As the Western world teeters on the brink of all-out war the
eyes of Wales turn toward the 6 nations and the big showdown with the old
enemy. The Scottish call them the auld enemy which shows that maybe education
in devolved Wales might not be as bad as first thought.
Like every year we at the Coop have been contacted by
literally three people (2 emails and a crayoned letter from Fishguard) asking
‘Where the fuck is your blog?
’ actually the one from Fishguard said ‘were is ur blok’
with a backwards ‘K’ which returns to me to the question of Welsh educashun.
Well I thought I would give you a small fix of unfocussed unknowledgeable
spu before the last two rounds. I won’t bother afterwards, I hardly ever do. I get
together with the other Lovechickens on Super Saturday and end up so bat faced
that I can barely get out of my Transformers jimmy jams never mind type
something almost Beano-esque in its splendour and in-depth knowledge.
So what’s happened so far?
The Welsh
When I give my dog a teddy bear, it tears over to it, shakes
it in his jaws, meticulously bites a hole in it and then bums the fuck out of it. Afterwards
‘teddy’ or as we called it last time ‘Neil’ just lay there in post coital
horror with dachshund puppy making gravy seeping out of the ‘jimmy sized’ hole
in its neck. Poor Neil. In my mind he looked and properly felt like the Welsh
team did after 80 minutes in Dublin this year. Out played out muscled and out
everythinged. It was fucking awful. We didn’t even look dimensional never mind
one dimensional and I think we were all concerned that we could perform that
way. Great teams have off days but do they get fucked over the way Wales did.
Yeah but what about France?
What about them? They played amazingly for about 20 minutes
against England and they played well for half that against Italy who really
should have beaten Wales, France and Scotland so far!
These are 15 random people
Grotbags from Emu
Dogtanian (sens muskehounds)
Jean Claude Van Damme
Somebody from Police drama ‘The Bill’
Derwyn Jones
Derek the Weatherman
Gargamel from the Smurfs (Craca hyll to all you Welsh
speakers out there)
The artist formerly known as Prince
Dennis the waiter from Charleston’s steakhouse in Cardiff
Roy Walker from Catchphrase
Benny from 70s midlands super soap Crossroads
The bloke who set up cillit bang who shouts in his adverts
Sheriff Buford T Justice
Larry Blackman the red cod piece wearing lead singer with
80s band, Cameo
Arfon Haines Davies
Yes names that trip of the tongue of anybody with a love of
contemporary culture, sport and politics but rugby players? Fuck no, not by any
stretch of the imagination, but if I would have put that team on the pitch against
the French team that faced Wales on that Friday night, other than losing a lot
of lineout ball they would’ve have run the beret wearing shrugmonkeys very very
close. People in Wales went from driving around the streets of the valleys in
the back of landrovers looking for anybody with a Warren Gatlandesque haircut
to duff up to a situation where they started naming their children after the
Welsh coach even though some of them were in their teens and had their own
names. No we haven’t become a shit team overnight but by beating a crap French
team we haven’t become the All Blacks after a Mars Bar and a hell of a lot of
tropical fruit flavoured Lucozade.
Above: Chris Ashton walks away upset as Colers, Robshawers, Twelvetreers, Hartleyers make sport at the oik, Vunipola-ers is out of shot
Wales have England next and what of the public school Boris
XV. Christian Bale lookalike and annoyingly decent chap, Stuart Lancaster is a
shrewd coach and they have played pretty well in parts and much better than
Wales overall. They should’ve beaten the French and my glorious XV above would’ve
also taken apart the Scotland that turned up on the maggot ridden Murrayfield
pitch. But against Ireland I thought they were great and tactically astute.
They are gaining in confidence which is epitomised by gobshite Danny Care. The
back three look exciting even though the winger Nowell looks like he should work
spinning waltzers at a fair. England collapsed quicker than a Tongan paper
toilet against Wales last year but they shouldn’t even be thinking about that. Momentum
is with them and that is coupled with confidence. They have their swagger back,
I bet their common room at Hogwarts is all a flutter with the upcoming game and
their fags are having an easy time while polishing their heroes’ boots.
Below: No, not the Irish training camp but Nowell's family preparing for training
But Wales HAS got last year and the teams look very much the
same. Players such as Adam and Gethin, Jamie and Leigh are world class; if they
bring their A game could this be another hiding for the Piers Morgans of the
British Isles. Who knows, but one thing I do know is that it will be a hell of
a game!
