How I lost my phone and why you never lose your phone just before xmas if you live in Abertysswg...
Thursday 21st December - 6pm Away we go, ho, ho. Works xmas party in some swanky bar, full of wanky bankers. Never mind, the food was free as was, more importantly, the copious amounts of Guinness that I fuelled myself with. When it's free, we drink more quickly. When we drink with people we don't usually drink with, we also drink more quickly - maybe to prove that "I'm a reeel man, and youse is just a fuckin poof. Now drink tha drop up now today now". I was meeting The Aggressor and The Cock at 9pm.
By 9pm I was a little tainted. These two, top form drinkers in thier time, were fresh and thirsty. The Cock did have a roll-neck on I remember and me and The Aggressor went for him about it early doors. He bit, so we then ripped into his Phillipiono/Sri Lankan/etc 22 year old missus. Unsurprisingly he bit again! Tiger Tiger, Leicester Square. Nice birds, nice price on the beer. Remember dancing with lush birds, pulling one - got her number. Great, loads of fingering after xmas with a lawyer. Low maintenance (she'd be working all the time). Result. Left at 2am (I'm supposed to be opening my gym out in essex at 6am by the way).
Then it happened. Bit of horseplay as we walked down the street led to The Cock tripping me with a Russian Leg Sweep and The Aggressor living true to his name as he landed a devastating Elbow Drop (it may as well have been 'off the top ropes' with his weight). I Hulked Up and hit a spear. It wasn't exactly WWF, more like Women in Love. Then we went for the bus. At some point during this Gayness I dropped my mobile. Some darky is probably still looking through my dirty photos and photos of Wales v Eng 2005.
Friday 22 - 8.15am WOKE UP. AAAH. HEAD HURT. FUCK, DIDNT OPEN GYM. PEOPLE DOING PRESS UPS IN CAR PARK????!!!!! BETTER PHONE WORK. FUCK MY PHONE. WHERE? SHIT I LOST IT. Oh well, i'll just go back to sleep cos i'm already in shit, best not be in shit with a hangover. Friday 22nd - 4pm Chris Rea is on the Radio and I am indeed "Driving Home for Xmas" Friday 22nd - 10.30pm Been home for two hours and I am climbing the fucking walls. No texts, no numbers to call. I know by this point there is fingering aplenty in Kiwis and I need to be there. But i'm not, i'm watching Jonathan Ross.
Sat 23rd - Wed 27th Dec. Much of a muchness from above. There's only so much you can do in a small Welsh inbred village such as Abertysswg where, because you didn't stay within a one-mile radius of the Rugby Club for the rest of your life, you are an outsider and are shunned even by people you used to call your best mates. Orange needed a Lost Property number which, because the Police Station is only open on a Wednesday between one and five-past one (maybe i'm exaggerating), I couldnt get until that period.
Thu 28th Report Phone Fri 29th (one WEEK later) Get phone. Take ages to register. Still have no numbers except the ones emailed to me. I did find myself texting myself "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" one line after another at one point.
Sat 30th Go back to London after the most unsuccessful Xmas in history. Limited drinking and no fingering. Not a sausage, literally. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE - NEVER LOSE YOUR PHONE IF YOU PLAN TO SPEND EXTENDED PERIODS IN HIRWAUN, RHYADER, NEWCASTLE EMLYN OR BETTWS-Y-COED. BUT ESPECIALLY IN ABER-FUCKING-TYSSWG. ESPECIALLY OVER XMAS.
Thank you, London Welsh c/o St Cadocs Mental Institute, Caerleon, Newport.
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