news just in

2 English coaches have been knuckle wrapped today. God like boretron Jonny Wilkinson was missing his kicks against rugby giants Romania and decided that it was not his legs fault but the balls. In light of this the RFU have put in a request for the Scotland match. They are as followed

In case England do not score any points the Scotland team have been told that they are only allowed to select one of two people chosen in advance by Prince Harry. One is Macdonald Murdock wee Jock McPlop plop a 63 year old alcoholic from Glasgow or Dan Parks.

Mr Parks or Mr McPlop plop, whoever is selected, will only be allowed to play in white daps and mittens and will only be allowed to touch the ball twice before having to pass it back to Johnnos team for their turn.

In case England can’t get their kicks they have requested to change the size of the posts – they will now stretch the width of the pitch and the bar will be lowered to 3 foot. If Jonny doesn’t get it over he is allowed another 15 attempts and if after this amount he still hasn’t scored he will then be awarded 1 point for being an ace misser.

If Mr Parks and Mr McPlop plop are good at scrummaging the referee, Mr Lawrence Dallaglio will then move to passive scrums and will penalise the Scot for feeding.

The English team to be awarded points for coming on the pitch ala fantasy rugby.

The English team to be awarded the World cup on Friday just in case one of the other teams score more points than them in a game in the future

i was wrong - now stop keeping on

Above: Nick Mullins 'Jonny Wikinsonson Jonny Wilkinson Jonny Wilkinson jonny JONNY JONNY JONNY ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH Bang.......................'

No sooner had I extolled the presentation skills of ITV then Nick Mullins comes along and spoils everything. England had a good victory on the weekend but lets be honest it was only Romania. Mullins reacted as if he’d won first prize in the ‘get to finger Jessica Alba more than once’ competition. If England actually makes it to the final he will explode and Phil Vickery will be sat there covered in Mullins jizz and shit.

Back to the rugby jobs done for Wales, Ireland and England against lower tier sides. Job not fucking done for the Scots who went AWOL for a few minutes and in that time the Argentineans undid their zips, lobbed out their Jimmys and pissed over the Scots chips…..with battered mars bar. It was a shame but it has given the world cup a hell of a final weekend. There can’t have been a world cup like it – because some of the so called lower teams have put up a fight and there have been some weird results we go into the last weekend with things becoming interesting. Ireland has beaten Australia, the result of the tournament so far but they still have the Italians to go. Most people would say not a hope to the shit driving women botherers but isn’t that what they said to the Irish before becoming the wizards over Oz (geddit). Italy have silently gotten better as the tournament progresses and we all know they can really get going for one off games. They are not the favourites for this match but if they get going then Irish rickers will be twitching.

What about England – a shoe in, yes they played poor in patches but their momentum has been building. But now we have a desperate Scotland who have to win this to go through and we have Argentina waiting at the wings. England should do this but hey this is rugby and this is the world cup.

Wales, yes we were unlucky to lose to South Africa but we were lucky to beat Samoa. The possible outcomes are akin to the number of times Morgan has fallen asleep on dance floors throughout Christendom. Yes Fiji haven’t been on top form but they hardly set the world on fire 4 years ago where they tore us to shreds and knocked us out. Samoa haven’t played badly yet and lest we forget the victory against Australia a few months ago. If South Africa don’t do the business then….well I can hardly say it.

These are big fuck off games and we haven’t even started with the quarter finals yet
Let’s get it on

observations

Above: How surprised would we really be if L'mental had picked Pikachu instead of Picamoles in the back row?

What the fuck are the kiwis moaning about? Lievremental has made dodgy selection choices and statements in the past but putting a world class performer like Morgan Parra at fly half when he played so well there before I don’t think is one of them. The other is the leaving out of Harinorduquy who is playing below his best in place of an inform player like Picamoles who sounds like a pokemon character. The Kiwi press should suck it up and grow up. This is still a good French side with the likes of Dusuatoir, Bonnaire, Clerc, Traille, Nallet. It seems the expectation of a New Zealand world cup win isn’t only pressurising the players.

Ok ITV – I have something to admit. I actually liked some of the commentary with Nick Mullins and Phil Vickery……I actually appreciated what Vickery was saying and I enjoyed the banter. Another thing – I enjoy listening to Pienaar and Fitzpatrick – they are great and I better write this before I start head banging the wall, making a strange noise and eating my own shit but the host – Craig Doyle is fantastic. Listen to him and he actually is a rugby fan…maybe I am wrong and normal knobby, Wilkinson centred, kissball centred shite may resume but lets give credit where credit us due.

South Africa looked impressive against minnows Namibia who were blowing out of their arse by the end of it. Yes it was Namibia but many big sides would have let up but the Boks looked hungry. This weekend, of course I am looking forward to the Kiwis v the Froggy cach pots but I think the game I am especially excited about is Fiji/Samoa closely followed by Scotland/Argentina. They are going to be crackers although I can’t believe that Scotland left out Ansbro – he is pretty good.

Noticed Percy Montgomery giving out the water for South Africa – no wonder they played well with that handsome twat dishing out the mini pep talks – we have Neil Jenkins who has to be included in the Welsh team otherwise we are below our ginger quota now that Martyn Williams has sadly been left out.

Above: he could fucking eat you..Samoan Maurie Fa'asavalu
Just a final thing that I want to mention about the Wales Samoa match was how baby faced some of the Welsh players looked like in comparison to the islanders – i have to admit I shit myself a bit as I was there on my sofa in the wee early hours dressed in my pinkish red Welsh top, jimmy jam bottoms with a cup of tea….with that image I leave you happy and slightly turned on….

Above: North and Halfpenny really do enjoy sprint training

Below: Rhys Priestland.....awww

Sunday bloody Sunday and Ashton bloody Ashton

Above: A very tired looking Snakey Sheldon and Emily Bishop await the nod from the ref to alight the subs bench

What is wrong with Ashton? I give him yet another chance to redeem himself after spoiling my 6 nations and fantasy rugby game by including him yet again in my inner sanctum of fun and the squat faced twat runs in only 2 good tries……its Georgia! He could’ve had 5 or 6 – knob. Also, in another spate of making me look like a cock Ed Miliband lookalike American Black persons name Hape also gets on the score board. Well done to both. England were much better than they were in the first game but then again if Johnson had made 13 changes and 12 of them included some of the older cast of Coronation Street they would not have played any worse. Sure mistakes were made and the penalty count was crazy but they got there and that’s what matters – they are 2 from 2. Flood had a steady game but I don’t think he did enough to push his case ahead of Jonny. The commentator didn’t mention him 387 times but did piss me off by talking about gazillionaires kissball team Chelsea. This is a rugby world cup – fuck off –we hear about your sport all the time – give us this you wankers.

Wales seem hellbent on giving me a heart attack. Why can’t they make things a little easier on us sometimes. I thought I would get up at 0430, sneaking downstairs for a midnight feast like small child, watch the game where we came good in the last half hour and then off up the stairs to Bedfordshire to gain a valuable 40 winks. Instead they fucked around like kids playing chase with a bag chock full of dog shit, being out played by the country the size of the British Legion in Bristol so by the time Iit had finished my heart was going so fast that I thought I had brushed my teeth with whizz. I thought the Samoans played with passion and in the second half were so much better than us. I would have rather Warren had brought on Edwards Scissorhands then Andy Powell who must have got his hands and his chest the wrong way around as he spent the whole match trying to catch the ball with the latter. He made a couple of good tackles but the rest of time wandered around like a lost special needs kid in the big Tescos in Haverfordwest. I am gutted about Hook and Dan Lydiate, they are great players and as I write this do not know how serious their injuries are. However I feel I am being too tough on the boys, Warburton was great and I think the game suited Phillips although I do get fed up of people taking the ball from the bottom of our ruck while our players stand around gawping as if they were in that place in Amsterdam where you used to pay 2 guilders to watch a man dressed as Batman and 2 women get it in on like Donkey Kong. Anyway I thought Halfpenny was good when he came on and George North continues to impress although he did that ‘get the ball, jump up and down but go nowhere thing’ that was shit. Lets hope we rip loose against Namibia and put some points on – I don’t know about Fiji – we’ll probably win by 2 points against Namibia and hammer the islanders – Wales are the new French or as they say in Tondu – the les Nouveau Francais………

jizmongous - another blog - this time fm Spen the Viking

Above: Todd Clever always gets mixed up with Michael bolton when theyre out playing bingo

One of the things that's been intriguing me about the RWC so far is the amusing array of shit hair styles on display.

Once upon a time, we had to rely on Paul Griffin or the Wales team for ridiculous facial adornments and shit haircuts; but in this World Cup we have been gifted with a plethora of comedy hirsuteness.

We have, on one American flank the Michael Bolton-esque locks of Todd Clever, and on the other, the tribute to 1980s Germanity that is the mullet and shitty blond moustache of Louis Stanfill.

The Canadian forwards have brought the 19th Century fur-trapper look with them to New Zealand, while their backs have revived the 'Sick Boy from Trainspotting' late 1990s peroxide job.

Even Ma'a Nonu appears to have just got back from his holidays in Thaliraki, judging by the multicoloured braids that have been added to his normally Predator-style dreads.

In fact, the one notable omission from the Rugby World Cup of hairyness, is the very welcome disappearance of John Kirwan's stupid little lump of beard from underneath his bottom lip. Good riddance.

So which, if any, coifferie faux pas have tickled your funny bone so far?

Spen (The Viking)

anything Wales can do Ireland can do better...mumble grumble mumble

Above: Stephen and Terence have been booked for Englands next game preparation, lets hope that Ashton doesnt try to get off with them rather than throw them - he would, he's like that and i heard once that he killed a puppy and a fairy...and justin bieber
Well I crawled from my sick bed to watch this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Ireland showed Wales what they needed to do to match and then beat one of the top three. Yes Ireland continue to moan at the referee more than I moaned last week when I found my fifth silver pube but so what? Martin Johnson got to win a world cup by doing it. Maybe I am just jealous. This is a great world cup, in years gone past Wales would have put a shit side out against South Africa just hoping to beat the others. Ireland may have done the same. This time England are in a hard group of three and even the others are showing their metal – look at Georgia and Romania competing with Scotland – this is excellent news. Wales play Samoa and Fiji and if either of the 2 island teams win it won’t be an unbelievable shock. Anyway back to today, Australia looked a little shell shocked and Ireland did give it to them – I still think that the weird cabbage patch kid lookalike Beale was amazing and with O Brien the best players on the pitch.

It seems that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and England are now copying Wales by going on huge seshes in the middle of competitions. 2 positives for England. While Wales’ indiscretions all involve either stealing shit or getting duffed up by people in Burgerking, at least England’s shenanigans involved dwarves and blonde birds with big tits. The other positive was Martin Johnsons reaction ‘rugby players go out and drink beer shocker’ he said at the press conference or something like that. It may come back to bite him on the arse if they under perform but I think it was a reaction to the non rugby press and the non rugby world to fuck off.

So for Welsh people tomorrow we have to get up at stupid a clock just to shit ourselves for a few hours…….i just hope we play well

Fat mike predicted that New Zealand would score against 82 points against the Japs rather than the 83 they did..i don’t do shout outs and congratulations usually…so I wont bother starting now….enjoy mo fos

my views from Phil umbungo umbongo they drink it in the congo

First of all thank you for giving the kiss of death to wunderkind Ashton!

What a weekend! All the big boys played like Woodhouse Weasels on a particularly bad day with the exception that at the last minute they pulled some magic out of their arses and actually won!

I was hoping for a Japanese win over les bleurghs just to teach them a lesson. I had to miss the last bit of the game to go and give my grandson his first England rugby shirt and sit and watch the England game with him. (he is rubbish at necking cans when Johnny misses kicks but then he is only nine months old. At least he doesn't start a fight in a Cypriot disco when I am about to go home with the winner of Miss Sexiest Swedish Tourist (Worldwide))

Anyway, off I go with Japan sticking it right up them and only a couple of points in it. Easily doable I think only to find out the dirty cheating cheese eating surrender monkeys had discovered how to play rugby and scored a handful of tries! Bastards!

England where do I start. I had visions of the forwards upsetting the Argies and tying them up in the middle of the park whilst Ashton, Foden, Manu and Arms glided gracefully with the speed and elegance of gazelles into the corners for tries. Hmmm. Penalties galore and it seems some thieving git nicked Johnny's boots. Still I hope that now Argentina are behind us, muttering malvinas to themselves we will pull our fingers out of our arseholes and play some proper rugby.
At the end of the day it seems that the big boys, when the chips are well and truly down can still turn things around.

I then turn to Wales. Wales shouldn't be disappointed that they lost they should be fuming. The game was theirs. With the exception of the first try, the only team that looked like winning the game were Wales. Hook's penalty... I don't know. The commentator said it bent back in after going past the posts. I didn't see that and it looked like a score to me, but we have all been there and have to abide by the ref's decision. Look at Mike Phillips' 'try' against Ireland. The Welsh back row are amazing and will do wonderful things over the next few years. They now have to go and tank Samoa, a bogey team for Wales given their previous World Cup meetings.
There's still all to play for and loads more games to come! Hurrah! I bloody love rugby me

why aye man or whatever geordies say - some predictions from canny man but not Oz from auf wiedersehen pet

Above: International superstars Beyonce and Jay-Zed looking confused after hearing French coach and fruitloop Lievremental tells them that they are playing at 9 and 10 for France against Canada....Beyonce plays on the wing

Righto then. I've been saying since the Super However Many that Convict Island look favourite for the World Cup. I stand by that.

Wales v Samoa, PlD, 04:30Wales has so far been the only British side to play convincingly (and they were facing the current champions!) Despite Samoa having beaten you lot before, and being manned by human tackling Exocets, and having a Moody-like lack of concern for health in every aspect of the game I think that Wales' technical superiority and ability to regroup in the face of bullying thugs will give them the win. Dole Scum Sheep Molesters - 29Cannibal 2nd XV - 13

France v Canada, PlA, 09:30 Canada beat USA in their warm ups, and they ran Ireland to the end. France played like dildoes against an inspired and inspiring Japan. I reckon shame will make Good France take the field and their undoubted strength in depth in almost every position will outclass Canada on the day. Huffy Shrug Exponents - 31Seal Clubbers - 9 Do I win £5?

prick

one way of nullifying the scoring prowess of Chris Ashton is to select him for your world cup fantasy league where he does sweet fanny fuck all.............

world cup thoughts

Above: September 2011 and Kiwi fans get Aucklands new taxi to the Tonga game

ok lets look at the weekends results from the big boys. The kiwis did their job, enjoyable match and Tonga did their bit to. Bit pissed off that the Italians didnt keep it up for the whole 40 minutes and capitulated against Australia. The one thing we can take away from this weekend was that England, Scotland and Ireland can play shit and win while Wales play their socks off and lose. I think people under estimated the Romanians especially the jockinese, i'd worry about the Georgians a little more. i think this team should start repaying Andy the Hulks Robinson pride, heart and commitment and start going for it. The USA played well, much better than anybody thought. Ireland did their usual and shit out. i have to say that out of all the rugby that has been played its the American captain Clever that has impressed me the most just ahead of Japan's Arlidge, Warburton and Kahui. Now i have been known in the past for a bit of English bashing but even ski Barr and Spenny's Lovechild born wrapped in roast beef who becomes king of the Morris dancers must admit that England were shit. they have the penetration of a flacid penis after an particularly aggressive wank. Argentina werent any better though. Wales played their socks off, i thought they were brilliant but we have seemed to miss the fact that so were the South Africans. fuck the penalty call, Wales had 2 better chances to win the game, the South Africans played like world champions and that was because they played clever.

For about 15 minutes France were about to replace Wales as team most likely to be humilated in a world cup, Japan showed a lot of passion - it was amazing! Leivremental's plans unravelled for a moment but France stepped up to the plate.
So far then? World cups going well and very enjoyable, big 3 played well and Ireland and England are probably building for something better. Wales should be disapointed but very proud but will we do as we always do, up for the big games, struggle with the others. Italy and Argentina have seemed to go backwards the so called smaller countries move onwards and upwards.it doesnt matter - anything can happen.

be warned

Above are the gravestones of John Evans and Evan Jones. They foolishly played a drinking game that involved necking two fingers of beer everytime the ITV commentators mentioned Jonny Wilkinson in games that England were not playing in. Those poor boys drank 20 pints in 40 minutes and died not of drinking but through frustration at the shit commentary

World cup! World cup! World cup! damn shit myself......

Above: God gets first dibs on Dan Carter for his kick about down Roath Park

Well I went into work today jet lagged to fuck from my trip to the land of big cars, big bellies, big portions and big mentalists with big guns. All of a sudden someone mentions rugby and through my sleep-addled befuddlement I realise that tomorrow the world cup kicks off.

Low key is not the word. If this was the kiss ball billionaire rapist’s world cup it would be everywhere. All I’ve seen is a packet of McCoy’s with something on. ITV have surpassed even their usual shitness by showing off their coverage of the world cup by having it on ITV 4. Fucking ITV 4, they will probably stop the final half way to show an episode of Morse.

Why can they never get it right? Next time why don’t they give up altogether, not bother showing it and have Ant and Dec re-enact the game while Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and Fergie off the Black eyed Pies give their verdict on the sock puppets performance. ITV were shit before and it seems that the only upside for them is that they are consistent.

Above: Ozzie full back Kurtley Beale shows its not all about being ace at rugby

Moan over! What the hell has this world cup got in store for us? It going to have competition. It has an All Blacks with a destiny. Aussies and saffers with ambition and France, England, Ireland and Wales that can cause upsets and make it to the final. It has minnows that want to be there and will make a difference, above all we have rugby. Is this Dan Carters chance to emulate Jonny or will Jonny do that himself. What about Cooper and Genia for teaming or will Phillips and Hook click. Will the Argentineans use their pack for domination but miss the mercurial talent of Hernandez.

I don’t bloody know do I but that is what this is all about. Tomorrow morning we will see what New Zealand have to offer when they play one of the teams that they nick lots of their players from, Tonga. Its going to be interesting to see how people will react to arriving in New Zealand and finding there are only 5 hotels in the whole of the country and Big Doug is using 2 of them.