learning i am.......

I have read a lot of blogs, thought pieces and newspaper items about what we learnt about the Lions after the first test.

This is what I learnt:

1. That the referee was a complete dicksplash who wanted to listen to the sound of his own whistle or voice rather than concern himself with the triviality of say…a spectacle which millions of people cared about and a point in history in the sport of Rugby Union.
2. Eating 4 packs of jaffa cakes because they are easier to eat there and then rather than getting up from the sofa and making toast will make you violently sick.
3. Just because you are a raging alky does not mean you can’t come off the bench and play like a legend.
4. That in the end being an alky will affect your ability especially kicking.
5. That if you have a front row that is out performing the oppositions front row don’t take them all off with lots of time remaining and replace them with ones who under perform.
6. Don’t fuck around with Jonathan Davies’ knee.
7. Don't engage in banter with Scottish tramps
8. The Lions were lucky as fuck to win that test match and that we beat a team who played a forward in the centre, who weren’t meant to be able to scrummage and who even brought on someone who’s been in rehab in the second half.
9. I grunt when I bend over to tie my shoelaces.

Above: hat tip for Dai lailama but I would have put 'pull my finger'

That’s it from me – so gutted that Paul O Connell is out – he got through some work on Saturday. There was a lot of homework done on angry Mike Phillips and I think we need some ball winners on the floor – Croft is a great player but he is only that way when we have the ball – we have to win it first and Warburton cant do it all especially now POC is not there. Melbourne tomorrow– lets not try and fuck this up eh??

1st test - nuff said.....

Ok the fluff is out the way. The wheat has been cut from the chaff, the……the…….thing…..you know..the thing has been separated from the….um……..stuff and something something something. What I am trying to say is that this Saturday is the beginning of the real thing or as people from some parts of the Amman valley say – the full shumonkee.

Above: FIGHT!

Play has been great so far not withstanding the last game which was shit. However they only lost by 2 with some of a team that had had about 24 hours together to gel – even less time then a Barbarian side or of someone who has turned up with his boots and asked to make up a 14^th man for the away team. Kudos must go to Rory Best who was almost Welshman-like in his lineout throwing. Some people thought it was a joke to call up retired diminutive wizard Shane Williams, I didn’t, I loved it and it got people talking about the Lions. We had a lot of comments before the tour that Barrett and Twelvetrees were unlucky not to be going from the start and we can’t judge them on that performance and I think that the dirt trackers will need them, hell knowing Twelvetrees he’ll possibly looking for a test spot by the third. There were players pushing for test spots like Falatau and some from the bench that really should have calmed things down and showed some leadership but in the end its time to shrug shoulders and prepare for the main test.

 

Test side was picked in the early hours of this morning and I think that the only shocks were in the front row where Youngs replaced Hibbard and Vunipola was ousted by Corbisiero. People have been touting the Heaslip, Croft and Warburton partnership for a while now but if they had have chosen a back row consisting of O Brien, Falatau, Lydiate or Tipiric would we have been too gutted? The worry here is that Heaslip and Croft are great players but they aren’t the best at contesting the breakdown and we can’t just rely on Warburton for this – scared? Yeah I am a bit.

Above: Poor Cuthbert was so out of position during this move in training that they found him on the team bus

 

Cuthbert is the biggest concern even though he is one of the most dangerous attacking players on the planet. I can imagine that there will be people in the stadium selling beer and burgers with a finer defending ability. If he is targeted and targeted well, we should be in for a lot of trouble but thank Thor’s love eggs that we have someone great on the bench to come on and……what? Maitland? Eh? I don’t know, while of course the guy is talented and he does play wing and fullback but a Lions cap…….?

Other than Harold Bishop doing something with Charlene and Mrs Mangells dog the story coming out of the Aussie camp is new players especially Israel Foloa who seems to have found his way into the Wallabies side via Aussie Rules and that other rugby game which is played within an 8 mile radius in the north and of course down in Australia. The Aussies will be up for this, exciting fast pack with class backs – they even have the uber talented but uglier rugby player than Wayne Proctor and Mike Tindall, Kurtley Beale on the bench.

Above: Kurtley Beale turns up for training today

I remember the first Lions game I ever saw was the first test against the Australians in 1989 in a house in Goodwick, it was a strange sensation cheering on people like Moore, Richards, Underwood and Andrew, people I had wanted unfortunate minor accidents to happen to in previous seasons, playing alongside players I loved like Robert Jones and Ieuan Evans (I don’t want to talk about Mike Hall….). The result was a bumming of almost Elton John proportions but the Lions team came back, fought tooth and nail and made history. It is up to this Lions team to decide where they will be entered in the annals of rugby history but we know they have the talent to be the first team to win a Lions series in Australia for twenty four years and the first one to win a series against any team since 1997.

Japan a better side than Wales? HAI!!! (hai means yes)

Above: 'Chlis Ashton's penis? it about this big.....

 

Waking up next to someone you don’t remember going to bed with and when she turns around you realise your beer goggles the night before were notched up to level 10. That is a reason to get out of bed quickly at 6 o clock in the morning. It was at this horrid time in the morning I was up last Saturday but for much better reasons – bacon sandwiches, a nice cup of tea and the chance to witness the new talented crop of Welsh players defeat a brave and dogged Japan.

 

Well, the bacon and tea went well and indeed, Japan were brave and dogged but they were also resourceful committed and talented. Japan taught those Welsh players how to rise to the occasion and also how to play rugby defeating us by lots to sod all. It wasn’t even close. Wales seemed out of sorts and I think the management will rue their decision to leave players like Matthew Rees and Ryan Jones at home. However, there were enough players there to calm things the fuck down but they didn’t.

Above: Why hasn't this girl bigger? Why hasn't she got a big flag on her face? Where the fuck is her sparkling cowboy hat? Why isn't she hammered and crying or trying to pick a fight? - thank god for the rugby girls of Wales.

 

In days gone past Wales spread the gospel of rugby union to the world, aficionados, players and coaches were the missionaries of the oval ball and the world did thank us. Now they thank us again and have done so for the last twenty years by being the only top level team to be consistently spanked by ‘developing countries’. Romania in 1988 (I am not bitter), Canada and Japan are all there in defeating Wales in fully capped games and the former two actually did so in the Arms Park. What about Fiji and Samoa I hear you ask? Oh well, we don’t just get beaten by them, we actually wait until there is a global audience in one of the biggest sporting events in the world to watch them bum the shit out of us. Western Samoa beat us in 1991 and 8 years later they ganged up with the rest of Samoa to beat us again and this time during a World Cup that we were hosting! 2007 saw Fiji send us home which led to me, Peter Devonald and 400 Welsh people milling around Marseilles for the quarter finals with no Welsh team to support.

Here at the Coop there is trepidation of Japan holding the 2019 World cup. The Rooster has been there for a rugby game before and the whole event was staged fantastically. Hopefully this win against Wales will raise the profile of the sport and even more so that they get a few more high level scalps before and during the competition.

Above: Instead of Western rugby cultures usual two fingers of beer, Japan's scrum half Yoshi Yakamoto is taken outside to be beheaded for drinking with his right hand....

As for Wales? I disagree fundamentally with some tosspot on twitter who wanted Wales to hand back their caps. Honour plays a huge part in the Japanese psyche, the Welsh players deserved their caps and they know, as do we what an honour it is to play at any level for their country. There is no point in falling on their swords but some good old fashioned Japanese humility is in need and an opportunity to learn from this experience. 

Lesbians on the beach....i mean Rugby for beginners.......

Us at the Coop were a little disconcerted yesterday when we checked the search terms that guided people to this wonderful site - these are the top 5 and I am not making this up

Lesbians on the beach
Swansea sluts
Swansea girls and pulling
fat bloke
love chickens ( I know - someone out there typed in love chickens and actually meant just that)

With this in mind we have asked a new contributor Mr Andy Slagg to inform any newcomers to the page and rugby about the sport we love.....

Rugby for the Beginner

 

Rugby is a simple game, 15 players do battle against 16.  Although your team should be different shapes and sizes, they can be classed as follows... Your team is made up of 8 piano shifters and 7 piano players.  Piano shifters are the big strong lads whose knuckles drag lower to the ground than most. Piano players are what tend to look like girls with testicles... Unless any are called George, Jamie or Manu...

 

No matter which side you play on, the ref seems to be supporting the other team... You start by kicking the ball away to the opposition, and spend the next 40 minutes trying to get it back. Players go forward by passing the ball backwards until someone knocks the ball forward.

 

Once this happens, 8 of your forwards (piano shifters) get together in a scrum and try to push the other forwards off the ball. This is not a 'cwtch' 'cuddle' or Huddle. If you suffer from paranoid tendencies, don't worry they are not talking about you.  Their number 9 puts the ball in at an angle to stop your players getting at it. Once the scrum pushes, heaves and collapses several times, the ref calls a penalty try and gives one of your players a rest for 10 minutes.

 

The numbers 9 and 10 are called 'halves'. They are whole people and don't count as one between them. Their job is to get the ball to the 'three quarters', of which there are only another two.  Wings are players that try to attack in-field, leaving hookers (not to be confused with women met on stag do's) out on the wing to attack. Your full back is the guy in the opposition half who is trying to get back the ball he kicked 20 seconds ago.

 

The whole point is to score a 'try'. this is when you touch the ball on the ground behind the posts, after which your kicker gets to kick the ball over the bar.  If the ref is the remotely bit unsure, he asks another official to watch it on TV instead.

 

My final part is for Welsh people and the need to decide who you want to support. The Rooster tells me that if you live in any other country please feel free to send in info on teams there. If you live in Cardiff, you will support the Blues. If you live in the valleys, you will support anyone BUT the Blues. If you live by Newport or have an ugly wife you will support the Dragons. If you come from Swansea or from the Swansea Valley, then Ospreys is your team. If your a Gog, Turk, Cardie, or don't know much about rugby, then Scarlets is your team.

 

Rugby must be accompanied with a can of beer and fast food. Failure to follow this essential step will severely effect your rugby experience.

 

Now that you're almost an expert, give it a go!

Starting off my tour by the Viking war leader - King of the Hawkmen!!

Not content with just sending Lovechickens to Australia to live and build their lives just in order to have sleeper agents ready for the Lions Tour, we are sparing no expense (because we are not paying) in sending one of our American Lovechickens (and with it our heaviest, hairiest and worst behaved) over there as well - reports to follow but here is one we received this morning!!

Above: Big Doug and long suffering wife prepare to do battle....

Dateline: June 5th 2013

Location: Delta SKY Club, Los Angeles Airport

Time: 1930 local

Am sipping my 5th drink after spending 5.5 hours drinking from Atlanta to Los Angeles. In 3 hours I will be westward bound for Oz (and 14 more hours of drinking – I am woefully out of shape) and after a short connecting flight and numerous more libations, I will once again be in Brisbane in the land of Oz, where men are manly and the sheep are scared, currently being overrun by the Barmy Army (sort of like a modern Mongol hoard).  But no worries lads, I have Hawkmen in reserve if the going gets tough!

A small worry, I forgot my Viking war Leader hat – will have to procure one for the tour – Spence will know where the local Viking shop is I am sure ( I procured it during an invasion of New Orleans many years ago). Without it I may be taken for just another aging desperado, looking for a soft place to fall.

I am eagerly anticipating seeing Spence for happy hour Friday at the Pig and Whistle , storming the gates of the Castlemaine Brewery Saturday afternoon prior to once again braving the crowds and invading the pubs on Caxton street prior to the match. Hoping the Reds give them a good match – I think they will, but I doubt the result is going to be much of a mystery.

If you don’t hear from me again before Tuesdays match, As Warren Zevon sang so eloquently many years ago “send lawyers guns and money, the shit has hit the fan”.

Above: THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING!!!

Big Doug, Viking War Leader, LC #49

Away from the Lions for one moment...

Above: Roger Lewis - 'DECIMATE-O REGIONALIS!'

 

The WRU treat the regions like a school boy who is good at every subject except chemistry treats chemistry. The kid is shit at it so he doesn’t bother trying to get any better, making it worse until he fails, he tells everybody in the chemistry department that he really is going to get on with sorting it out but doesn’t Why should he? he is doing well on every subject and everybody is patting him on the back congratulating him on it……..i think I nearly lost even myself then.

 

Roger Lewis (How you would imagine Harry Potter would look like when he’d grown up) doesn’t like to talk about the regions although saying that, the more he does talk, the more he sounds like a demented, less sincere form of Tony Blair, the less I want him to talk about anything. Both he and David Pickering seem only to care about paying off the mortgage on the Millennium Stadium, which in a way is great but by the time he has done it, Welsh rugby in Wales will be dead and the only time we will get to fill it will be when 1 direction come out of retirement and the 50 year olds sing their greatest hit to gushing post menopausal valleys women. All our players will be playing in France or England, we will be like the Fiji of the Northern Hemisphere without sunshine, decent beaches and military coups.

 

below: Roger to Dai Pickering 'haha and ive got shares in Quantas....'



 



The reason I mention the regions? – well it was the draw for the European cups yesterday and unless our regions were drawn with each other, Edinburgh and some Italians then all calculations would have seen all of our teams in a ‘Group of Death’. Exeter I hear you shout? Include them in that list if you want but they did beat the Scarlets home and away in the last competition. The thing is the cup is getting harder and harder and it is leaving us behind – sometime there are chinks of light but they are over 1 game and not over a period of time. It doesn’t help that those mony grabbing twats try and hinder the regions as often as possible – their latest is to organise the next part of the twice fortnightly game against the Australians a week before European cup matches…stupid stupid selfish twats.

To be honest if I was a Welsh region I wouldn’t have minded being in that Zebre Connaught group but hey ho we were probably the same seeds as at least one of them. Cardiff have got a better group while the O’s….well fargin hell..Scarlets will have to hope that the French teams are having a shit time in the Top 14 and send over their seconds or they are in the shit as well. Even the Dragons have Bath in the Amlin although if you want a team who will be shitting it – it will be the Madrid team that play away against Stade Francais…

Have I got any quick fix solutions for our ails – of course not – if I did – I wouldn’t be sat in a darkened room with pornfinder on my screen and a packet of burger bites from spar and a sock for company. I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams, on my yacht off the coast of Port Talbot, drinking champagne flutes of Rev. James bitter, surrounded by models that looked like June Whitfield when she was younger and the blonde bird from Transvision vamp. Chris Ashton would be my butler, dressed as a baby and would answer to my call of ‘here twat’………..

above: 'here twat, swallow dive yourself over to the fridge and get me and Wendy James here, a 'fab' and a Strawberry miffy'

what Glen Webbe wouldve said.....

Cardiff sitting with no other than Glen ‘the gloves’ Webbe. The Beverly is well know to Lovechickens as the place we were going to have breakfast in after one of the Lions tests in 2005 until we’d found out that Big Will had taken a shit in one of the sinks and if that wasn’t bad enough when we all left he decided to chase us with a dead squirrel although we still had a better time on that day than that twat Clive Woodward. There was agreement in the pub that we all loved Leigh Halfpenny, BODs still got it and that Heaslip was man of the match.

Above: Glen the Glove - great player - He loved it when I mentioned that he was playing when I first saw Wales play but not so much when I mentioned it was when we lost to Romania in 1988 and on that day he was crap.....

Enjoyable and nice – what else can we say – lots of players performing and we have got an absolute humdinger of a battle for the centre spots and for the back row. The Rooster watched it with Jez in the Beverley Pub in

I think that all looked strong except for the front row where Best was invisible, Healy was hungry (according to the citing official anyway)and Dan Cole wouldn’t have looked out of place with the second string Western Force team opposite. Talking about Western Force, there was also discussion that one of the gutsiest players on the pitch was their scrum half – Sheehan or as Jez called him fat Peter Stringer, he was all over the place and really made the game. It’s a shame that they put a seconds team on because they have a No contact/No scrums/just running around with no ref game (super 15) soon. If the Aussies aren’t careful and this carries on the Lions just wont come to them – remember it was only South Africa and New Zealand before 1989 and in 12 years time whose to say that Argentina wont get the nod. Tradition is important to rugby, everybody plays each other too many times, the Lions are a rarity and God bless them for it. Lets hope what Spenny says is correct and they are in for a shock on Saturday.

Above: 'ok, I want the 2 black blokes on my left, the camp bald bloke with his hands on his hips and that twat with the sun glasses....ok congratulations guys you've been selected for Western Force...youre playing on Saturday' the coach of Western Force goes into town to select is 5ths for the Lions tour

High points and Questions:

I thought Geoff Parling did a great job when he came on as did Vunipola.

 

North – can he actually look in or outside him?

 

Why did Alun Wyn Jones get yellow carded when I picked him for my fantasy rugby side this week? Its selfish and not needed.

When Rob Howley gives a press conference why does he look like he is about to break down in tears?

If anyone is doing fantasy rugby with ESPN and they want to join our ‘Breakfast of Champions ‘ league our pin is 21610 – no cocks allowed

Parochial? us? not on your Nelly - here's Spenny, one of our intrepid Lovechickens on the ground...

The time has flown since I first started planning for this Lions tour last year, and now it's happening. This week. To say I'm excited is an understatement. In less than five days Big Doug and his raiding party will be the first people from my former life to visit me in this great land, and we'll be sharing a beer like old times.

Above: Queensland Red Gill and HA! a vest...what a flaming Galah!!

Despite being lucky enough to tour Australia with the Love Chickens elite in 2003, I missed out on experiencing the famous "Sea of Red" in 2001. So the thought that I'll be a droplet in the 2013 Sea of Red, not once but twice, is damn near making me soil myself. My only problem is, and this goes for many people in Brisbane, the great Club versus Country dilemma.

Yes I, like dozens of ex-pats who live here, am a Queensland Reds season ticket holder. I bloody love the Reds. I go to all the home games, I wear the replica shirt, I have the car sticker, the signed team poster at my desk, I've even handed my bemused infant son over to several of them to have his photo taken. So I've thought, how do I show support for the team that I'm fanatic about this coming Saturday, when they face the mighty British and Irish Lions? Do I wear my Lions shirt, and my Reds member's baseball cap? Or scarf?

Do I fuck. I'm British. I'm a rugby fan. And this weekend I'll be supporting the British and Irish Lions. I can support the Reds for the next 11 years until the Lions come back again.

But don't forget Lions fans - the Reds have seven players named in the Wallabies squad; Faingaa, Gill, Genia, Horwill, Simmons, Slipper and Ioane, (second only to the Waratahs with ten). All but Ioane are likely to turn out for the Reds on Saturday. And then of course there's big Radike Samo, and a certain man called Quade, who might also have something to prove to Robbie Deans. So don't expect a Barbarians-style walkover. This, and the following week's game against the 'Tahs, will be the dress rehearsals for the real thing so the Lions need to be on their mettle.

Tell me you're not excited too.

One down.....

 



 

Above: Maldwyn Pugh, Head of Lions hair and make up described having to keep perms going in 95% 

Humitidy as a challenge for his skills and his GHD straighteners

So we have arrived and the Lions have started and finished their first game of their tour down under. A victorious win and no real problems.

Twitter was awash with people slagging off Farrell and most of that came from people this side of the border. I agree that Farrell didn’t have the best of games and some of the errors would have seen him on any other rugby tour drinking a pint of top shelf/piss on top of a chair while the rest of the team sang ‘how was he born so beautiful’.

The amount of shit he had was undeserved and what we must remember is that everybody can have a bad day. The last thing he or the Lions need are so called supporters moaning like fuck just because of a bad day at the office. He doesn’t help himself though – I thought he reacted pretty fairly to what was a huge elbow in the head from Brits, it was just the clapping and laughing as his Saracens team mate received the yellow that really gripped my shit.

Elsewhere even knobhead Stuart Barnes seemed enthusiastic about the performances of the Welsh players. While there are calls from the one eyed out there that amiable plodder Robshaw should be in the team, I think someone who is unluckier in the world of rugby is Tipuric as no matter how well he plays…and he played superbly yesterday, he is under study to Warburton. Phillips was man of the match and deservedly so – he was a terrier and when he is like that he can be a huge menace. Ritchie Gray, Hogg and Davies put in good shifts too. I can’t mention everybody but pretty much everybody but Farrell had good games, especially so when considering 95% humidity and Farrell was hardly akin to an Arthur Emyr drop goal attempt.

So on to Australia, land of ……well, mullets and vests and adding an ‘o’ to the end of everybodies name….oo and Dame Edna Everage....

Questions –

 

Why were there empty seats in the stadium - I heard the cheapest were something like £70 - way to go attracting new supporters - its not as if Hong Kong is part of one of the most populous countries in the world with one of the fastest and biggest growing economies - don't tell me Roger Lewis is giving them advice as well....

How injured is Warburton?

Will Farrell get his head into gear?

Will Jonathan Davies playing himself into the test side?

Who will be the first Lion to get yellow – Phillips? Farrell?

Anybody out there think they have the name of the dirt tracker captain?

Lions paws and strangers fingers........

I will always remember where I was when the Lions squad of 2013 was announced, you would though, when you were having your arse fingered by a stranger. No I haven’t moved to the other side of the scrum I was having a prostate examination. Being fingered, like rugby league and All-Bran is something I don’t think I will ever take to but it was a moment in my life I won’t be forgetting in a hurry even after the 9 showers I have had since half eleven.

Above: No, that looks fine up there sir although we are going to have to talk about your wiping skills

I would suggest it was a momentous day for the good and the great of British and Irish rugby with the announcement of the lions to go to Australia. I am not going into complete ins and outs – I will leave that to you and the message page but let’s look at a few.

2 fly halves

I think this is a stupid decision – it means that both will have to be in the match day 22 for every game!! Hook or Wilkinson should have gone – for a fly half its about how a player is playing now – they won’t have time to build up their game and as the weekend showed Hook and Lord sir Jonny obe kbe fbe rbe tbe hsg ba hons still are performing at the top of their game. Maybe this is me with my old fashioned rugby head on but there is no flair there at fly half, neither player gives me a hard on and everybody likes those.

Omissions, top blokes and twats

Already mentioned fly halves but twitter showed the twat side of welsh rugby fans this morning with the gloating over the leaving out of Robshaw. I don’t understand – no one loves English defeat more than me – but Robshaw does not deserve it. As a player, looking at the competition, most people would accept that he would’ve struggled to be in the team but as a captain and person he shows class and humility and anybody should feel sorry for him….not for Ashton though he really does sound like a massive cock and cant tackle.

Personally I think a lot of Jockinese players should feel aggrieved especially Visser. Some of their players would’ve thrived behind a dominant pack and key decision makers. I also think that Rory Best, Ryan Jones, Joe Launchbury, Dan Biggar, Zebo can feel a little upset.

Past Lions teams have thrown up painful feelings as I have had to support a team consisting of  Will Carling, Austin Healy or Mat Dawson but I did manage it and with the last 2 especially, enjoyed it so I suppose I will get over the fact that I want to go and punch the telly everytime that twat Dylan Hartley makes an appearance.

Leaders – grizzly or not

If anymore grizzly Irish old heads were to be included I would’ve expected to see Willy John McBride, Mike Gibson and the man who looked a lot like an alky, Dennis Hickie to be on the plane. But people like BOD and Poc are needed, they have toured before and more importantly they have toured with the Lions before. There are questions over Sam Warburton’s captaincy, he is a great leader and ‘old Flat top’ is correct when he says that he is the most successful captain over the last few years but competition will be hard for his position – could he lose his place but keep his overall captaincy?

So I know there were a few shocks but can we argue too much with this selection and as fans of British and Irish rugby we would hope that the best 15 can do a job – what is good is that I don’t think the Aussies are too concerned about this team which will ensure the team pulls together and let’s hope that the tour and the series is an absolute humdinger……and the Lions win.