Hangovers....no not your shit ones - real ones

Above: The perils of sock abuse - this is what happens if a hangover runs into Tuesday

Ok, I’m really sorry I have been away and youre lives have been pretty empty without my moaning attacks on anybody and everybody. The reason is is that I have been living in a world of pain following the stag do of high pitched C3PO Fuzzy Williams. Other than myself being involved in what I like to call ‘intensely xenophobic incident’ it went swimmingly. An excellent event, organised like a German Blitzkrieg with more alcohol consumed than by your average Scottish tramp.

I was unfortunate to room with 2 Lovechickens plus another. The Chairman who mithered me about staying up late and when I did try and stay out late he went home. Chris Parry who was telling me how to get dressed and how to sleep and I also had the pleasure of meeting Brian, who is sort of an Ammanford version of Dolph Lundgren.

The reason I write this is to explain the dreadful stages of my hangover and its machinations. This isn’t necessary for the last hangover but possible for a generic hangover.

Phase 1 – the day after.

There are two different versions depending on where you are. If at home – get up feeling like shit. Lay down the law to Mrs Rooster, not in an authoritive way but in a pleading, almost crying way. Some girlfriends and wives are complete cocks and seem to think that this is the day that they want to do something and force their partners into doing shit that they wouldn’t want to do when they are ok never mind when they are hanging out of their arse. These are also the partners who wonder why their men look forward to spending time away from them – my advice would be to bin them because their shit, they are also the ones who say ‘I hope the boys don’t think I am a nag or a bitch’ we do – you are.

Above: Coronation Streets Kevin Webster shows the danger of wanking 7 times the day after England Wales 1987

What we want to do is roll down stairs in jimmy jams or pants with possibly a t shirt on depending on the climate and watch telly. If your missus is a diamond she will go to the spar where she will get

1. milkshake

2. lucozade

3. wispa

4. monster munch beef crisps

5. Wales on Sunday

I do not answer any phone calls or texts – especially from my mother asking individually who was there and then individually asking if they enjoyed themselves like so

Mother: Was Phil Kite there?

Me: Yes

Mother: did he have a nice time?

Me:Yes

Mother: Was Ski there?

Me: Yes

Mother: did he have a nice time?

Me:yes

Mother: Was Tew there?

Me: no

Mother: Oh……….was Dev there ?

And so on and so forth until I lose it – so I have learnt to ignore all forms of communication. So I snack, scratch, watch telly and snooze. I feel enormously horny but feel to ill for rubs and tickles. I go to bed about 10 and sleep the sleep of death.

However, when I am away I wake up pissed because of checkout and then walk around as if I am wrapped in bubble wrap and rubbing my face as if I have taken ecstasy. For me the tour ends when I go to bed the night before and I feel like crying when other people drink. This is because I am not drinking for the enjoyment of it I am drinking to get pissed and the thought of spending all day drinking to end up drunk watching telly in my own house does not appeal. All day I think about rubs, tickles and head strokes whilst watching scrum V.

Phase 2 The next day The Rooster always has this day off. This is the day where you have to start acknowledging real life. Sock abuse is at an all time high and around midday comes the darkness. Beer depression so bad that even when you see people falling over and really hurt themselves, it only makes you smile rather than point and laugh. Just like some of us wipe our arses standing up and others sitting down (weird twats) some people are just more prone to the black dog than others. Many people know that no matter how quiet the night is you think it was you who:

1. made a twat of yourself

2. did something to spoil the occasion

3. killed loads of prostitutes in old London town during the 1880s

4. stupidly attack the Soviet Union thus bring them into the war and negating the great advances you made in western Europe opening yourself to a 2 front war

You realise that you spent so much money when the back bed room is crying out for a new pair of curtains and that even though you were curled up in a ball with sick down your top, some girl must have fancied you and you therefore are the most evil dick in the world. There is nobody there with you from the said night out to put you right and therefore it gets worse. Sock abuse and band of brothers box set gets you only so far and then its back to the self pity. Headache relinquishes its hold by the evening and the Monday night sleep is the one you’ve been waiting for.

Unfortunately for me, this time my hangover lasted til Tuesday, I had 8 hours respite before getting almost fatal heart burn, then my arse decided to go for a piss and then I had a throat infection. Its still sore now but here I am giving you what you want and that’s my few on this years Six Nations. See you next week you giant Bumders!