Many people have watched in awe as Skinner and Baddiel introduce their one man fountain of knowledge ‘Stato’ to our TV screens. People are virtually pissing in their pants when the national lottery presenter ‘Claudia Winkleman’ stands up on a Wednesday evening and spiels off the lotto statistical bollocks. But it is within these realms that I, The Fat Lipped Jew, find comfort and warmth, find joy and belonging but most of all achieve a hard-on that rivals no other (even London Welsh!).
The Jew has been the brunt of many a joke for his attitude to the sport in which he loves, rugby union has been a hobby of the Jew ever since giving up a life long ambition to be Vanessa Mae, and putting away the violin for a pair of boots at the age of 16 took more guts and determination than many of you piss taking brood realise. The Jew always knew his future would lead to rugby union ever since he was 12 years old when his father tossed him a cream slice and he dropped it in the mud. It was there and then that The Jew decided to learn to catch. If not to enjoy the sport of rugby union, to at least be able to eat food without cat shit and bird mess in it!
So it was at 16 years old that the 20 stone Jamie Oliver look-a-like decided to embark in a sports career in school and then university. But this is not a tail of happiness and fluffy puppy dogs, this is one of trial and tribulations, ups and downs, nudity and chastity, but most of all boredom, pure and utter boredom (most might say!).
Through hard training and pure dedication week in week out the Jew finally managed to put his rugby boots on, and even at one training session had to remove a steak and onion pie from his mouth in order to catch his breath after walking to the training field from his changing rooms. The Jew was not a true athlete YET!
But hold on fellow Love Chickens this is not a story of tears and woe, and do not get the Jew mixed up with the Treasurer, as stories do run similar. But there was the light at the end of the tunnel for The Fat Lipped Jew.
One late autumn, in between dinners, everything just seemed to click into place, for The Jew realised that his career truly did lie in rugby union, division 3 and 4 rugby union, but nevertheless rugby union.
The Jew began to lose weight, put on speed, he learnt to close his mouth when he ran to make his lips more aerodynamic but most of all he began to catch. His prospects as a professional was slowly beginning to be fulfilled.
But, fellow chickens, who said he never had set backs. The career of the Jew had one disastrous final turn, one that all chickens would come to wish never took place. Those who are familiar with the life of the Jew will have heard this story thousands of times. Little children all around Pontypool are being put to bed on the story, as a warning to behave and sleep tight.
It can only be described as the ‘Water Bottle Rollie-Pollie’ Incident. A career ending incident that makes the guts turn, whilst warming up for a match the Jew feel over a water-bottle, forward rolling into the ground and breaking 3 things. His shoulder, his self-esteem but most of all in weeks to come his fellow chickens 'will' to live.
Would this really be a career ending injury the brood might ask itself. The answer is NO! But this is the Jew we are talking about.
Instead of channelling all his efforts into recovery the Jew became ‘Claudia Winkleman’, literally dress and all! He became the one to avoid on love chicken outings, he spurted off everything from division three and four rugby union, and even managed to talk the Llanelli wonder boy and THE Six Foot Jap to sleep on the pub golf. Now this get even worse, he was even talking about Croesyceiliog RFC to the doorman as he was judo thrown out of Walkabout.
Now being of sound mind and body whilst writing this he see the errors of his ways. And vows never to say or write another thing ever on division 3 and 4 rugby union. He hopes the brood is finally happy.
Never again, EVER.
The chickens will not ever here a thing about division 3 and 4 rugby again.
Ever!
Not one word, promise.
Not one.
Bollocks can not do this.
Here are the results from the Konica Minolta Cup this weekend.
Aberavon Quins 21-24 Pencoed Abergavenny 0-7 Tonna Aberystwyth P-P Laugharne (Aberystwyth walkover)Bettws 13-3 Pontypool United Brynamman 8-10 Seven Sisters Bryncoch 8-51 Treherbert Caernarfon 15-0 O Illtydians Caldicot 0-48 Garndiffaith Cambrian Welfare 29-12 Glyncorrwg Cardiff HSOB 32-34 Fairwater Cardiff Medicals 10-23 Nantyffyllon Carmarthen Ath 42-10 Amman United Cilfynydd 22-29 Denbigh Cowbridge 18-34 Abertysswg Crymych 0-54 Mumbles Cwmbran 0-13 Felinfoel Ferndale 16-22 Tylorstown Glyncoch 17-26 Penallta Gwernyfed 12-16 Llandaff North Heol y Cyw 46-5 Risca Lampeter Town 22-13 Pill Harriers Llandaff 31-23 Crumlin Llandudno 18-20 Skewen Llangefni 29-24 Aberdare Llanishen 42-8 Newtown Llantrisant 65-15 Cwmgors Maesteg 19-9 Dolgellau Mold 23-29 Corus (P Talbot) Morriston 18-3 Machen Mountain Ash 48-10 Haverfordwest Nantymoel 8-16 Penclawdd Nelson 57-5 Trefil Pembroke Dock Quins 5-25 Maesteg Quins Brynithel 15-22 Ynysybwl Penarth 31-7 Bryncethin Sports Pontyberem 31-7 Newport HSOB Pwllheli P-P Blaina (Pwllheli walkover)Resolven 18-13 Tredegar Ironsides Rhydyfelin 66-0 Colwyn Bay St Peters 31-14 Porth Tondu 34-0 Dowlais Tonmawr 34-6 Cwmavon Tredegar 80-0 Crynant Treorchy 15-10 BP Llandarcy Trimsaran 31-15 St Josephs Tumble P-P Brynmawr (Tumble walkover)Usk 11-22 Brecon Ystradgynlais 13-15 Nantyglo
Next round is on the 20-22 October.
THE JEW IS SO SO SO ASHAMED OF HIMSELF! Sorry Chickens.
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