So we have suckled at the big fat bosoms of the whore we call Christmas until, sated and looking and feeling like a hungover Taz living in the skin of Skis left scrotom sack, we prepare ourselves for another year of responsibility, hardship and necessity.
Yes life is hard, a savage garden of birth and death, illness and suffering a reminder of our mortality and our short time on this earth. But as with all aspects of nature there must be balance, where we have life we must also live our lives listening out for the footfalls of the Reaper. Where there is darkness there must of course be light and so where there is the dreariness of modern life and the plodding along of family, partners, dating, shopping, visiting people, DIY and bills there is us, the boys, the Lovechickens, the lads, mates or as some of our partners know us as; Them.
So as Lovechickens what do we have to look forward to in 2007, I am no mystic Meg but being of a Celtic persuasion I do believe I have magical powers (20 pints and 10 bottles of blue shite and I can still get home on my own – how do you like that David Blane yer prick?!) so as I look into my pint pot with the remnants of Strongbow lurking at the bottom I scry for the future for the next few months.
January
Pete Dev will be 35 years old this month, I wont – ha ha. By the fucker a pair of Wellies and a cow.
February
The Six Nations are here YAY!!! This is our Christmas, the Holy Grail of blokeism where the year comes alive and we can go out and be ourselves. Book your dates off now because I am sick to fucking death of hearing shit excuses. The worst one - that I didn’t know – GET A FUCKING LIFE!! OK? You know now so get some back bone and tell your missus or book time off work. It doesn’t have to be a Lovechickens weekend of monumental proportions but please remember these are our holy days and should be treated as such.
February is the month for the Lovechickens bi-annual tour to Scotland. My favourite tour by a square mile. I don’t understand a word anyone says so it feels like I am abroad but they use pounds so I know its not and they are a Celtic nation so I feel like I belong there – great. See The Fergatron for details but be aware you will have to kip on the floor and get your own way up.
With the war in Iraq going so badly the British Government asks Chris Moyles lookalikey Taz Stone to take over peace keeping duties in Basra. Within a few hours of the ham fisted fucker arriving and having a few beers he decides to pick a fight with coalition forces who are trying to be his friend, within months he becomes the figurehead for Sunni and Shia insurgents alike. He unites the country and drives the capitalist infidels from the land becoming the leader. Like his degree he relies on his class mates to actually run the country and gets bored after a few months and becomes a basketball coach amongst the pygmy tribes of Indonesia.
Morg Hart enrols into the Cannonball run. A race across America against some of the finest racers in the world. He becomes a firm friend of JJ Maclure (Burt Reynolds) but that only gets him so far because numb nuts cant drive to save his life and during a tricky left turn while indicating and using wipers Morg crashes into the start line.
This time the smart birds don’t win, Dean Martin and the funny black bloke does. David Coulthard came second and Ski came third because he was jammed so far up Davids arse at the finish.
Tew got off his sofa a record eight times in a month his best this century and since 1999.
Big Doug is named by the United Nations as a new continent. Dougonia is situated smack bang in the Atlantic and is covered in deep forests known as Pete Farrells and Alex photos eyebrows.
Aliens land in North Wales after they intercepted a phone call between the Gog Lovechickens, Champers and Bruce. The Aliens who can only communicate in what seems like short bursts of guttural sounds believed the Gogs to be marooned fellow aliens. Once the landed and found out that the Gogs were just sub-standard humans they decided to help them by giving them the gift of fire.
Ches catches an STD but I hardly need to be a fucking seer to know that is going to happen.
Ches, who has a bigger pout than Daniel Craig gets caught ten timing when he accidentally invites 9 of his birds over to his missus’ house for tea. She starts crying and he loses it saying that he needs space, its all her fault and she is suffocating him.
Fuzz and Big Will drink 20 pints of ‘Bo and Orange’ and get to the finals of Strictly come dancing eventually losing to twinkle toed celebs Rick Waller and Dawn French.
Forsyth, B – So boys how do you think you did?
Williams, F – Well my speciality is mainly freestyle but this suited me and Will just fine and I think that 20 injured with 2 fatalities is pretty good.
Will, B – Ida do love dancing and things especially with youm
Bald, anal and Squeaky defender of justice Snakey Sheldon is recognised as the policeman who has the most arrests in Police history. The short monkey type creature who looks like annoying gay Marco from Big brother 4 or 5 has notched up an amazing 300 arrests in 3 years. It has been worked out that Doughnut loving flumpster Phil Kite, on his current rate, will have to stay in the police Force for 116 years to get half of that, seeing that in 10 years on the job he has arrested just 10 people, none of them while having a straight face.
There are only 2 weeks to go till the holy grail - if you want to join the Lovechickens fantasy rugby league give me a ring, just watch Chris Parry try and pick himself.
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