, before long it wont be long til the WRU think they can make more money holding games at half three in the morning and make all the Welsh games be played at that time on a Tuesday.

I cant believe I have to get up at 0430 in the morning to watch our 4 yearly humiliation at the hands of Samoa, a country no bigger than Pete Devs farm and whose population could fit in……I don’t fucking know………the inside of a big fuck off bus or on one of Jerry Collins calf muscles.

It was hard enough watching the games in the pub during the Lions, can you imagine knocking on the door of the Tavistock at half four in the morning? We would be in Kiwis by lunchtime…are kebab shops or Indians open that time…..

Ah well this is what the yanks have to put up with every Six nations so like them we should just man up and get on with it. At least it will be dark when we go into the pubs…….

bloody summer

Above: Boo summer! Isn't cricket and Baseball just Rounders for people who like statistics

I don’t know but as much as I love sunny weather, girls with hardly anything on and cider in beer gardens I just miss winter sports in the summer. I am not much of a kiss ball follower but I do like to see who has beaten who and also to see which one of these over paid over grown rapists has scored.

There is something very reassuring about reading soccer and rugby results in the Sunday papers or looking on tele text during the week. Summer just means cricket and even if you actually follow a team you don’t really give a flying fuck about any of the others. When it comes to rugby it means sending a depleted Welsh team down to the southern hemisphere where we play a team that we can’t beat with a full team in front of a full house at home. We get fucking tumfed. We come back and say we have learnt a lot, just in time to be bummed by the same team in the autumn.

Above: Yay summer! Scientific fact fm the Lovechickens school of birds and stuff says that women are more likely to get off with you if you are blind drunk, slightly over weight and continuously show off your arse

I am sure I have already said this but coach after coach believes that us playing the top sides month after month and year after year will mean that we will get better and have a better chance of beating them – well I say how long until we do? We have only beaten the All blacks 3 times in our history and that was when we played them every few years – where is the proof? Also by the time we actually beat them – no one will actually give a fuck the way the sport in Wales is haemorrhaging supporters.

Above: Boo summer. It is big but probably not clever - Is she washing that 4 x 4 or making it softer so she can eat it

This summer we have the warm ups and another chance to see the best Welsh teams get absolutely tuned by a second string English team. The bad news is this year they will be able to do it twice. I don’t know what happens to us with World cup warm ups and England – they just seem hungrier than us to win.

Ah well at least with all these warm ups like Wales England, Canada Russia, USA Tonga and the annual yawn fest that is the tri-nations where Australia, New Zealand and South Africa play each other twice a day for 7 weeks, home and away and also in Hong Kong, Dubai, Mongolia and Sunderland, we will have something to look at on teletext. Not long til I start my World cup guide and remember you can always contribute to the blog unless you’re shit at writing or disagree with things I say…only joking (my writing is crayonesque and I don’t always agree with myself)….get in touch if you do. So until next time – fuck off x