vive le.....well not much difference...

Above: Zut alors je suis tres lazy et un complete cock mais du temps en temps je suis a rugby playing god (shrug)
The French are a weird lot aren’t they. Bent by Tonga, nearly beaten by a 14 man Wales in a semi and then play so well in the final that they nearly win. News from the camp was that Leivremental was as popular as finding out that you’d booked Gary Glitter the clown for your kids birthday party. Now we see that they have kept 12 of the side from the world cup squad with the uncapped Wesley Fofana coming in for a start against Italy. This team smacks of continuity for the win rather than a team for the future seeing that the youngest of the front 5 is the prop Debaty. Has Nallet the touch of Simon Shaw of him with no Frenchmen pushing - if yes then he will be around 40 for the next world cup. The reason I think is that Sant Andre will leave building to be a continuous plan and the most important thing for this 6 nations will be to win and to do that you don’t leave out grizzled vets like Nallet, Harinordoquy, Pape, Servat and Mas. Sorry I have read this back and realised I have been writing about the French and have forgotten to comment on wondering what team will turn up………

he's not delon Armitage - he's a very naughty boy!!

Above: see the club thing wasnt an isolated event - he's high tackling in this picture - boo!!

Thank you Delon - just when Leivremental had fucked off and Gavin Henson had ran out of stupid things to do you come along and make things right again. Instead of Welsh players going out on a massive shant while training for an international tournament Delon does and now is dropped from the Saxons after getting into an altercation in a club in Exeter. If we are being honest its probably a bit of naughty fisticuffs and the victim was a footballer who went down because Delon looked in his direction.

Above: Delon and his 'crew' before they went out on the rob during the London riots - boo!!

Other news is that unknown English coach Lancaster is so fed up of being unknown that he has selected the new English captain..............sri about the wait but i have had to ggogle it - i have heard his name is......Tim? Tom? Tom Robinson? oh Chris Robshaw who plays rugby for some club or other who is even more unknown than him. Lancaster has named Mr John Smith as his backs coach and some bloke he met down the pub last week as defence.

above: Delon Armitage head butting. boo!!!

6 nations the return part 1

Its time to lay down your rock solid socks, throw away the tissues of shame and fold up those posters of Jessica Alba or June whitfield when she was really young because the 6 nations are back.

Ok I am excited – surely the 6 nations after a world cup is the most fun. January has nearly finished and I am sure we can say a joint ‘thank fuck for that’ but now is the time. Squads are getting picked and are settling in, discussions over game selection and prospects in upcoming matches will bring a twinge to even the most flaccid of jimmies (meaning penises or peni not Scottish people). Next week is the start and I cannot wait!

But what sort of 6 nations are ahead of us? We are well into a period of rugby history where squads and plans are built around success at world cups so therefore this is the start, the beginning of an adventure that will end in the lifting of the Web Ellis cup at Eton…I mean Twickers in 2016. A beginning definitely for England, France, Italy and Ireland. England are sneaking under the radar a bit. Lancaster may not be tested at International level but he seems to be bringing a bit of earthy honesty to an English team that during the world cup displayed an arrogance and twatness that made Will Carling seem like a down to earth working class hero. We Welsh need a cocky English side, it gives the games a bit more an edge, and it’s the rivalry we want. The world cup English team were akin to an embarrassing old drunken uncle at a family wedding who used to be a great lad crying in the corner having just shit his pants. England always have the players now it comes down to selection. As a Welshman I am gutted that they haven’t stuck with Shontayne ‘ed milliband in looks and talent’ Hape – he was so shit he could have made Arthur Emyr's drop goal look good. So now we have an England team on the cusp of renewal and that can only benefit the English and rugby in general.

And whilst chatting about renewal and change we move on the Froggy cach pots. The blog went into mourning once the world cup had ended when I realised Leivremental was leaving to run a pig farm in Saudi Arabia. I just didn’t have anybody to write about anymore but that was all sorted once Gatland picked Henson for Wales. Gavin has only played 80 more minutes of international rugby than me since March 2009 and is probably at this very moment trying to get onto celebrity masterchef or celebrity one man and his dog rather than thinking about rugby. Anyhoo the French. Many people might not agree but Philippe Sant André is ace and is respected as much as the French respect anything but not as much as burning life stock in a port, striking and the jaunt of a beret or a shrug of a shoulder. If things click I think its championship time for them, I’m looking forward to seeing what comes up. Italy also has a new coach and now is the time for them to move forward from the nearly misses. Its not going to happen this year but The Rooster has been over to Italy in the last month and can reveal that they have already sold over 52000 tickets for the England match which shows that maybe after 12 years the arse grabbing, living at home with their mothers, tight jean wearing show offs are starting to fall in love with the real beautiful game. After their defeat of France last year can they repeat that display against the English?

a tale of Fly Halves

Above: Leivremental looks over to the French bench to see who could come on for the 5th best fly half on the team

Did I say the Kiwis by 15? Sorry what I meant was that there would be 15 points scored and hey presto I was correct. What a final and what a performance by the 30 players on the pitch and the 23 fly halves that were carried off in scenes reminiscent of a Tanrantino film rather than the best sport on this earth. Well the French certainly came to spoil the party and was very close to do so – Harinordoquy was my man of the match – he was all over the field. Trinh-Duc was also superb when he came on, his glide through the All black defence was like Fuzzy Williams through a lasagne. They could’ve won it and my deep rooted sense of supporting the under dog almost wished they would have – almost but in the end I couldn’t do it. This was more than a rugby victory, it was a victory for a proud rugby loving, slip on shoes wearing, mullet growing, whitesnake loving, 80s loving nation. They deserved it and they have to be proud of this bunch of players and the coaching team. As a Welshman I felt very emotional when I saw Graham Henry being interviewed – he started our revolution and I will always thank him for that and he got what he deserved. They say that he shed a tear when Wales beat England in Wembleyin 1999 – if that’s the case he must have shit his pants through crying yesterday. McCaw was immense but I thought 93 year old Stephen Donald who came on and settled things down. This was a great final and the best team in the final won it – I look forward to the next time they win it in 2035.

The futures Black

Above: To many this is a symbol of a Kiwi riding a whale to lots of Lovechickens, Kiwis is a symbol of riding Whales

Well touché All Blacks – last week the only thing that choked on that pitch was Quade Cooper. The Kiwis looked like they should do – world beaters and that’s what they should be crowned on Sunday – all they have is the French infront of them. Look I keep on about this French team having one game in them well to be honest I hope they don’t – I don’t want a team that really didn’t play great rugby to make it there. Its not about great rugby in the knock out stages its about winning I hear you say – correct but did they play good rugby in the pool stages? – no they didn’t. People are on England’s case for shit behaviour well look over at the stropping petulant French and see how they have behaved. however I don’t really care about the fuss of having lost 2 of their pool games stopping a team getting to the final – that’s what the Rugby world should be heading for – when everybody in the pool has a chance of going through. I wont mention this mornings game but what it was was a big dose of reality for us in Wales – that doesn’t mean that we still aren’t a great side but shows we have a long way to go to keep being consistent.
Above: 'The heat is on' Richie Mccaw calls his mother on the newest phone in all new Zealand to say his foots better
So this Sunday I will be supporting the All Blacks because they deserve it, they may be very nervous which may let in France remembering that this is the Final and anything could happen but if form stays true I would put the kiwis by 15 but hey what the hell do I know.
Above: Richard Kahui and Ma Nonu get dressed up for a night in Auckland after their semi final win last Sunday
You may be a small country stuck in the 1980s but go All Blacks!!

Big Dougs opinion - musings of a giant yank

Above: Big Doug - In America Ho Ho HO means three prostitutes

Overview of the RWC
1. Terrific atmosphere, and no better place for the RWC than NZ as far as atmosphere is concerned– a country consumed by the AB’s. The people are friendly, always interested in if you are enjoying your stay (I got asked at least 100 times), and are all, every man woman and child, rugby gurus. If there is any downside, the scramble due to the loss of the stadium in Christchurch made for some hard traveling for some of us, but overall, every match in every pub played and replayed all day all night, the pubs were hopping, and every Kiwi supporter welcomed and applauded every supporter from every nation. Most matches were sold out, and there was great local support. The entire country had AB flags flying, and AB support demonstrated in many different was - Great stuff.
2. The USA did OK, and in some phases of the game, we actually played decently. The highlight for me though, was sitting in the stands in Wellington for the Australia match, and about 30 minutes in, as we ran with the ball in our own end, and kicked the ball away in the Wallaby half of the field, and right after our scrum half kicked away hard won turn over ball at the Wallaby 10 meter line, the Kiwi sitting next to me, asks me” Are you a Yank”, I replied “yes”, he asked “Do you boys have a coach?” … enough said. We played with heart and there is something to be said for that, but we simply do not have the skill or speed to compete at the top level. Skip and I both agreed though that we have no idea why we can’t do better scrummaging and in the line outs – both are areas where coaching should allow us to compete fairly evenly one would think. It was easy to see how speed killed us in Australia’s backs – they moved the ball so quickly that we simply were out paced frequently – they had no problem getting outside our defense on a straight back line movement from a set piece, no dummy runners, no skip passes, just fundamental back line play – move it quickly and accurately – and a try was frequently the result. I was proud of our efforts, and I think Clever is a world class talent (or close to it), but by and large, as we have discussed many times, the major rugby playing nations of the world can rest easy since the best athletes out our population of 330 million can get rich playing 4 other sports (and soccer is getting close now) and culturally, this will never appeal to the masses, just to the crazed exceptions like Skip and I. Regardless, are we a developing each RWC into a better side? I think so, what else can I ask for but to play hard, never quit and leave it all on the pitch? If you do that you can carry your head high.
3. The most enjoyable team I have watched is a tough one…but if you mean in person, and I assume you do, I saw the following teams in action live; Romania, Argentina, Scotland, Georgia, USA, Italy, Russia, England, Australia and New Zealand. We saw multiple combinations of these teams playing (Like England vs. Georgia, and Argentina, Argentina vs. Romania and Scotland and then NZ in the ¼’s etc.). The most fun team to watch for me was Argentina – two reasons, they played defense ferociously and tackled like demons – and their fans were absolutely terrific in the stands – the chanted constantly, had numerous songs and chants, and were rarely quiet – and talked about dedicated – they dressed for the match like it was Wellington Sevens (saw one guy with a Kiwi taped to his head, another with a female mannequin tied onto his shoulders) – and they were like all rugby players everywhere, terrific fun in the pub afterwards.
4. I’m not sure there was a shit team to watch, there were some shit matches, but even then, if you were in the stands, the atmosphere was still terrific – we were in the stands for two Aussie blowouts, USA and Russia (Wellington and Nelson) and both were fun to be in the stands for – and the pubs in Wellington after the USA-Wallaby match were just insane – great time.
5. The most enjoyable match for me was the Scotland – Argentina match – in the rain in Wellington (lots of that rain in NZ). Scotland was held in check by the Puma defense all night, and the Scots were in command due to penalty kicks, and then suddenly a reserve wing for the Pumas comes in, gets a ball wide on the wing, goes 1 on 4 (it was never on mate, not even close), and makes some great individual moves and all of a sudden the Pumas snatch a victory. I also really loved being in the stands for the ¼ final between the Pumas and the AB’s. I was sure the kiwi fans were under rating the Pumas defense, and I told all of those around me the same thing – but I also said the AB’s would wear them down. Really good atmosphere in the park (not as good as watching Wales in Millennium or the old Arms Park but close) and a good solid match.
6. As you know, NZ is a beautiful country, and we went all over it. From Auckland to Invercargill, with stops in Dunedin, Christchurch, Nelson, Kaikoura, Picton and Wellington (and who knows how many scenic vistas, lunch stops, emergency pub stops etc.). We saw some incredible sights, enjoyed a great drive thru the Alps as well as helicopter ride over them, watched Samoa – S. Africa in The Flying Haggis Pub in Picton (one of the best matches in the tournament), watched Skip play in an old boys match in Auckland (and he was the youngster on the side), traded jumpers in a clubhouse at the drink up and songfest later, just Skip and I and the youngsters from the Carleton Grammar Club, met Sir Wilson Whineray, All Black from 1957-68 and Capitan for 6 of those years (he attended the Harvard Business School after retiring from international rugby in 1968), met and chatted with Nick Mallet and Justin Marshall, introduced myself to Robbie Deans and Quade Cooper, saw numerous players demonstrate patience and kindness with their young fans – especially the wallabies, saw great rugby and mediocre rugby in great surroundings, stayed in God knows how many hotels and B&B’s, only had one accident driving on the left (but in Dev’s honor I terrorized Bruce when I drove), made lots of new friends, and drank untold quantities of beer. For comparison purposes, I’d say it was an extended Love Chicken Scottish trip…on steroids.

AB’s over France in the final – especially if they play with the intensity they did against the Aussies.

World cup reports

so over the next few weeks we at Lovechickens RFC will be asking for postings asking your opinion on the World cup - if i ask you its because you can type more than 'it was really good' - make an effort and be involved except you Chris Ashton and you Alain Rolland - you can go swivel

what? theres another game on tomorrow?

Above: refereeing todays winner takes all match between England and Scotland is Frenchman Fraser 'Wild Willy' McDonald - he's from Marseille but his mams from Hawick

Ok I’m feeling a little better now although I am still not too happy about the Wales France game being refereed by Irishman of French parents Alain Rolland. When we play the French in the 6 nations after the French beat the English in the previous round, I want the referee to be Englishman of Welsh parents, Dewi Owain Glyndwr Gwasanaethau Wrexham Cheese and Chips Severn Bridge Evans Jones and let’s see how things roll on that one.
Just want to quickly blog on tomorrows game – well not so much the game but how freaked out the kiwis seem to be about it. Everybody I talk to say that the New Zealanders are absolutely shitting themselves about choking and listening to Conrad Smith in a press conference confirmed that. There was no quiet confidence just a plain honesty about being worried – I don’t think I can ever remember a New Zealand team so rattled.

Above: Pressing this button has been a Kiwi tradition since 1991 - will they avoid it this time?

Maybe this way of thinking may actually help them but I bet it doesn’t fill their supporters with joy. Many people are tipping the Ozzies to do it and the last time they met they did. It’s also going to be fun watching New Zealand arch nemesis Quade Cooper and how he plays tomorrow – in a recent poll he was voted most hated person in New Zealand ahead of the French blokes who blew up the greenpeace boat. The thing with Cooper is I don’t think he gives a flying fuck what they think and will do anything to wind up the Kiwis – expect a lot of them coming off the pitch at half time with cocks drawn in chalk on their backs or kick me signs. A semi final against your biggest rivals should be enough to get you going but knowing that if you win your going into a final against a team like the French would be a god send.

I now love Chris Ashton and I hate Alain Rolland……….and sand and queues.

sob.....excuse this....sob...excuse for a...weep...blog.....

Above: Todays game made me cry more than the last time i watched this and that was a lot

We could talk about Referees decisions, a red card when it should be yellow, hitting the word work, not once but twice and playing for an hour with 14 men but in the end it came down to not scoring when we should, not taking the right decision when we had the chance and France taking all chances at points on getting them on the board. In the end, the record books will show that Wales lost in a semi final against France in 2011 by 8 points to 9. There will be no mention of the positive fever that gripped a nation for weeks, bolstering its supporters with hope and togetherness, no mention of a world cup turned on its head by a rugby nation of 3 million fervent souls, wishing, preying and populating every spare pub, rugby club, sofa and roofed national stadium in the country and above all it will not mention a team on the other side of the world that played heads up attacking thrilling rugby coupled with heart bursting defence and belief that gave its all and more for the world of rugby. They showed pride, a dark, deep down in the pits of the stomach pride in the jersey they wore and the country and its people who they represented and did it every time they took to the pitch.

Over the top, yes I am but I, like many of us, have invested so much time, money and heart into following Welsh rugby teams and sometimes that investment has delivered little in return. Yes there were good times, some rip roaring but a lot of the time we lost because in the end because we weren’t up to it, many times it was because we made silly mistakes and other times it was a mismatch in talent, fitness and heart from the beginning – all hurt, if like me you cared that much, then it brought tears and that hurt was a hurt in the core of your very being but while I have that feeling now, its there with a bit of sobbing anger at the way we have been knocked out, that if we had been beaten in a game of 80 minutes, 15 men against 15 men and France would have won by beating us then I could have just cried, looked inside myself and known that its rugby and that sometimes that’s just the way it goes. No, as I have just said my body aches and shakes with bitterness about the story board of this defeat and so will the players and especially so young Sam Warburton. A player who everybody talked about, not just for being a warm, sensible, inspiring, mature Captain or for looking a bit like Christopher eccleston but for being a number 7 so good that Kiwis stopped talking about their number 7 for a bit to focus on this 23 year old – a player recognised even by opposition players and supporters as a hard working clean player who has been judged harshly in the biggest game of his life. I just hope he knows that the history books will remember a sending off while the people that care, the people of Wales and the world rugby fraternity will remember him not only for his time, leadership and talent at this world cup but for seasons and seasons to come.

This team have played with verve and passion and took us along on a special journey, they deserve the plaudits but also deserved to go further. I hope they know how proud we are of them and at this moment, while tearful, shaken and pouting like a twat I feel in some way that all that investment has been worth it.

written yesterday - too emotional to put it up - what a twat!

Other than being the handsomest man in the Lovechickens or scoring the fastest try in Welsh Assembly rugby history or being a much better putter than Richie Morris or a better player of paper scissors stone than Pete two Fannies I am not one for showing off or gloating but I will allow myself a bit of joy at the defeating of Ireland this morning. It was a game, a ball busting, full throttle, jiz my pants game. I thought every Ireland player possibly with the exception of Cian Healy played well, not well – very well but I thought that the Welsh display was gutsy – it wasn’t perfect- far from it but it did the job and everybody here can be justifiably proud and excited by next week. Everybody who was expected to deliver did so, so with that it in mind I have to single out Huw Bennett who is not always included on the fantasy team sheet for Welsh fans who today exceeded expectations, played through the pain barrier and delivered. It was nice to see Phillips back to his pomp and Captain Amazing just gets better and better. I thought Ireland were all over us for long stretches of the game but I could not understand why they brought off the half backs – thankfully we weren’t haunted by the spectre of too many replacements. A worry now must be the injuries to Charteris and Jamie Roberts, both played above and beyond. Anybody who doesn’t like this case of waxing lyrical to the max can sod off because loyal readers know that this doesn’t happen often and the last time I saw Wales in a semi final I had to go school half an hour later to be bullied by Pete two fannies (he pulled my fingers back and made me cry 2 years before – and now we are friends although I am waiting till he’s an ancient 81 and I am a sprightly 80 before I really sort the shit out and gain my revenge).

Loyal readers will also know that I rarely take the piss out of the English team with regards to their playing because I am an admirer but even the most one eyed England supporter would have thought that the team were a sack of shit this morning. Some performances but I wouldn’t even raise that to good. What the fuck was wrong with them – they could not even blame the ref who missed 2 English knock ons in 2 minutes. It wasn’t all johnnos fault but his after game interview was a disgrace and where was the mention of the great support they received – it was a me me me performance although I think true England supporters should be happy with the result because if they had got to the semi finals with their performances nobody would have thought that anything was wrong except the English supporters and the rest of the rugby world outside the RFU – they have the players and they have the support so lets see where they go from here. So it is Wales France semi final and I cannot wait – I am hoping that leivremental pulls another beauty out of his sack and decides to play Medard at prop and rene from Allo Allo at centre.

childish - fuck yeah!!

Paul O connell, Patrick keilty, Eamon holmes, the bloke who played magneto in the last xmen film, Jim Mcdonald from Corrie, Frankie Carson, Father Ted, Father Dougall, Father Jack, Mrs Doyle,Dervla Kirwin,Graham Norton, Dara O Brien, lots of peoples Grandparents in Boston, Liam Neeson, U2, West Side, Michael Flatley from Riverdance, a lot of the dancers who arent american in Riverdance, Boyzone,James Joyce, those little twats who must be at least 22 years old who nicked my wallet in Dublin on International day, Jimmy Cricket, Terry Wogan your boys took one hell of a beating..............

ahh its the Craic....of my arse

Above: I'm a Leprachaun m'dear! - No youre not - your a dwarfish Irish pisshead now fuck off

On the news this morning, they said that the support for the Irish down in New Zealand was incredible and that there were at least 20,000 Irish people in that last game.

Thousands of Irish from a country in such dire straights that its economy resembles my arsehole after all that ‘real’ ale I had on Friday. A country with such a shit economy that even the Greeks are laughing at them and refusing to slip them a fiver. How can they afford it? My only thought is that maybe they have forgone a night out in Dublin and spent the £8000 on a trip with accommodation and tickets on the other side of the world.

Or not – maybe those Irish supporters are about as Irish because they

1. Their great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great gran was from Ireland
2. had been to Ireland once on a day trip
3. Had seen Ireland on the telly once
4. drunk a pint of Guinness
5. eaten a potato and went around peoples houses looking to fix their fence for couple of hundred pounds even though they did the damage in the first place

Every time I have been to the States I have met someone who could only fulfil one of those 4 and who, in an American accent so American it would out American Big Doug Hansen, Kermit the Frog or Ronald Reagan dressed as a cowboy outfit, called himself and Irishman. Fucking grow up…………

Well you know how much I love to take the piss out of the Irish but what they are when it comes to rugby is a class side. Yes they have had their days of choke but haven’t we all?? Look at their players.

I love how O Driscoll is so competitive and aggressive. He is a world class player who is and always will be considered a rugby legend. It also pisses me off that he isn’t a bad looking boy (he’s no Pearce Brosnan but hey I’d finger him….) and that he has, in interviews a great sense of humour.

Who else though? Well the team is packed full of not good but great players. I may want to punch Ronan o Gara in the face every time I see him run on the pitch but what a player to have on the field and I don’t think there is a side that has got the back row of Ferris, Heaslip and O Brien. Well obviously there is a side that has got the three of them in – its Ireland but you know what I mean. Yes there are other mercurial back rows but come on – I think O Brien may even be player of the tournament so far although I think that Nick Mullins voted for Jonny Wilkinson and then Jonny Wilkinsons friends cat for second place.

Above: Jonny picking up his ITV rugby person of the next 5 million years medal

Look there is loads more – the team are household names O Connell, Healy, O Callaghan, Kearney, Bowe, D’arcy, Jimmy Cricket and they are doing this without BIG JOHNNY HAYES for fuck sake.

sorry i have been hungover

Above: This is a picture of many of the current Irish teams 1st cap back in 1893 in france - although it was Paul O Connells 4th

Sorry I haven’t written anything but I actually kicked the arse out of it in Gloucester over the weekend with the Lovechickens and have just spent the last few days feeling like shit and thinking everybody hates me because I invented Jar Jar binks in the Star Wars films or that I decided to invade Iraq on the back of something written down by a student saying there were weapons of mass destruction there.

So what happened? Completely missed the French game, or should I say the Tonga game? What a result but what a bunch of lazy knobsacks the French were…well up until they time they had the easy opportunity to kick a penalty and nonchalantly scored a try. I was drinking by the England Scotland game and I needed to be – I am fed up of saying this but England knows how to win games even if they play like a bunch of twats. Scotland deserved to win but I think not one of the 3 (including Argentina have set the world on fire). I know the French lost to Tonga and were pretty shit against the Kiwis but you saw more flashes of brilliance during the tournament than any of the others put together.

I was very please to see the Wales match and the result – yes we should have won but then again we should have won last time. I do not give a flying fuck if you think I am bias but we have hardly seen some of the inter linking play that Wales partook in in that game – it was fantastic – we would’ve needed more against a better side but some of the better sides would not have performed like that against poorer ones…that’s confusing but its staying in. Ireland were pretty damned awesome as well, they blew away Italy with aggression, single mindedness and with the all blacks, South Africa and Wales are the inform side. Wales? But they lost to the Boks? I know but they played fantastically and with style – they are inform so shut it.

So what happens next? The simple answer is that I haven’t got a clue. The Ireland Wales QF is going to be amazing – great players at the top of their game. Young players out to prove themselves, seasoned professionals going great guns in their last chance saloons out to get the prize they deserve. Its going to be amazing.

England v France – Another super match because we all know they have one huge game in them although knowing Leivremental its probably a game of ‘buckaroo’ or hungry hippos. Both teams have such good players but the French are temperamental toss bags the English team are toss bags except for Chris Ashton who has delivered for my fantasy rugby side. It seems that Jonny has been picked which means more sock abuse for Nick mullins but who better to win in a knock out competition?

South Africa v Australia – brawn v an injured hotch potch of tidy players. Cooper can still decide but I fear it is the Boks game to lose.

Argentina V NZ – Argentina hasn’t brought much to the party so even without the mighty Carter I think the Kiwis will choke in the next match.

news just in

2 English coaches have been knuckle wrapped today. God like boretron Jonny Wilkinson was missing his kicks against rugby giants Romania and decided that it was not his legs fault but the balls. In light of this the RFU have put in a request for the Scotland match. They are as followed

In case England do not score any points the Scotland team have been told that they are only allowed to select one of two people chosen in advance by Prince Harry. One is Macdonald Murdock wee Jock McPlop plop a 63 year old alcoholic from Glasgow or Dan Parks.

Mr Parks or Mr McPlop plop, whoever is selected, will only be allowed to play in white daps and mittens and will only be allowed to touch the ball twice before having to pass it back to Johnnos team for their turn.

In case England can’t get their kicks they have requested to change the size of the posts – they will now stretch the width of the pitch and the bar will be lowered to 3 foot. If Jonny doesn’t get it over he is allowed another 15 attempts and if after this amount he still hasn’t scored he will then be awarded 1 point for being an ace misser.

If Mr Parks and Mr McPlop plop are good at scrummaging the referee, Mr Lawrence Dallaglio will then move to passive scrums and will penalise the Scot for feeding.

The English team to be awarded points for coming on the pitch ala fantasy rugby.

The English team to be awarded the World cup on Friday just in case one of the other teams score more points than them in a game in the future

i was wrong - now stop keeping on

Above: Nick Mullins 'Jonny Wikinsonson Jonny Wilkinson Jonny Wilkinson jonny JONNY JONNY JONNY ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH Bang.......................'

No sooner had I extolled the presentation skills of ITV then Nick Mullins comes along and spoils everything. England had a good victory on the weekend but lets be honest it was only Romania. Mullins reacted as if he’d won first prize in the ‘get to finger Jessica Alba more than once’ competition. If England actually makes it to the final he will explode and Phil Vickery will be sat there covered in Mullins jizz and shit.

Back to the rugby jobs done for Wales, Ireland and England against lower tier sides. Job not fucking done for the Scots who went AWOL for a few minutes and in that time the Argentineans undid their zips, lobbed out their Jimmys and pissed over the Scots chips…..with battered mars bar. It was a shame but it has given the world cup a hell of a final weekend. There can’t have been a world cup like it – because some of the so called lower teams have put up a fight and there have been some weird results we go into the last weekend with things becoming interesting. Ireland has beaten Australia, the result of the tournament so far but they still have the Italians to go. Most people would say not a hope to the shit driving women botherers but isn’t that what they said to the Irish before becoming the wizards over Oz (geddit). Italy have silently gotten better as the tournament progresses and we all know they can really get going for one off games. They are not the favourites for this match but if they get going then Irish rickers will be twitching.

What about England – a shoe in, yes they played poor in patches but their momentum has been building. But now we have a desperate Scotland who have to win this to go through and we have Argentina waiting at the wings. England should do this but hey this is rugby and this is the world cup.

Wales, yes we were unlucky to lose to South Africa but we were lucky to beat Samoa. The possible outcomes are akin to the number of times Morgan has fallen asleep on dance floors throughout Christendom. Yes Fiji haven’t been on top form but they hardly set the world on fire 4 years ago where they tore us to shreds and knocked us out. Samoa haven’t played badly yet and lest we forget the victory against Australia a few months ago. If South Africa don’t do the business then….well I can hardly say it.

These are big fuck off games and we haven’t even started with the quarter finals yet
Let’s get it on

observations

Above: How surprised would we really be if L'mental had picked Pikachu instead of Picamoles in the back row?

What the fuck are the kiwis moaning about? Lievremental has made dodgy selection choices and statements in the past but putting a world class performer like Morgan Parra at fly half when he played so well there before I don’t think is one of them. The other is the leaving out of Harinorduquy who is playing below his best in place of an inform player like Picamoles who sounds like a pokemon character. The Kiwi press should suck it up and grow up. This is still a good French side with the likes of Dusuatoir, Bonnaire, Clerc, Traille, Nallet. It seems the expectation of a New Zealand world cup win isn’t only pressurising the players.

Ok ITV – I have something to admit. I actually liked some of the commentary with Nick Mullins and Phil Vickery……I actually appreciated what Vickery was saying and I enjoyed the banter. Another thing – I enjoy listening to Pienaar and Fitzpatrick – they are great and I better write this before I start head banging the wall, making a strange noise and eating my own shit but the host – Craig Doyle is fantastic. Listen to him and he actually is a rugby fan…maybe I am wrong and normal knobby, Wilkinson centred, kissball centred shite may resume but lets give credit where credit us due.

South Africa looked impressive against minnows Namibia who were blowing out of their arse by the end of it. Yes it was Namibia but many big sides would have let up but the Boks looked hungry. This weekend, of course I am looking forward to the Kiwis v the Froggy cach pots but I think the game I am especially excited about is Fiji/Samoa closely followed by Scotland/Argentina. They are going to be crackers although I can’t believe that Scotland left out Ansbro – he is pretty good.

Noticed Percy Montgomery giving out the water for South Africa – no wonder they played well with that handsome twat dishing out the mini pep talks – we have Neil Jenkins who has to be included in the Welsh team otherwise we are below our ginger quota now that Martyn Williams has sadly been left out.

Above: he could fucking eat you..Samoan Maurie Fa'asavalu
Just a final thing that I want to mention about the Wales Samoa match was how baby faced some of the Welsh players looked like in comparison to the islanders – i have to admit I shit myself a bit as I was there on my sofa in the wee early hours dressed in my pinkish red Welsh top, jimmy jam bottoms with a cup of tea….with that image I leave you happy and slightly turned on….

Above: North and Halfpenny really do enjoy sprint training

Below: Rhys Priestland.....awww

Sunday bloody Sunday and Ashton bloody Ashton

Above: A very tired looking Snakey Sheldon and Emily Bishop await the nod from the ref to alight the subs bench

What is wrong with Ashton? I give him yet another chance to redeem himself after spoiling my 6 nations and fantasy rugby game by including him yet again in my inner sanctum of fun and the squat faced twat runs in only 2 good tries……its Georgia! He could’ve had 5 or 6 – knob. Also, in another spate of making me look like a cock Ed Miliband lookalike American Black persons name Hape also gets on the score board. Well done to both. England were much better than they were in the first game but then again if Johnson had made 13 changes and 12 of them included some of the older cast of Coronation Street they would not have played any worse. Sure mistakes were made and the penalty count was crazy but they got there and that’s what matters – they are 2 from 2. Flood had a steady game but I don’t think he did enough to push his case ahead of Jonny. The commentator didn’t mention him 387 times but did piss me off by talking about gazillionaires kissball team Chelsea. This is a rugby world cup – fuck off –we hear about your sport all the time – give us this you wankers.

Wales seem hellbent on giving me a heart attack. Why can’t they make things a little easier on us sometimes. I thought I would get up at 0430, sneaking downstairs for a midnight feast like small child, watch the game where we came good in the last half hour and then off up the stairs to Bedfordshire to gain a valuable 40 winks. Instead they fucked around like kids playing chase with a bag chock full of dog shit, being out played by the country the size of the British Legion in Bristol so by the time Iit had finished my heart was going so fast that I thought I had brushed my teeth with whizz. I thought the Samoans played with passion and in the second half were so much better than us. I would have rather Warren had brought on Edwards Scissorhands then Andy Powell who must have got his hands and his chest the wrong way around as he spent the whole match trying to catch the ball with the latter. He made a couple of good tackles but the rest of time wandered around like a lost special needs kid in the big Tescos in Haverfordwest. I am gutted about Hook and Dan Lydiate, they are great players and as I write this do not know how serious their injuries are. However I feel I am being too tough on the boys, Warburton was great and I think the game suited Phillips although I do get fed up of people taking the ball from the bottom of our ruck while our players stand around gawping as if they were in that place in Amsterdam where you used to pay 2 guilders to watch a man dressed as Batman and 2 women get it in on like Donkey Kong. Anyway I thought Halfpenny was good when he came on and George North continues to impress although he did that ‘get the ball, jump up and down but go nowhere thing’ that was shit. Lets hope we rip loose against Namibia and put some points on – I don’t know about Fiji – we’ll probably win by 2 points against Namibia and hammer the islanders – Wales are the new French or as they say in Tondu – the les Nouveau Francais………

jizmongous - another blog - this time fm Spen the Viking

Above: Todd Clever always gets mixed up with Michael bolton when theyre out playing bingo

One of the things that's been intriguing me about the RWC so far is the amusing array of shit hair styles on display.

Once upon a time, we had to rely on Paul Griffin or the Wales team for ridiculous facial adornments and shit haircuts; but in this World Cup we have been gifted with a plethora of comedy hirsuteness.

We have, on one American flank the Michael Bolton-esque locks of Todd Clever, and on the other, the tribute to 1980s Germanity that is the mullet and shitty blond moustache of Louis Stanfill.

The Canadian forwards have brought the 19th Century fur-trapper look with them to New Zealand, while their backs have revived the 'Sick Boy from Trainspotting' late 1990s peroxide job.

Even Ma'a Nonu appears to have just got back from his holidays in Thaliraki, judging by the multicoloured braids that have been added to his normally Predator-style dreads.

In fact, the one notable omission from the Rugby World Cup of hairyness, is the very welcome disappearance of John Kirwan's stupid little lump of beard from underneath his bottom lip. Good riddance.

So which, if any, coifferie faux pas have tickled your funny bone so far?

Spen (The Viking)

anything Wales can do Ireland can do better...mumble grumble mumble

Above: Stephen and Terence have been booked for Englands next game preparation, lets hope that Ashton doesnt try to get off with them rather than throw them - he would, he's like that and i heard once that he killed a puppy and a fairy...and justin bieber
Well I crawled from my sick bed to watch this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Ireland showed Wales what they needed to do to match and then beat one of the top three. Yes Ireland continue to moan at the referee more than I moaned last week when I found my fifth silver pube but so what? Martin Johnson got to win a world cup by doing it. Maybe I am just jealous. This is a great world cup, in years gone past Wales would have put a shit side out against South Africa just hoping to beat the others. Ireland may have done the same. This time England are in a hard group of three and even the others are showing their metal – look at Georgia and Romania competing with Scotland – this is excellent news. Wales play Samoa and Fiji and if either of the 2 island teams win it won’t be an unbelievable shock. Anyway back to today, Australia looked a little shell shocked and Ireland did give it to them – I still think that the weird cabbage patch kid lookalike Beale was amazing and with O Brien the best players on the pitch.

It seems that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and England are now copying Wales by going on huge seshes in the middle of competitions. 2 positives for England. While Wales’ indiscretions all involve either stealing shit or getting duffed up by people in Burgerking, at least England’s shenanigans involved dwarves and blonde birds with big tits. The other positive was Martin Johnsons reaction ‘rugby players go out and drink beer shocker’ he said at the press conference or something like that. It may come back to bite him on the arse if they under perform but I think it was a reaction to the non rugby press and the non rugby world to fuck off.

So for Welsh people tomorrow we have to get up at stupid a clock just to shit ourselves for a few hours…….i just hope we play well

Fat mike predicted that New Zealand would score against 82 points against the Japs rather than the 83 they did..i don’t do shout outs and congratulations usually…so I wont bother starting now….enjoy mo fos

my views from Phil umbungo umbongo they drink it in the congo

First of all thank you for giving the kiss of death to wunderkind Ashton!

What a weekend! All the big boys played like Woodhouse Weasels on a particularly bad day with the exception that at the last minute they pulled some magic out of their arses and actually won!

I was hoping for a Japanese win over les bleurghs just to teach them a lesson. I had to miss the last bit of the game to go and give my grandson his first England rugby shirt and sit and watch the England game with him. (he is rubbish at necking cans when Johnny misses kicks but then he is only nine months old. At least he doesn't start a fight in a Cypriot disco when I am about to go home with the winner of Miss Sexiest Swedish Tourist (Worldwide))

Anyway, off I go with Japan sticking it right up them and only a couple of points in it. Easily doable I think only to find out the dirty cheating cheese eating surrender monkeys had discovered how to play rugby and scored a handful of tries! Bastards!

England where do I start. I had visions of the forwards upsetting the Argies and tying them up in the middle of the park whilst Ashton, Foden, Manu and Arms glided gracefully with the speed and elegance of gazelles into the corners for tries. Hmmm. Penalties galore and it seems some thieving git nicked Johnny's boots. Still I hope that now Argentina are behind us, muttering malvinas to themselves we will pull our fingers out of our arseholes and play some proper rugby.
At the end of the day it seems that the big boys, when the chips are well and truly down can still turn things around.

I then turn to Wales. Wales shouldn't be disappointed that they lost they should be fuming. The game was theirs. With the exception of the first try, the only team that looked like winning the game were Wales. Hook's penalty... I don't know. The commentator said it bent back in after going past the posts. I didn't see that and it looked like a score to me, but we have all been there and have to abide by the ref's decision. Look at Mike Phillips' 'try' against Ireland. The Welsh back row are amazing and will do wonderful things over the next few years. They now have to go and tank Samoa, a bogey team for Wales given their previous World Cup meetings.
There's still all to play for and loads more games to come! Hurrah! I bloody love rugby me