Above: Uncle Sam - i wouldnt point like that in Newport mate.........The American Lovechickens are coming! No, not all of them – thank fuck, I don’t think these isles could take that. But we do have a good rump of people from our old colony.
They are flying in – coming down to Wales and then fucking off so I thought I might do a very quick guide so they know what to expect.
Geography
It says a lot about a country when some of the best things about it are things that the populace had fuck all to do with and with Wales that means amazing coast lines, mountains and vales that take the breath away and areas of huge and intense beauty. As soon as the Welsh get hold of things like cities, infrastructure or politics they fuck it up.
So the people.
There is no point going into regional differences so I will concentrate on Newport where they will be staying. For starters Americans will not understand a word anyone says. Also this isn’t everybody but the national dress of men from Newport who stray into the town centre is a vest but even though they are in their 40s they will also dress like a teenager. The women are slack jawed, stretched titted harridans, if they are pregnant and they usually are it is against the law for them NOT to smoke. They, like their men folk will also dress like they are teenagers unless they are teenagers when they will dress in their jimmy jams…and not nice ones, fezzing ones. If they are obese it is compulsory to wear a crop top. Also compulsory for vest wearers is that they have to have a dangerous looking dog with them.
They are flying in – coming down to Wales and then fucking off so I thought I might do a very quick guide so they know what to expect.
Geography
It says a lot about a country when some of the best things about it are things that the populace had fuck all to do with and with Wales that means amazing coast lines, mountains and vales that take the breath away and areas of huge and intense beauty. As soon as the Welsh get hold of things like cities, infrastructure or politics they fuck it up.
So the people.
There is no point going into regional differences so I will concentrate on Newport where they will be staying. For starters Americans will not understand a word anyone says. Also this isn’t everybody but the national dress of men from Newport who stray into the town centre is a vest but even though they are in their 40s they will also dress like a teenager. The women are slack jawed, stretched titted harridans, if they are pregnant and they usually are it is against the law for them NOT to smoke. They, like their men folk will also dress like they are teenagers unless they are teenagers when they will dress in their jimmy jams…and not nice ones, fezzing ones. If they are obese it is compulsory to wear a crop top. Also compulsory for vest wearers is that they have to have a dangerous looking dog with them.
Food
(Franch accent) well Monsieur zeeing zat you are een ze Newport you must dry ze chips and cheese, eet eez a local delicacy……
He’s right though, while a must for the American chickens on Saturday night will be to venture down Chip alley, avoiding puddles of yak and screeching west Walian women in shiny Cowboy hats to eat delicious and exotic Orange curry, Friday night in Newport will be to sit down at the end of the night and watch people from Pontypool knock fuck out of each other while eating cheese and chips – it doesn’t get much better than that.
Politics
OK lets say that Osama Bin Laden and Rose West had coupled and had a boy called I don’t know Anthony and then Hitler and Jordan got together and had a girl called Samantha. Anthony and Samantha get married and have a kid. At the same Time Pol pot and Chris Ashton get together and have a boy called Denzil and then President Mugabe and General Pinochet got together
and adopted a girl called chaneeza. Then Denzil has it off with Chaneeza and they have a kid. OK is that clear? So after generations of evil the two kids get together, mate and produce a being of such awful evil that even Rusty Lee, one of the original TV Cooks, doesn’t like it. We’ll call it Neil . Neil, once he reaches an age when he feels old enough, goes around killing everybodies first
born child in Wales and also makes everybody in South Wales homeless by knocking down their houses. If Neil then stands in an election in Wales for the Labour Party – the people whose families had been destroyed by Neil and whose houses had been knocked down by Neil would still vote for him……
Things you will see this weekend
Red things, fighting, queues for taxis, the police, singing, women crying because they have drank too much and are being sick in the street with their mates holding their hair and smoothing their backs.
Things you will not see this weekend
Taxis, Harps, coal miners, fruit, a healthy debate on the rights of man and US foreign policy after 1945.
This may all sound negative but I can guarantee that on Sunday morning, once you come round, you will be planning next years trip to the home of rugby orientated, all day drinking shenanigans, happy in the knowledge that if it comes up to half the level of enjoyment that this weekend has then it will be amazing.
(Franch accent) well Monsieur zeeing zat you are een ze Newport you must dry ze chips and cheese, eet eez a local delicacy……
He’s right though, while a must for the American chickens on Saturday night will be to venture down Chip alley, avoiding puddles of yak and screeching west Walian women in shiny Cowboy hats to eat delicious and exotic Orange curry, Friday night in Newport will be to sit down at the end of the night and watch people from Pontypool knock fuck out of each other while eating cheese and chips – it doesn’t get much better than that.
Politics
OK lets say that Osama Bin Laden and Rose West had coupled and had a boy called I don’t know Anthony and then Hitler and Jordan got together and had a girl called Samantha. Anthony and Samantha get married and have a kid. At the same Time Pol pot and Chris Ashton get together and have a boy called Denzil and then President Mugabe and General Pinochet got together
and adopted a girl called chaneeza. Then Denzil has it off with Chaneeza and they have a kid. OK is that clear? So after generations of evil the two kids get together, mate and produce a being of such awful evil that even Rusty Lee, one of the original TV Cooks, doesn’t like it. We’ll call it Neil . Neil, once he reaches an age when he feels old enough, goes around killing everybodies first
born child in Wales and also makes everybody in South Wales homeless by knocking down their houses. If Neil then stands in an election in Wales for the Labour Party – the people whose families had been destroyed by Neil and whose houses had been knocked down by Neil would still vote for him……
Things you will see this weekend
Red things, fighting, queues for taxis, the police, singing, women crying because they have drank too much and are being sick in the street with their mates holding their hair and smoothing their backs.
Things you will not see this weekend
Taxis, Harps, coal miners, fruit, a healthy debate on the rights of man and US foreign policy after 1945.
This may all sound negative but I can guarantee that on Sunday morning, once you come round, you will be planning next years trip to the home of rugby orientated, all day drinking shenanigans, happy in the knowledge that if it comes up to half the level of enjoyment that this weekend has then it will be amazing.
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