Lesbians on the beach....i mean Rugby for beginners.......

Us at the Coop were a little disconcerted yesterday when we checked the search terms that guided people to this wonderful site - these are the top 5 and I am not making this up

Lesbians on the beach
Swansea sluts
Swansea girls and pulling
fat bloke
love chickens ( I know - someone out there typed in love chickens and actually meant just that)

With this in mind we have asked a new contributor Mr Andy Slagg to inform any newcomers to the page and rugby about the sport we love.....

Rugby for the Beginner

 

Rugby is a simple game, 15 players do battle against 16.  Although your team should be different shapes and sizes, they can be classed as follows... Your team is made up of 8 piano shifters and 7 piano players.  Piano shifters are the big strong lads whose knuckles drag lower to the ground than most. Piano players are what tend to look like girls with testicles... Unless any are called George, Jamie or Manu...

 

No matter which side you play on, the ref seems to be supporting the other team... You start by kicking the ball away to the opposition, and spend the next 40 minutes trying to get it back. Players go forward by passing the ball backwards until someone knocks the ball forward.

 

Once this happens, 8 of your forwards (piano shifters) get together in a scrum and try to push the other forwards off the ball. This is not a 'cwtch' 'cuddle' or Huddle. If you suffer from paranoid tendencies, don't worry they are not talking about you.  Their number 9 puts the ball in at an angle to stop your players getting at it. Once the scrum pushes, heaves and collapses several times, the ref calls a penalty try and gives one of your players a rest for 10 minutes.

 

The numbers 9 and 10 are called 'halves'. They are whole people and don't count as one between them. Their job is to get the ball to the 'three quarters', of which there are only another two.  Wings are players that try to attack in-field, leaving hookers (not to be confused with women met on stag do's) out on the wing to attack. Your full back is the guy in the opposition half who is trying to get back the ball he kicked 20 seconds ago.

 

The whole point is to score a 'try'. this is when you touch the ball on the ground behind the posts, after which your kicker gets to kick the ball over the bar.  If the ref is the remotely bit unsure, he asks another official to watch it on TV instead.

 

My final part is for Welsh people and the need to decide who you want to support. The Rooster tells me that if you live in any other country please feel free to send in info on teams there. If you live in Cardiff, you will support the Blues. If you live in the valleys, you will support anyone BUT the Blues. If you live by Newport or have an ugly wife you will support the Dragons. If you come from Swansea or from the Swansea Valley, then Ospreys is your team. If your a Gog, Turk, Cardie, or don't know much about rugby, then Scarlets is your team.

 

Rugby must be accompanied with a can of beer and fast food. Failure to follow this essential step will severely effect your rugby experience.

 

Now that you're almost an expert, give it a go!

Away from the Lions for one moment...

Above: Roger Lewis - 'DECIMATE-O REGIONALIS!'

 

The WRU treat the regions like a school boy who is good at every subject except chemistry treats chemistry. The kid is shit at it so he doesn’t bother trying to get any better, making it worse until he fails, he tells everybody in the chemistry department that he really is going to get on with sorting it out but doesn’t Why should he? he is doing well on every subject and everybody is patting him on the back congratulating him on it……..i think I nearly lost even myself then.

 

Roger Lewis (How you would imagine Harry Potter would look like when he’d grown up) doesn’t like to talk about the regions although saying that, the more he does talk, the more he sounds like a demented, less sincere form of Tony Blair, the less I want him to talk about anything. Both he and David Pickering seem only to care about paying off the mortgage on the Millennium Stadium, which in a way is great but by the time he has done it, Welsh rugby in Wales will be dead and the only time we will get to fill it will be when 1 direction come out of retirement and the 50 year olds sing their greatest hit to gushing post menopausal valleys women. All our players will be playing in France or England, we will be like the Fiji of the Northern Hemisphere without sunshine, decent beaches and military coups.

 

below: Roger to Dai Pickering 'haha and ive got shares in Quantas....'



 



The reason I mention the regions? – well it was the draw for the European cups yesterday and unless our regions were drawn with each other, Edinburgh and some Italians then all calculations would have seen all of our teams in a ‘Group of Death’. Exeter I hear you shout? Include them in that list if you want but they did beat the Scarlets home and away in the last competition. The thing is the cup is getting harder and harder and it is leaving us behind – sometime there are chinks of light but they are over 1 game and not over a period of time. It doesn’t help that those mony grabbing twats try and hinder the regions as often as possible – their latest is to organise the next part of the twice fortnightly game against the Australians a week before European cup matches…stupid stupid selfish twats.

To be honest if I was a Welsh region I wouldn’t have minded being in that Zebre Connaught group but hey ho we were probably the same seeds as at least one of them. Cardiff have got a better group while the O’s….well fargin hell..Scarlets will have to hope that the French teams are having a shit time in the Top 14 and send over their seconds or they are in the shit as well. Even the Dragons have Bath in the Amlin although if you want a team who will be shitting it – it will be the Madrid team that play away against Stade Francais…

Have I got any quick fix solutions for our ails – of course not – if I did – I wouldn’t be sat in a darkened room with pornfinder on my screen and a packet of burger bites from spar and a sock for company. I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams, on my yacht off the coast of Port Talbot, drinking champagne flutes of Rev. James bitter, surrounded by models that looked like June Whitfield when she was younger and the blonde bird from Transvision vamp. Chris Ashton would be my butler, dressed as a baby and would answer to my call of ‘here twat’………..

above: 'here twat, swallow dive yourself over to the fridge and get me and Wendy James here, a 'fab' and a Strawberry miffy'