G'day you fucking dags - its cheeez or to me and you Chez

Above: voted best dressed Australian 2009-2011, dwayne here loves nothing more than rooting shielas and making plans to work behind a bar in London like every other fucking Aussie
Last week I had the pleasure of watching the other 6ft Jap, Gareth Delve, lead out the Melbourne Rebels at AAMI Park vs the Highlanders. I would now like to outline how fucking good Super Rugby is. They make our lot look like a bunch of spastics. Skills are superior, I even saw a prop throw a miss-pass. I have to say that I would back myself vs Danny Cipriani in a kicking duel, unless the kick was to win the game against Aberystwyth or Glamorgan uni. EPIC FAIL x2. But even Cipriani shines at this level, his total lack of defensive nouse doesn't matter because it's all about the product. Attack, score tries, run from your in-goal, cross-kick. Fuck something up? "Aw, no worries mate, she'll be right next time"...when someone knocks-on in Wales it's the end of the world and they need to be dropped immediately, their grandfather needs to be gang raped and thier mother is the source of syphillus. Above: Aussie rules or soft eighties porn?
The S15 culture is positive. Delve is flourishing, and now I read that the Waratahs are courting Mike Phillips or Dwayne Peel to replace Sam Burgess who is off to fill his coffers at Toulouse. GET OVER HERE BOYS...ALL OF YOU! S15 rugby is played the way Wales would flourish! If I could afford it, I would subsidise the import of Welsh players and give Gatland a backhander to change selection policy. Contrary to popular belief, no-one gives a flying fuck about Rugby Union in Australia. In Queensland its all about Rugby League, NSW is a bit of a mish-mash of a lot of League, and a little bit of Union and Aussie Rules. In the great state of Victoria, AFL/Aussie Rules is a religion. Perth is AFL too and only 59 people live in Canberra (and they're all politicians).

Above: The view that Australians had for hundreds of years no wonder theyre all out drinking beer or being rude to women

It's not a goldfish bowl like in Wales. Lee Byrne could go to the Sydney Mardi Gras and wear a pink flamingo suit and suck a few cocks, Henson could build a little hut on Bondi Beach and catch skin cancer and then get pissed on half a shandy, abuse some Sheilas and then get hoyed the fuck out of by their blokes. Andy Powell could get hammered on Tooheys and go and play human frogger in the middle of the motorway. No one would give a shit; Rugby League and AFL boys grab the headlines. Then they could concentrate on ENJOYING a brand of rugby that would bring out the best in them. Gatland should give them all a sabbatical for a season and then go back to Old South Wales and take the culture and the experience with them. I really believe we would be competitive against NZ, AUS and SA if this were the case.

This will never happen though and it is a sad thing...and it's because the European struture is fucking idiotic. Why? We follow a fucking idiotic schedule based around a flawed model...soccer. The first thing I would do would be to move the 6N to May. Then get rid of shit things like the LV Cup. Split the season; finish your domestic comps for Xmas and start your Heineken Cup mid Jan. At the moment half the team piss off to the Top 14 at the end of the season and get replaced by third-rate Kiwis so teams play in Europe on the basis of last season. If your season culminated with the 6N then the best players should be in there, not ones who are lacking match practise as they have been wrapped in cotton wool since October. Plus the weather would be awesome and you wouldn't have to spend 30 pound of your Edinburgh tour money on fucking jumpers.

I can dream, I can rant, but it is in vain. Tradition is the bain of progress, so until we respectfully say fuck off to tradition then we will not progress as a National Team or as a Hemisphere and will always be playing catch-up to our antipodien cousins and the orrible Saffa cunts. Hey anyway I dont give a shit, I get my citzenship in 2012 so it'll be Green and Gold so fuck you all, "WALLABIES!!!!"

Wiping your arse, Joe pasquale and the loyal Iranian

Above: Arsewipe

Above: another Arsewipe

Some of you sandal and sock wearing shit suckers have been emailing Lovechickens HQ noticing that I have yet to comment on what some called an embarrassing hammering in the recent LC arse wiping poll. Firstly an embarrassing hammering is being beaten up by Ant or Dec or possibly Joe Pasquale. Secondly – fuck you. The poll was scientific and posh and…and…and…..fuck you.
Above: in squeeky twats voice 'fuck you Terry, these are going in your eyes and then i am going to fucking hammer you' says Joe
Seriously the poll pretty much sures up what has been realised in pub up and down that one place in Fishguard. What was disappointing is that I know more than 24 of you actually read this blog because I get the viewing figures sent to me so therefore you are either pig ignorant, twats or some of the people who leave comments asking if

A: I want to date married women in Slough
B: Want a bigger penis
C: Want to give my money and bank details to a black businessman in Ghana and therefore receive a large portion of his £1 million fortune once he has rested it in my account for a bit
D: want a degree from the University of Ystalyfera

There is a new poll coming this week about your favourite full backs – show some interest and get voting.

Talking about stats – This week this blog has had people from Iran and Singapore reading. I wonder what they find interesting? Is it news of Gavin H, is it that they like being called names or is it they want to find out which way they should wipe their arse. What I do know is that they are welcome, and so are you loyal Lovechickens and chicken wannabees, enjoy Easter (except for you in Iran…)

Magners no more - bring on the bo.....

Above: Welsh regional rugby crowds - the Ospreys have a bigger squad than their average attendance
Well this week saw the ending of a relationship between Magners Irish cider and Celtic (plus Italian) rugby.

It was good while it lasted but they probably got fed up of sponsoring a competition with shit attendances that stopped and started throughout the season and with Irish sides who could play most of the season with people from the local chess club only to include the superstars for the last few weeks and STILL win the league or come in the top four. They were probably fed up of Welsh regions playing in huge mausoleums only half full and in Scotland where Edinburgh plays in front of 20 people in one of the biggest rugby specific grounds in the world.

Am I being too down on it? I don’t think so. The above is true and I think it’s the fault of the Welsh marketing teams who, while they have improved so much in the last few years would still find it hard to market bullet proof vests in Libya. There are upshots and there have been some cracking games, we only have to go back one week to see an amazing game between the Dragons and Ospreys. I think myself a tad unfair to the Irish sides that seem to have it sorted. Munster fans don’t go into apoplectic shock if they have to move ground and turn up to support whoever. The Irish derbies put Wales to shame and Leinster Munster is one of the great games in Europe.
I think interest in rugby in Wales is on the decline and the balance of fun, history, marketing and sense needs to be returned or…well three badly supported regions, never getting to the knock out stages of the Heineken with a national team at the same level as Italy or Scotland beckons.

Finally – Magners. What an annoying fucking product. It costs the same amount as a small east European car and people think its fine because it’s more than a pint. It’s a pint and a bit you fuck wits and most of that bit is ice. ICE! ICE? Since when has self watering down of alcoholic drinks been seen as the norm?
Above: This smug cockcheese puts ice in his cider - is that you? If it is - buck the fuck up....

Yum yum my Bass is lovely and cold because it’s come out of a chilled cream flow cask – what will make it better and me much more up my own arse and pretentious is to have some ice in it.

How much is that? Nearly £5? That’s brilliant because that’s a pint and a bit and now I can walk around with a glass full of ice and a bottle…god I love how adverts influence me.

Grow the fuck up – I can’t wait for the Celtic league to be sponsored by Snakebite….

Are you sitting comfortably? then i will begin....

Above: 'What does that say Grandad'? 'Minge Anthony...minge.....'

Yes I am starting off this blog with a bit of a story. It was a Thursday night and as was usual in the times of shenanigans I was out in the Philly for nurses night. My partner of crime that night was the Chocolate ‘I only punch prisoners that deserve or like it’ Seagull. In there were members of the Welsh rugby team getting bladdered. Nothing wrong with that although it want long before we were tuned in the World cup warm up games. There was one player who was absolutely twatted and for the sake of argument we will call him Ceri Sweeney who bears an incredible likeness to Ceri Sweeney the valley boy looking valley boy who it seems has played for most Welsh sides except the Scarlets, Aberystwyth and Welshpool.He was being a twat and pushing people out of the way and generally being the big ‘I am’. I didn’t like that at all probably because I was pissed, being a twat and wanted to push people out the way. When he came to push me with his shoulder I held firm and pushed back.
I would describe the next few seconds as me and him preparing to do battle in an almost gladiatorial, fighting cock manner. The Chocolate Seagull would describe it as two shit faced knobheads trying to focus on each other and it all ending in some deranged gurn-off while we tried to show that someone was holding us back when nobody actually was. The ace thing is is that Gareth Delve came between us to sort it out. (and the bloke called Sweeney who looks exactly like Ceri Sweeney was saved from probably the greatest hammering of his life). What I am trying to get to is that in the world of rugby there have always been complete tossers who believe their talent albeit untested outside their home village gives them the right to be ignorant arrogant twats. However I must say there are rugby players who are normally top blokes who drink too much sherbert and end up acting a way that would embarrass them.

Above: It was like this but i was a lot more handsomer and i didnt look like spastic -esque singer Paul Potts like the one on the right

Why my story? well in the last few weeks 3 past and present Welsh players have been in the news for being in trouble. A few weeks ago Bradley Davies was bailed for being involved in a fight down in little Birmingham or as it used to be called Saundersfoot. Last week tanned, small faced budgie, Gavin Henson was given a one week ban for fighting with his team mates whilst lovechild of Grotbags from Rodd Hull and Emu fame and Mike Tindall, Andy Powell is in trouble for being beaten up by ‘fans’ of ex-sport footballs QPR.

Does this mean that rugby players have lost their way and we have finally ended up like football. Of course not! rugby players have a long way to go before they end up like footballers who would easily evict their Nan by phone whilst dogging child prostitutes to death before a crowd of team mates and Russian/Arab millionaires. We haven’t gone down the road where its more important that your team of multi-millionaires that represents a place that isn’t in your country or a place that you have actually been to means a lot more to you than your national side and that you hate a player or a fan who supports a team representing a place that he’s never been to but is considered geographically a neighbour more than a paedophile.

Bradley Davies is only 24 and I haven’t heard anything about him being a dick. Gavin Henson is a dick and was probably punched because he was a dick. Andy Powell is so dense that he makes Gavin Henson look like Dr Robert Winston. He probably annoyed those football fans into punching him by insisting there was no such word as qpr or as he was probably saying it ‘cwopper’.
Above: Andy Powell looking at past team photos by the mantelpiece in Wasps rugby club

Anyway what I haven’t been trying to say before I went off on one again – is that there are complete cocks out there who think their special and need to be brought down a peg and there are rugby boys who just misbehave once in a while – you can’t group them and nor should you. I think I will blog on this further later on.

The Heineken cup...um no its another rant!!

Above: Orange fizzoged dunce-meister Henson reckons that dancing in the semi final of a celebrity dance contest is better than winning the Grandslam which is like saying having a tesco chicken salad meal deal with prawn coctail crisps and a bottle of fanta is better than receiving the nobel peace prize

So rugby wise whats been happening in the world of late?

Well I suppose we should at least look at the Heineken cup quarter finals. In complete honesty I did not watch them all but then again that’s not going to stop me commentating on what somebody else wrote about them in the papers the next day.

I’ll start of with the pesky French or in the case of Toulon, the pesky UN. You would think that coming from the same group as the Ospreys they would have learnt that you can have the best players in the world but that doesn’t necessarily make you the best team – that is something completely different. I have an idea about why they may have failed to reach the dizzy heights their bosses, fans, players and world press have laid out for them in a murmuration of expectation.

Its because when they all go out after their match for red wine and shit fish soup and free plates of crisps (for all you Americans that’s ‘chips’ but in our language chips are a Scottish Health product and part of their five a day with Iron bru, fried eggs, dripping, budget no frills whisky and petty extreme violence) and then they get to their tiny Toulon bar with French hookers (not of the Raphael Ibanez kind but the haggard old prossy maked up like a Swansea girl who is in her 60’s kind) in the corner and who have they got to start the singing and partying?

Jonny Wilkinson and Gavin Henson.

One is admittedly class while the other one has it but has yet to fulfill his potential. Wilkinson will go down as one of the all type greats, people concentrate on his kicking but he offers so much more but as lovely a chap as he may be he is boring as fuck. Telling Wilko off for fucking up fuzzy duck and watching him deck three fingers of high energy nutrient shake before he goes off and practices kicking again would be shit. He’s not going to get pissed, show his cock or set one of the boys on fire is he?

Above: Phillip Saint-Andre listens to an hour of feedback from Jonny Wilkinson

As for Henson he’d probably be stuck in the toilets like some retarded Budgie looking at himself in the mirror trying to kiss himself. I would call him thick as mince but I saw mince on tuffers team in Question of sport and he answered more questions that ‘tangerine’ Gav, he also got more laughs then him as well – in fact sue Barker laughed so much she started lactating. This is the man who said that he wanted to completely ignore all the goodwill given to him by the Ospreys and leave them because he wanted to be outside an intense rugby bubble and be close to his kids, so he spends 2 weeks being shit in Saracens before moving to the intenser bubble of southern French rugby and being even further away from his kids.

It doesn’t matter, he probably doesn’t think that he’s in another country anyway and because he’s so thick thinks that their not speaking French but as usual speaking English faster than he can understand. The only reason he spent so much time in OK magazine is because it was the only one he could spell. He is getting better though, he used to be so boring that he’d make one of Fat Mikes 5 hour talks on Croesyceiliog seem like Brian Blessed and Oliver Reed shouting shagging stories at each other in the middle of a German drinking hall to the music of Queen’s ‘it’s a kind of magic’.

Right what was I talking about..the Heineken Cup? Fuck that, I’ll do that another time……..

PS A murmuration is actually a collective noun for starlings

PPS what the fuck is wrong with you fuckers - get voting on the poll or i'm getting Big Will around your house to shit in your sink

i know i'm a bit late on this one but.....

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/south-african-rugby-player-charged-with-axe-murders-2258769.html If he is found guilty will he be forced to drink 5 fingers plus deck a dirty pint - he will also be fined 2 fingers for not asking the chairman permission to go on a killing spree and 3 fingers for showing teeth

6 nations continuation

Above: The Irish teams headquarters are pretty quiet after the victory against the English the night before

Well after the last blog I had to sit down and rest the old blood vessels but here I am back to give you the low down on the 6 nations. As previously said I think it was pretty shit but there were some highlights.

1. Friday rugby has been put to bed for a while. I haven’t the time or energy to get started on the dreaded 6 nations on a Sunday rant but thank Gareth Edwards on high that they have ditched Friday rugby. Great for people with no friends, shit for people who love watching international rugby as it should be – with friends in a pub or at the game with a day of shenanigans and tom foolery behind or ahead of them. WRU Chairman for life David Pickering claimed he loved Friday rugby which shows that behind that amiable façade there is in fact, a complete twat.

2. attacking minded players – ignore the fact that they didn’t actually do it much but amongst the ‘kick or drive it up the guts first’ type plans that the coaches and teams actually adopted players like Richie Gray, Sean Lamont and Joe Ansbro, Foden and Ashton (cock), Parra and Medaud, O driscoll, Parrisse and Bergamasco and of course Shane Williams

3. A couple of games cut the mustard as well. I enjoyed the England/Scotland game, I thought that the display by the Irish against the English was very impressive but the game and result of the tournament was Italy 22 France 21. I didn’t get as excited watching any of the Wales matches. It was a big win and one they deserved. It still didn’t get Lievremental the sack but it may have settled a French side down and given them at least a little shot at the World cup this autumn.

So what have we learnt this Six nations. One thing for sure is while New Zealand is hit by an earthquake, Japan is on the verge of making one of its own disaster movies seem implausible by being too tame and the Arab world is on the brink of civil war and the world wide recession is gaining momentum rather than abating is that we still find our priorities firmly placed in getting out, getting on it and drinking with friends and strangers alike all under the camouflage of watching international rugby.

My version

Player of the tournament – Brian O Driscoll – even having a shit game meant a pretty good one by any others standards. Mention in despatches goes to Parrisse and Ashton (wanker)

The ‘here I am rescuing kittens, saving orphans, feeding the third world whilst bailing out the banks and sorting out the middle east question’ award goes to Morgan Stoddart who scores 2 tries, one against the eventual winners, saves another during a close match, plays well above himself and then gets dropped…..

Mention in dispatches goes to the Welsh props. Wouldn’t you be fucked off if the person you replaced in the team had more mentions than you actually during a game. At one point I was expecting this from one of Scrum V or the BBC:

Commentator 1 – on comes the Welsh team and those 2 props whose names I cant be bothered to say because they are not as good as Gethin Jenkins and Adam Jones

Commentator 2 – you are right, they really aren’t but I suppose these spastics will have to do – how are the opposition going to play against these half wits who aren’t Gethin Jones and Adam Jones….

5 minutes later 'What a terrific start and now we have a scrum on the half way line and there we see not Adam jones, Matthew Rees and not Gethin Jones binding together for the first scrum'

Biggest fruit loop - Leivremental – the manager whose capped so many people that the French training camp is the only one where everybody wears nametags. Everybody knows the French are cowards but its very strange when it comes from their coach. Wales best player – with 100% pass rate and nearly an assist for one of the few tries, the ball boy who passed the ball for the illegal Welsh try against Ireland takes some beating

Above: Was this the 11 year old ball boy who gave his ball to Matthew Rees? No its 11 year old looking legendary former Wales fly half who Welsh fans once thought was gay because he dyed his hair blonde

So thats it really for the next few months i will be sticking to posts about The European cups, club rugby, the traditional hammering of Wales by England in the World cup warm up and of course how i would love to see a tag team smack down between the Krankies and Cannon & Ball. All this with up to date rugby news, rampant xenophobia and name calling up to the World cup.

6 nations - what i think - part 1

Above: 'no Cheyanne i wouldn't give a fuck if you paid ME £2, i'm not getting on you'

I don’t know where to start on this six nations but some of it was akin to picking the prettiest prossy in the wash and wank, finding out you were the final punter of a very long and fruitful shift and remembering you muffed her out. There was great expectation, you think you enjoyed a lot of it but in the end you have this awful feeling and a horrible taste in your mouth. Well that’s you that is. No offence to the fox hunting, inner city Bankers but England were not a Grand slam team but that says a lot more about their shit opponents than themselves. They were the best of a bad bunch and I don’t think their complete bumming by a rampant Irish side on the final weekend will do them any harm. I would say though that Foden and Youngs promised so much and delivered sweet fanny fuck all. Flood and Jonny did well and so did that giant twat Ashton. The English pack fronted up and was up until the last game rarely found wanting.

Above: The English rugby team at training 'I say Foden stopping bumming Flood and give us chaps a shot what what!'

Actually while we are on the subject of that complete knob head (Yes I still blame him for making me have a shit position in the fantasy rugby league although I was proved right as he never scored again and I beat Ski in the last weekend as I said I would – Aston and Ski – giant meaty oboe players) I do think after scoring that many tries he should have been up there with Brian O Driscoll and possible Parisse as the player of the 6 Nations. It went instead to Masi. What the fuck!! Yes he scored twice and one of those in the most exciting game of the championship but he was hardly fucking Campese. This is what happens when you put things to a public vote. Democracy is shit as 90% of people are thick chaffs. Not everybody out there is like us and to most people the only voting they ever consider is when the X factor is on. If I wanted to be Prime Minister next time I would ditch all policies and say that I am doing this because…….i don’t know…….I grew up in the hood and my bruvver was shot like innitt in his face and my muvvar worked 28 hour shifts in the plastic dog shit factory but had to look after 17 kids and I is doing the politics fing for her memory and the memory of my half faced bruvvar whose name was like EZ Kenneth or some shit. Wankers – anyway – yes indeed. This years six nations man of the series was put out to the public vote and the only players involved were the ones nominated for man of the match which is incredibly pointless and stupid – nobody was told about it except obviously everybody with a computer in Masi’s home town. Right I think that’s enough ranting for now and I will continue slagging off………I mean commentating fairly on the plethora of skill and running ambition in this six nations later.