Big week ahead

As the Western world teeters on the brink of all-out war the eyes of Wales turn toward the 6 nations and the big showdown with the old enemy. The Scottish call them the auld enemy which shows that maybe education in devolved Wales might not be as bad as first thought.

Like every year we at the Coop have been contacted by literally three people (2 emails and a crayoned letter from Fishguard) asking

‘Where the fuck is your blog?

’ actually the one from Fishguard said ‘were is ur blok’ with a backwards ‘K’ which returns to me to the question of Welsh educashun.

Well I thought I would give you a small fix of unfocussed unknowledgeable spu before the last two rounds. I won’t bother afterwards, I hardly ever do. I get together with the other Lovechickens on Super Saturday and end up so bat faced that I can barely get out of my Transformers jimmy jams never mind type something almost Beano-esque in its splendour and in-depth knowledge.

So what’s happened so far?

The Welsh

When I give my dog a teddy bear, it tears over to it, shakes it in his jaws, meticulously bites a hole in it and then bums the fuck out of it. Afterwards ‘teddy’ or as we called it last time ‘Neil’ just lay there in post coital horror with dachshund puppy making gravy seeping out of the ‘jimmy sized’ hole in its neck. Poor Neil. In my mind he looked and properly felt like the Welsh team did after 80 minutes in Dublin this year. Out played out muscled and out everythinged. It was fucking awful. We didn’t even look dimensional never mind one dimensional and I think we were all concerned that we could perform that way. Great teams have off days but do they get fucked over the way Wales did.

Yeah but what about France?

What about them? They played amazingly for about 20 minutes against England and they played well for half that against Italy who really should have beaten Wales, France and Scotland so far!

These are 15 random people

Grotbags from Emu

Dogtanian (sens muskehounds)

Jean Claude Van Damme

Somebody from Police drama ‘The Bill’

Derwyn Jones

Derek the Weatherman

Gargamel from the Smurfs (Craca hyll to all you Welsh speakers out there)

The artist formerly known as Prince

Dennis the waiter from Charleston’s steakhouse in Cardiff

Roy Walker from Catchphrase

Benny from 70s midlands super soap Crossroads

The bloke who set up cillit bang who shouts in his adverts

Sheriff Buford T Justice

Larry Blackman the red cod piece wearing lead singer with 80s band, Cameo

Arfon Haines Davies

Yes names that trip of the tongue of anybody with a love of contemporary culture, sport and politics but rugby players? Fuck no, not by any stretch of the imagination, but if I would have put that team on the pitch against the French team that faced Wales on that Friday night, other than losing a lot of lineout ball they would’ve have run the beret wearing shrugmonkeys very very close. People in Wales went from driving around the streets of the valleys in the back of landrovers looking for anybody with a Warren Gatlandesque haircut to duff up to a situation where they started naming their children after the Welsh coach even though some of them were in their teens and had their own names. No we haven’t become a shit team overnight but by beating a crap French team we haven’t become the All Blacks after a Mars Bar and a hell of a lot of tropical fruit flavoured Lucozade.

Above: Chris Ashton walks away upset as Colers, Robshawers, Twelvetreers, Hartleyers make sport at the oik, Vunipola-ers is out of shot

Wales have England next and what of the public school Boris XV. Christian Bale lookalike and annoyingly decent chap, Stuart Lancaster is a shrewd coach and they have played pretty well in parts and much better than Wales overall. They should’ve beaten the French and my glorious XV above would’ve also taken apart the Scotland that turned up on the maggot ridden Murrayfield pitch. But against Ireland I thought they were great and tactically astute. They are gaining in confidence which is epitomised by gobshite Danny Care. The back three look exciting even though the winger Nowell looks like he should work spinning waltzers at a fair. England collapsed quicker than a Tongan paper toilet against Wales last year but they shouldn’t even be thinking about that. Momentum is with them and that is coupled with confidence. They have their swagger back, I bet their common room at Hogwarts is all a flutter with the upcoming game and their fags are having an easy time while polishing their heroes’ boots.

Below: No, not the Irish training camp but Nowell's family preparing for training

But Wales HAS got last year and the teams look very much the same. Players such as Adam and Gethin, Jamie and Leigh are world class; if they bring their A game could this be another hiding for the Piers Morgans of the British Isles. Who knows, but one thing I do know is that it will be a hell of a game!

The Rebels Scrum has been destroyed......

and the score 35 to zip. Falatau was very effective and it really does seem like Ben Youngs is enjoying his rugby with the Lions.....That's it...that's all your getting....i'm just glad I got a Star Wars reference in................

learning i am.......

I have read a lot of blogs, thought pieces and newspaper items about what we learnt about the Lions after the first test.

This is what I learnt:

1. That the referee was a complete dicksplash who wanted to listen to the sound of his own whistle or voice rather than concern himself with the triviality of say…a spectacle which millions of people cared about and a point in history in the sport of Rugby Union.
2. Eating 4 packs of jaffa cakes because they are easier to eat there and then rather than getting up from the sofa and making toast will make you violently sick.
3. Just because you are a raging alky does not mean you can’t come off the bench and play like a legend.
4. That in the end being an alky will affect your ability especially kicking.
5. That if you have a front row that is out performing the oppositions front row don’t take them all off with lots of time remaining and replace them with ones who under perform.
6. Don’t fuck around with Jonathan Davies’ knee.
7. Don't engage in banter with Scottish tramps
8. The Lions were lucky as fuck to win that test match and that we beat a team who played a forward in the centre, who weren’t meant to be able to scrummage and who even brought on someone who’s been in rehab in the second half.
9. I grunt when I bend over to tie my shoelaces.

Above: hat tip for Dai lailama but I would have put 'pull my finger'

That’s it from me – so gutted that Paul O Connell is out – he got through some work on Saturday. There was a lot of homework done on angry Mike Phillips and I think we need some ball winners on the floor – Croft is a great player but he is only that way when we have the ball – we have to win it first and Warburton cant do it all especially now POC is not there. Melbourne tomorrow– lets not try and fuck this up eh??

flipping poll

The weird thing on the top of the page is a poll on who is going to win the test this weekend - vote away compadres.......

Aussies Come Second - Lions Second to Last, an alternative analysis by Andy Slagg

Now the dust has settled, we can dissect the game and see what it's all about. They complain about 'whinging Poms', but there are none that like losing least than the cons, err, sorry, the Aussies. They scored a mighty 21 points to a Lions measly 23, with their winger scoring the same number of tries as the whole of the lions team together. Their points tally was further thwarted by the posts bring in the wrong place, or another 14 points could have been scored. An official complaint has been filed to the local council.
Below: Kurtley Beale is auctioning off one of his magic daps from the first test

Even a lending hand from a benevolent ref couldn't help further, his last minute penalty was awarded as a Lions lock accidentally farted without prior permission. I have heard from Lovechicken HQ that they believe this unnamed player was lucky not to be red-carded in such circumstances. Ref Pollack was nearly awarded the freedom of Sydney too, and I'm not talking about some dodgy Australian bloke either.

 

From all accounts, their fans are taking this badly. They've stopped tying kangaroos down until further notice and top supermarket KMart has dropped the price of Anusol with all that buttock clenching. Our advice to Australians is to buy it in bulk as there's two more tests to go.

1st test - nuff said.....

Ok the fluff is out the way. The wheat has been cut from the chaff, the……the…….thing…..you know..the thing has been separated from the….um……..stuff and something something something. What I am trying to say is that this Saturday is the beginning of the real thing or as people from some parts of the Amman valley say – the full shumonkee.

Above: FIGHT!

Play has been great so far not withstanding the last game which was shit. However they only lost by 2 with some of a team that had had about 24 hours together to gel – even less time then a Barbarian side or of someone who has turned up with his boots and asked to make up a 14^th man for the away team. Kudos must go to Rory Best who was almost Welshman-like in his lineout throwing. Some people thought it was a joke to call up retired diminutive wizard Shane Williams, I didn’t, I loved it and it got people talking about the Lions. We had a lot of comments before the tour that Barrett and Twelvetrees were unlucky not to be going from the start and we can’t judge them on that performance and I think that the dirt trackers will need them, hell knowing Twelvetrees he’ll possibly looking for a test spot by the third. There were players pushing for test spots like Falatau and some from the bench that really should have calmed things down and showed some leadership but in the end its time to shrug shoulders and prepare for the main test.

 

Test side was picked in the early hours of this morning and I think that the only shocks were in the front row where Youngs replaced Hibbard and Vunipola was ousted by Corbisiero. People have been touting the Heaslip, Croft and Warburton partnership for a while now but if they had have chosen a back row consisting of O Brien, Falatau, Lydiate or Tipiric would we have been too gutted? The worry here is that Heaslip and Croft are great players but they aren’t the best at contesting the breakdown and we can’t just rely on Warburton for this – scared? Yeah I am a bit.

Above: Poor Cuthbert was so out of position during this move in training that they found him on the team bus

 

Cuthbert is the biggest concern even though he is one of the most dangerous attacking players on the planet. I can imagine that there will be people in the stadium selling beer and burgers with a finer defending ability. If he is targeted and targeted well, we should be in for a lot of trouble but thank Thor’s love eggs that we have someone great on the bench to come on and……what? Maitland? Eh? I don’t know, while of course the guy is talented and he does play wing and fullback but a Lions cap…….?

Other than Harold Bishop doing something with Charlene and Mrs Mangells dog the story coming out of the Aussie camp is new players especially Israel Foloa who seems to have found his way into the Wallabies side via Aussie Rules and that other rugby game which is played within an 8 mile radius in the north and of course down in Australia. The Aussies will be up for this, exciting fast pack with class backs – they even have the uber talented but uglier rugby player than Wayne Proctor and Mike Tindall, Kurtley Beale on the bench.

Above: Kurtley Beale turns up for training today

I remember the first Lions game I ever saw was the first test against the Australians in 1989 in a house in Goodwick, it was a strange sensation cheering on people like Moore, Richards, Underwood and Andrew, people I had wanted unfortunate minor accidents to happen to in previous seasons, playing alongside players I loved like Robert Jones and Ieuan Evans (I don’t want to talk about Mike Hall….). The result was a bumming of almost Elton John proportions but the Lions team came back, fought tooth and nail and made history. It is up to this Lions team to decide where they will be entered in the annals of rugby history but we know they have the talent to be the first team to win a Lions series in Australia for twenty four years and the first one to win a series against any team since 1997.

Love Chickens Weekend - Brisbane Style

Little did I know that travelling 12000 miles to the other side of the planet and waiting 15 months would result in a Love Chickens weekend with almost the exact characteristics of one in Cardiff.

And by that I mean it began with getting to the pub on Friday afternoon after work, waiting anxiously for fellow LCs to arrive whilst drinking a few nervous beers, eventually exchanging shouted phone conversations that establish, despite having specified "the Pig & Whistle at Riverside, it's 400m down the road from your hotel", Doug has been sitting in the Pig & Whistle in the Mall since noon; giant sweaty, beardy man-hugs on seeing Doug for the first time in years, then drinking far too much until one of you has to call it quits.

The next day saw a lunchtime start followed by Doug and I continuing the motion with jugs of XXXX Gold at the Caxton Hotel in a rapidly swelling throng of Lions fans on tour, an outstanding game of rugby, followed by a fucking miserable hour in the pissing rain trying to get a taxi.

So the weekend was book-ended by true Love Chickens in Cardiff style antics.  Luckily, the only elements missing from the Brisbane version that would've been in the Cardiff version in were all the bits in between.  Doug and I did the brewery tour, witty conversation and sensibly paced drinking; in Cardiff it would've been pressurised power-drinking, public urination and defecation, English focussed racism, god-awful sawdust-floored hovels of pubs that stink of piss, screeching fat slappers, fights, and filthy rat-infested streets of kebab shops.

I'm looking forward to hosting more LCs who fly the coop to experience how we do things down here, any time they want to drop by for a visit.

hard hitting FACTS revealed

Above: Not the start of the affair. Howley: 'don't make eye contact or they will know about us now just brush your hand against my jimmy........'

 

We at Lovechickens HQ can publish in this very blog probably one of the most hard-hitting exposes in the history of rugby. It seems that flat topped super coach Warren Gatland would rather choose ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown or annoying childrens presenter fm the 80s/90s Gaz Top to play for the Lions then the multi talented James Hook. Our non stop research, interviews and undercover filming, without doubt show, that James Hook did not have an affair with backs coach and on camera misery Rob Howley or with Warren Gatland’s wife, nan or auntie. We can further reveal that James Hook:

• Took no part in the printing of the dodgy dossier leading to the outbreak of the Iraq war.

• Did not bring the entire economy of the western world to the brink of collapse in 2008 leading to a worldwide depression not seen since the 1930s.

• Has not used poisonous gas against Syrian rebels.

• Did not hand the ball into the back of the net giving his country, Argentina, a 2-1 victory over England in a Kissball world cup.

• Has not killed loads of prostitutes in the most dreadful and gory way in the east end of London at the turn of the 19^th century.

• Was not born in Austria becoming a shit artist, be a corporal in the war, get interested in politics, write mein kampf in prison, grow a silly moustache, pushed the boundaries of legality in extending his borders, test all his gear in Spain, renege on lots of treaties, frolicked with blonde frauleins at his summer house, invade Poland, killed loads of people, have one ball, be at war with generally everybody except the Italians and the Japanese and Russia, until he invaded Russia and then retreated from Russia, shot his missus, shot himself.

Below: Look at this aggressive fucker - this was just before he was not going to punch a little girl or a kitten or Felicity Kendall

Therefore the question must be asked...

 

WHAT THE FUCK HAS JAMES HOOK DONE?

Japan a better side than Wales? HAI!!! (hai means yes)

Above: 'Chlis Ashton's penis? it about this big.....

 

Waking up next to someone you don’t remember going to bed with and when she turns around you realise your beer goggles the night before were notched up to level 10. That is a reason to get out of bed quickly at 6 o clock in the morning. It was at this horrid time in the morning I was up last Saturday but for much better reasons – bacon sandwiches, a nice cup of tea and the chance to witness the new talented crop of Welsh players defeat a brave and dogged Japan.

 

Well, the bacon and tea went well and indeed, Japan were brave and dogged but they were also resourceful committed and talented. Japan taught those Welsh players how to rise to the occasion and also how to play rugby defeating us by lots to sod all. It wasn’t even close. Wales seemed out of sorts and I think the management will rue their decision to leave players like Matthew Rees and Ryan Jones at home. However, there were enough players there to calm things the fuck down but they didn’t.

Above: Why hasn't this girl bigger? Why hasn't she got a big flag on her face? Where the fuck is her sparkling cowboy hat? Why isn't she hammered and crying or trying to pick a fight? - thank god for the rugby girls of Wales.

 

In days gone past Wales spread the gospel of rugby union to the world, aficionados, players and coaches were the missionaries of the oval ball and the world did thank us. Now they thank us again and have done so for the last twenty years by being the only top level team to be consistently spanked by ‘developing countries’. Romania in 1988 (I am not bitter), Canada and Japan are all there in defeating Wales in fully capped games and the former two actually did so in the Arms Park. What about Fiji and Samoa I hear you ask? Oh well, we don’t just get beaten by them, we actually wait until there is a global audience in one of the biggest sporting events in the world to watch them bum the shit out of us. Western Samoa beat us in 1991 and 8 years later they ganged up with the rest of Samoa to beat us again and this time during a World Cup that we were hosting! 2007 saw Fiji send us home which led to me, Peter Devonald and 400 Welsh people milling around Marseilles for the quarter finals with no Welsh team to support.

Here at the Coop there is trepidation of Japan holding the 2019 World cup. The Rooster has been there for a rugby game before and the whole event was staged fantastically. Hopefully this win against Wales will raise the profile of the sport and even more so that they get a few more high level scalps before and during the competition.

Above: Instead of Western rugby cultures usual two fingers of beer, Japan's scrum half Yoshi Yakamoto is taken outside to be beheaded for drinking with his right hand....

As for Wales? I disagree fundamentally with some tosspot on twitter who wanted Wales to hand back their caps. Honour plays a huge part in the Japanese psyche, the Welsh players deserved their caps and they know, as do we what an honour it is to play at any level for their country. There is no point in falling on their swords but some good old fashioned Japanese humility is in need and an opportunity to learn from this experience. 

Lesbians on the beach....i mean Rugby for beginners.......

Us at the Coop were a little disconcerted yesterday when we checked the search terms that guided people to this wonderful site - these are the top 5 and I am not making this up

Lesbians on the beach
Swansea sluts
Swansea girls and pulling
fat bloke
love chickens ( I know - someone out there typed in love chickens and actually meant just that)

With this in mind we have asked a new contributor Mr Andy Slagg to inform any newcomers to the page and rugby about the sport we love.....

Rugby for the Beginner

 

Rugby is a simple game, 15 players do battle against 16.  Although your team should be different shapes and sizes, they can be classed as follows... Your team is made up of 8 piano shifters and 7 piano players.  Piano shifters are the big strong lads whose knuckles drag lower to the ground than most. Piano players are what tend to look like girls with testicles... Unless any are called George, Jamie or Manu...

 

No matter which side you play on, the ref seems to be supporting the other team... You start by kicking the ball away to the opposition, and spend the next 40 minutes trying to get it back. Players go forward by passing the ball backwards until someone knocks the ball forward.

 

Once this happens, 8 of your forwards (piano shifters) get together in a scrum and try to push the other forwards off the ball. This is not a 'cwtch' 'cuddle' or Huddle. If you suffer from paranoid tendencies, don't worry they are not talking about you.  Their number 9 puts the ball in at an angle to stop your players getting at it. Once the scrum pushes, heaves and collapses several times, the ref calls a penalty try and gives one of your players a rest for 10 minutes.

 

The numbers 9 and 10 are called 'halves'. They are whole people and don't count as one between them. Their job is to get the ball to the 'three quarters', of which there are only another two.  Wings are players that try to attack in-field, leaving hookers (not to be confused with women met on stag do's) out on the wing to attack. Your full back is the guy in the opposition half who is trying to get back the ball he kicked 20 seconds ago.

 

The whole point is to score a 'try'. this is when you touch the ball on the ground behind the posts, after which your kicker gets to kick the ball over the bar.  If the ref is the remotely bit unsure, he asks another official to watch it on TV instead.

 

My final part is for Welsh people and the need to decide who you want to support. The Rooster tells me that if you live in any other country please feel free to send in info on teams there. If you live in Cardiff, you will support the Blues. If you live in the valleys, you will support anyone BUT the Blues. If you live by Newport or have an ugly wife you will support the Dragons. If you come from Swansea or from the Swansea Valley, then Ospreys is your team. If your a Gog, Turk, Cardie, or don't know much about rugby, then Scarlets is your team.

 

Rugby must be accompanied with a can of beer and fast food. Failure to follow this essential step will severely effect your rugby experience.

 

Now that you're almost an expert, give it a go!