World cup warm ups and all that

I have been away for a while and for that I am truly sorry – liots going on but none of it with rugby but with the kick off of the tri nations rugbyathon last week and some sort of action on selection here in Wales maybe we have some news to look at.

Southern Hemisphere
Last week the Ozzies redeemed themselves a little after being hauled over by Samoa by handing out a hiding to Lethal Weapon two baddies South Africa albeit the ones who:

1: wanted to play
2: selected to play by lievrementalesque coach de Villiers
3: Actually had a passport

The score says 39-20 but the reality is that South Africa were never really in it.

The All Blacks tumfed Fiji 60-14 with most commentators talking about how rusty the Kiwis were. It says a lot for a team that can win by that much while being rusty – Wales will come in their pants to beat them by 5 when being red hot come the World cup. While the score must have been disappointing, it also must have helped the former cannibals (not racist – fact) that they managed to keep all their players on the field since the last time they ran out they finished the game with 13 players, most of their team having lost it and started bending anybody within 5 metres of them.

This morning or evening or afternoon depending on where you are reading this, The All Blacks added more misery on the fun loving and laughter filled springbok supporters. 40-7 the score and Dan Carter the person who could turn water into wine and then walk on it has retaken the international points tally from Jonny Wilkinson. The list is as follows:
Dan Carter
Jonny Wilkinson
Neil Jenkins

Three great players but in a game of snog, shag, push off a cliff, it seems that Neil Jenkins’ face would be even more out of a place after a terrible fall……………..

Above: I am sorry Neil-make your way to the cliffs and i will be with you once i have shagged young Carter here

Hope

Above: Mike Tindall (left) and an exhausted English rugby team gather their thoughts after a particularly tough training session with talkative ball sack Martin Johnson

A lesson to us all from Mike Tindall that no matter how ugly you are – being a rugby boy will get you laid and being a famous one will get you married to royalty.

A great player, a great servant to the game, a double hard bastard and one ugly son of a bitch

flipping hell - what next namibia beat the Boks?

Shit sticks……..basking in the recent news that World cup group opponents were playing dismally in the recent games against Japan and Fiji, Welsh fans should be now re-shitting themselves after hearing the news that Samoa have beaten the number 2 team in the world Australia by 32 points to 23. Yes it was a mostly second string but the result is there and it was in the ozzie’s back yard – we would have taken it!

no - i would love to spend another £80 on a new rugby shirt - honestly!

England have decided to play their opening match of the World cup in black. What a complete loads of tossers – not the English rugby team but the powers that be who are determined to strangle even more money out of the rugby supporting community. What the fuck has black got to do with England? Why go to the all black hosted world cup and wear the same top as the hosts – its not going to make you play like them you idiots. Watching the English rugby team come on the pitch resplendent in white must be such an amazing feeling for any English rugby supporter, any English kid who isn’t a giant twat looks forward to the day when they can put on the white shirt of their country.

Above - Black...no not Colin Charvis but his bloody shirt

The WRU are of course worse and would actually put the Welsh team in English rugby replica tops if it meant getting more money out us. While I decry the English move to black for one game the Welsh team have ran out in virtually all the Dulex paint colour range in the past few years. These include Black, greyish black, some colour that looked like you had a shite washing machine that couldn’t do whites properly so came out gray, Yellow…..FUCKING YELLOW? They claim it was gold but it was fucking yellow. Wales’ colours are red unless at home when we are playing someone like the Canadians and therefore because rugby is a sport of gentlemen and manners the HOME team changes and therefore Wales runs out in green – that’s it - as black people say in the USA – end of.

Below: The 1990's - proof that those robbing fucks at the WRU will try anything to sell kitsas Nigel walker, Mikey Rayer and Ieuan Evans try on the new options.

What are the odds eh?

We are a few months out from the World cup. We still have to go through the summer warm ups where we have the idiotic situation where teams who may meet in the latter stages of the world cup actually play each other or we have the 58 gamed twice daily yawn fest that is the tri nations. I am not going into my much anticipated xenophobic World cup guide for a while yet so for something different I thought I would look at the odds for the forthcoming piss up….i mean rugby tournament. Although we have our own bookie on the other side of the pond - i was forced to look online because ours couldnt be arsed to go to a lot of time and effort for Morgan to put 50p on Shane Williams to score against Yemen at odds of 1-25.
Above: Everytime Ski mentioned Formula 1 in a day the College of the Bahamas gained $1 - they were very pleased with the result
Well of course the favourites to win are the same ones that were favourites in 1987, 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003 and 2007 and who are going to be favourites in 2015, 2019 and 2024 before the yellow peril that is the Chinese having vanquished all that comes before them turn their interest to something they have never done before such as rugby, civil rights and climate change. Yes the odds on favourites that is New Zealand whose odds are so brilliant that if you bet your house on them and they won you would probably get your house back with a tenner. However as you all remember from all those dates after 1987 – the All Blacks choked and therefore could do it again. Above: Mary and Samantha were in pieces after finding out how much they had raised after Ski's sponsored silence
So who else do we need to look at to win some spondulies, whose as soft as a flaccid penis after a solid 10 minutes sock abuse and whose as hard as that very sock a mere 24 hours later.

Well it seems the bookies go along with the rest of the worlds idea that the big southern hemisphere three will do well but odds are better for Australia with around 4-1. South Africa, the country made famous for being the baddies in Lethal weapon 2 and those stupid fucking horns that the kissball world loved in their world cup aren’t far behind them at around 6 or 7 to 1.

Argentina who surprised everybody last time out are surprisingly way down the pecking order (pecking – chickens – geddit – forget it) with odds ranging from 80-1 to 150-1 worse than all the six nations except Scotland and Italy.

Even though the English struggled/were tumfed by the Irish they are way favourites out of the northern hemisphere teams probably relating to some strength in depth and therefore competition for places. The bookies probably want to stay away from the French team who are not used to playing with each other as Lievremental has chosen the population of Marseilles to play for France over the past 4 years. Wheezing from the diets of gallois fags but boosted by the extreme fitness regimens of shrugging and burning things at ports the bookies don’t know which team will turn up but neither do the team or the French management. The English are around 10-1 which is worth a flutter and the French are at around 16-1 also worth forgoing a jar of pickled mussels and a pint of Babycham.

I have already mentioned incredible Hulk in waiting Andy Robinsons Scotland propping up the Celtic countries with odds of 150-200-1. Wales follows with a mere 40-60-1 I think they are the same odds as Andy Powell learning to sign his name with his favourite crayon. 40-1 is great considering half the team will be doing time for some almighty bank heist by then. Vanquishers of England with some style, Ireland are between 22 and 33-1 the bookies probably remembering that when it comes to world cups they are piss poor.
Below that it is pretty much the same sort of thing with Italy Samoa and Fiji being around 500-1000. Big news for all our American Lovechickens is that their odds are between 1000 and 2500 (these figures are odds not the amount of Mexicans who come through El Paso every hour). Countries like Russia, Georgia, Namibia and weirdly even Japan are down the 5000-1 mark. I don’t think I am being a twat when I say that 5000-1 for Russia to win the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand on their first time of asking, when a lot of their players are involved in the French second division or playing part time in Russia holding down their other jobs as drunks and hired thugs for English kissball team owning gazillionaires, is pretty shit – lets up their odds and see if Big Gav Henson cant find a Russian Nan somewhere, not that he knows where Russia is.

The mighty battle of Carmarthen

Its Monday so we need cheering up so I will tell you a rugby related story that could give you as much pleasure as it has me over the years.

I have a friend..lets call him…..Horgan Mart…ingenious because that’s not his real name, I just made that up.
Anyway this happened back in the annals of time. It was 1990 the start of Desert Storm, the non retarded Bush was in the White house, pointy faced destroyer of all, Maggie Thatcher was actually out out out replaced by John Major who won the pull a pig competition by having Edwina Currie and the music scene was starting to look a little promising.

A Canadian school had come over to play Fishguard secondary school at rugby. Its not called Secondary school anymore obviously because the Americans have much better names for schools and it is called Fishguard high school. What a complete load of shit – next they’ll want us to call crisps – chips and chips fries unless they beg to become part of the commonwealth again and we can sort out this stupid tipping business of theirs (oh your boss isn’t paying you enough? Please let me pay you extra for doing your job so your boss can get cheap labour). Anyway as Fishguard people were hosting the teams they all decided to get a bus and go on the piss to Carmarthen which is 40 miles away.

For anybody from outside the ancient kingdom of Dyfed, these names won’t mean much to you. Little explanation – Fishguard is a sleepy seaside town with a ferry that goes to Ireland. It’s now rough as fuck but still a good place on the beer – there are no jobs but middle class arty types from England still want to open art studios there. Carmarthen is hole populated with people who have mullets, shit teeth, stone washed skin tight jeans and shiny white trainers, prostitution was wiped out there during the 90s when the professional women had to move on to newer areas as the local screeching harridans had been giving it away for free.

Carmarthen people unused to outsiders and the sight of a bus (they called it the iron horse and to this day tell their kids about the time it came into town) were very angry that the Fishguard people and Canadians had come into town, drank their drinks and kissed their women. A mighty fight ensued involving all parties and by the end there were even cases of Canadians fighting Fishguard people.

It was a battle to awaken the Gods from their slumber but bit by bit fights turned to scuffles and scuffles turned to squaring up and bit by bit Fishguard people and Canadians got back on the bus. Horgan Mart breaks away from is battle royale and returns to the iron horse

Fishguard boy on bus: Horgan! How did you get on? I saw you getting stuck in.
Horgan Mart: Yes I hammered him – long haired twat was screaming by the end of it
Horgan sits down and the next one gets on the bus.
Fishguard boy on bus: How did you get on?
New boy on bus: fine but did you see Horgan beat up that girl……………….

i dont think i have anything to add to this

http://youtu.be/RvUIbqKyppY

its very quiet out there...............

Arrrgggh!!! There is nothing happening in northern hemisphere rugby.Not one of the Welsh team has gone out and showed his cock to a bunch of school girls or flown his plane, pissed and naked into the Houses of Parliament. Everytime I refresh the BBC rugby page it comes back with fuck all except that Dai Young is the new head man at Wasps so I may as well comment on that. I did hear on the radio that he reckons he is going to a better team – what an twattish thing to say! So what he is saying is that the team he is going to who has been coached by someone else is actually better than the team he has been coaching for the last 55 years. Dai Young was considered a good player who went straight into coaching at a top level. You can cut him some slack for that but no matter what he did at the Blues they did not get rid of him. I dont really have a problem with that.

Why? Well I don’t want to go down the football road when the manager of Huddersfield or Locomotive Llanberis gets sacked 4 games into the season because the fans and their Russian/Malaysian Killionaire backers cant believe that they haven’t beaten all 4 teams by 23 goals and are not in the champions European super extreme league with all the other gazillionaire chav rapists.

I know you should give a coach a bit of time but with a team that has some fantastic players with a pretty good squad you would have thought that the Blues as well as Ospreys would be near the semi finals of the European cup and Magners (whatever its called now) play offs every time. The fantastic winning of the Amlin Cup not so long ago against a great side like Toulon should be applauded and you have to feel sorry for them losing to Leicester on a drop goal off but still – they should have been better. Young has been touted as a future Welsh Coach – lets see how he does with an out of form Wasps in an uber competitive English premiership and then lets start talking him up.

self destruct of the Welsh rugby team in 5....4.....3

For fucks sake…..maybe this should be a blog dedicated to rugby star indiscretions and out and out fuck ups. This week in the lead up to 7th ever rugby World Cup, an event which brings the best sport in the world (other than Monkey knife fighting and giant pub jenga) back to the mother ship that is New Zealand, a World cup so important that Wales, for the first time, has managed to keep the same coach in preparation, a World cup so important to Wales because last time we failed to reach the quarterfinals, a world cup that maybe, just maybe we have a chance to reach the heights we have the ability to reach and Gavin Henson, the son of prophecy a man so good that even if he’d lost his hand in some sort of light sabre accident after an argument with his father would still have people clamouring for his appearance in the shirt of his country, has announced that he is fully focussed on the tournament ahead and that other than his kids who he left in a flash to head off to France, THIS tournament, The World cup no less is his priority………..er….no….The most muscled oompa loompa outside Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory is spending his time announcing that he is appearing as ‘the Bachelor’ the British version of the US hit.

FOR FUCKS SAKE, what is wrong with him? I stated that Rocky was a little retarded in the last blog – he seems like Professor Steven bloody Hawkins compared to Henson. It’s on bloody Channel 5!! What next, Gavin climbing up a tree, traversing over a washing line to steal some nuts from a bird feeder so he can try and get on ‘animals do the funniest things’! The human budgie is so fame hungry but doesn’t he realise he can get that from playing well in one of the biggest sporting events in the world?

Anyway I’d never heard of the bachelor until reading this in the news. It seems loads of birds compete by a series of group and one to one dates and the winner, picked by big Gav will be his missus. He plays rugby for Wales for fuck sake, that’s what happens in Cardiff on a Saturday night anyway. What a shit concept, you know your not going to spend the rest of your life with this vacuous bint so why not pick the smartest with the biggest tits, pick her, shag her and then she can move onto the X factor and if your Gav, you can move onto something equally moronic. He is saying that he is looking for the one but is that because that’s the highest number he can count up to? Above: After half an hour of her internet flirting date with Gavin, Jenny gives up when he phones up to ask how to turn the computer on
Angry man who needs a wank, Mike Phillips has also ended up in the shit after kicking off with bouncers outside McDonalds. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO EVERBODY??? What next? Warren Gatland and Adam Jones being caught after their ‘knock and run’ campaign brought chaos to a street in Kenfig Hill, Lee Byrne and Shane Williams being caught in Cardiff at lunchtime without a note or even mongadon Andy Powell being caught stealing a golf buggy and driving it the wrong way up………..oh wait………Phillips has been suspended now but I’d be more embarrassed that I’d been bended by two bouncers in a fast food place.
Above: In August George North is caught trying to break into Derek the Weathermans house to piss on his cats...
This isn’t happening to other teams, I bet the English are all tucked, snugly warms in the dorms at Hogwarts by 9 o clock after training for 12 hours, sent off to sleep with the reading of Jonny Wilkinson’s book read by Jonny Wilkinson with the Under 20’s English side preparing the grown ups boots for the next day. I take the piss but they seem to know how important this is, why cant Wales?

When two tribes go to war

Above: USA! USA! slightly retarded American hero shows his colours and acting talents

Forget England v Scotland, forget Australia v Ireland and forget South Africa v Wales this game is the one the world is waiting for – a grudge match from 1918. This is revenge for Apollo Creed, this is payback for the Bay of Pigs, This is Reagan v Gorbachev, capitalist v communist, this is Belushi v Schwarzenegger in red heat this is

USA v Russia
I know we are a long way away from American paranoia and reds under the bed and Russians queuing up for 5 years so they could get the wrapping of a Big Mac in exchange for their daughters Natasha and Nikita, but growing up in the 70s and 80s – this was the big one. It’s strange to think that it wasn’t until super actor Ronnie Reagan stared the commies down and called their bluff that everybody thought that the yanks were the underdogs in the cold war – everyone was shitting themselves as the Russians threw themselves into competing in the space race, the arms race and most sports of the world….er…race, little did we realise that they were all a bunch of malnourished, poor, huge piss heads and they were winning the space race by sending their cosmonauts up to space by giant elastic band.

Above: Pissed on shit vodka and tired from shagging his sister, cosmonaut Boris prepares for blast off

US paranoia obviously has moved on from those damned russkies and onto the threat of a free health care system which obviously is much scarier. They also don’t like the Muslims and so it seems neither do we which seems ironic because we love to arm them for lots of their money, train their troops so they can kill us better and invest lots of money draining their resources. In 400 years time when we have bled them dry – we will be back in charge so ha! Its also funny that even in the late 80s the US believed the Soviets to be so advanced that in the reality TV documentary ‘Rocky IV’ the fighter from the richest country, Rocky, was training in a shack and running through the snow in a sack while the bankrupt soviet fighter named Ivan (quelle surprise) was in a more high tech gym then there are available even now, 25 years later.

Enough of that though – this is it – American eagle v Russian Bear. Even though the Russians are going to be coached by Wales’ Kingsley Jones and he is indeed in a Graham Henry styley searching every rugby club in both hemispheres for anybody with a blonde flat top called Ivan (quelle surprise), its got to be a class win for the yanks. There game is improving, in the next 20 years things will change – they are starting to appreciate 7s (even though 7s is the draughts of chess) and with their resources, increased rugby scholarships and some of the best athletes in the world they will start making a difference. Above: 'Not all Americans are fat' states Brad Kentuckyderby IV after winning USA's slimmer of the year
It wont be long before they change all the rules, call it a different game which foreigners don’t understand and then call it the world series.

what the fu.....World cup times

Just checking the UK times for the World cup – these really are going to be all dayers of biblical proportion.

Welsh, English and Irish supporters latest games are at 0930 but there is only one of those. The poor sweaty socks (jocks) from the frozen north have their latest game on at bloody half eight although that’s when they normally go out drinking cheap whisky and eating lard.

Above: Come on Pete, open University is about to finish and kick offs in five minutes!
Thing is, before long it wont be long til the WRU think they can make more money holding games at half three in the morning and make all the Welsh games be played at that time on a Tuesday.

I cant believe I have to get up at 0430 in the morning to watch our 4 yearly humiliation at the hands of Samoa, a country no bigger than Pete Devs farm and whose population could fit in……I don’t fucking know………the inside of a big fuck off bus or on one of Jerry Collins calf muscles.

It was hard enough watching the games in the pub during the Lions, can you imagine knocking on the door of the Tavistock at half four in the morning? We would be in Kiwis by lunchtime…are kebab shops or Indians open that time…..

Ah well this is what the yanks have to put up with every Six nations so like them we should just man up and get on with it. At least it will be dark when we go into the pubs…….

bloody summer

Above: Boo summer! Isn't cricket and Baseball just Rounders for people who like statistics

I don’t know but as much as I love sunny weather, girls with hardly anything on and cider in beer gardens I just miss winter sports in the summer. I am not much of a kiss ball follower but I do like to see who has beaten who and also to see which one of these over paid over grown rapists has scored.

There is something very reassuring about reading soccer and rugby results in the Sunday papers or looking on tele text during the week. Summer just means cricket and even if you actually follow a team you don’t really give a flying fuck about any of the others. When it comes to rugby it means sending a depleted Welsh team down to the southern hemisphere where we play a team that we can’t beat with a full team in front of a full house at home. We get fucking tumfed. We come back and say we have learnt a lot, just in time to be bummed by the same team in the autumn.

Above: Yay summer! Scientific fact fm the Lovechickens school of birds and stuff says that women are more likely to get off with you if you are blind drunk, slightly over weight and continuously show off your arse

I am sure I have already said this but coach after coach believes that us playing the top sides month after month and year after year will mean that we will get better and have a better chance of beating them – well I say how long until we do? We have only beaten the All blacks 3 times in our history and that was when we played them every few years – where is the proof? Also by the time we actually beat them – no one will actually give a fuck the way the sport in Wales is haemorrhaging supporters.

Above: Boo summer. It is big but probably not clever - Is she washing that 4 x 4 or making it softer so she can eat it

This summer we have the warm ups and another chance to see the best Welsh teams get absolutely tuned by a second string English team. The bad news is this year they will be able to do it twice. I don’t know what happens to us with World cup warm ups and England – they just seem hungrier than us to win.

Ah well at least with all these warm ups like Wales England, Canada Russia, USA Tonga and the annual yawn fest that is the tri-nations where Australia, New Zealand and South Africa play each other twice a day for 7 weeks, home and away and also in Hong Kong, Dubai, Mongolia and Sunderland, we will have something to look at on teletext. Not long til I start my World cup guide and remember you can always contribute to the blog unless you’re shit at writing or disagree with things I say…only joking (my writing is crayonesque and I don’t always agree with myself)….get in touch if you do. So until next time – fuck off x

The Ospreys – an over polished turd?

Above: Having bought up every available player in Wales and some from the rest of the world that they'll actually allow to play, the Ospreys squad arrive for pre-season training

I don’t want this to be a Welsh centric blog because when it comes down to it there are more English and American Lovechickens than Welsh put I think something should be said about the under achievement of the Welsh regions and especially the Ospreys – a team so boring that I would rather listen to Gavin Hastings commentate on the weather.

Can you imagine having a team that includes Adam Jones, Tommy Bowe, Shane Williams, James Hook, Lee Byrne, Nikki Walker, Ryan Jones, Jerry Collins, Sonny Parker, Jonathan Thomas, Mefin Davies, Huw Bennett, Ian Gough, Marty Holah, Mike Phillips, Alun Wyn Jones! Then when you think about players who are and have the ability to be class but have not been heard of outside Wales like Justin Tipuric, Tom Prydie, kristian Phillips, Gareth Owen (class), Matthew Morgan, Andrew Bishop, Dai Flanagan. So after all that you have lots of money, a shiny new ground, coaches that players think are amazing like Scott Johnson and what do you do with it all – sweet fanny fuck all.

Yes they do lose a lot of players to international call up but are they telling me that their squad of people numbering quite possibly the population of a former soviet country (with a salary worth more than the GDP) might not make up for it!! The Ospreys act like some spoilt rich kid who buys up talent like sweets so other teams can’t have them and then leave them rotting on the bench or producing them to hone their talents on playing the Ulster seconds during the 6 nations or London Irish seconds during the Anglo-Welsh yawn..i mean cup.

Ospreys may say fuck you Rooster – what about the winning the Magners league last year and how about great wins in the European cup. All good points and correct ones but who talks about the Ospreys performances. People can name games where the other regions came good and produced good performances but even when they win Ospreys games are flat and shit. The marketing team in the Ospreys got off to a good start and then decided that their stars could take them the rest of the way – they were wrong and I would get rid of them. Scott Johnson is meant to be a straight talking no nonsense sort of guy so why doesn’t he start by having a straight talking no nonsense chat with himself. How can a team stick by Dan Biggar who is a good player and not pick the class act that is James Hook and then when things get really dicey at the end of the season pick Hook at 10!? Its too late now – he’s fucked off to Perpignan you fucking idiots and guess whose following him. And its not as if these players are sodding off to take big bucks and a warmer, wine filled culture in the south of France. Chris Mitchell of the ‘he’s not Gethin Jenkins or Adam Jones but he’ll do’ fame has actually chosen to join Exeter – what the fu……….!

In the past few seasons I have been hard pressed to understand the logic of some players who want to join the Ospreys. I know players are competitive and have, in some way, some built in belief that they are or want to be the best, but why would you want to join the Ospreys as 4th choice scrum half playing once every 3 games and once every season against the best – why not join a club like the Scarlets, dragons, Connaught, the Scottish and Italians sides and push yourself against the best as often as possible – George North would have never have a had more than one cap if he was an Osprey as he would have been playing for Aberavon against Bedwas a few weeks later!

Actually I can moan about the other regions another time – I could go on about the Ospreys – maybe a shining light is that they are losing a lot of players and they will stick to the talent they have and not keep looking elsewhere. Its time marketing and pr started earning their bucks and maybe its time Johnson and the rest of the Ospreys team concentrated on becoming the best, not talking about it and making excuses when they fuck up.

Yeah Ref! Fuck off back to Barbaria......

The tongue in cheek shout from a knowledgeable fan or the pig ignorant schreechings of some tubby, blonde west Walian scrubber festooned with glittery red cowboy hat, 1996 redstone sponsored Welsh top and enough makeup to render the front of my house?

Probably both, one ironic, one moronic. Yes but the fact of the matter is Wales is playing the Barbarians and to be honest our love affairs with these demi-gods from Barbaria are set in stone and go back even further than most of the Lovechickens except for Nunny who as a child used to his follow his favourite calpurnia team, antoninus’ XX legion who were posted just outside Londinium just after the invasion.

Anyhoo – lets start off with the positives. It’s a great tradition and it still means something to people. Years ago we never saw teams like the (old) Ospreys, Toulon, Bath, teams jam packed with international stars so the Barbarians were a one off. Fuck me the only foreigner in the great Neath team of the late 80’s was Colin Laity and he was from bloody Cornwall while players of the great Leicester team of the same time were probably from the town itself except for Rory Underwood who was obviously not from there……….because he talked posh.

The Barbarians is a team where players could set out their talents and not like club or international rugby today when everyone is probably coached on everything including when to side step, shopping seminars, wanking: socks or tissues? Back then it was all about the talent and I think that its true today. It’s probably the only test in top level rugby of someone’s true talents. The Barbarians give players the freedom to express themselves without the worry of defeat, relegation or having to make friends with Gavin Henson for however long he stays at the club. The players who have played and excelled for the Baa baas are a veritable whos-who of everybody who has made the grade in rugby.

Ignore Derwyn Jones for a moment but look at some of them; Gareth Edwards, Martin Johnson, Andy Irvine, Mike Gibson but then these have starred for the Lions but what about when you add Michael Lynagh, John Eales, Bryan Habana, Joost Van der Westhuizen, Richie Maccaw, Jerome Gallion, Didier Camberabero, Blanco.
Above: No, not drug addict Bubbles from hit US TV series 'The Wire' but winner of our best full back award Serge Blanco - proof that Guinness, cake and 60 packets of gallois will catch up with you in the end
Class, pure class. The Barbarians face the top hat and monocle wearing English tomorrow and with the new found running ethos of the English game it should be a good one. I’d say the same about them playing the Welsh a week later. A good game beckons but there is something negative and no, I am not going to start on about queues, sand, geese, people who litter and Sunday rugby (there are more and you know it), and that is why the fuck are Wales awarding caps against a scratch team. If I as super overlord/king/high governor/Master of the Lovechickens invited the exact team that are picked to play Wales next week and called them the Lovechickens and then managed to get a fixture against Wales – would Lovechickens XV v Wales be a capped game – would it fuck. This is just a penny pinching ploy by the WRU who are already hell bent on bumming the fuck out of real rugby fans. They’ll probably get about 35000 people – great another event that looks like its being played in a morgue (that is if the morgue is playing the continuing moan of horns over the loudspeaker system). New England training coach Tarquin St James Bumberry-Smyth gives first talk: 'Hello chaps, 3 times around the pitch and then we'll come back have some oranges and then bully the fags with our willies eh what what!"
Rant over – I’m just going to enjoy the games and wonder at the skills. These games are the start of the World cup and this blog is going to give you an indepth look at the teams and the countries, their stars and their cocks (Ashton), their form and their warm up games, as I am typing I am getting a semi, you lot must be gushing your pants. I can hardly wait – As ginger west Walians and Italians alike say – AVANTI

G'day you fucking dags - its cheeez or to me and you Chez

Above: voted best dressed Australian 2009-2011, dwayne here loves nothing more than rooting shielas and making plans to work behind a bar in London like every other fucking Aussie
Last week I had the pleasure of watching the other 6ft Jap, Gareth Delve, lead out the Melbourne Rebels at AAMI Park vs the Highlanders. I would now like to outline how fucking good Super Rugby is. They make our lot look like a bunch of spastics. Skills are superior, I even saw a prop throw a miss-pass. I have to say that I would back myself vs Danny Cipriani in a kicking duel, unless the kick was to win the game against Aberystwyth or Glamorgan uni. EPIC FAIL x2. But even Cipriani shines at this level, his total lack of defensive nouse doesn't matter because it's all about the product. Attack, score tries, run from your in-goal, cross-kick. Fuck something up? "Aw, no worries mate, she'll be right next time"...when someone knocks-on in Wales it's the end of the world and they need to be dropped immediately, their grandfather needs to be gang raped and thier mother is the source of syphillus. Above: Aussie rules or soft eighties porn?
The S15 culture is positive. Delve is flourishing, and now I read that the Waratahs are courting Mike Phillips or Dwayne Peel to replace Sam Burgess who is off to fill his coffers at Toulouse. GET OVER HERE BOYS...ALL OF YOU! S15 rugby is played the way Wales would flourish! If I could afford it, I would subsidise the import of Welsh players and give Gatland a backhander to change selection policy. Contrary to popular belief, no-one gives a flying fuck about Rugby Union in Australia. In Queensland its all about Rugby League, NSW is a bit of a mish-mash of a lot of League, and a little bit of Union and Aussie Rules. In the great state of Victoria, AFL/Aussie Rules is a religion. Perth is AFL too and only 59 people live in Canberra (and they're all politicians).

Above: The view that Australians had for hundreds of years no wonder theyre all out drinking beer or being rude to women

It's not a goldfish bowl like in Wales. Lee Byrne could go to the Sydney Mardi Gras and wear a pink flamingo suit and suck a few cocks, Henson could build a little hut on Bondi Beach and catch skin cancer and then get pissed on half a shandy, abuse some Sheilas and then get hoyed the fuck out of by their blokes. Andy Powell could get hammered on Tooheys and go and play human frogger in the middle of the motorway. No one would give a shit; Rugby League and AFL boys grab the headlines. Then they could concentrate on ENJOYING a brand of rugby that would bring out the best in them. Gatland should give them all a sabbatical for a season and then go back to Old South Wales and take the culture and the experience with them. I really believe we would be competitive against NZ, AUS and SA if this were the case.

This will never happen though and it is a sad thing...and it's because the European struture is fucking idiotic. Why? We follow a fucking idiotic schedule based around a flawed model...soccer. The first thing I would do would be to move the 6N to May. Then get rid of shit things like the LV Cup. Split the season; finish your domestic comps for Xmas and start your Heineken Cup mid Jan. At the moment half the team piss off to the Top 14 at the end of the season and get replaced by third-rate Kiwis so teams play in Europe on the basis of last season. If your season culminated with the 6N then the best players should be in there, not ones who are lacking match practise as they have been wrapped in cotton wool since October. Plus the weather would be awesome and you wouldn't have to spend 30 pound of your Edinburgh tour money on fucking jumpers.

I can dream, I can rant, but it is in vain. Tradition is the bain of progress, so until we respectfully say fuck off to tradition then we will not progress as a National Team or as a Hemisphere and will always be playing catch-up to our antipodien cousins and the orrible Saffa cunts. Hey anyway I dont give a shit, I get my citzenship in 2012 so it'll be Green and Gold so fuck you all, "WALLABIES!!!!"

Wiping your arse, Joe pasquale and the loyal Iranian

Above: Arsewipe

Above: another Arsewipe

Some of you sandal and sock wearing shit suckers have been emailing Lovechickens HQ noticing that I have yet to comment on what some called an embarrassing hammering in the recent LC arse wiping poll. Firstly an embarrassing hammering is being beaten up by Ant or Dec or possibly Joe Pasquale. Secondly – fuck you. The poll was scientific and posh and…and…and…..fuck you.
Above: in squeeky twats voice 'fuck you Terry, these are going in your eyes and then i am going to fucking hammer you' says Joe
Seriously the poll pretty much sures up what has been realised in pub up and down that one place in Fishguard. What was disappointing is that I know more than 24 of you actually read this blog because I get the viewing figures sent to me so therefore you are either pig ignorant, twats or some of the people who leave comments asking if

A: I want to date married women in Slough
B: Want a bigger penis
C: Want to give my money and bank details to a black businessman in Ghana and therefore receive a large portion of his £1 million fortune once he has rested it in my account for a bit
D: want a degree from the University of Ystalyfera

There is a new poll coming this week about your favourite full backs – show some interest and get voting.

Talking about stats – This week this blog has had people from Iran and Singapore reading. I wonder what they find interesting? Is it news of Gavin H, is it that they like being called names or is it they want to find out which way they should wipe their arse. What I do know is that they are welcome, and so are you loyal Lovechickens and chicken wannabees, enjoy Easter (except for you in Iran…)

Magners no more - bring on the bo.....

Above: Welsh regional rugby crowds - the Ospreys have a bigger squad than their average attendance
Well this week saw the ending of a relationship between Magners Irish cider and Celtic (plus Italian) rugby.

It was good while it lasted but they probably got fed up of sponsoring a competition with shit attendances that stopped and started throughout the season and with Irish sides who could play most of the season with people from the local chess club only to include the superstars for the last few weeks and STILL win the league or come in the top four. They were probably fed up of Welsh regions playing in huge mausoleums only half full and in Scotland where Edinburgh plays in front of 20 people in one of the biggest rugby specific grounds in the world.

Am I being too down on it? I don’t think so. The above is true and I think it’s the fault of the Welsh marketing teams who, while they have improved so much in the last few years would still find it hard to market bullet proof vests in Libya. There are upshots and there have been some cracking games, we only have to go back one week to see an amazing game between the Dragons and Ospreys. I think myself a tad unfair to the Irish sides that seem to have it sorted. Munster fans don’t go into apoplectic shock if they have to move ground and turn up to support whoever. The Irish derbies put Wales to shame and Leinster Munster is one of the great games in Europe.
I think interest in rugby in Wales is on the decline and the balance of fun, history, marketing and sense needs to be returned or…well three badly supported regions, never getting to the knock out stages of the Heineken with a national team at the same level as Italy or Scotland beckons.

Finally – Magners. What an annoying fucking product. It costs the same amount as a small east European car and people think its fine because it’s more than a pint. It’s a pint and a bit you fuck wits and most of that bit is ice. ICE! ICE? Since when has self watering down of alcoholic drinks been seen as the norm?
Above: This smug cockcheese puts ice in his cider - is that you? If it is - buck the fuck up....

Yum yum my Bass is lovely and cold because it’s come out of a chilled cream flow cask – what will make it better and me much more up my own arse and pretentious is to have some ice in it.

How much is that? Nearly £5? That’s brilliant because that’s a pint and a bit and now I can walk around with a glass full of ice and a bottle…god I love how adverts influence me.

Grow the fuck up – I can’t wait for the Celtic league to be sponsored by Snakebite….

Are you sitting comfortably? then i will begin....

Above: 'What does that say Grandad'? 'Minge Anthony...minge.....'

Yes I am starting off this blog with a bit of a story. It was a Thursday night and as was usual in the times of shenanigans I was out in the Philly for nurses night. My partner of crime that night was the Chocolate ‘I only punch prisoners that deserve or like it’ Seagull. In there were members of the Welsh rugby team getting bladdered. Nothing wrong with that although it want long before we were tuned in the World cup warm up games. There was one player who was absolutely twatted and for the sake of argument we will call him Ceri Sweeney who bears an incredible likeness to Ceri Sweeney the valley boy looking valley boy who it seems has played for most Welsh sides except the Scarlets, Aberystwyth and Welshpool.He was being a twat and pushing people out of the way and generally being the big ‘I am’. I didn’t like that at all probably because I was pissed, being a twat and wanted to push people out the way. When he came to push me with his shoulder I held firm and pushed back.
I would describe the next few seconds as me and him preparing to do battle in an almost gladiatorial, fighting cock manner. The Chocolate Seagull would describe it as two shit faced knobheads trying to focus on each other and it all ending in some deranged gurn-off while we tried to show that someone was holding us back when nobody actually was. The ace thing is is that Gareth Delve came between us to sort it out. (and the bloke called Sweeney who looks exactly like Ceri Sweeney was saved from probably the greatest hammering of his life). What I am trying to get to is that in the world of rugby there have always been complete tossers who believe their talent albeit untested outside their home village gives them the right to be ignorant arrogant twats. However I must say there are rugby players who are normally top blokes who drink too much sherbert and end up acting a way that would embarrass them.

Above: It was like this but i was a lot more handsomer and i didnt look like spastic -esque singer Paul Potts like the one on the right

Why my story? well in the last few weeks 3 past and present Welsh players have been in the news for being in trouble. A few weeks ago Bradley Davies was bailed for being involved in a fight down in little Birmingham or as it used to be called Saundersfoot. Last week tanned, small faced budgie, Gavin Henson was given a one week ban for fighting with his team mates whilst lovechild of Grotbags from Rodd Hull and Emu fame and Mike Tindall, Andy Powell is in trouble for being beaten up by ‘fans’ of ex-sport footballs QPR.

Does this mean that rugby players have lost their way and we have finally ended up like football. Of course not! rugby players have a long way to go before they end up like footballers who would easily evict their Nan by phone whilst dogging child prostitutes to death before a crowd of team mates and Russian/Arab millionaires. We haven’t gone down the road where its more important that your team of multi-millionaires that represents a place that isn’t in your country or a place that you have actually been to means a lot more to you than your national side and that you hate a player or a fan who supports a team representing a place that he’s never been to but is considered geographically a neighbour more than a paedophile.

Bradley Davies is only 24 and I haven’t heard anything about him being a dick. Gavin Henson is a dick and was probably punched because he was a dick. Andy Powell is so dense that he makes Gavin Henson look like Dr Robert Winston. He probably annoyed those football fans into punching him by insisting there was no such word as qpr or as he was probably saying it ‘cwopper’.
Above: Andy Powell looking at past team photos by the mantelpiece in Wasps rugby club

Anyway what I haven’t been trying to say before I went off on one again – is that there are complete cocks out there who think their special and need to be brought down a peg and there are rugby boys who just misbehave once in a while – you can’t group them and nor should you. I think I will blog on this further later on.

The Heineken cup...um no its another rant!!

Above: Orange fizzoged dunce-meister Henson reckons that dancing in the semi final of a celebrity dance contest is better than winning the Grandslam which is like saying having a tesco chicken salad meal deal with prawn coctail crisps and a bottle of fanta is better than receiving the nobel peace prize

So rugby wise whats been happening in the world of late?

Well I suppose we should at least look at the Heineken cup quarter finals. In complete honesty I did not watch them all but then again that’s not going to stop me commentating on what somebody else wrote about them in the papers the next day.

I’ll start of with the pesky French or in the case of Toulon, the pesky UN. You would think that coming from the same group as the Ospreys they would have learnt that you can have the best players in the world but that doesn’t necessarily make you the best team – that is something completely different. I have an idea about why they may have failed to reach the dizzy heights their bosses, fans, players and world press have laid out for them in a murmuration of expectation.

Its because when they all go out after their match for red wine and shit fish soup and free plates of crisps (for all you Americans that’s ‘chips’ but in our language chips are a Scottish Health product and part of their five a day with Iron bru, fried eggs, dripping, budget no frills whisky and petty extreme violence) and then they get to their tiny Toulon bar with French hookers (not of the Raphael Ibanez kind but the haggard old prossy maked up like a Swansea girl who is in her 60’s kind) in the corner and who have they got to start the singing and partying?

Jonny Wilkinson and Gavin Henson.

One is admittedly class while the other one has it but has yet to fulfill his potential. Wilkinson will go down as one of the all type greats, people concentrate on his kicking but he offers so much more but as lovely a chap as he may be he is boring as fuck. Telling Wilko off for fucking up fuzzy duck and watching him deck three fingers of high energy nutrient shake before he goes off and practices kicking again would be shit. He’s not going to get pissed, show his cock or set one of the boys on fire is he?

Above: Phillip Saint-Andre listens to an hour of feedback from Jonny Wilkinson

As for Henson he’d probably be stuck in the toilets like some retarded Budgie looking at himself in the mirror trying to kiss himself. I would call him thick as mince but I saw mince on tuffers team in Question of sport and he answered more questions that ‘tangerine’ Gav, he also got more laughs then him as well – in fact sue Barker laughed so much she started lactating. This is the man who said that he wanted to completely ignore all the goodwill given to him by the Ospreys and leave them because he wanted to be outside an intense rugby bubble and be close to his kids, so he spends 2 weeks being shit in Saracens before moving to the intenser bubble of southern French rugby and being even further away from his kids.

It doesn’t matter, he probably doesn’t think that he’s in another country anyway and because he’s so thick thinks that their not speaking French but as usual speaking English faster than he can understand. The only reason he spent so much time in OK magazine is because it was the only one he could spell. He is getting better though, he used to be so boring that he’d make one of Fat Mikes 5 hour talks on Croesyceiliog seem like Brian Blessed and Oliver Reed shouting shagging stories at each other in the middle of a German drinking hall to the music of Queen’s ‘it’s a kind of magic’.

Right what was I talking about..the Heineken Cup? Fuck that, I’ll do that another time……..

PS A murmuration is actually a collective noun for starlings

PPS what the fuck is wrong with you fuckers - get voting on the poll or i'm getting Big Will around your house to shit in your sink

i know i'm a bit late on this one but.....

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/south-african-rugby-player-charged-with-axe-murders-2258769.html If he is found guilty will he be forced to drink 5 fingers plus deck a dirty pint - he will also be fined 2 fingers for not asking the chairman permission to go on a killing spree and 3 fingers for showing teeth