learning i am.......

I have read a lot of blogs, thought pieces and newspaper items about what we learnt about the Lions after the first test.

This is what I learnt:

1. That the referee was a complete dicksplash who wanted to listen to the sound of his own whistle or voice rather than concern himself with the triviality of say…a spectacle which millions of people cared about and a point in history in the sport of Rugby Union.
2. Eating 4 packs of jaffa cakes because they are easier to eat there and then rather than getting up from the sofa and making toast will make you violently sick.
3. Just because you are a raging alky does not mean you can’t come off the bench and play like a legend.
4. That in the end being an alky will affect your ability especially kicking.
5. That if you have a front row that is out performing the oppositions front row don’t take them all off with lots of time remaining and replace them with ones who under perform.
6. Don’t fuck around with Jonathan Davies’ knee.
7. Don't engage in banter with Scottish tramps
8. The Lions were lucky as fuck to win that test match and that we beat a team who played a forward in the centre, who weren’t meant to be able to scrummage and who even brought on someone who’s been in rehab in the second half.
9. I grunt when I bend over to tie my shoelaces.

Above: hat tip for Dai lailama but I would have put 'pull my finger'

That’s it from me – so gutted that Paul O Connell is out – he got through some work on Saturday. There was a lot of homework done on angry Mike Phillips and I think we need some ball winners on the floor – Croft is a great player but he is only that way when we have the ball – we have to win it first and Warburton cant do it all especially now POC is not there. Melbourne tomorrow– lets not try and fuck this up eh??

Aussies Come Second - Lions Second to Last, an alternative analysis by Andy Slagg

Now the dust has settled, we can dissect the game and see what it's all about. They complain about 'whinging Poms', but there are none that like losing least than the cons, err, sorry, the Aussies. They scored a mighty 21 points to a Lions measly 23, with their winger scoring the same number of tries as the whole of the lions team together. Their points tally was further thwarted by the posts bring in the wrong place, or another 14 points could have been scored. An official complaint has been filed to the local council.
Below: Kurtley Beale is auctioning off one of his magic daps from the first test

Even a lending hand from a benevolent ref couldn't help further, his last minute penalty was awarded as a Lions lock accidentally farted without prior permission. I have heard from Lovechicken HQ that they believe this unnamed player was lucky not to be red-carded in such circumstances. Ref Pollack was nearly awarded the freedom of Sydney too, and I'm not talking about some dodgy Australian bloke either.

 

From all accounts, their fans are taking this badly. They've stopped tying kangaroos down until further notice and top supermarket KMart has dropped the price of Anusol with all that buttock clenching. Our advice to Australians is to buy it in bulk as there's two more tests to go.

1st test - nuff said.....

Ok the fluff is out the way. The wheat has been cut from the chaff, the……the…….thing…..you know..the thing has been separated from the….um……..stuff and something something something. What I am trying to say is that this Saturday is the beginning of the real thing or as people from some parts of the Amman valley say – the full shumonkee.

Above: FIGHT!

Play has been great so far not withstanding the last game which was shit. However they only lost by 2 with some of a team that had had about 24 hours together to gel – even less time then a Barbarian side or of someone who has turned up with his boots and asked to make up a 14^th man for the away team. Kudos must go to Rory Best who was almost Welshman-like in his lineout throwing. Some people thought it was a joke to call up retired diminutive wizard Shane Williams, I didn’t, I loved it and it got people talking about the Lions. We had a lot of comments before the tour that Barrett and Twelvetrees were unlucky not to be going from the start and we can’t judge them on that performance and I think that the dirt trackers will need them, hell knowing Twelvetrees he’ll possibly looking for a test spot by the third. There were players pushing for test spots like Falatau and some from the bench that really should have calmed things down and showed some leadership but in the end its time to shrug shoulders and prepare for the main test.

 

Test side was picked in the early hours of this morning and I think that the only shocks were in the front row where Youngs replaced Hibbard and Vunipola was ousted by Corbisiero. People have been touting the Heaslip, Croft and Warburton partnership for a while now but if they had have chosen a back row consisting of O Brien, Falatau, Lydiate or Tipiric would we have been too gutted? The worry here is that Heaslip and Croft are great players but they aren’t the best at contesting the breakdown and we can’t just rely on Warburton for this – scared? Yeah I am a bit.

Above: Poor Cuthbert was so out of position during this move in training that they found him on the team bus

 

Cuthbert is the biggest concern even though he is one of the most dangerous attacking players on the planet. I can imagine that there will be people in the stadium selling beer and burgers with a finer defending ability. If he is targeted and targeted well, we should be in for a lot of trouble but thank Thor’s love eggs that we have someone great on the bench to come on and……what? Maitland? Eh? I don’t know, while of course the guy is talented and he does play wing and fullback but a Lions cap…….?

Other than Harold Bishop doing something with Charlene and Mrs Mangells dog the story coming out of the Aussie camp is new players especially Israel Foloa who seems to have found his way into the Wallabies side via Aussie Rules and that other rugby game which is played within an 8 mile radius in the north and of course down in Australia. The Aussies will be up for this, exciting fast pack with class backs – they even have the uber talented but uglier rugby player than Wayne Proctor and Mike Tindall, Kurtley Beale on the bench.

Above: Kurtley Beale turns up for training today

I remember the first Lions game I ever saw was the first test against the Australians in 1989 in a house in Goodwick, it was a strange sensation cheering on people like Moore, Richards, Underwood and Andrew, people I had wanted unfortunate minor accidents to happen to in previous seasons, playing alongside players I loved like Robert Jones and Ieuan Evans (I don’t want to talk about Mike Hall….). The result was a bumming of almost Elton John proportions but the Lions team came back, fought tooth and nail and made history. It is up to this Lions team to decide where they will be entered in the annals of rugby history but we know they have the talent to be the first team to win a Lions series in Australia for twenty four years and the first one to win a series against any team since 1997.

hard hitting FACTS revealed

Above: Not the start of the affair. Howley: 'don't make eye contact or they will know about us now just brush your hand against my jimmy........'

 

We at Lovechickens HQ can publish in this very blog probably one of the most hard-hitting exposes in the history of rugby. It seems that flat topped super coach Warren Gatland would rather choose ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown or annoying childrens presenter fm the 80s/90s Gaz Top to play for the Lions then the multi talented James Hook. Our non stop research, interviews and undercover filming, without doubt show, that James Hook did not have an affair with backs coach and on camera misery Rob Howley or with Warren Gatland’s wife, nan or auntie. We can further reveal that James Hook:

• Took no part in the printing of the dodgy dossier leading to the outbreak of the Iraq war.

• Did not bring the entire economy of the western world to the brink of collapse in 2008 leading to a worldwide depression not seen since the 1930s.

• Has not used poisonous gas against Syrian rebels.

• Did not hand the ball into the back of the net giving his country, Argentina, a 2-1 victory over England in a Kissball world cup.

• Has not killed loads of prostitutes in the most dreadful and gory way in the east end of London at the turn of the 19^th century.

• Was not born in Austria becoming a shit artist, be a corporal in the war, get interested in politics, write mein kampf in prison, grow a silly moustache, pushed the boundaries of legality in extending his borders, test all his gear in Spain, renege on lots of treaties, frolicked with blonde frauleins at his summer house, invade Poland, killed loads of people, have one ball, be at war with generally everybody except the Italians and the Japanese and Russia, until he invaded Russia and then retreated from Russia, shot his missus, shot himself.

Below: Look at this aggressive fucker - this was just before he was not going to punch a little girl or a kitten or Felicity Kendall

Therefore the question must be asked...

 

WHAT THE FUCK HAS JAMES HOOK DONE?

Gracious in Defeat, Humble in Victory... (by Chezneyboi)

'Not all of the sleeper agents we sent to live in Australia passed their diplomacy module.......'

 

Just like Spenny, home is now Australia. I am in Regional Victoria, 2-hrs outside Melbourne. It's Aussie Rules land and they are stunned by my ability to kick a ball off the floor, but I did get a touch rugby game going once a week in the summer (always 25+ degrees) with boys who have never played. Of course, my team are always Wales, the locals love it.

 

I've not watched either Lions game yet because of (a) Jet-lag on Saturday, which yes I agree is for girls, but fuck you, and (b) because the State of Origin was on Wednesday night and no fucker in the pub would let me turn the telly over. My Lions coverage so far has been from BBC Sport website (excellent), the Official Lions App (absolutely wank) and this wonderful blog.

 

Now, I wonder if I can masochistically hold-out on watching a game until the first test? No, I will get bollocksed this Saturday night in a bar in Melbourne and shout at the telly and shout at the locals.

 

I doubt it will get as intense as Wales vs Ireland in the World Cup where, in a St Kilda bar called something like "Toothless Potato Farmer O' Murphy's", in a moment of utter catharsis I jumped on a table, got my dick out and passionately called a table of 15-20 particularly vocal Irish Girls a "pack of cunts" as Mike Phillips leapt over in the blindside corner.

 
Above: Justin 'plank' Harrison counting the 104 hairs left on Healeys head - Austin still owes some of us in Coop HQ a pound that he bet against the recent Wales win....
 

I think the game I am really looking forward to though is the Brumbies game. That will be the first  official outing of the Dirt Trackers, the Tuesday before the first test. There was a massive rivalry developed there in 2001 (Healy, Dawson and "The Ape" Justin Harrison) and I think it will flow nicely into 2013.

what Glen Webbe wouldve said.....

Cardiff sitting with no other than Glen ‘the gloves’ Webbe. The Beverly is well know to Lovechickens as the place we were going to have breakfast in after one of the Lions tests in 2005 until we’d found out that Big Will had taken a shit in one of the sinks and if that wasn’t bad enough when we all left he decided to chase us with a dead squirrel although we still had a better time on that day than that twat Clive Woodward. There was agreement in the pub that we all loved Leigh Halfpenny, BODs still got it and that Heaslip was man of the match.

Above: Glen the Glove - great player - He loved it when I mentioned that he was playing when I first saw Wales play but not so much when I mentioned it was when we lost to Romania in 1988 and on that day he was crap.....

Enjoyable and nice – what else can we say – lots of players performing and we have got an absolute humdinger of a battle for the centre spots and for the back row. The Rooster watched it with Jez in the Beverley Pub in

I think that all looked strong except for the front row where Best was invisible, Healy was hungry (according to the citing official anyway)and Dan Cole wouldn’t have looked out of place with the second string Western Force team opposite. Talking about Western Force, there was also discussion that one of the gutsiest players on the pitch was their scrum half – Sheehan or as Jez called him fat Peter Stringer, he was all over the place and really made the game. It’s a shame that they put a seconds team on because they have a No contact/No scrums/just running around with no ref game (super 15) soon. If the Aussies aren’t careful and this carries on the Lions just wont come to them – remember it was only South Africa and New Zealand before 1989 and in 12 years time whose to say that Argentina wont get the nod. Tradition is important to rugby, everybody plays each other too many times, the Lions are a rarity and God bless them for it. Lets hope what Spenny says is correct and they are in for a shock on Saturday.

Above: 'ok, I want the 2 black blokes on my left, the camp bald bloke with his hands on his hips and that twat with the sun glasses....ok congratulations guys you've been selected for Western Force...youre playing on Saturday' the coach of Western Force goes into town to select is 5ths for the Lions tour

High points and Questions:

I thought Geoff Parling did a great job when he came on as did Vunipola.

 

North – can he actually look in or outside him?

 

Why did Alun Wyn Jones get yellow carded when I picked him for my fantasy rugby side this week? Its selfish and not needed.

When Rob Howley gives a press conference why does he look like he is about to break down in tears?

If anyone is doing fantasy rugby with ESPN and they want to join our ‘Breakfast of Champions ‘ league our pin is 21610 – no cocks allowed

view from the other side of the World - Spenny

So that's job done in Perth.  Well done lads, go and have a beer.  Enjoy it.

But when you're a collection of some of the best players in the Northern Hemisphere, you really should be tupping a scraped-together side of inexperienced club players.  Saturday's game against the Reds, however, will be a different prospect altogether.

Even if they don't risk all of their first team, the Reds squad has huge depth, and what they've shown throughout this Super Rugby competition is that they can win games purely by tackling their opponents into submission.  Team selection permitting, the Lions can expect some very big hits from the pack in the shape of Saia Faingaa, Beau Robinson, Jake Schatz, Eddie Quirk and big Radike Samo.  Saia's been my player of the season so far and has more than earned his spot in the Wallabies squad.  Beau reminds me of Neil Back, while Eddie Quirk is evocative of the heady days of Mick "The Munch" Skinner.  The back line's no slouch either, with monsters like Anthony Faingaa and Ben Tapu'ai who've been smashing people all season.

Don't get me wrong, I think the Lions should win it - especially if the Reds rest some of their big names - but I also predict that this will be their first real test.  Albeit with a lower case 't'.

One down.....

 



 

Above: Maldwyn Pugh, Head of Lions hair and make up described having to keep perms going in 95% 

Humitidy as a challenge for his skills and his GHD straighteners

So we have arrived and the Lions have started and finished their first game of their tour down under. A victorious win and no real problems.

Twitter was awash with people slagging off Farrell and most of that came from people this side of the border. I agree that Farrell didn’t have the best of games and some of the errors would have seen him on any other rugby tour drinking a pint of top shelf/piss on top of a chair while the rest of the team sang ‘how was he born so beautiful’.

The amount of shit he had was undeserved and what we must remember is that everybody can have a bad day. The last thing he or the Lions need are so called supporters moaning like fuck just because of a bad day at the office. He doesn’t help himself though – I thought he reacted pretty fairly to what was a huge elbow in the head from Brits, it was just the clapping and laughing as his Saracens team mate received the yellow that really gripped my shit.

Elsewhere even knobhead Stuart Barnes seemed enthusiastic about the performances of the Welsh players. While there are calls from the one eyed out there that amiable plodder Robshaw should be in the team, I think someone who is unluckier in the world of rugby is Tipuric as no matter how well he plays…and he played superbly yesterday, he is under study to Warburton. Phillips was man of the match and deservedly so – he was a terrier and when he is like that he can be a huge menace. Ritchie Gray, Hogg and Davies put in good shifts too. I can’t mention everybody but pretty much everybody but Farrell had good games, especially so when considering 95% humidity and Farrell was hardly akin to an Arthur Emyr drop goal attempt.

So on to Australia, land of ……well, mullets and vests and adding an ‘o’ to the end of everybodies name….oo and Dame Edna Everage....

Questions –

 

Why were there empty seats in the stadium - I heard the cheapest were something like £70 - way to go attracting new supporters - its not as if Hong Kong is part of one of the most populous countries in the world with one of the fastest and biggest growing economies - don't tell me Roger Lewis is giving them advice as well....

How injured is Warburton?

Will Farrell get his head into gear?

Will Jonathan Davies playing himself into the test side?

Who will be the first Lion to get yellow – Phillips? Farrell?

Anybody out there think they have the name of the dirt tracker captain?

Lions paws and strangers fingers........

I will always remember where I was when the Lions squad of 2013 was announced, you would though, when you were having your arse fingered by a stranger. No I haven’t moved to the other side of the scrum I was having a prostate examination. Being fingered, like rugby league and All-Bran is something I don’t think I will ever take to but it was a moment in my life I won’t be forgetting in a hurry even after the 9 showers I have had since half eleven.

Above: No, that looks fine up there sir although we are going to have to talk about your wiping skills

I would suggest it was a momentous day for the good and the great of British and Irish rugby with the announcement of the lions to go to Australia. I am not going into complete ins and outs – I will leave that to you and the message page but let’s look at a few.

2 fly halves

I think this is a stupid decision – it means that both will have to be in the match day 22 for every game!! Hook or Wilkinson should have gone – for a fly half its about how a player is playing now – they won’t have time to build up their game and as the weekend showed Hook and Lord sir Jonny obe kbe fbe rbe tbe hsg ba hons still are performing at the top of their game. Maybe this is me with my old fashioned rugby head on but there is no flair there at fly half, neither player gives me a hard on and everybody likes those.

Omissions, top blokes and twats

Already mentioned fly halves but twitter showed the twat side of welsh rugby fans this morning with the gloating over the leaving out of Robshaw. I don’t understand – no one loves English defeat more than me – but Robshaw does not deserve it. As a player, looking at the competition, most people would accept that he would’ve struggled to be in the team but as a captain and person he shows class and humility and anybody should feel sorry for him….not for Ashton though he really does sound like a massive cock and cant tackle.

Personally I think a lot of Jockinese players should feel aggrieved especially Visser. Some of their players would’ve thrived behind a dominant pack and key decision makers. I also think that Rory Best, Ryan Jones, Joe Launchbury, Dan Biggar, Zebo can feel a little upset.

Past Lions teams have thrown up painful feelings as I have had to support a team consisting of  Will Carling, Austin Healy or Mat Dawson but I did manage it and with the last 2 especially, enjoyed it so I suppose I will get over the fact that I want to go and punch the telly everytime that twat Dylan Hartley makes an appearance.

Leaders – grizzly or not

If anymore grizzly Irish old heads were to be included I would’ve expected to see Willy John McBride, Mike Gibson and the man who looked a lot like an alky, Dennis Hickie to be on the plane. But people like BOD and Poc are needed, they have toured before and more importantly they have toured with the Lions before. There are questions over Sam Warburton’s captaincy, he is a great leader and ‘old Flat top’ is correct when he says that he is the most successful captain over the last few years but competition will be hard for his position – could he lose his place but keep his overall captaincy?

So I know there were a few shocks but can we argue too much with this selection and as fans of British and Irish rugby we would hope that the best 15 can do a job – what is good is that I don’t think the Aussies are too concerned about this team which will ensure the team pulls together and let’s hope that the tour and the series is an absolute humdinger……and the Lions win.