Hangovers....no not your shit ones - real ones

Above: The perils of sock abuse - this is what happens if a hangover runs into Tuesday

Ok, I’m really sorry I have been away and youre lives have been pretty empty without my moaning attacks on anybody and everybody. The reason is is that I have been living in a world of pain following the stag do of high pitched C3PO Fuzzy Williams. Other than myself being involved in what I like to call ‘intensely xenophobic incident’ it went swimmingly. An excellent event, organised like a German Blitzkrieg with more alcohol consumed than by your average Scottish tramp.

I was unfortunate to room with 2 Lovechickens plus another. The Chairman who mithered me about staying up late and when I did try and stay out late he went home. Chris Parry who was telling me how to get dressed and how to sleep and I also had the pleasure of meeting Brian, who is sort of an Ammanford version of Dolph Lundgren.

The reason I write this is to explain the dreadful stages of my hangover and its machinations. This isn’t necessary for the last hangover but possible for a generic hangover.

Phase 1 – the day after.

There are two different versions depending on where you are. If at home – get up feeling like shit. Lay down the law to Mrs Rooster, not in an authoritive way but in a pleading, almost crying way. Some girlfriends and wives are complete cocks and seem to think that this is the day that they want to do something and force their partners into doing shit that they wouldn’t want to do when they are ok never mind when they are hanging out of their arse. These are also the partners who wonder why their men look forward to spending time away from them – my advice would be to bin them because their shit, they are also the ones who say ‘I hope the boys don’t think I am a nag or a bitch’ we do – you are.

Above: Coronation Streets Kevin Webster shows the danger of wanking 7 times the day after England Wales 1987

What we want to do is roll down stairs in jimmy jams or pants with possibly a t shirt on depending on the climate and watch telly. If your missus is a diamond she will go to the spar where she will get

1. milkshake

2. lucozade

3. wispa

4. monster munch beef crisps

5. Wales on Sunday

I do not answer any phone calls or texts – especially from my mother asking individually who was there and then individually asking if they enjoyed themselves like so

Mother: Was Phil Kite there?

Me: Yes

Mother: did he have a nice time?

Me:Yes

Mother: Was Ski there?

Me: Yes

Mother: did he have a nice time?

Me:yes

Mother: Was Tew there?

Me: no

Mother: Oh……….was Dev there ?

And so on and so forth until I lose it – so I have learnt to ignore all forms of communication. So I snack, scratch, watch telly and snooze. I feel enormously horny but feel to ill for rubs and tickles. I go to bed about 10 and sleep the sleep of death.

However, when I am away I wake up pissed because of checkout and then walk around as if I am wrapped in bubble wrap and rubbing my face as if I have taken ecstasy. For me the tour ends when I go to bed the night before and I feel like crying when other people drink. This is because I am not drinking for the enjoyment of it I am drinking to get pissed and the thought of spending all day drinking to end up drunk watching telly in my own house does not appeal. All day I think about rubs, tickles and head strokes whilst watching scrum V.

Phase 2 The next day The Rooster always has this day off. This is the day where you have to start acknowledging real life. Sock abuse is at an all time high and around midday comes the darkness. Beer depression so bad that even when you see people falling over and really hurt themselves, it only makes you smile rather than point and laugh. Just like some of us wipe our arses standing up and others sitting down (weird twats) some people are just more prone to the black dog than others. Many people know that no matter how quiet the night is you think it was you who:

1. made a twat of yourself

2. did something to spoil the occasion

3. killed loads of prostitutes in old London town during the 1880s

4. stupidly attack the Soviet Union thus bring them into the war and negating the great advances you made in western Europe opening yourself to a 2 front war

You realise that you spent so much money when the back bed room is crying out for a new pair of curtains and that even though you were curled up in a ball with sick down your top, some girl must have fancied you and you therefore are the most evil dick in the world. There is nobody there with you from the said night out to put you right and therefore it gets worse. Sock abuse and band of brothers box set gets you only so far and then its back to the self pity. Headache relinquishes its hold by the evening and the Monday night sleep is the one you’ve been waiting for.

Unfortunately for me, this time my hangover lasted til Tuesday, I had 8 hours respite before getting almost fatal heart burn, then my arse decided to go for a piss and then I had a throat infection. Its still sore now but here I am giving you what you want and that’s my few on this years Six Nations. See you next week you giant Bumders!

Translated from the Geordie - here's Mitch!!!

Above: Mitch - 'away ya foockers i cannae git doon fram this far legged thing'

Righto. Chubby Wan Kenobi has been at us for predictions for the weekend so here's mine like.

The Irish have a team of good rugby players. But unfortunately they're playing like they've been field testing the new upgraded Mogadon. For example, Sexton Onion Face's big bag of skills seem be bashing together and cancelling each other out and he's been a bit of a disappointment all round unfortunately.
A lot has been said about the potential loss of Mike 'takes-it-in' Tindall's steadying hand on the tiller but to be fair the English back line has more caps than a chavs wedding so I reckon we'll be alright. Let's start with Banahan and see if he can break any more genetically weak Celtic backrow forwards. I'm much more worried about our scrum halfs doing a half marathon before they PASS THE FRIGGIN BALL OUT.

Bogtrotters 16 - Stout Hearted Doughty Englishmen 24


The Frogs have been having a shite run out this year. What happened to the team that beat the All Blacks? Their bloody coach, that's what. I reckon he's got a big tombola wheel out the back and he just spins it to generate his team selection for the week. How can a team with so much talent in depth (except stand off where they only seem to produce shaky, confidence players) mange to throw away games like they are. I reckon, badly as they're playing, they'll still beat a Wales who seem even more poorly led. What's happened to your bollocks lads? And with Shane Williams looking like his Mam's keeping him in till he does his maths homework I fear for their try scoring ability. And with hard-core Cymraig, Fergatron Belt Overhang of the West, emigrating to France in order to be closer to the team he really loves I think the supporters feel the same way as me.

This Week's 15 Frenchmen 20 - Wails 12


I have never cheered a non-English side like I have the Italians this tournament. They deserved to win against Ireland and they woulda done too if it hadna been for that meddling kick. Last week they beat France by everyone playing at their highest potential, not just letting Parisse make all the hard yards. Despite Bergomasco routinely squeaking out a fart as part of his kicking run up I have liked the way they've taken a gutsy run at each game. I was roaring at the final whistle - champion. In that match though, I reckon they've already played their equivalent of the final and they may well be off the boil for the Scots.
The Sweaties. Lord, where do I start. Suffice to say they only seem to have one player on the pitch and that's Gray. He's at 2nd row but he has an eye for space and open play that makes me think they should develop him into a nr8. He'll be like Chabal but good. The Jocks really need a win to pick their morale out of the bins in the gents' bogs so I reckon they might make it here. It'll be an Ireland style win though, scraped out of desperation in the last few minutes. (Secretly I really hope Italy wins).

Sweaty Socks 15 - Carbonara Chianti - 12

If I'm right do I win £5?

response by Fuzzy's best man - Gregster

Above: Fuzz 'hiya luke, Hows your mother?'

It is an honour to be given the opportunity to respond to Love Chicken RFC on behalf of Adrain - "Fuzzy Talk Fast " Williams.

It is a mediocre honour for me to be press ganged into the role of Best Man for C3PO although as is my want and due to the current austere times and those two wankers - "Dave and Nick" - I have nothing better to do!

In all honesty it is only by luck that we are travelling to Toulouse this weekend - France win by lots I am afraid - due to the Nuclear disaster in Japan. I had to remonstrate quite forcibly with the Emperor (Hirihito not Gareth Edwards) that this was an important trip for Bod and he could not be used by the Japaneese people as some sort of large reflective nuclear shield due to his milk bottle complexion!!

Anyway I hope this clarifies any issues you may have with C3PO and I will see you on the Ice!

As they say in France - no not wheres the reverse on this tank - Bon Sour or the like!

Gregster

hmm i'll have the deep fried mars bar with a lovely glass of chianti please

Above - as well as arse touching, shit driving perverts, the Italians are famous for the export of wine and fast cars

Well it didn’t take mystic Meg or some genius for the BBC to work out the Scotland Italy game would for the bottom place and therefore get it out the way. They have competed for it so many times they actually think it’s an Italy/Scotland trophy. However I am going to stick my neck out here and say it’s going to be an absolute humdinger of a match.

Below: Tramps, the biggest growth industry in Scotland and with deep fried anything and Taggart, its biggest export

Both teams pulled up their collective socks and decided not to play like huge Joeys last weekend. If I am going to be honest I still have a little bit of a semi on about the Italian result. It was also nice to see Shrek’s twin brother Nick Mallet give a winning interview for a change. Scotland must be a little irked that they produced their best display against the best side and away from home but maybe they should stop being irked and be a little embarrassed the stupid porridge jockeys. The problem that both these teams have is that they have a small number of players and professional teams to choose from and until you sort that out, success or some sort of levelling out of performance will not follow.

Its at home and Scotland have got the players to win this game but if you look at the both sides and consider private battles such as Castrogiavanni and any of the Scottish props, or Parrise and Brown, Masi and Paterson then the Scots should worry but they have the giraffe like man in the second row and I think Lamont and Ansbro who must be the darkest man in Scotland are class players – are they lifting play or are they being dragged down to the teams level.

Scotland if they shake their malaise and win by 12

first prediction from the Phantom

Above: Phantom 'love bite! love bite! love bite!'

The next prediction is from someone who is from over the other side of the Dyke but has been exiled on this side of it.

hmm talking about lesbians - when i was a teenager i thought that Lesbians were just really really hot women who loved getting off with each other and loved men watching them do it even more especially when the man joined in - fuck, the Army really did sort out that misconception.

Below: Lesbians on Goodwick beach in West Wales 'Neetu chandra' is Lesbianese for 'where is the ice cream van?'

The phantom of the Opera (why? Because he hangs around theatres in the back ground a lot) gives his predictions

Very generous about the England game. I thought it was dire. Happy with two points but if we play like that in Ireland we’ll probably only just win! (JOKE).

Ok I’ve been pretty bad at predictions so far but I have got all England wins right! Here goes:

Scotland 12 v Italy 17
Ireland 15 v England 18
France 25 v Wales 16

Philosophy:

Scotland despite showing England up today have played the worst rugby of the 6 Nations. Italy will hopefully have the momentum to take out the jocks. After all they could so easily be going for their 4th win out of five on performances so far.

England were shit on sunday...I mean really shit and if they play like that on Saturday Ireland will definitely win. HOWEVER I’m being optimistic and suggest Lawes and Croft to start, a real focus and a well due win over the Papists! I think they can do it.

France were unbelievably bad against Italy. If they have a modicum of pride they will come out raging against Wales and will be too strong to live with. If however they play like they did on saturday they will struggle. I do think that the French will perform as they can and will be in "wounded animal" mode to quote a popular cliché.

Overall I think looking on to the world cup the big three will be pissing themselves at how shit the N Hem are in comparison....

I haven't got a fucking clue how to post onto blog so this is my piece.

Toodle pip old bean.

Hoozah - its Fuzzy's stag do

Above: hiya how's your mother? high pitched voiced law supremo fuzzy as a child

This weekend The Rooster is off to France, to Toulouse to be exact for Lovechicken extraordinaire Fuzz Williams’ stag do. He will be joined by friends across the world (of the M4 corridor) and 2 other Lovechickens, Rob camel eyelashes the chairman Jones and Chris Parry who used to be in the Bee Gees but annoyed his brothers so much that he was forced out, changed his name and now lives a life of telling people how to do things in Newport.

Above: Chris Parry (far left) in his youth (50's) hanging around the Pick in Ammanford telling people how to do things

Fuzz Williams is tall and very muscular, his head is out of proportion on the small side with the rest of his body and because he is ginger has been forced to shave all his hair off.

His voice is so high pitched that peoples ear’s bleed when they are near his conversations. Before his voice broke it was so high pitched that Mr and Mrs Williams kept him in a room covered in egg boxes. These years in isolation made him into one of the whitest men outside Scotland and also a complete header. Once released from captivity Fuzz was snapped up by British telecom as one of two people who could communicate directly to computers and faxes and in exchange they gave him a law degree.

One of my favourite recollections of Fuzzy out with the Lovechickens was when he spilt his Strongbow and Black over a girls virgin white dress –she cried.

Of course there will be absolutely no stories whatsoever to tell you next week so dont bother asking.

Injuries? try getting a one inch punch for a small spillage!

Above: Hey yoouuuu guuuuyyyysss!! will Mike Tindall be ready for Saturday or will he be helping lots of kids find One eyed Willy's treasure and escape from his mother and two brothers?

Brief 6 Nations news before I go onto anything else - Some injury concerns and hits these past few days.

In England. Hogwarts old school boys and general willy bullies are panicking at the thought of losing inspirational and exceptionally ugly world cup winner Mike Tindall. They say that you should look at the mother in law to see how the wife will end up but I would be more worried if I was Princess Anne thinking about how my Grandchildren were going to look.

In Ireland. I am not making this up but Irish scrum Tomos O leary has been ruled out by a sled injury. They reckon its because of straps or something but I reckon its to do with him and ‘fat’ Jonny Hayes hurtling down a massive hill on a tray and ‘fat’ Jonny hayes decided to fall off the back thus spoiling the equilibrium of the ‘sled’ and O leary ending up in a tree. The other scrum half redden is still recovering from having a ball kicked straight in his face - one of the highlights of the Wales Ireland game.

Below: sled accident: 'Hayes you fat twat'

In Scotland, undeterred that he has actually got a girl’s name Kelly brown is hopeful to be available for the wooden spoon decider against Italy on Saturday.

Finally In Wales, Black arm bands are the order of the day when all round god like winger and giver to charities and saver of orphans Shane Williams pulls out of the French game. Somebody told me I was a 100% down on the Welsh side of late. I wasn’t – I am now.

Below: Shane

Mon Dieu je suis off mon trolley et vous all are complete merde

Above: Marc Leivrement 'ze next team i weel peek will have ze Derwyn Jones in and of course we need a Welsh hooker...........'

Its official and I think total vindication of what I have been saying for weeks. Marc Leivrement has completely lost it. He hands out caps like Ches used to hand out the clap, i am now waiting for King of the Gays to get his first French cap because he once wore a beret and can spell bagutte....baget......baguette..

This is some of what he said about his players after the game against Italy –

"They are lacking in courage. They are good guys but cursed with what is obviously cowardice," he added. "They are not even capable of admitting to their own mistakes. Perhaps it is a trend among the new generation."

Below: 'Sorry Marc what was that? Oh i'm a coward am I........what? but i'm a good guy as well - oh thats ok then....'

fucking weird....

Above: Italians after the match - get in the pub you silly cunts

What a game, what a finish and what a knob Leivre-mental is!! While we have been all dissing the spaghetti eaters, with a little turn in fortunes this tournament, Italy could have been going into this week as championship contenders. Not bad when they have only 38 people to pick from and 32 of them are Argentinean.

The game was good, the result historical. For once it wasn’t all on Parrisses and burgermasters shoulders but others such as Masi, Lo Cicero and Zanni stepped up to the plate and delivered. The French on the other hand did not. Like the Irish a few hours later, the French delivered all the zip but could not get the result. It was ironic that during the match the Italian scrum suffered whilst their backs attacked from deep – fucking weird.

If any of the home nations pulled off a great a win as this the supporters would go on the mother of all benders and the pubs would be drunk dry – It Italy they all get their flags and get in their cars or on their scooters and drive around the city centre tooting their horns and cheering – knobs – what a fucking waste of a win.

It reminds me of what legend (inside of Wales, unheard of outside) Max Boyce said about England having an open top bus after winning the World cup. If Wales would have won it, each player would have had their own open top bus and Shane Williams’ mothers hairdresser would have been given the OBE.


In the Irish paper the Independent one hack called the French team one of the worst in recent history, I’m not sure if I agree. Chabal is a one trick elephant and that winger Hugot looks like he needs a bloody good wash but they still have a back row who are world class. They need a side that is settled that knows the plan. Parra isn’t shit and while he hasn’t reached the heights of a Castagneide or Camberabero he is a class player. The French pack destroyed the world class Italian pack yesterday. Its not over for the French, not be a long chalk but will it be for their coach?

Above: I don't give a flying fuck if the Wales/Ireland game is on i player - dont make me watch it again says Quentin the youngest of the Underwoods

The Wales Ireland match was also fucking weird. Some people thought it was extremely exciting and yes it was but only in the last minute where Paddy Wallace decided to butcher a try because he wanted to score closer to the posts. I would have scored the easy try and then put all the pressure of Sexton thus remaining the hero and using that to pull birds in Cardiff that night. Surely score first. It makes as much sense as the time this bloke tried to tell me that eyes were not balls but in fact the front of tubes to the back of the head. Because I didn’t have a book on eyes on me, he therefore claimed my arguments to be spurious at best…the thick fat fuck.

Back to the game. I thought it was like watching two teams of special needs kids playing British bulldog with oven gloves on. In the first half it looked like Wales were going to be blown away and every time the ball went out to the backs they lacked ideas. Lee Byrne, who resembled one of those cows that had ‘mad cow disease’ must remember to leave his Nans slippers at home and wear boots. Even though they won any supporter of Wales has to be worried about the execution, flair and vision of this Welsh team. Would they have beaten their world cup opponents this autumn, Samoa or Fiji playing like that? – I don’t think so.

The Irish have some sort of grievance that Mikey Phillips try was not disallowed but it wasn’t so suck it up you moaning pikeys. I suspect that if O Gara had have stayed on he might have made a difference even though his kicking, like Sextons, was akin to the kicking of that one legged mental twat that recently divorced Paul McCartney.

What I am surprised by is how Wales played so negatively and won. Hook was boringly amazing and controlled the game well. It was also the first time I have watched an entire game involving Mike Phillips where I haven’t seen the lip synching of ‘fuck off’ in.

Its incredible that by the final whistle my feeling was of some sort of grubby relief. It was like I’d been on the end of a gang raping by King of the Gays and Dev - It wasn’t enjoyable one bit, the levels of skill on show were substandard and I was glad it was over. Contrast this to the feelings of elation I am sure many of us rugby fans felt at the end of the first game of the weekend and again comes that feeling of ‘fucking weird’.

Now welcome to fucking weird part 3. Everybody said that this could be the Scots day if they were on top of every part of their game but I think we all believed that they were to be bum raped by the English. They weren’t. They were beaten by a better side and one that kneaded out a win. It was a game for the purest but as a neutral was one I enjoyed. Stand outs – hmmm not too sure but Max Evans’ try was a peach and to continue the fruit analogy Hape was a plum. Actually Ed Milliband lookalike had a lot more of the ball but seems a little one dimensional. Care and Wilkinson looked good when they came on but the Scottish replacements didn’t add much.

I think if there was such a thing as an Andy Robinson Cam then the BBC would get a lot more people watching the game. Introduce this then and stop putting internationals on a Friday and Sunday you set of twats.

Above: 'forward pass! FORWARD FUCKING PASS'! Andy Robinson finally loses it in HQ

So what the hell do we get from this weekend. Not one team played well this weekend, it was mistakes ago-go from start to finish. The teams that excelled are meeting up next week to fight for the wooden spoon while the team marching towards a Grand slam doesn’t seem worthy of the mantle. The only team able to steal the title from them is even more shambolic. However amongst the gloom there was light, individual performance and more than anything, close, hard fought competitions that make the 6 nations what it is and with the fight back of the Scottish and win by the Italians more of a competition than its ever been.

Fucking weird - Roll on Super Saturday!

My predictions from Big Doug - our Viking warleader

Above: Yes Doug you can get arrested for that sort of shit over here

Predictions are as follows:

French wine beats Italian wine by a cunt hair, but Italian food surpasses French cuisine by the narrowest of pubic follicles

The French by 15 points on the pitch

The Welsh by 3 points at home simply because O’Gara will have his leg broken by a deranged Welsh supporter between the Team Bus and the changing rooms and no one will noticed until he limps onto the pitch at the 70 minute mark to replace young Sexton with the Irish trailing by three and a line out at the Welsh 22, and misses the drop goal attempt with his off foot so badly, that he completely misses the ball, collapses to the ground, and is stretchered off with a bad case of acute embarrassment.

England by 20 points in Twickers – this will be an ugly match, the only compelling reason to watch it is to see if the English can stay motivated enough about the Calcutta Cup to generate a lopsided score line. The Scot’s can be tuff in defense, but have little offense (see Murrayfield, 12 Feb. 2011, scoring 3 points while playing with a 2 man advantage). However, all will not come up roses for the English. I can see it now, Ashton will drop one ball in mid air thus fulfilling martin’s nightmarish dreams, and will also miscalculate his spacing on another scoring attempt and crash into the post in midair thus dislodging the post and his shoulder from its socket and touching down for the try simultaneously, thus hitting the trifecta which the drunken Scotsman with his kilt lost and a bottle firmly within his grasp in the upper stands had gotten odds of 3000 to 1 on a 20 pound bet, all of which would have been magic until in his drunken celebration he careens off the 3 staid Englishman in the seats around him and hurtles to the lower stands all the while Singing Scotland the Brave without spilling a drop. Film on BBC 2 at 11 PM.

rants and predictions by The Unibrow

Well, it's clear Ferg has been consuming too much Berroca recently.

In the spirit of a good rant - even though I text Ferg this week (and he actually text back - this as you know is a fucking miracle and I refer to my statement made earlier of his new diet of Berroca), he didn't ask for my prediction. This is because
A) he couldn't give a fuck.
B) he thinks I know fuck all about rugby.
C) Both. I'm going to give it anyway - what I can't do in words I'll beat Ferg in pictures.

We've had Shrove Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, and now it will be Paddy Saturday. As we've all experienced - a large percentage of the Welsh will claim Irish heritage (which is only surpassed by the Americans).

Doc Brown's Flux capacitor will be in full use, as Cardiff will be swept back to 1985, which shouldn't take too long. Chavs and Chavettes will invade the city in shiny tracksuits that should have been banned in the 1980's due to fire hazards, along with more bling than a P Diddy video. J.R. Hartley will also get over excited and father a child to be called Day V Lately. And, as the Vauxhall Novas parade through Queen Street, the Terradactyl like birds will drop in to Chippy lane, stealing every fuckers chips.

Above: After being scared by the flashing lights on the quiz machine in a bar in Cardiff this commando returns to his native valleys to beat people up and do cheap whizz

Celtic bollocks will be heard for miles - as stupid feckers with names like Donny Donald O'Donnell, Ally O'Malley and Phil McCracken drink with the Chavs and Chavettes of the Valleys and probably find that they are related.

I'm unsure on how many packs of Top Trump Ferg has swallowed, but I think he should now work for William Hill because even though his dream time is shit, his predictions are always spot on.

As for the results -
Wales should make sure Mike Phillips attends his Doctor appointment (pictured) - if he used that bitchy take the world on bollocks and actually aimed it in a controlled way, i.e. O'Gara's legs, then we will win. If he doesn't, we'll lose by the usual O'Gara drop goal.

Above: This blog believes that Mike should take this advice but won't tell him to his face because he'll kick off and fight us

England by 15 / 3 Swallow dives - With three generations of Batman, and a Robin on the bench, they'll bend Scotland, and I'm looking forward to Andy Robinson knock himself out before half time / put on a Scotland shirt and be playing in the second half.

France by 2 packs of Marlboro lights, one clove of garlic, a baguette and crème fraiche on gas mark 3 for 20 mins = 12 points - I think the garlic munching, stripy jumper wearing frogs will turn up, fag's in hand, baguettes in baskets, and proceed to use both on the Italians, in any which way they fancy.

Above: After getting 'Big Will's guide to fitness and rugby' (translated from the Gwent) for Christmas, Monsieur Froggy le cachypot looks forward to his next game

I am a benevolent leader and today I offer you democracy - only today mind, tomorrow youre back in the fucking box!

Above: Michael Jackson - shamone mother fucker!!!!

Now I like to run the chickens like a slightly more stricter but less bonkers Colonel Gadaffi but the last thing I want is you guys protesting for more democracy outside my front door, throwing things and setting fire to my picture. I also don’t want to waste money strafing you from the air or getting my secret police to come and kick fuck out of you so in the spirit of openness I have decided to ask a few Chickens what their predictions are for this week.

Above: Fat Mike droning on about some small valleys club beating some other small valleys club and talking about the second row as if we've all heard of him

First up is Jamie Oliver lookalike and Division 5 east aficionado, Fat Mike. A man of Gwent currently living in Taffs Well near Cardiff which used to have a Mongolian restaurant – I am not joking. This is the man for who ‘I will be definitely be there’ actually means ‘I have no intention of coming but cant think of an excuse right now’ .

His predictions are:
Wales by 8
England by 5
France by 25

Second up is Phil Umbongo who lives many of our dreams by owning a pasty and pie factory in Devon. Phil used to wear NHS specs when they were uncool but waited long enough for them to get cool again. He has now spoiled that by keeping them on into what will be their longest and uncoolest period.

Above: Not special needs at all but pastry and filling supremo Phil Umbongo at the age of 35, pubes arrive a year later

Phils response to the predication question shows erudition and deep thought much more than Fat Mikes above. This is what I was looking for!!

'Hmmm now I'm on the spot...

England should tank the Sweaties by 20 at least but the Jocks always play better against us for some reason. Like you said in your blog 'we don't mind losing as long as it's not to England' not a mindset I would want to be in but still. If Dan Parks plays out of his skin then it may be closer.

Wales Ireland will be much closer than people think in my view and will probably be 3 points in it either way.

France Italy. France should run riot but it depends which team turns up. Italy have been unlucky to lose to Wales and Ireland and maybe they will provide an upset. Back in the real world France should win by 30'.

And finally we have a prediction from our chairman Rob ‘camel eyelashes’ Jones who lives in Charleston. Not the steak house in Cardiff that doesn’t close and has saw dust on the floor but the place on the east of the United States. He is from Ammanford but has been over there for many years – so much so is accent has turned ‘Catherine Zeta jonesesque’ without him turning into a knob.

Above: Mr Chairman? can i be Mr Weights and Measures?

Jones is making a rare appearance over this side next week for a visit to Toulouse and gives this assessment for the upcoming rugby fest.

France by 30 points
Wales by 6 points
England by 20 points

Next week I will be selecting another three but next time I want some analysis like umbongo did.

I asked Morgan about his prediction and he said ‘rain’.

Laters

fuck Edinburgh - lets do Brazil

Rugby is on its way to Brazil and all i can say is hip hip hoorah. The Brazilians are making promotional videos about certain sports that Brazilians dont give a fuck about but are coming to the olympics in 2016. below is the rugby one and worth a watch




To be honest other than kiss ball and naked volleyball they dont give a fuck about most sports. its going to be so much nicer watching the crowd shots when they play rugby......

Below: Welsh rugby fan after Merthyr v Pontypridd in the cup. lets hope she's not doing that to lose weight or she'll be there til xmas

Below: Her Brazilian equivalent - but will she look that nice with orange curry on her top?

i say chaps - here come the English

Above: a typical Englishman

English people are really posh, who live in mansions and have Welsh and Scottish servants. They have Irish ones too but because their not paid they are called slaves. They all talk funny and drive range rovers. They went to school in a place like Hogwarts where they bullied each other with their willies. They also wear Barbour jackets, flat caps and wellies but not cheap black ones. They are all bi-sexual but are actually scared of sex unless it’s with cats and they cant drink or fight.

Well as you can guess that’s not true, everyone knows that they are also scared of having sex with cats.

Above: Twickenham car park on international day. you cant see but behind them are Morris dancers and pearly kings and queens

Ahh the neighbours, the sais, the Sassenach, the auld enemy, les rosbifs, the poms. I know many of you will disagree but I don’t give a fuck, its good to see them swagger again. The 6 nations would be shit without them and even when they are crap they are never that crap or never that crap for long. Now it sounds like I am sitting in the coop on my knees with todger in hand and in front of me laid out on the centre pages are pictures of Will bumchin Carling, Brian Moore and Ben Fogle but I am only saying what’s obviously true.

I have said this before and I will say it again. I would rather spend my time in the company of an English rugby supporter for 5 hours than 2 minutes with a Welsh soccer supporter. Still there’s no reason to get over emotional they’re still massive cocky bummers who love themselves. They have been consistently the best side in this 6 nations and if that performance was repeated over the next few weeks they would be worthy grand slam winners. They have some fantastic players. The back 3 are on fire and with the case of Ashton, I wish he were. Flood has been fantastic and who wouldn’t want Wilkinson on the bench. One of the best players of the past 12 years and although as boring as one of Fat Mikes chats on division 5 east rugby, someone to depend on. One spot of worry is the centres and I am sure most English people would agree that I wouldn’t pick shontayne hape for 3 reasons.

1. He has a completely ridiculous name
2. looks like Labour leader Ed Milliband
3. probably plays like him

The English pack are also going great guns but I cant get it into my head to rate Easter (the player not the holiday which is fucking ace because of chocolate button eggs). Dylan Hartley has a face that even his mother would want to punch but he is a dynamic player, even better when opposition coaches goad him. England also have a lot of good flankers to chose from and the 2nd row Palmer has been great.

Everybody wants the English to get beat but who wants to beat a bunch of losers. We now have the English players who are in their pomp, who can play their game and can talk the talk and walk the walk. I always felt sorry for heffalump Martin Corry shuffling off the pitch after a loss and I don’t want to feel sorry for them. I want to see players like Foden, Ashton and Hartley gobbing off! I love the rivalry that we have in rugby, the one where we take the piss out of each other and let our drinking, my looks and the banter do the talking. And what’s better for us watching gobshites coming off the field after a loss!!

Above: look at that set of twats - The English team pose for the press before bumming fuck out of each other

So what’s in store from the boys from HQ. They have played well and as I have said they have the individuals but unlike Wales they play like a team and look like they are enjoying themselves. They have got a lot more to them but if this is a Grand slam team then there is a chance that the demons that come with it aren’t far behind.
Better English teams than this have lost to a Celtic country on the last days of the 5/6 nations. Its happened before and it can happen again – the English should win but the question is can they handle the pressure.

PPS I have forgotten about a sub-tribe of English people called ‘northerners’ they are in fact English but don’t speak the language. They live in their own excrement fighting with and stealing off each other. They all claim they live in the best place in the world and spend the rest of their lives trying to leave it or they stay and make it even more of a shit hole. By law the females of the tribe must be pregnant by 15 and have to smoke during their pregnancy. These aren’t my words but the exact words from the Conservative Party manifesto for anywhere outside the centre of London

For fucks sake - what did i just say!!

latest headline from BBC News

'irish foul play a worry' - Gatland

dont worry about the Irish just coach (as in what your paid to do)

1. Welsh hookers to be able to throw to their jumpers
2. The fucking jumpers to jump
3. Mike Phillips not to take a three mile wind up before passing
4. any of the players not to lash out like a pissed up Taz at the end of the night and get a yellow card

also The Rooster wouldnt mind the end of Rob Howley talking about himself in the third person (see what i did there)...

Zut alors - Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Below: A typical Frenchman: 'Je Suis un smelly lazy radical homm avec le bad breathe'

OK you’re the manager of a national team and you have played 2 games against reasonable opponents. The first team came at you with everything they had and still you played flowing rugby and won, the second team you played away from home, they outscored you something like 3 tries to one but you still dug deep and won. The next game is the big one – talked about as the championship decider against a team on the up and at their home, their fortress. So what do you do? Oh of course, you change a third of your team and completely change your tactics.

Ahh the French, a certain je ne sais quoi that you can’t put your finger on, a joie de vivre and a Gallic shrug all combined to create a frustratingly rude, bad breathed European. I will say that their roads are better than Italy’s but then again so are Libya’s and Afghanistan’s. It’s said every 6 nations that you don’t know which French team will turn up but they are right. Are they the XV that took New Zealand apart in the 1999 World cup or are they the team that were pretty much humiliated by an Australian team who couldn’t out scrummage Rod, Jane and Freddy from Rainbow.

As you all know the peoples who inhabit the British Isles are loathe to complain too much. Not the French. If a Frenchman is giving a breakfast he neither agrees with or likes the next thing he does is takes it down to his nearest port where he will burn it and then he will march through Paris waving banners and singing songs against crap breakfasts. The French Government will then change its entire policy on breakfasts (unless you are an ethnic and then they will open fire and/or bend you).

Below: A Frenchman with shit red trousers burning xmas gifts he didnt like at a port

Leivremont could have one of the best teams in the world if only he didn’t act like some Alzheimer’s riddled geriatric after being hit over the head. He has selected absolutely loads of players which in my mind cheapens the international cap. It’s not as if they haven’t got an ‘A’ side where he can’t try these combinations. There aren’t many players in France that haven’t been capped by Leivre-mental but sure as eggs is oeufes (geddit) France will pull out a fantastic game out of the bag in the world cup.

So what’s going to happen in the next few weeks? If one France turns up. They will arrive in Italy not take it seriously and then make loads of mistakes as they nonchalantly give the ball away. Italy will be at home increasing their powers tenfold and will sneak a win, against Wales they will concede an early try where the fickle Parisian public will start booing in the first 5 minutes. The French will start punching the Welsh team then each other and Gallic shrugging will go up to factor 8. They will still score 4 tries against a hapless Welsh side but Wales will score more.

Alternatively this side could turn up. Italy are brushed aside through brutal first class forward play and then superb cutting rugby – they are tuned. Against Wales, they start at such fervour that Wales cannot get into the game and are blown away……

So they could win or lose or a bit of both – you heard it here first.

A couple of pricks wrecking the game (No, not Hook and Byrne…) by Uni-brow

Above: Get a fucking hair cut Al!

As we are now well aware – Ferg has too much time on his hands, and rather than doing what he’s supposed to (Uni work – things don’t change), he’s blogging like he’s never blogged before. Three blogs in four days, - maybe he did actually blog more than that, he just didn’t want the world to know about it.

I too could be spending my time a little more productive. I could try and tame the forests that weigh down my brow – the joke like mono that makes me look like a cross between a grumpy, fat James Nesbitt with Bert and Ernie. Yet, I thought bollocks to it – I spend a few hours a day on a train with stinking, toothless, hairy tattooed people (and that’s just the women), so I thought I’d vent some anger at a couple of pricks that a destroying Rugby for me, and try to ease some strain on my furrowed brow.

Time, my friends, is a fickle thing. One moment we are running down the pitch, the next we may worry that if we fart it could follow through. From spending money each week on hair styling products, to now investing in the latest technology in hair thickener or weigh up the option plugs and surgery. A “quick pint” of yesteryear that lasted three days, now really is a quick pint now that we may struggle to finish.

As we get older, the laws of the game we love are gradually changing too. Days are gone when you had to catch the ball while sticking your arse out like you’re appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, stamp a heel on the floor while simultaneously shouting, “Mark”. Guidance on the ELV’s on rucks, mauls and lineout’s have kept several branches of the Citizens Advice Bureau in South Wales venues open (so, butt, Ida can’m hit’m when lineout jumper hits em grounds?), and when some of the older members of the coup were in their prime (Andy Nunn)– tries were 3 points.

Even though a student of the blind school could tell you who, how and why a front row is going down quicker than Gaddafi’s popularity, ref’s still haven’t got a clue. I also find it worrying that referee Wayne Barnes seems to welcome scrum time, just so he can take a fucking eternity with “Crouch, touch, pause…” and the “engage” part sounds like he may have done himself a mischief in his shorts.

We see sporting stars develop, hit the headlines, and retire. Or, they shag celebrities and retire (not Chez), shag celebrities and emigrate (Chez), shag celebrities move to another club because “oh, well, the boys and the banter – I don’t think my orangeness could cope with it”(possibly Chez again).


These days, more technology and analysis goes into rugby than Bush and Blair put in to trying to find weapons of mass destruction. Charles Darwin’s’ possible missing proof of Evolution is Andy Powell – a man from the past, George of the Jungle on steroids crossed with Master Blaster from Mad Max 3 - after swinging from trees, humping bollards and shitting in caves he borrowed a modern day cart because, as he put it, “me dum hungry”.

Below: Wanted - One nasty old dwarf to sit on Andy Powells shoulders in order to help him think

Worse than all of this, is the retired sports star becoming the commentator. Don’t get me wrong, some players have the thought and brain power to think “well, I can’t chase eggs forever, what will I do when it all finishes?” League players have converted to coaching in Union, some sign contracts for Sky or BBC – which finally brings me to the point of this rant. Statler and Waldorf (pictured) have had their personality removed (exactly) and taken human form while “commentating” rugby. Ladies, Gentlemen and Love Chickens - please give a two finger salute to – Eddie Butler and Brian Moore.

Many Love Chickens have probably spent more time playing against international stars than Butler did – so what the fuck does he know? He played in the early 80’s – but, didn’t everyone play for Wales in the early 80’s?

They were hardly the cream of the crop in the 80’s were they? – you piss the Red side of the Severn Bridge and you’re handed your first cap. I’m sure for one international, the blokes selling dodgy merchandise outside Cardiff Central – “one peeeound ya hat’s, ya scarves, ya badgieeees” – actually included a Welsh Cap for £5.

Butler has worked for The Guardian newspaper since the early 90’s, and writes like Taz on a good day. And although at least he has time to get someone to check and re-write his copy, no one can alter or advise the tripe that comes out of his gob when he talks – you can get more sense out of Big Will after 20 pints and a kebab. The one that really sticks to mind is Wales v England, 1999. Our “home” game at Wembley – because we beat them by a couple of points, Graham Henry was declared a God, and every player was given permission to shag every any female in Wales they wished. I’m unsure if Gareth Thomas accepted that or he had a clause in his contract – Shane Howarth was unable to fulfill that either as he wasn’t Welsh.

Now I’m sure you all had copious amounts of alcohol before, during, and after that game – thankfully the most interesting parts can be viewed on Youtube so we can say “yeah, of course I remember it”. Despite Tim Rodber’s “tackle” shattering Colin Charvis’ cheekbone, blind Butler had the stupidity of saying it was a “bad decision” by the ref?

“When you go in for a tackle like that…” but it wasn’t a tackle Butler.

“Ah well it’s a dangerous game…bad decision ref, bad decision.” Butler really should the Golden Kick in the Bollocks award (if there is one?). Also among his irritating lines…

“That’s the power of…”

“That’s the speed of…

“And there is the strength of…”

Those comments wreck the highlights of Wales’ last Grand Slam – along with every other syllable that comes out of his mouth.

Which brings me on to his partner in crime, Brian Moore.
Brian Moore – with an irritating face, only surpassed by that constantly-smiling Prof Brian Cox (are you an arse bandit pop star, or are you a star-gazing arse bandit. Make your mind up – Cox). Brian Moore’s big (arrogant, ignorant, prick facing, blind fuckin’) mouth challenge – can they just gag the useless prick? His mindless ranting style of commentary might as well be replaced by Richard Keys saying “Smash it”, “Would you smash it”, “Have you smashed it” or “(insert players name here) is hanging out the back of it” every so often. It’d be more entertaining and probably more accurate.

If those pricks are destroying this weekend’s match (that’s before Wales get on to the pitch, play for 10 minutes, for Ronan Prick Face O’Whatsit slots yet another drop goal to win), I’ll be watching it on mute, getting pissed, and watching the highlights on YouTube again.

Uni-brow

Gatland more annoying than Ski??

Above: Rugby supporters from North Wales 'Fuck faster broadband what the hell's a wheel'?

The Welsh team have dug in, looked hard at themselves and their team, concentrated and worked to their utmost ability to produce some of the most debilitating moments of dull, grey mediocrity in the last few weeks.
I do not give a flying fuck if you think I am biased by saying that we have some amazing individuals in the Welsh squad but as a team we are as much use as Big Will at a posh meal. It doesn’t help that every time we play someone Gatland attacks them a week before singling out people to make sure they up their game against us.

Press conference

Press – So Warren, its Ireland out next, some great players and you’ve had some hard games against them – what are your feelings on the next match

Any other International coach – Well Ireland are a first class side and we are going to have to up our game. It does not mean we fear them, we think we have the players to win but it does mean we respect them and what they can do as individuals and as a team

Gatland – those Pikey fuckers haven’t a hope. They are shit and we are fucking ace. If I was to single out anybody for being shit it would be Brian O Driscoll, he’s not going to play well because like I said he is completely shit. I would also like to single out Ronan O Gara for being crap at drop goals – there is no way in the world he could score more than 3 in a game and if he cant then he is a cock. The pack are fat and never win lineouts or scrums, where they actually cheat while the backs are a punch of fat slow puffs who will never win………..

Above: Swansea girls dressed up to the nines on a night out during the recent cold snap

Anyhoo back to the team. I thought they played ok against England where the best team won….sigh. Ironically we played worse against Scotland and tumfed them and again we saw Wales do what they always do. If they go more than 15 points ahead they start thinking of what time they are out clubbing or in this modern era, eating chicken and rice. If England or the All Blacks had had that dominance in a rugby match they would have won 64-6 not 24-6. As for Italy well we did well to win against a good Italian team. I still think we were village though.

Positives have been Ryan Jones who has been playing well and I thought Jonathan Davies has been a find. Shane Williams is A-flipping-mazing, I don’t think I have to add more on that wizard, I’d probably finger him if I met him.
Mike Phillips has been a worry, I’ve seen Fuzzy demolish a lasagne faster than he can pass the ball from the back of the scrum. He is also very angry all the time and probably needs a damn good wank.

We have Ireland and France for the last 2 games and the problem is that you don’t know what you’re going to get. Yes Wales could beat Ireland at home and have a good record in Paris but if they continue in the same vein they will get a bumming only Lloydy or Ches with their enormous willies could muster……………………

Crouch, touch, pause……tarmac my drive!

Above: An Irishman wanting to fight you for a pound after stealing the lead from your roof

Small of hands but big of heads – one of the most ancient and surely the most arrogant of teams in the 6 nations.

Who could blame them? They were 3 points off a triple crown last year, grand slam winners the year before, 2 of the regions have won 2 of the last 3 European cups, they have world class greats like Brian o Driscoll (below) and Paul o Connell.

Well bollocks to them.

I’d give my signed picture of Pete Devs willy stuck in that blood orange for a chance to punch Ronan O Gara in the face. He plays well for Munster and scores at will for Ireland against Wales but as soon as he plays for a team I could support i.e The Lions he plays like a cock or worse; Dan Parks on an off day.

For many of us drinkers (I don’t mean coke zero so that’s you out Roberts) and tourists (in the proper sense of the word) Ireland is one of the best places to go. We have all had great times in Kilkenny, limerick and Galway where Morgan pushed that girl over. Dublin, however is one of the worst. It takes itself so seriously it should become a black and white French language drama on BBC4. It is over rated and to be quite honest shit. A den of dullness dressed in pretend craic populated with Murphy O syphilis bars charging £400 for a pint of Guinness and £350 for a ‘traditional Irish’ (see English but without the beans which makes it shit) breakfast. We were there once on International day and couldn’t get into a club because they didn’t let gangs of boys in. it’s a rugby international day you thick twats not a fucking Justin Bieber concert! It so crap that when we were in Scotland a few weeks ago loads of French groups went to Edinburgh rather than to the Irish theme parked ripoffathon that is Dublin and their team were playing there!

Above: The youthful Irish team preparing to take on Scotland a fornight ago

Anyway back to the rugby. This is a team full of great players even though it has an average age of 103 but also village ones who the Irish love such as ‘Big’ Johnny Hayes who should be called ‘shit’ Johnny Hayes. They did not deserve to beat the Italians but ironically should have done the French. They have the ability to come good at the end of this tournament but will they deserve it? They have England at home which may be a grand slam decider for the visitors. However if the Irish beat Wales, which they may well do seeing that they have no fear of playing and winning away against them, then this could be the 6 nations decider.

Och aye the NO!!!!

God, supporting Scotland must be harder than supporting Wales. These pale, porridge snorting, skirt wearers of the frozen north boast probably the best place to watch rugby in the world (Edinburgh pubs not Murrayfield) and a vast beautiful country but unfortunately its populated with obnoxious football supporters who like all other one-eyed football supporters are complete unashamed knobbers. Of course their rugby fans are amongst the best and the loyalist and by-fuck they need to be.











Above - They'll rip your fuckin heed aff!! Could these two freaks be the answer to Scotlands 9 and 10 problems

They promise so much, especially after their win against South Africa and a barn storming match against the French and then served up more crap then would appear in a book called ‘my sporting life by Ski Barr’ against Wales. They were dreadful. They could not have been any worse if they had selected the Krankies as half backs.

Actually watching Scotland in the last 2 games of the championship has been akin to laying my splayed hand on an anvil and then smacking fuck out if it with a hammer.

A hell of an improvement against Ireland but they still couldn’t win and that was at home. They just need some stability in positions and for their players to give a 90-100% performance every time they go on the field which they do not do now. Every time Dan Parks has a good game I would give him….i don’t know……a box of Roses and a cheap bottle of Cava but every time he had a bad one I would give him such a fucking sidekick into his nads which may level out his ‘playing like a cock’. As I have said they may have some worries against Italy but they really should put them away and although they are a class below the English, they may have a performance left in them. Remember the last time Scotland beat England in HQ I was 10 and Andy Nunn was 53. Can they do it? Andy Robinson deserves something!

Mamma mia issa the Italians

Above: Along side the Mario Brothers Probably the most famous Italian in history

We are over half way through the 6 nations so I bet all you giant gay lords are thinking -

‘I know what I think but that’s unimportant and probably dross, I wonder what the Rooster thinks because he is better at this sort of thing and of course handsomer than me’

Well if you are thinking that then you are right on all counts, so I have decided to put finger to keyboard and give my thoughts on what’s happened so far and what could happen in the run up to Super Saturday.

above: Mussolini - cock but a very well dressed cock

Ok let’s start with Italy. We shouldn’t feel sorry for the Italians as who else would be allowed to live with their parents till they’re in their early 40’s, drive like fucking joeys and be completely sexist all the time, but I do. They have a class pack of forwards boasting legendary calibre players like Parisse and Castrogiovanni but as soon as the ball comes out from the scrum it goes into the hands of one of 7 retards running around like Morgan with his laces tied together. Until this is sorted they’ will never be. They could have easily beaten Wales and especially Ireland and I think they met an England side with their tails up. Can they beat France and Scotland and rescue their tournament? In a word, No. However this Italian side is better than the teams that have beaten Scotland in the past and who knows which French or Italian team will turn up in Rome a week Saturday.

Fantasy rugby titbit on Italy – for the past…..I don’t know…..3 years? I have been putting the Italian centre Canale in my side. He has been shit and so I have vowed to never put him near my side of low achieving drongos – lo and behold – he plays against Wales and scores. A long way to go before he become a big a cock as Ashton but he’s in my top 100.

How i learnt to love the English by The Rooster

I'm annoyed...thoroughly annoyed. On Saturday i sat there in a quiet pub in a quiet side street watching the England France game with fluffy haired, super mod Spenny. Now i was looking forward to watching France win whilst allowing myself some sweet caring anti English racism.

So you're guessing that i am annoyed because the English won?

well there is that but that isn't why i'm thoroughly annoyed - its because of Fantasy rugby.

usually watching uber-posh, stunning pop star shagging, twat face Ben foden crossing the line for anybody never mind England, brings me out in a rash and is so awful i pull out the small passport size photo of Ski Barr from my wallet and kiss it - yes - its that bad.

But on Saturday the little shit did so and i clenched my fist and said 'yessssss', even thinking about it now makes me want to punch myself in the face with my good fist but mini-celebrate i did.

Is it because, at last i realise we are all Brits together and that the English are infact better than us at everything and that i love them like the benevolent masters they are? Was i touched by the spirit of St George the patron saint of England, Palestine and stubbing your toes?

Was i fuck.....I'd put the gobby twat in my fantasy rugby team and the thought that i might be catching up with that gloating, red faced tit, Ski made me really happy.

Above: Selfish twat who is spoiling my fantasy rugby experience

I'm not doing very well at the moment, languishing in 10th out of a field of 17 and i will tell you why. fucking Chris Ashton who, other than last week can't play a game without scoring tries by flying, well that's what every photos looks like. So in the end i get to go back to my penchant for booing our closest neighbours because of Ashton......so things cant be all that bad can it??

SKI BARR I IS GUNNING FOR YOU AND I IS GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I IS A MAN AND YOU IS A PUFF