a tale of Fly Halves

Above: Leivremental looks over to the French bench to see who could come on for the 5th best fly half on the team

Did I say the Kiwis by 15? Sorry what I meant was that there would be 15 points scored and hey presto I was correct. What a final and what a performance by the 30 players on the pitch and the 23 fly halves that were carried off in scenes reminiscent of a Tanrantino film rather than the best sport on this earth. Well the French certainly came to spoil the party and was very close to do so – Harinordoquy was my man of the match – he was all over the field. Trinh-Duc was also superb when he came on, his glide through the All black defence was like Fuzzy Williams through a lasagne. They could’ve won it and my deep rooted sense of supporting the under dog almost wished they would have – almost but in the end I couldn’t do it. This was more than a rugby victory, it was a victory for a proud rugby loving, slip on shoes wearing, mullet growing, whitesnake loving, 80s loving nation. They deserved it and they have to be proud of this bunch of players and the coaching team. As a Welshman I felt very emotional when I saw Graham Henry being interviewed – he started our revolution and I will always thank him for that and he got what he deserved. They say that he shed a tear when Wales beat England in Wembleyin 1999 – if that’s the case he must have shit his pants through crying yesterday. McCaw was immense but I thought 93 year old Stephen Donald who came on and settled things down. This was a great final and the best team in the final won it – I look forward to the next time they win it in 2035.

The futures Black

Above: To many this is a symbol of a Kiwi riding a whale to lots of Lovechickens, Kiwis is a symbol of riding Whales

Well touché All Blacks – last week the only thing that choked on that pitch was Quade Cooper. The Kiwis looked like they should do – world beaters and that’s what they should be crowned on Sunday – all they have is the French infront of them. Look I keep on about this French team having one game in them well to be honest I hope they don’t – I don’t want a team that really didn’t play great rugby to make it there. Its not about great rugby in the knock out stages its about winning I hear you say – correct but did they play good rugby in the pool stages? – no they didn’t. People are on England’s case for shit behaviour well look over at the stropping petulant French and see how they have behaved. however I don’t really care about the fuss of having lost 2 of their pool games stopping a team getting to the final – that’s what the Rugby world should be heading for – when everybody in the pool has a chance of going through. I wont mention this mornings game but what it was was a big dose of reality for us in Wales – that doesn’t mean that we still aren’t a great side but shows we have a long way to go to keep being consistent.
Above: 'The heat is on' Richie Mccaw calls his mother on the newest phone in all new Zealand to say his foots better
So this Sunday I will be supporting the All Blacks because they deserve it, they may be very nervous which may let in France remembering that this is the Final and anything could happen but if form stays true I would put the kiwis by 15 but hey what the hell do I know.
Above: Richard Kahui and Ma Nonu get dressed up for a night in Auckland after their semi final win last Sunday
You may be a small country stuck in the 1980s but go All Blacks!!

Big Dougs opinion - musings of a giant yank

Above: Big Doug - In America Ho Ho HO means three prostitutes

Overview of the RWC
1. Terrific atmosphere, and no better place for the RWC than NZ as far as atmosphere is concerned– a country consumed by the AB’s. The people are friendly, always interested in if you are enjoying your stay (I got asked at least 100 times), and are all, every man woman and child, rugby gurus. If there is any downside, the scramble due to the loss of the stadium in Christchurch made for some hard traveling for some of us, but overall, every match in every pub played and replayed all day all night, the pubs were hopping, and every Kiwi supporter welcomed and applauded every supporter from every nation. Most matches were sold out, and there was great local support. The entire country had AB flags flying, and AB support demonstrated in many different was - Great stuff.
2. The USA did OK, and in some phases of the game, we actually played decently. The highlight for me though, was sitting in the stands in Wellington for the Australia match, and about 30 minutes in, as we ran with the ball in our own end, and kicked the ball away in the Wallaby half of the field, and right after our scrum half kicked away hard won turn over ball at the Wallaby 10 meter line, the Kiwi sitting next to me, asks me” Are you a Yank”, I replied “yes”, he asked “Do you boys have a coach?” … enough said. We played with heart and there is something to be said for that, but we simply do not have the skill or speed to compete at the top level. Skip and I both agreed though that we have no idea why we can’t do better scrummaging and in the line outs – both are areas where coaching should allow us to compete fairly evenly one would think. It was easy to see how speed killed us in Australia’s backs – they moved the ball so quickly that we simply were out paced frequently – they had no problem getting outside our defense on a straight back line movement from a set piece, no dummy runners, no skip passes, just fundamental back line play – move it quickly and accurately – and a try was frequently the result. I was proud of our efforts, and I think Clever is a world class talent (or close to it), but by and large, as we have discussed many times, the major rugby playing nations of the world can rest easy since the best athletes out our population of 330 million can get rich playing 4 other sports (and soccer is getting close now) and culturally, this will never appeal to the masses, just to the crazed exceptions like Skip and I. Regardless, are we a developing each RWC into a better side? I think so, what else can I ask for but to play hard, never quit and leave it all on the pitch? If you do that you can carry your head high.
3. The most enjoyable team I have watched is a tough one…but if you mean in person, and I assume you do, I saw the following teams in action live; Romania, Argentina, Scotland, Georgia, USA, Italy, Russia, England, Australia and New Zealand. We saw multiple combinations of these teams playing (Like England vs. Georgia, and Argentina, Argentina vs. Romania and Scotland and then NZ in the ¼’s etc.). The most fun team to watch for me was Argentina – two reasons, they played defense ferociously and tackled like demons – and their fans were absolutely terrific in the stands – the chanted constantly, had numerous songs and chants, and were rarely quiet – and talked about dedicated – they dressed for the match like it was Wellington Sevens (saw one guy with a Kiwi taped to his head, another with a female mannequin tied onto his shoulders) – and they were like all rugby players everywhere, terrific fun in the pub afterwards.
4. I’m not sure there was a shit team to watch, there were some shit matches, but even then, if you were in the stands, the atmosphere was still terrific – we were in the stands for two Aussie blowouts, USA and Russia (Wellington and Nelson) and both were fun to be in the stands for – and the pubs in Wellington after the USA-Wallaby match were just insane – great time.
5. The most enjoyable match for me was the Scotland – Argentina match – in the rain in Wellington (lots of that rain in NZ). Scotland was held in check by the Puma defense all night, and the Scots were in command due to penalty kicks, and then suddenly a reserve wing for the Pumas comes in, gets a ball wide on the wing, goes 1 on 4 (it was never on mate, not even close), and makes some great individual moves and all of a sudden the Pumas snatch a victory. I also really loved being in the stands for the ¼ final between the Pumas and the AB’s. I was sure the kiwi fans were under rating the Pumas defense, and I told all of those around me the same thing – but I also said the AB’s would wear them down. Really good atmosphere in the park (not as good as watching Wales in Millennium or the old Arms Park but close) and a good solid match.
6. As you know, NZ is a beautiful country, and we went all over it. From Auckland to Invercargill, with stops in Dunedin, Christchurch, Nelson, Kaikoura, Picton and Wellington (and who knows how many scenic vistas, lunch stops, emergency pub stops etc.). We saw some incredible sights, enjoyed a great drive thru the Alps as well as helicopter ride over them, watched Samoa – S. Africa in The Flying Haggis Pub in Picton (one of the best matches in the tournament), watched Skip play in an old boys match in Auckland (and he was the youngster on the side), traded jumpers in a clubhouse at the drink up and songfest later, just Skip and I and the youngsters from the Carleton Grammar Club, met Sir Wilson Whineray, All Black from 1957-68 and Capitan for 6 of those years (he attended the Harvard Business School after retiring from international rugby in 1968), met and chatted with Nick Mallet and Justin Marshall, introduced myself to Robbie Deans and Quade Cooper, saw numerous players demonstrate patience and kindness with their young fans – especially the wallabies, saw great rugby and mediocre rugby in great surroundings, stayed in God knows how many hotels and B&B’s, only had one accident driving on the left (but in Dev’s honor I terrorized Bruce when I drove), made lots of new friends, and drank untold quantities of beer. For comparison purposes, I’d say it was an extended Love Chicken Scottish trip…on steroids.

AB’s over France in the final – especially if they play with the intensity they did against the Aussies.

World cup reports

so over the next few weeks we at Lovechickens RFC will be asking for postings asking your opinion on the World cup - if i ask you its because you can type more than 'it was really good' - make an effort and be involved except you Chris Ashton and you Alain Rolland - you can go swivel

what? theres another game on tomorrow?

Above: refereeing todays winner takes all match between England and Scotland is Frenchman Fraser 'Wild Willy' McDonald - he's from Marseille but his mams from Hawick

Ok I’m feeling a little better now although I am still not too happy about the Wales France game being refereed by Irishman of French parents Alain Rolland. When we play the French in the 6 nations after the French beat the English in the previous round, I want the referee to be Englishman of Welsh parents, Dewi Owain Glyndwr Gwasanaethau Wrexham Cheese and Chips Severn Bridge Evans Jones and let’s see how things roll on that one.
Just want to quickly blog on tomorrows game – well not so much the game but how freaked out the kiwis seem to be about it. Everybody I talk to say that the New Zealanders are absolutely shitting themselves about choking and listening to Conrad Smith in a press conference confirmed that. There was no quiet confidence just a plain honesty about being worried – I don’t think I can ever remember a New Zealand team so rattled.

Above: Pressing this button has been a Kiwi tradition since 1991 - will they avoid it this time?

Maybe this way of thinking may actually help them but I bet it doesn’t fill their supporters with joy. Many people are tipping the Ozzies to do it and the last time they met they did. It’s also going to be fun watching New Zealand arch nemesis Quade Cooper and how he plays tomorrow – in a recent poll he was voted most hated person in New Zealand ahead of the French blokes who blew up the greenpeace boat. The thing with Cooper is I don’t think he gives a flying fuck what they think and will do anything to wind up the Kiwis – expect a lot of them coming off the pitch at half time with cocks drawn in chalk on their backs or kick me signs. A semi final against your biggest rivals should be enough to get you going but knowing that if you win your going into a final against a team like the French would be a god send.

I now love Chris Ashton and I hate Alain Rolland……….and sand and queues.

sob.....excuse this....sob...excuse for a...weep...blog.....

Above: Todays game made me cry more than the last time i watched this and that was a lot

We could talk about Referees decisions, a red card when it should be yellow, hitting the word work, not once but twice and playing for an hour with 14 men but in the end it came down to not scoring when we should, not taking the right decision when we had the chance and France taking all chances at points on getting them on the board. In the end, the record books will show that Wales lost in a semi final against France in 2011 by 8 points to 9. There will be no mention of the positive fever that gripped a nation for weeks, bolstering its supporters with hope and togetherness, no mention of a world cup turned on its head by a rugby nation of 3 million fervent souls, wishing, preying and populating every spare pub, rugby club, sofa and roofed national stadium in the country and above all it will not mention a team on the other side of the world that played heads up attacking thrilling rugby coupled with heart bursting defence and belief that gave its all and more for the world of rugby. They showed pride, a dark, deep down in the pits of the stomach pride in the jersey they wore and the country and its people who they represented and did it every time they took to the pitch.

Over the top, yes I am but I, like many of us, have invested so much time, money and heart into following Welsh rugby teams and sometimes that investment has delivered little in return. Yes there were good times, some rip roaring but a lot of the time we lost because in the end because we weren’t up to it, many times it was because we made silly mistakes and other times it was a mismatch in talent, fitness and heart from the beginning – all hurt, if like me you cared that much, then it brought tears and that hurt was a hurt in the core of your very being but while I have that feeling now, its there with a bit of sobbing anger at the way we have been knocked out, that if we had been beaten in a game of 80 minutes, 15 men against 15 men and France would have won by beating us then I could have just cried, looked inside myself and known that its rugby and that sometimes that’s just the way it goes. No, as I have just said my body aches and shakes with bitterness about the story board of this defeat and so will the players and especially so young Sam Warburton. A player who everybody talked about, not just for being a warm, sensible, inspiring, mature Captain or for looking a bit like Christopher eccleston but for being a number 7 so good that Kiwis stopped talking about their number 7 for a bit to focus on this 23 year old – a player recognised even by opposition players and supporters as a hard working clean player who has been judged harshly in the biggest game of his life. I just hope he knows that the history books will remember a sending off while the people that care, the people of Wales and the world rugby fraternity will remember him not only for his time, leadership and talent at this world cup but for seasons and seasons to come.

This team have played with verve and passion and took us along on a special journey, they deserve the plaudits but also deserved to go further. I hope they know how proud we are of them and at this moment, while tearful, shaken and pouting like a twat I feel in some way that all that investment has been worth it.

written yesterday - too emotional to put it up - what a twat!

Other than being the handsomest man in the Lovechickens or scoring the fastest try in Welsh Assembly rugby history or being a much better putter than Richie Morris or a better player of paper scissors stone than Pete two Fannies I am not one for showing off or gloating but I will allow myself a bit of joy at the defeating of Ireland this morning. It was a game, a ball busting, full throttle, jiz my pants game. I thought every Ireland player possibly with the exception of Cian Healy played well, not well – very well but I thought that the Welsh display was gutsy – it wasn’t perfect- far from it but it did the job and everybody here can be justifiably proud and excited by next week. Everybody who was expected to deliver did so, so with that it in mind I have to single out Huw Bennett who is not always included on the fantasy team sheet for Welsh fans who today exceeded expectations, played through the pain barrier and delivered. It was nice to see Phillips back to his pomp and Captain Amazing just gets better and better. I thought Ireland were all over us for long stretches of the game but I could not understand why they brought off the half backs – thankfully we weren’t haunted by the spectre of too many replacements. A worry now must be the injuries to Charteris and Jamie Roberts, both played above and beyond. Anybody who doesn’t like this case of waxing lyrical to the max can sod off because loyal readers know that this doesn’t happen often and the last time I saw Wales in a semi final I had to go school half an hour later to be bullied by Pete two fannies (he pulled my fingers back and made me cry 2 years before – and now we are friends although I am waiting till he’s an ancient 81 and I am a sprightly 80 before I really sort the shit out and gain my revenge).

Loyal readers will also know that I rarely take the piss out of the English team with regards to their playing because I am an admirer but even the most one eyed England supporter would have thought that the team were a sack of shit this morning. Some performances but I wouldn’t even raise that to good. What the fuck was wrong with them – they could not even blame the ref who missed 2 English knock ons in 2 minutes. It wasn’t all johnnos fault but his after game interview was a disgrace and where was the mention of the great support they received – it was a me me me performance although I think true England supporters should be happy with the result because if they had got to the semi finals with their performances nobody would have thought that anything was wrong except the English supporters and the rest of the rugby world outside the RFU – they have the players and they have the support so lets see where they go from here. So it is Wales France semi final and I cannot wait – I am hoping that leivremental pulls another beauty out of his sack and decides to play Medard at prop and rene from Allo Allo at centre.

childish - fuck yeah!!

Paul O connell, Patrick keilty, Eamon holmes, the bloke who played magneto in the last xmen film, Jim Mcdonald from Corrie, Frankie Carson, Father Ted, Father Dougall, Father Jack, Mrs Doyle,Dervla Kirwin,Graham Norton, Dara O Brien, lots of peoples Grandparents in Boston, Liam Neeson, U2, West Side, Michael Flatley from Riverdance, a lot of the dancers who arent american in Riverdance, Boyzone,James Joyce, those little twats who must be at least 22 years old who nicked my wallet in Dublin on International day, Jimmy Cricket, Terry Wogan your boys took one hell of a beating..............

ahh its the Craic....of my arse

Above: I'm a Leprachaun m'dear! - No youre not - your a dwarfish Irish pisshead now fuck off

On the news this morning, they said that the support for the Irish down in New Zealand was incredible and that there were at least 20,000 Irish people in that last game.

Thousands of Irish from a country in such dire straights that its economy resembles my arsehole after all that ‘real’ ale I had on Friday. A country with such a shit economy that even the Greeks are laughing at them and refusing to slip them a fiver. How can they afford it? My only thought is that maybe they have forgone a night out in Dublin and spent the £8000 on a trip with accommodation and tickets on the other side of the world.

Or not – maybe those Irish supporters are about as Irish because they

1. Their great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great gran was from Ireland
2. had been to Ireland once on a day trip
3. Had seen Ireland on the telly once
4. drunk a pint of Guinness
5. eaten a potato and went around peoples houses looking to fix their fence for couple of hundred pounds even though they did the damage in the first place

Every time I have been to the States I have met someone who could only fulfil one of those 4 and who, in an American accent so American it would out American Big Doug Hansen, Kermit the Frog or Ronald Reagan dressed as a cowboy outfit, called himself and Irishman. Fucking grow up…………

Well you know how much I love to take the piss out of the Irish but what they are when it comes to rugby is a class side. Yes they have had their days of choke but haven’t we all?? Look at their players.

I love how O Driscoll is so competitive and aggressive. He is a world class player who is and always will be considered a rugby legend. It also pisses me off that he isn’t a bad looking boy (he’s no Pearce Brosnan but hey I’d finger him….) and that he has, in interviews a great sense of humour.

Who else though? Well the team is packed full of not good but great players. I may want to punch Ronan o Gara in the face every time I see him run on the pitch but what a player to have on the field and I don’t think there is a side that has got the back row of Ferris, Heaslip and O Brien. Well obviously there is a side that has got the three of them in – its Ireland but you know what I mean. Yes there are other mercurial back rows but come on – I think O Brien may even be player of the tournament so far although I think that Nick Mullins voted for Jonny Wilkinson and then Jonny Wilkinsons friends cat for second place.

Above: Jonny picking up his ITV rugby person of the next 5 million years medal

Look there is loads more – the team are household names O Connell, Healy, O Callaghan, Kearney, Bowe, D’arcy, Jimmy Cricket and they are doing this without BIG JOHNNY HAYES for fuck sake.

sorry i have been hungover

Above: This is a picture of many of the current Irish teams 1st cap back in 1893 in france - although it was Paul O Connells 4th

Sorry I haven’t written anything but I actually kicked the arse out of it in Gloucester over the weekend with the Lovechickens and have just spent the last few days feeling like shit and thinking everybody hates me because I invented Jar Jar binks in the Star Wars films or that I decided to invade Iraq on the back of something written down by a student saying there were weapons of mass destruction there.

So what happened? Completely missed the French game, or should I say the Tonga game? What a result but what a bunch of lazy knobsacks the French were…well up until they time they had the easy opportunity to kick a penalty and nonchalantly scored a try. I was drinking by the England Scotland game and I needed to be – I am fed up of saying this but England knows how to win games even if they play like a bunch of twats. Scotland deserved to win but I think not one of the 3 (including Argentina have set the world on fire). I know the French lost to Tonga and were pretty shit against the Kiwis but you saw more flashes of brilliance during the tournament than any of the others put together.

I was very please to see the Wales match and the result – yes we should have won but then again we should have won last time. I do not give a flying fuck if you think I am bias but we have hardly seen some of the inter linking play that Wales partook in in that game – it was fantastic – we would’ve needed more against a better side but some of the better sides would not have performed like that against poorer ones…that’s confusing but its staying in. Ireland were pretty damned awesome as well, they blew away Italy with aggression, single mindedness and with the all blacks, South Africa and Wales are the inform side. Wales? But they lost to the Boks? I know but they played fantastically and with style – they are inform so shut it.

So what happens next? The simple answer is that I haven’t got a clue. The Ireland Wales QF is going to be amazing – great players at the top of their game. Young players out to prove themselves, seasoned professionals going great guns in their last chance saloons out to get the prize they deserve. Its going to be amazing.

England v France – Another super match because we all know they have one huge game in them although knowing Leivremental its probably a game of ‘buckaroo’ or hungry hippos. Both teams have such good players but the French are temperamental toss bags the English team are toss bags except for Chris Ashton who has delivered for my fantasy rugby side. It seems that Jonny has been picked which means more sock abuse for Nick mullins but who better to win in a knock out competition?

South Africa v Australia – brawn v an injured hotch potch of tidy players. Cooper can still decide but I fear it is the Boks game to lose.

Argentina V NZ – Argentina hasn’t brought much to the party so even without the mighty Carter I think the Kiwis will choke in the next match.

news just in

2 English coaches have been knuckle wrapped today. God like boretron Jonny Wilkinson was missing his kicks against rugby giants Romania and decided that it was not his legs fault but the balls. In light of this the RFU have put in a request for the Scotland match. They are as followed

In case England do not score any points the Scotland team have been told that they are only allowed to select one of two people chosen in advance by Prince Harry. One is Macdonald Murdock wee Jock McPlop plop a 63 year old alcoholic from Glasgow or Dan Parks.

Mr Parks or Mr McPlop plop, whoever is selected, will only be allowed to play in white daps and mittens and will only be allowed to touch the ball twice before having to pass it back to Johnnos team for their turn.

In case England can’t get their kicks they have requested to change the size of the posts – they will now stretch the width of the pitch and the bar will be lowered to 3 foot. If Jonny doesn’t get it over he is allowed another 15 attempts and if after this amount he still hasn’t scored he will then be awarded 1 point for being an ace misser.

If Mr Parks and Mr McPlop plop are good at scrummaging the referee, Mr Lawrence Dallaglio will then move to passive scrums and will penalise the Scot for feeding.

The English team to be awarded points for coming on the pitch ala fantasy rugby.

The English team to be awarded the World cup on Friday just in case one of the other teams score more points than them in a game in the future

i was wrong - now stop keeping on

Above: Nick Mullins 'Jonny Wikinsonson Jonny Wilkinson Jonny Wilkinson jonny JONNY JONNY JONNY ARRRGGGHHHHHHHH Bang.......................'

No sooner had I extolled the presentation skills of ITV then Nick Mullins comes along and spoils everything. England had a good victory on the weekend but lets be honest it was only Romania. Mullins reacted as if he’d won first prize in the ‘get to finger Jessica Alba more than once’ competition. If England actually makes it to the final he will explode and Phil Vickery will be sat there covered in Mullins jizz and shit.

Back to the rugby jobs done for Wales, Ireland and England against lower tier sides. Job not fucking done for the Scots who went AWOL for a few minutes and in that time the Argentineans undid their zips, lobbed out their Jimmys and pissed over the Scots chips…..with battered mars bar. It was a shame but it has given the world cup a hell of a final weekend. There can’t have been a world cup like it – because some of the so called lower teams have put up a fight and there have been some weird results we go into the last weekend with things becoming interesting. Ireland has beaten Australia, the result of the tournament so far but they still have the Italians to go. Most people would say not a hope to the shit driving women botherers but isn’t that what they said to the Irish before becoming the wizards over Oz (geddit). Italy have silently gotten better as the tournament progresses and we all know they can really get going for one off games. They are not the favourites for this match but if they get going then Irish rickers will be twitching.

What about England – a shoe in, yes they played poor in patches but their momentum has been building. But now we have a desperate Scotland who have to win this to go through and we have Argentina waiting at the wings. England should do this but hey this is rugby and this is the world cup.

Wales, yes we were unlucky to lose to South Africa but we were lucky to beat Samoa. The possible outcomes are akin to the number of times Morgan has fallen asleep on dance floors throughout Christendom. Yes Fiji haven’t been on top form but they hardly set the world on fire 4 years ago where they tore us to shreds and knocked us out. Samoa haven’t played badly yet and lest we forget the victory against Australia a few months ago. If South Africa don’t do the business then….well I can hardly say it.

These are big fuck off games and we haven’t even started with the quarter finals yet
Let’s get it on

observations

Above: How surprised would we really be if L'mental had picked Pikachu instead of Picamoles in the back row?

What the fuck are the kiwis moaning about? Lievremental has made dodgy selection choices and statements in the past but putting a world class performer like Morgan Parra at fly half when he played so well there before I don’t think is one of them. The other is the leaving out of Harinorduquy who is playing below his best in place of an inform player like Picamoles who sounds like a pokemon character. The Kiwi press should suck it up and grow up. This is still a good French side with the likes of Dusuatoir, Bonnaire, Clerc, Traille, Nallet. It seems the expectation of a New Zealand world cup win isn’t only pressurising the players.

Ok ITV – I have something to admit. I actually liked some of the commentary with Nick Mullins and Phil Vickery……I actually appreciated what Vickery was saying and I enjoyed the banter. Another thing – I enjoy listening to Pienaar and Fitzpatrick – they are great and I better write this before I start head banging the wall, making a strange noise and eating my own shit but the host – Craig Doyle is fantastic. Listen to him and he actually is a rugby fan…maybe I am wrong and normal knobby, Wilkinson centred, kissball centred shite may resume but lets give credit where credit us due.

South Africa looked impressive against minnows Namibia who were blowing out of their arse by the end of it. Yes it was Namibia but many big sides would have let up but the Boks looked hungry. This weekend, of course I am looking forward to the Kiwis v the Froggy cach pots but I think the game I am especially excited about is Fiji/Samoa closely followed by Scotland/Argentina. They are going to be crackers although I can’t believe that Scotland left out Ansbro – he is pretty good.

Noticed Percy Montgomery giving out the water for South Africa – no wonder they played well with that handsome twat dishing out the mini pep talks – we have Neil Jenkins who has to be included in the Welsh team otherwise we are below our ginger quota now that Martyn Williams has sadly been left out.

Above: he could fucking eat you..Samoan Maurie Fa'asavalu
Just a final thing that I want to mention about the Wales Samoa match was how baby faced some of the Welsh players looked like in comparison to the islanders – i have to admit I shit myself a bit as I was there on my sofa in the wee early hours dressed in my pinkish red Welsh top, jimmy jam bottoms with a cup of tea….with that image I leave you happy and slightly turned on….

Above: North and Halfpenny really do enjoy sprint training

Below: Rhys Priestland.....awww

Sunday bloody Sunday and Ashton bloody Ashton

Above: A very tired looking Snakey Sheldon and Emily Bishop await the nod from the ref to alight the subs bench

What is wrong with Ashton? I give him yet another chance to redeem himself after spoiling my 6 nations and fantasy rugby game by including him yet again in my inner sanctum of fun and the squat faced twat runs in only 2 good tries……its Georgia! He could’ve had 5 or 6 – knob. Also, in another spate of making me look like a cock Ed Miliband lookalike American Black persons name Hape also gets on the score board. Well done to both. England were much better than they were in the first game but then again if Johnson had made 13 changes and 12 of them included some of the older cast of Coronation Street they would not have played any worse. Sure mistakes were made and the penalty count was crazy but they got there and that’s what matters – they are 2 from 2. Flood had a steady game but I don’t think he did enough to push his case ahead of Jonny. The commentator didn’t mention him 387 times but did piss me off by talking about gazillionaires kissball team Chelsea. This is a rugby world cup – fuck off –we hear about your sport all the time – give us this you wankers.

Wales seem hellbent on giving me a heart attack. Why can’t they make things a little easier on us sometimes. I thought I would get up at 0430, sneaking downstairs for a midnight feast like small child, watch the game where we came good in the last half hour and then off up the stairs to Bedfordshire to gain a valuable 40 winks. Instead they fucked around like kids playing chase with a bag chock full of dog shit, being out played by the country the size of the British Legion in Bristol so by the time Iit had finished my heart was going so fast that I thought I had brushed my teeth with whizz. I thought the Samoans played with passion and in the second half were so much better than us. I would have rather Warren had brought on Edwards Scissorhands then Andy Powell who must have got his hands and his chest the wrong way around as he spent the whole match trying to catch the ball with the latter. He made a couple of good tackles but the rest of time wandered around like a lost special needs kid in the big Tescos in Haverfordwest. I am gutted about Hook and Dan Lydiate, they are great players and as I write this do not know how serious their injuries are. However I feel I am being too tough on the boys, Warburton was great and I think the game suited Phillips although I do get fed up of people taking the ball from the bottom of our ruck while our players stand around gawping as if they were in that place in Amsterdam where you used to pay 2 guilders to watch a man dressed as Batman and 2 women get it in on like Donkey Kong. Anyway I thought Halfpenny was good when he came on and George North continues to impress although he did that ‘get the ball, jump up and down but go nowhere thing’ that was shit. Lets hope we rip loose against Namibia and put some points on – I don’t know about Fiji – we’ll probably win by 2 points against Namibia and hammer the islanders – Wales are the new French or as they say in Tondu – the les Nouveau Francais………

jizmongous - another blog - this time fm Spen the Viking

Above: Todd Clever always gets mixed up with Michael bolton when theyre out playing bingo

One of the things that's been intriguing me about the RWC so far is the amusing array of shit hair styles on display.

Once upon a time, we had to rely on Paul Griffin or the Wales team for ridiculous facial adornments and shit haircuts; but in this World Cup we have been gifted with a plethora of comedy hirsuteness.

We have, on one American flank the Michael Bolton-esque locks of Todd Clever, and on the other, the tribute to 1980s Germanity that is the mullet and shitty blond moustache of Louis Stanfill.

The Canadian forwards have brought the 19th Century fur-trapper look with them to New Zealand, while their backs have revived the 'Sick Boy from Trainspotting' late 1990s peroxide job.

Even Ma'a Nonu appears to have just got back from his holidays in Thaliraki, judging by the multicoloured braids that have been added to his normally Predator-style dreads.

In fact, the one notable omission from the Rugby World Cup of hairyness, is the very welcome disappearance of John Kirwan's stupid little lump of beard from underneath his bottom lip. Good riddance.

So which, if any, coifferie faux pas have tickled your funny bone so far?

Spen (The Viking)

anything Wales can do Ireland can do better...mumble grumble mumble

Above: Stephen and Terence have been booked for Englands next game preparation, lets hope that Ashton doesnt try to get off with them rather than throw them - he would, he's like that and i heard once that he killed a puppy and a fairy...and justin bieber
Well I crawled from my sick bed to watch this match and I wasn’t disappointed. Ireland showed Wales what they needed to do to match and then beat one of the top three. Yes Ireland continue to moan at the referee more than I moaned last week when I found my fifth silver pube but so what? Martin Johnson got to win a world cup by doing it. Maybe I am just jealous. This is a great world cup, in years gone past Wales would have put a shit side out against South Africa just hoping to beat the others. Ireland may have done the same. This time England are in a hard group of three and even the others are showing their metal – look at Georgia and Romania competing with Scotland – this is excellent news. Wales play Samoa and Fiji and if either of the 2 island teams win it won’t be an unbelievable shock. Anyway back to today, Australia looked a little shell shocked and Ireland did give it to them – I still think that the weird cabbage patch kid lookalike Beale was amazing and with O Brien the best players on the pitch.

It seems that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and England are now copying Wales by going on huge seshes in the middle of competitions. 2 positives for England. While Wales’ indiscretions all involve either stealing shit or getting duffed up by people in Burgerking, at least England’s shenanigans involved dwarves and blonde birds with big tits. The other positive was Martin Johnsons reaction ‘rugby players go out and drink beer shocker’ he said at the press conference or something like that. It may come back to bite him on the arse if they under perform but I think it was a reaction to the non rugby press and the non rugby world to fuck off.

So for Welsh people tomorrow we have to get up at stupid a clock just to shit ourselves for a few hours…….i just hope we play well

Fat mike predicted that New Zealand would score against 82 points against the Japs rather than the 83 they did..i don’t do shout outs and congratulations usually…so I wont bother starting now….enjoy mo fos

my views from Phil umbungo umbongo they drink it in the congo

First of all thank you for giving the kiss of death to wunderkind Ashton!

What a weekend! All the big boys played like Woodhouse Weasels on a particularly bad day with the exception that at the last minute they pulled some magic out of their arses and actually won!

I was hoping for a Japanese win over les bleurghs just to teach them a lesson. I had to miss the last bit of the game to go and give my grandson his first England rugby shirt and sit and watch the England game with him. (he is rubbish at necking cans when Johnny misses kicks but then he is only nine months old. At least he doesn't start a fight in a Cypriot disco when I am about to go home with the winner of Miss Sexiest Swedish Tourist (Worldwide))

Anyway, off I go with Japan sticking it right up them and only a couple of points in it. Easily doable I think only to find out the dirty cheating cheese eating surrender monkeys had discovered how to play rugby and scored a handful of tries! Bastards!

England where do I start. I had visions of the forwards upsetting the Argies and tying them up in the middle of the park whilst Ashton, Foden, Manu and Arms glided gracefully with the speed and elegance of gazelles into the corners for tries. Hmmm. Penalties galore and it seems some thieving git nicked Johnny's boots. Still I hope that now Argentina are behind us, muttering malvinas to themselves we will pull our fingers out of our arseholes and play some proper rugby.
At the end of the day it seems that the big boys, when the chips are well and truly down can still turn things around.

I then turn to Wales. Wales shouldn't be disappointed that they lost they should be fuming. The game was theirs. With the exception of the first try, the only team that looked like winning the game were Wales. Hook's penalty... I don't know. The commentator said it bent back in after going past the posts. I didn't see that and it looked like a score to me, but we have all been there and have to abide by the ref's decision. Look at Mike Phillips' 'try' against Ireland. The Welsh back row are amazing and will do wonderful things over the next few years. They now have to go and tank Samoa, a bogey team for Wales given their previous World Cup meetings.
There's still all to play for and loads more games to come! Hurrah! I bloody love rugby me

why aye man or whatever geordies say - some predictions from canny man but not Oz from auf wiedersehen pet

Above: International superstars Beyonce and Jay-Zed looking confused after hearing French coach and fruitloop Lievremental tells them that they are playing at 9 and 10 for France against Canada....Beyonce plays on the wing

Righto then. I've been saying since the Super However Many that Convict Island look favourite for the World Cup. I stand by that.

Wales v Samoa, PlD, 04:30Wales has so far been the only British side to play convincingly (and they were facing the current champions!) Despite Samoa having beaten you lot before, and being manned by human tackling Exocets, and having a Moody-like lack of concern for health in every aspect of the game I think that Wales' technical superiority and ability to regroup in the face of bullying thugs will give them the win. Dole Scum Sheep Molesters - 29Cannibal 2nd XV - 13

France v Canada, PlA, 09:30 Canada beat USA in their warm ups, and they ran Ireland to the end. France played like dildoes against an inspired and inspiring Japan. I reckon shame will make Good France take the field and their undoubted strength in depth in almost every position will outclass Canada on the day. Huffy Shrug Exponents - 31Seal Clubbers - 9 Do I win £5?

prick

one way of nullifying the scoring prowess of Chris Ashton is to select him for your world cup fantasy league where he does sweet fanny fuck all.............

world cup thoughts

Above: September 2011 and Kiwi fans get Aucklands new taxi to the Tonga game

ok lets look at the weekends results from the big boys. The kiwis did their job, enjoyable match and Tonga did their bit to. Bit pissed off that the Italians didnt keep it up for the whole 40 minutes and capitulated against Australia. The one thing we can take away from this weekend was that England, Scotland and Ireland can play shit and win while Wales play their socks off and lose. I think people under estimated the Romanians especially the jockinese, i'd worry about the Georgians a little more. i think this team should start repaying Andy the Hulks Robinson pride, heart and commitment and start going for it. The USA played well, much better than anybody thought. Ireland did their usual and shit out. i have to say that out of all the rugby that has been played its the American captain Clever that has impressed me the most just ahead of Japan's Arlidge, Warburton and Kahui. Now i have been known in the past for a bit of English bashing but even ski Barr and Spenny's Lovechild born wrapped in roast beef who becomes king of the Morris dancers must admit that England were shit. they have the penetration of a flacid penis after an particularly aggressive wank. Argentina werent any better though. Wales played their socks off, i thought they were brilliant but we have seemed to miss the fact that so were the South Africans. fuck the penalty call, Wales had 2 better chances to win the game, the South Africans played like world champions and that was because they played clever.

For about 15 minutes France were about to replace Wales as team most likely to be humilated in a world cup, Japan showed a lot of passion - it was amazing! Leivremental's plans unravelled for a moment but France stepped up to the plate.
So far then? World cups going well and very enjoyable, big 3 played well and Ireland and England are probably building for something better. Wales should be disapointed but very proud but will we do as we always do, up for the big games, struggle with the others. Italy and Argentina have seemed to go backwards the so called smaller countries move onwards and upwards.it doesnt matter - anything can happen.

be warned

Above are the gravestones of John Evans and Evan Jones. They foolishly played a drinking game that involved necking two fingers of beer everytime the ITV commentators mentioned Jonny Wilkinson in games that England were not playing in. Those poor boys drank 20 pints in 40 minutes and died not of drinking but through frustration at the shit commentary

World cup! World cup! World cup! damn shit myself......

Above: God gets first dibs on Dan Carter for his kick about down Roath Park

Well I went into work today jet lagged to fuck from my trip to the land of big cars, big bellies, big portions and big mentalists with big guns. All of a sudden someone mentions rugby and through my sleep-addled befuddlement I realise that tomorrow the world cup kicks off.

Low key is not the word. If this was the kiss ball billionaire rapist’s world cup it would be everywhere. All I’ve seen is a packet of McCoy’s with something on. ITV have surpassed even their usual shitness by showing off their coverage of the world cup by having it on ITV 4. Fucking ITV 4, they will probably stop the final half way to show an episode of Morse.

Why can they never get it right? Next time why don’t they give up altogether, not bother showing it and have Ant and Dec re-enact the game while Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and Fergie off the Black eyed Pies give their verdict on the sock puppets performance. ITV were shit before and it seems that the only upside for them is that they are consistent.

Above: Ozzie full back Kurtley Beale shows its not all about being ace at rugby

Moan over! What the hell has this world cup got in store for us? It going to have competition. It has an All Blacks with a destiny. Aussies and saffers with ambition and France, England, Ireland and Wales that can cause upsets and make it to the final. It has minnows that want to be there and will make a difference, above all we have rugby. Is this Dan Carters chance to emulate Jonny or will Jonny do that himself. What about Cooper and Genia for teaming or will Phillips and Hook click. Will the Argentineans use their pack for domination but miss the mercurial talent of Hernandez.

I don’t bloody know do I but that is what this is all about. Tomorrow morning we will see what New Zealand have to offer when they play one of the teams that they nick lots of their players from, Tonga. Its going to be interesting to see how people will react to arriving in New Zealand and finding there are only 5 hotels in the whole of the country and Big Doug is using 2 of them.

its no wonder i am angry

Above: After securing a deal for £5 with KFC the WRU send out our brave boys against South Africa in their new shirts

The English made a great leap forward in becoming even more English last Saturday. Yes they wore black which my views upon have been noted but they took it even further – it wasn’t just black – it was black with pin stripes – I was expecting Johnny to come out with a monocle and a top hat. Yesterday I found out that the WRU having seen the negative press coming from England choosing to play in black have decided that Wales is to play in Black.

rugby is back - thank fuck

Yay rugby has returned!! Tomorrow we will see England v Wales and fuck it that Wales usually play crap in warm ups and get bummed – we can actually watch some glorious rugby. Spenny Dinosaur teeth contacted me early this morning and made this comment

‘just seen the team sheets for tomorrow – I thought you’d already played the Barbarians’
included because
a. its funny
b. topical
c. said by a true blue proud Englishman so I cant be accused of bias against the evil colonial robbing bastards

Yes the first thing you do notice is that the England team does seem to be more of a colonies XV then a merry old England one. We’ve all been at it in the past. We’ve had Irish players that have sounded more English than Boris Johnson and a plethora of the so called kilted kiwis and of course who can forget some of the Welsh players of the past whose only link to the country was that their granddad once stayed in a hotel in Bristol that showed the Welsh news. There are Argentineans who are Italian, Moroccans and Georgians who are French and lets not get into those robbing fuckers down under. What grips the shit a bit here is that out of all the rugby world it is the English that have the biggest playing base to pick from. Excellent age group rugby, excellent professional set up, a twat named Chris Ashton who made me lose fantasy rugby and they also have a strong league so why do they want to trawl the world. It seems a little embarrassing and it must piss off young, excellent home grown players who are left on the bench. Another thing that is shit is that these players aren’t from say Luxembourg or Mongolia where they will never perform the sport on the big stage they are from Samoa NZ and South Africa.
Above: I say you chaps, the first person to hit the target will play fly half on saturday against the sheep shaggers
Anyway that’s by the by – this is still a good English team with lots to offer. Jonny Wilkinson is so English just sitting in the same changing room could make any Johnny foreigner break into some impromptu Morris dancing whilst belittling other cultures for not understanding cricket or speaking English. All eyes are on Tuilagi and yes, the battle between both sets of centres will be awesome but Armitage has a lot to prove and Danny Care may not want to give up the number 9 jersey so easily this time. Stephen Jones gets the nod for his 101st cap. A good solid player who deserves the record of most capped Welshman, he has to get this back line going and Jamie Roberts has to repay the faith that has been placed in him by the Welsh supporters. Not Adam Jones and Not Gethin Jenkins are starting but they play a pretty hard English front row especially now that ‘daddy cocaine’, Matt Stevens is back.

Nothing can be taken from these warm ups at this stage – the one to look forward to is next week where the chess like tactics of the coaches should shine through.

So who is it going to be – I don’t know – just enjoy the rugby.

warm ups et al

Other than the RFU being in total disarray, black shirts and shreks twin brother marrying into royalty there hasn’t been much news from Half man half ogre Martin Johnson and his team. There have been lots of ‘what whats’ from the English based press that cannot believe that most people who like rugby think that England wearing black shirts is a shit idea – its not anti English its just a shit idea.

North of the border, Andy Robinson, the only international coach who is actually locked into the management team box on match day because of the predicted casualties amongst the crowd, has been reported that he ‘knows 25 of the 30 players who will make up his world cup squad’ I suppose he will have to have some sort of blind date with the other 5. It seems the SRU have also been through the mill recently with comings and sackings. Is there some sort of Arab summer of rugby unions going on?

Of course since the death of Franco in the 70’s the WRU is the closest thing we have to a totalitarian regime in Western Europe and seeing that they put themselves on a par with NATO, the EU, the Vatican and Macdonalds I don’t think there will be bloodletting any time soon. Good news is that none of the Welsh team have been found forging pound coins or hacking into the Pentagon so I must deduce that they are getting on with things like rugby.

Annoying wind up merchant Warren ‘the next team we play I will go on telly saying that they all fiddle with kids so that they get angry and play above themselves and beat us thus negating the need for stupid mind games’ Gatland is pleased with the way things are going. I have decided that I am going to believe him and try to stay positive. They have reacted the right way to Welsh fans anger and incredulity over the past 8 months and its time to judge him on results. I saw Gatland down Cardiff Bay a month ago – he looks like he has lost a lot of weight – its probably down to him shouting at his players not to shoplift from WHsmiths every time the team bus stops in a service station.

Ireland are so chuffed with their coach his tenure has been extended, which is a very Welsh way of doing things. Rewarding someone before they have done what they have meant to. The Irish have 4 very tough warm ups against England, Scotland and the French twice, with a lot of the team that won the Grand slam back in 1949 still involved lets hope they don’t run of steam.

Finally for this blog I have to give some news on the Cambodian rugby team as this morning two people from that country tuned in to this very blog to learn all about Mike Tindall. According to the IRB website they have website and a president whose name is Madame Tan Theany who sounds like some James Bond baddie. Cambodia’s rugby team lost their last match only a few weeks ago to arch rivals Lao but as nobody from that country bothered to read the website they can go fuck themselves – the Lovechickens are Cambodia all the way.

World cup warm ups and all that

I have been away for a while and for that I am truly sorry – liots going on but none of it with rugby but with the kick off of the tri nations rugbyathon last week and some sort of action on selection here in Wales maybe we have some news to look at.

Southern Hemisphere
Last week the Ozzies redeemed themselves a little after being hauled over by Samoa by handing out a hiding to Lethal Weapon two baddies South Africa albeit the ones who:

1: wanted to play
2: selected to play by lievrementalesque coach de Villiers
3: Actually had a passport

The score says 39-20 but the reality is that South Africa were never really in it.

The All Blacks tumfed Fiji 60-14 with most commentators talking about how rusty the Kiwis were. It says a lot for a team that can win by that much while being rusty – Wales will come in their pants to beat them by 5 when being red hot come the World cup. While the score must have been disappointing, it also must have helped the former cannibals (not racist – fact) that they managed to keep all their players on the field since the last time they ran out they finished the game with 13 players, most of their team having lost it and started bending anybody within 5 metres of them.

This morning or evening or afternoon depending on where you are reading this, The All Blacks added more misery on the fun loving and laughter filled springbok supporters. 40-7 the score and Dan Carter the person who could turn water into wine and then walk on it has retaken the international points tally from Jonny Wilkinson. The list is as follows:
Dan Carter
Jonny Wilkinson
Neil Jenkins

Three great players but in a game of snog, shag, push off a cliff, it seems that Neil Jenkins’ face would be even more out of a place after a terrible fall……………..

Above: I am sorry Neil-make your way to the cliffs and i will be with you once i have shagged young Carter here

Hope

Above: Mike Tindall (left) and an exhausted English rugby team gather their thoughts after a particularly tough training session with talkative ball sack Martin Johnson

A lesson to us all from Mike Tindall that no matter how ugly you are – being a rugby boy will get you laid and being a famous one will get you married to royalty.

A great player, a great servant to the game, a double hard bastard and one ugly son of a bitch

flipping hell - what next namibia beat the Boks?

Shit sticks……..basking in the recent news that World cup group opponents were playing dismally in the recent games against Japan and Fiji, Welsh fans should be now re-shitting themselves after hearing the news that Samoa have beaten the number 2 team in the world Australia by 32 points to 23. Yes it was a mostly second string but the result is there and it was in the ozzie’s back yard – we would have taken it!

no - i would love to spend another £80 on a new rugby shirt - honestly!

England have decided to play their opening match of the World cup in black. What a complete loads of tossers – not the English rugby team but the powers that be who are determined to strangle even more money out of the rugby supporting community. What the fuck has black got to do with England? Why go to the all black hosted world cup and wear the same top as the hosts – its not going to make you play like them you idiots. Watching the English rugby team come on the pitch resplendent in white must be such an amazing feeling for any English rugby supporter, any English kid who isn’t a giant twat looks forward to the day when they can put on the white shirt of their country.

Above - Black...no not Colin Charvis but his bloody shirt

The WRU are of course worse and would actually put the Welsh team in English rugby replica tops if it meant getting more money out us. While I decry the English move to black for one game the Welsh team have ran out in virtually all the Dulex paint colour range in the past few years. These include Black, greyish black, some colour that looked like you had a shite washing machine that couldn’t do whites properly so came out gray, Yellow…..FUCKING YELLOW? They claim it was gold but it was fucking yellow. Wales’ colours are red unless at home when we are playing someone like the Canadians and therefore because rugby is a sport of gentlemen and manners the HOME team changes and therefore Wales runs out in green – that’s it - as black people say in the USA – end of.

Below: The 1990's - proof that those robbing fucks at the WRU will try anything to sell kitsas Nigel walker, Mikey Rayer and Ieuan Evans try on the new options.

What are the odds eh?

We are a few months out from the World cup. We still have to go through the summer warm ups where we have the idiotic situation where teams who may meet in the latter stages of the world cup actually play each other or we have the 58 gamed twice daily yawn fest that is the tri nations. I am not going into my much anticipated xenophobic World cup guide for a while yet so for something different I thought I would look at the odds for the forthcoming piss up….i mean rugby tournament. Although we have our own bookie on the other side of the pond - i was forced to look online because ours couldnt be arsed to go to a lot of time and effort for Morgan to put 50p on Shane Williams to score against Yemen at odds of 1-25.
Above: Everytime Ski mentioned Formula 1 in a day the College of the Bahamas gained $1 - they were very pleased with the result
Well of course the favourites to win are the same ones that were favourites in 1987, 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003 and 2007 and who are going to be favourites in 2015, 2019 and 2024 before the yellow peril that is the Chinese having vanquished all that comes before them turn their interest to something they have never done before such as rugby, civil rights and climate change. Yes the odds on favourites that is New Zealand whose odds are so brilliant that if you bet your house on them and they won you would probably get your house back with a tenner. However as you all remember from all those dates after 1987 – the All Blacks choked and therefore could do it again. Above: Mary and Samantha were in pieces after finding out how much they had raised after Ski's sponsored silence
So who else do we need to look at to win some spondulies, whose as soft as a flaccid penis after a solid 10 minutes sock abuse and whose as hard as that very sock a mere 24 hours later.

Well it seems the bookies go along with the rest of the worlds idea that the big southern hemisphere three will do well but odds are better for Australia with around 4-1. South Africa, the country made famous for being the baddies in Lethal weapon 2 and those stupid fucking horns that the kissball world loved in their world cup aren’t far behind them at around 6 or 7 to 1.

Argentina who surprised everybody last time out are surprisingly way down the pecking order (pecking – chickens – geddit – forget it) with odds ranging from 80-1 to 150-1 worse than all the six nations except Scotland and Italy.

Even though the English struggled/were tumfed by the Irish they are way favourites out of the northern hemisphere teams probably relating to some strength in depth and therefore competition for places. The bookies probably want to stay away from the French team who are not used to playing with each other as Lievremental has chosen the population of Marseilles to play for France over the past 4 years. Wheezing from the diets of gallois fags but boosted by the extreme fitness regimens of shrugging and burning things at ports the bookies don’t know which team will turn up but neither do the team or the French management. The English are around 10-1 which is worth a flutter and the French are at around 16-1 also worth forgoing a jar of pickled mussels and a pint of Babycham.

I have already mentioned incredible Hulk in waiting Andy Robinsons Scotland propping up the Celtic countries with odds of 150-200-1. Wales follows with a mere 40-60-1 I think they are the same odds as Andy Powell learning to sign his name with his favourite crayon. 40-1 is great considering half the team will be doing time for some almighty bank heist by then. Vanquishers of England with some style, Ireland are between 22 and 33-1 the bookies probably remembering that when it comes to world cups they are piss poor.
Below that it is pretty much the same sort of thing with Italy Samoa and Fiji being around 500-1000. Big news for all our American Lovechickens is that their odds are between 1000 and 2500 (these figures are odds not the amount of Mexicans who come through El Paso every hour). Countries like Russia, Georgia, Namibia and weirdly even Japan are down the 5000-1 mark. I don’t think I am being a twat when I say that 5000-1 for Russia to win the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand on their first time of asking, when a lot of their players are involved in the French second division or playing part time in Russia holding down their other jobs as drunks and hired thugs for English kissball team owning gazillionaires, is pretty shit – lets up their odds and see if Big Gav Henson cant find a Russian Nan somewhere, not that he knows where Russia is.

The mighty battle of Carmarthen

Its Monday so we need cheering up so I will tell you a rugby related story that could give you as much pleasure as it has me over the years.

I have a friend..lets call him…..Horgan Mart…ingenious because that’s not his real name, I just made that up.
Anyway this happened back in the annals of time. It was 1990 the start of Desert Storm, the non retarded Bush was in the White house, pointy faced destroyer of all, Maggie Thatcher was actually out out out replaced by John Major who won the pull a pig competition by having Edwina Currie and the music scene was starting to look a little promising.

A Canadian school had come over to play Fishguard secondary school at rugby. Its not called Secondary school anymore obviously because the Americans have much better names for schools and it is called Fishguard high school. What a complete load of shit – next they’ll want us to call crisps – chips and chips fries unless they beg to become part of the commonwealth again and we can sort out this stupid tipping business of theirs (oh your boss isn’t paying you enough? Please let me pay you extra for doing your job so your boss can get cheap labour). Anyway as Fishguard people were hosting the teams they all decided to get a bus and go on the piss to Carmarthen which is 40 miles away.

For anybody from outside the ancient kingdom of Dyfed, these names won’t mean much to you. Little explanation – Fishguard is a sleepy seaside town with a ferry that goes to Ireland. It’s now rough as fuck but still a good place on the beer – there are no jobs but middle class arty types from England still want to open art studios there. Carmarthen is hole populated with people who have mullets, shit teeth, stone washed skin tight jeans and shiny white trainers, prostitution was wiped out there during the 90s when the professional women had to move on to newer areas as the local screeching harridans had been giving it away for free.

Carmarthen people unused to outsiders and the sight of a bus (they called it the iron horse and to this day tell their kids about the time it came into town) were very angry that the Fishguard people and Canadians had come into town, drank their drinks and kissed their women. A mighty fight ensued involving all parties and by the end there were even cases of Canadians fighting Fishguard people.

It was a battle to awaken the Gods from their slumber but bit by bit fights turned to scuffles and scuffles turned to squaring up and bit by bit Fishguard people and Canadians got back on the bus. Horgan Mart breaks away from is battle royale and returns to the iron horse

Fishguard boy on bus: Horgan! How did you get on? I saw you getting stuck in.
Horgan Mart: Yes I hammered him – long haired twat was screaming by the end of it
Horgan sits down and the next one gets on the bus.
Fishguard boy on bus: How did you get on?
New boy on bus: fine but did you see Horgan beat up that girl……………….

i dont think i have anything to add to this

http://youtu.be/RvUIbqKyppY

its very quiet out there...............

Arrrgggh!!! There is nothing happening in northern hemisphere rugby.Not one of the Welsh team has gone out and showed his cock to a bunch of school girls or flown his plane, pissed and naked into the Houses of Parliament. Everytime I refresh the BBC rugby page it comes back with fuck all except that Dai Young is the new head man at Wasps so I may as well comment on that. I did hear on the radio that he reckons he is going to a better team – what an twattish thing to say! So what he is saying is that the team he is going to who has been coached by someone else is actually better than the team he has been coaching for the last 55 years. Dai Young was considered a good player who went straight into coaching at a top level. You can cut him some slack for that but no matter what he did at the Blues they did not get rid of him. I dont really have a problem with that.

Why? Well I don’t want to go down the football road when the manager of Huddersfield or Locomotive Llanberis gets sacked 4 games into the season because the fans and their Russian/Malaysian Killionaire backers cant believe that they haven’t beaten all 4 teams by 23 goals and are not in the champions European super extreme league with all the other gazillionaire chav rapists.

I know you should give a coach a bit of time but with a team that has some fantastic players with a pretty good squad you would have thought that the Blues as well as Ospreys would be near the semi finals of the European cup and Magners (whatever its called now) play offs every time. The fantastic winning of the Amlin Cup not so long ago against a great side like Toulon should be applauded and you have to feel sorry for them losing to Leicester on a drop goal off but still – they should have been better. Young has been touted as a future Welsh Coach – lets see how he does with an out of form Wasps in an uber competitive English premiership and then lets start talking him up.

self destruct of the Welsh rugby team in 5....4.....3

For fucks sake…..maybe this should be a blog dedicated to rugby star indiscretions and out and out fuck ups. This week in the lead up to 7th ever rugby World Cup, an event which brings the best sport in the world (other than Monkey knife fighting and giant pub jenga) back to the mother ship that is New Zealand, a World cup so important that Wales, for the first time, has managed to keep the same coach in preparation, a World cup so important to Wales because last time we failed to reach the quarterfinals, a world cup that maybe, just maybe we have a chance to reach the heights we have the ability to reach and Gavin Henson, the son of prophecy a man so good that even if he’d lost his hand in some sort of light sabre accident after an argument with his father would still have people clamouring for his appearance in the shirt of his country, has announced that he is fully focussed on the tournament ahead and that other than his kids who he left in a flash to head off to France, THIS tournament, The World cup no less is his priority………..er….no….The most muscled oompa loompa outside Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory is spending his time announcing that he is appearing as ‘the Bachelor’ the British version of the US hit.

FOR FUCKS SAKE, what is wrong with him? I stated that Rocky was a little retarded in the last blog – he seems like Professor Steven bloody Hawkins compared to Henson. It’s on bloody Channel 5!! What next, Gavin climbing up a tree, traversing over a washing line to steal some nuts from a bird feeder so he can try and get on ‘animals do the funniest things’! The human budgie is so fame hungry but doesn’t he realise he can get that from playing well in one of the biggest sporting events in the world?

Anyway I’d never heard of the bachelor until reading this in the news. It seems loads of birds compete by a series of group and one to one dates and the winner, picked by big Gav will be his missus. He plays rugby for Wales for fuck sake, that’s what happens in Cardiff on a Saturday night anyway. What a shit concept, you know your not going to spend the rest of your life with this vacuous bint so why not pick the smartest with the biggest tits, pick her, shag her and then she can move onto the X factor and if your Gav, you can move onto something equally moronic. He is saying that he is looking for the one but is that because that’s the highest number he can count up to? Above: After half an hour of her internet flirting date with Gavin, Jenny gives up when he phones up to ask how to turn the computer on
Angry man who needs a wank, Mike Phillips has also ended up in the shit after kicking off with bouncers outside McDonalds. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO EVERBODY??? What next? Warren Gatland and Adam Jones being caught after their ‘knock and run’ campaign brought chaos to a street in Kenfig Hill, Lee Byrne and Shane Williams being caught in Cardiff at lunchtime without a note or even mongadon Andy Powell being caught stealing a golf buggy and driving it the wrong way up………..oh wait………Phillips has been suspended now but I’d be more embarrassed that I’d been bended by two bouncers in a fast food place.
Above: In August George North is caught trying to break into Derek the Weathermans house to piss on his cats...
This isn’t happening to other teams, I bet the English are all tucked, snugly warms in the dorms at Hogwarts by 9 o clock after training for 12 hours, sent off to sleep with the reading of Jonny Wilkinson’s book read by Jonny Wilkinson with the Under 20’s English side preparing the grown ups boots for the next day. I take the piss but they seem to know how important this is, why cant Wales?

When two tribes go to war

Above: USA! USA! slightly retarded American hero shows his colours and acting talents

Forget England v Scotland, forget Australia v Ireland and forget South Africa v Wales this game is the one the world is waiting for – a grudge match from 1918. This is revenge for Apollo Creed, this is payback for the Bay of Pigs, This is Reagan v Gorbachev, capitalist v communist, this is Belushi v Schwarzenegger in red heat this is

USA v Russia
I know we are a long way away from American paranoia and reds under the bed and Russians queuing up for 5 years so they could get the wrapping of a Big Mac in exchange for their daughters Natasha and Nikita, but growing up in the 70s and 80s – this was the big one. It’s strange to think that it wasn’t until super actor Ronnie Reagan stared the commies down and called their bluff that everybody thought that the yanks were the underdogs in the cold war – everyone was shitting themselves as the Russians threw themselves into competing in the space race, the arms race and most sports of the world….er…race, little did we realise that they were all a bunch of malnourished, poor, huge piss heads and they were winning the space race by sending their cosmonauts up to space by giant elastic band.

Above: Pissed on shit vodka and tired from shagging his sister, cosmonaut Boris prepares for blast off

US paranoia obviously has moved on from those damned russkies and onto the threat of a free health care system which obviously is much scarier. They also don’t like the Muslims and so it seems neither do we which seems ironic because we love to arm them for lots of their money, train their troops so they can kill us better and invest lots of money draining their resources. In 400 years time when we have bled them dry – we will be back in charge so ha! Its also funny that even in the late 80s the US believed the Soviets to be so advanced that in the reality TV documentary ‘Rocky IV’ the fighter from the richest country, Rocky, was training in a shack and running through the snow in a sack while the bankrupt soviet fighter named Ivan (quelle surprise) was in a more high tech gym then there are available even now, 25 years later.

Enough of that though – this is it – American eagle v Russian Bear. Even though the Russians are going to be coached by Wales’ Kingsley Jones and he is indeed in a Graham Henry styley searching every rugby club in both hemispheres for anybody with a blonde flat top called Ivan (quelle surprise), its got to be a class win for the yanks. There game is improving, in the next 20 years things will change – they are starting to appreciate 7s (even though 7s is the draughts of chess) and with their resources, increased rugby scholarships and some of the best athletes in the world they will start making a difference. Above: 'Not all Americans are fat' states Brad Kentuckyderby IV after winning USA's slimmer of the year
It wont be long before they change all the rules, call it a different game which foreigners don’t understand and then call it the world series.

what the fu.....World cup times

Just checking the UK times for the World cup – these really are going to be all dayers of biblical proportion.

Welsh, English and Irish supporters latest games are at 0930 but there is only one of those. The poor sweaty socks (jocks) from the frozen north have their latest game on at bloody half eight although that’s when they normally go out drinking cheap whisky and eating lard.

Above: Come on Pete, open University is about to finish and kick offs in five minutes!
Thing is, before long it wont be long til the WRU think they can make more money holding games at half three in the morning and make all the Welsh games be played at that time on a Tuesday.

I cant believe I have to get up at 0430 in the morning to watch our 4 yearly humiliation at the hands of Samoa, a country no bigger than Pete Devs farm and whose population could fit in……I don’t fucking know………the inside of a big fuck off bus or on one of Jerry Collins calf muscles.

It was hard enough watching the games in the pub during the Lions, can you imagine knocking on the door of the Tavistock at half four in the morning? We would be in Kiwis by lunchtime…are kebab shops or Indians open that time…..

Ah well this is what the yanks have to put up with every Six nations so like them we should just man up and get on with it. At least it will be dark when we go into the pubs…….

bloody summer

Above: Boo summer! Isn't cricket and Baseball just Rounders for people who like statistics

I don’t know but as much as I love sunny weather, girls with hardly anything on and cider in beer gardens I just miss winter sports in the summer. I am not much of a kiss ball follower but I do like to see who has beaten who and also to see which one of these over paid over grown rapists has scored.

There is something very reassuring about reading soccer and rugby results in the Sunday papers or looking on tele text during the week. Summer just means cricket and even if you actually follow a team you don’t really give a flying fuck about any of the others. When it comes to rugby it means sending a depleted Welsh team down to the southern hemisphere where we play a team that we can’t beat with a full team in front of a full house at home. We get fucking tumfed. We come back and say we have learnt a lot, just in time to be bummed by the same team in the autumn.

Above: Yay summer! Scientific fact fm the Lovechickens school of birds and stuff says that women are more likely to get off with you if you are blind drunk, slightly over weight and continuously show off your arse

I am sure I have already said this but coach after coach believes that us playing the top sides month after month and year after year will mean that we will get better and have a better chance of beating them – well I say how long until we do? We have only beaten the All blacks 3 times in our history and that was when we played them every few years – where is the proof? Also by the time we actually beat them – no one will actually give a fuck the way the sport in Wales is haemorrhaging supporters.

Above: Boo summer. It is big but probably not clever - Is she washing that 4 x 4 or making it softer so she can eat it

This summer we have the warm ups and another chance to see the best Welsh teams get absolutely tuned by a second string English team. The bad news is this year they will be able to do it twice. I don’t know what happens to us with World cup warm ups and England – they just seem hungrier than us to win.

Ah well at least with all these warm ups like Wales England, Canada Russia, USA Tonga and the annual yawn fest that is the tri-nations where Australia, New Zealand and South Africa play each other twice a day for 7 weeks, home and away and also in Hong Kong, Dubai, Mongolia and Sunderland, we will have something to look at on teletext. Not long til I start my World cup guide and remember you can always contribute to the blog unless you’re shit at writing or disagree with things I say…only joking (my writing is crayonesque and I don’t always agree with myself)….get in touch if you do. So until next time – fuck off x