Follow Walt Disney's advice the Scarlets pimpernel

I missed last years pub golf and the only reference to how smashed I could be in this years was BLUE. Never had Weatherspoons seen such a broken man stumble through the doors before 7pm, supported by Big Will shouting 'you'm avin another one?'.

At this exact time I thought- I want to go home this couldn't be any worse! But it is, this year we're off to Pontypool.

I've decided to follow the advice of the very likeable creator of Mickey Mouse and the likes, Walt Disney. Big Walt once said 'If you're going through hell, keep going'. This is certainly what I'll be doing, head down ass up drink the drinks don't say anything to anyone and smile when I get to Cardiff town, sorry if I get to Cardiff town. Remember don't get in a fight with a big, ugly Pontypool man because he's got nothing to lose!!!

The prospect of competing in the most fearsome pub golf circuit in Wales, in an unknown and untested drinking location will be one to savour. I feel this years event will rely more on 'team work' rather than the 'individual', a good partner is vital. Even if last years victors are favourites I've got a sneaky feeling that this prize could be heading Eastward across the severn bridge, oh no.
One thing's guaranteed, there'll be talk of young girls, STDs, lower league rugby from 1992-present and more 'youms' than ever heard before.

Roll on the 'Pontypool Open 2007'.

Peace&Love.

Pontypool 2007 - The Starting line up so far

With 2 weeks to go we have at least 16 competitors in the mix for Pontypool 2007. Big Will has fixed, what I have heard is a…um……a…..very challenging course. The big news and I mean big news is that we have a competitor who I believe is a challenger whos pedigree is second to none. Gar San Francisco from Fishguard is someone I believe will challenge Big Will and Ches and even has the power to bring the Pub golf Cup to West Wales. There is a lot of speculation that because of big Jas and Taz that the cup may end up over Offa’s dyke, but with the big three I have already mentioned, that will be a task in itself. What may happen is if there is a draw for first place we will enter the winners into a sudden death round called emotional stability where Taz will royally fuck up, cry and come last.

So far there hasn’t been any definates for teams but I have heard that Ches and Beechy will be combining for the doubles, whilst Ferg has invited Pete the meat or the Kaanht to partner him. The obvious duo will be Lightning Rob Thomas and Gar San Francisco who will join forces to become the ‘Fishguard Plasterers’.

More news as it comes in

Most likelies

Most likely not to make it to any pub in Cardiff
Blue

Most likely to spu
Ferg

Most likely to get hit by a tennis ball and cry
Sam

Most likely to talk about the rise of Llanhilleth as a dominant force in division 5 east
Mike

Most likely to get female attention and having fucking no clue what to do with it
Rhys bach

Most likely to know what to do with all the female attention Rhys bach is having and mither the fuck out of them until they relent
Carlt

First person not to get served because too pissed
Blue or Morg

Most likely to eat first
Morg

Most likely to fall asleep standing up
Morg

Most likely to be set on fire
Morg

Most likely to not notice a comedy penis has been drawn on his face
Morg


more to come again - regards and have a nice weekend

The Rooster

Defending my championship by THE Six Foot Jap

First of all THE Jap would like to welcome all love chickens old, new and odd (Taz) to my home town of Pontypool on the 28th July for the LC Pub Golf.

Let me take you on a brief history trip of Pontypool. Pontypool got his name from Jasper Tudor, the Lord of Abergavenny and uncle of King Henry VII. On 10th October 1490, Tudor made a grant of land to one John ap David, and in the conveyance fixes one boundary as "the highway leading form the church of Trevethin towards the bridge called Pont poell." It would seem therefore that the town gains its name from the bridge placed near the swampy pool which almost certainly would be greater than the forge pond that exists today.

That’s enough!

There are a few famous people to have lived in this forgotten town, may THE Jap draw your attention to Indian Jones and the Raiders of The Lost Ark. Yes you’ve guessed it Harrison Ford once dumped on the half way line of the Pontypool rugby ground!! Seriously the Nazi baddie (Major Arnold Toht) played by actor Ronald Lacey lived all his life in Pontypool, where his family still reside! The love chickens can match such an accolade by having two Nazi war heroes of their own, Phil Kite and Big Jim Williams!
Next for those rugby lovers, mainly those friends over the pond, who have dipped themselves in Welsh rugby history! At least, more than us so called Welsh rugby supporters. It is that of the Pontypool front row! Made immortal by Max Boyce.

"There's a programme on the Telly,I watch it when I can,The story of an astronaut,The first bionic man,He cost six million dollars,That's a lot of bread I know,But Wigan offered more than that For the Pontypool Front Row!"

We as lovechickens can also rival that, with our own front row of Cockney, and the two social hand grenades (Sam and Taz). When packing down it would be close encounter with our boys just (and only just) beating them. Bearing in mind they are in their 60’s, with health problems!
For more information on rugby in the area talk to the fat Jamie Oliver. And finally to the pubs, order and drinks to be finalised but here are the pubs!

1. The Sally
2. The Labour in Vain
3. The Colliers
4. The Forge Hammer
5. Pontypool Workmans
6. The Bell
7. The Hog and Hosper
8. The Unicorn
9. The Hanbury
10. The George
11. The Greyhound
12. The White Heart
13. The Globe
14. Pontypool rugby club

You are wondering 9 hole golf, 14 pubs the math does not add! You are correct do not recount (Morgatron definitely don’t THE Jap doesn’t want you having an embolism!). This as THE Jap will explain is precautionary. Much of Pontypool still goes by sundials for the time, in the event of a cloudy day, when time gets lost, many pub landlords loose track of opening times, also the fact that many lovechickens will get beaten to a pulp in some of the local (local pub for local people) pubs! Therefore to avoid trouble and arrests (again Taz and Sam) we will add a few more in to give us a bit of scope.

Again THE Jap will look forward to the up and coming Pontypool Pub Golf, with great eagerness, apprehension and will again retain the LC Pub Golf championship. Many people believe the last to be a draw between London Welsh and THE Jap, but THE Jap will add that London Welsh has youth on his side and is all ribs’n’dick!!

Nail down anything that moves, hide the alcohol and move your daughters somewhere far away or to Merthyr cos no one wants to go there

yes…something so scary it makes the horror film ‘Hostel’ seem like My Little Pony – The movie, something that gives you the heebjeebies more than top and tailing with a naked Taz……..switch off your mobile phones because

The Six foot jap is bored, single and horny…………..

I can hardly type because just reading back is scaring the living bejesus out of me. My first warning was given by the addictive bane of my life facebook when young MW changed his relationship status from couple to single. My face fell into my hands as his status went to ‘The one man wrecking machine ………is bored’ AAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!

You see mild mannered lecturer Matty Wills, who unassumingly goes around his college teaching under privileged kids to kick a ball or run fast *, is an articulate, deep thinking fluffy bunny, sure he is the size of a house but he is more like the yeti in ‘Big Foot at the Hendersons’ or Chewbacca rather than……..someone big and nasty. But danger is not far away, lurking deep inside his psyche, once away from the parameters and chains of a relationship he becomes the 6 foot jap. Nothing without a willy is safe, you can run but you cant hide. Its amazing but when the Jap is on heat, his vocabulary decreases from his standard 20 words to the beautifully quipped 10, one or two syllabled ones. He is a walking hormone and girls stick to him like Tew sticks to his sofa. No matter how laddish, rude or incomprehensible the Jap gets, he will always have birds flock to him. Damn it I have seen a girl kiss him after he hawked and spat on her forehead. Mere mortals have to buy flowers or at least 15 vodka red bulls……………

Just the uttering of the words

‘are youm gonna get offa wiv me or what, ida horny……..’ means another girl is deflowered and sent home happy but feeling slightly grubby. They, however will ring him as soon as they get home.

The 6 foot jap is the honey badger of the man world, no one knows how bad he is until they meet him the flesh and then it is confirmed that he is one of the most dangerous mofo’s of the animal world.

So beware, the chains are broken and he is free, he walks among us and he makes you drink.



* Other than making kids throw things or move around I would consider getting a sports think tank together, with the finest sportsmen in the world. Sporting legends and Olympians combined with the finest sport scientists known to man. Their Goal to help stop girls throwing things like fucking joeys it will probably be harder than turning base metal into gold but if its worth doing

A note from our defending co-champ, Mr Hawkes, reporting from the Dark side

Two-days before the smoking ban hits the big smoke, I have some huge catching up to do. The environmentally-misplaced amongst you have had three months of not having tar, nicotine, benzine, carbon monoxide etc clogging up your cardiovascular system, and more importantly, your digestive system. This to me is the equivanlent of high-altitude training. Being the walking Men's Health Magazine (also a walking mental library of Asian Anal magazine), I know in my heart and most importantly my superior mind, that you may have peaked too early. I shall be running a four week bootcamp starting this weekend. Crucially, I have a training partner. Like Mr Balboa in Rocky III, I have my Apollo Creed. I have someone to run up the beach with, to spar with, to go to the Spar with (to buy white lightening), and to hug and jump around with a bit TOO gaylee. A new entry, a saxon and a dark horse - John Beech enters the fray, also gaining his first cap.

Ben Stone knows the damage this man can do (re: Friday Club 2001) but he is severely underweight and i fear nine swift and challenging holes may prove too much. But those of you who have trained for a marathon (anyone?) will know you never tackle the full distance until the day, as adrenaline will get you home. So 6 pint "power" sessions are at the basis of my training.

I look forward to Pontypool workingmens club, the Hog and Hosper or the white hart, wherever it may be, where i emphatically down my last pint in less than one, take the crown and stand upon the table triumphantly urinating upon you all, you cunts.

London Welsh

PS Mike can you not fall asleep at the bar whilst ordering a round this year. Also can the dreaming Turk not offer a fiver to the bird I pull for a feel of her ample breasts. Offer a twently to fuck her. Love x