Big week ahead

As the Western world teeters on the brink of all-out war the eyes of Wales turn toward the 6 nations and the big showdown with the old enemy. The Scottish call them the auld enemy which shows that maybe education in devolved Wales might not be as bad as first thought.

Like every year we at the Coop have been contacted by literally three people (2 emails and a crayoned letter from Fishguard) asking

‘Where the fuck is your blog?

’ actually the one from Fishguard said ‘were is ur blok’ with a backwards ‘K’ which returns to me to the question of Welsh educashun.

Well I thought I would give you a small fix of unfocussed unknowledgeable spu before the last two rounds. I won’t bother afterwards, I hardly ever do. I get together with the other Lovechickens on Super Saturday and end up so bat faced that I can barely get out of my Transformers jimmy jams never mind type something almost Beano-esque in its splendour and in-depth knowledge.

So what’s happened so far?

The Welsh

When I give my dog a teddy bear, it tears over to it, shakes it in his jaws, meticulously bites a hole in it and then bums the fuck out of it. Afterwards ‘teddy’ or as we called it last time ‘Neil’ just lay there in post coital horror with dachshund puppy making gravy seeping out of the ‘jimmy sized’ hole in its neck. Poor Neil. In my mind he looked and properly felt like the Welsh team did after 80 minutes in Dublin this year. Out played out muscled and out everythinged. It was fucking awful. We didn’t even look dimensional never mind one dimensional and I think we were all concerned that we could perform that way. Great teams have off days but do they get fucked over the way Wales did.

Yeah but what about France?

What about them? They played amazingly for about 20 minutes against England and they played well for half that against Italy who really should have beaten Wales, France and Scotland so far!

These are 15 random people

Grotbags from Emu

Dogtanian (sens muskehounds)

Jean Claude Van Damme

Somebody from Police drama ‘The Bill’

Derwyn Jones

Derek the Weatherman

Gargamel from the Smurfs (Craca hyll to all you Welsh speakers out there)

The artist formerly known as Prince

Dennis the waiter from Charleston’s steakhouse in Cardiff

Roy Walker from Catchphrase

Benny from 70s midlands super soap Crossroads

The bloke who set up cillit bang who shouts in his adverts

Sheriff Buford T Justice

Larry Blackman the red cod piece wearing lead singer with 80s band, Cameo

Arfon Haines Davies

Yes names that trip of the tongue of anybody with a love of contemporary culture, sport and politics but rugby players? Fuck no, not by any stretch of the imagination, but if I would have put that team on the pitch against the French team that faced Wales on that Friday night, other than losing a lot of lineout ball they would’ve have run the beret wearing shrugmonkeys very very close. People in Wales went from driving around the streets of the valleys in the back of landrovers looking for anybody with a Warren Gatlandesque haircut to duff up to a situation where they started naming their children after the Welsh coach even though some of them were in their teens and had their own names. No we haven’t become a shit team overnight but by beating a crap French team we haven’t become the All Blacks after a Mars Bar and a hell of a lot of tropical fruit flavoured Lucozade.

Above: Chris Ashton walks away upset as Colers, Robshawers, Twelvetreers, Hartleyers make sport at the oik, Vunipola-ers is out of shot

Wales have England next and what of the public school Boris XV. Christian Bale lookalike and annoyingly decent chap, Stuart Lancaster is a shrewd coach and they have played pretty well in parts and much better than Wales overall. They should’ve beaten the French and my glorious XV above would’ve also taken apart the Scotland that turned up on the maggot ridden Murrayfield pitch. But against Ireland I thought they were great and tactically astute. They are gaining in confidence which is epitomised by gobshite Danny Care. The back three look exciting even though the winger Nowell looks like he should work spinning waltzers at a fair. England collapsed quicker than a Tongan paper toilet against Wales last year but they shouldn’t even be thinking about that. Momentum is with them and that is coupled with confidence. They have their swagger back, I bet their common room at Hogwarts is all a flutter with the upcoming game and their fags are having an easy time while polishing their heroes’ boots.

Below: No, not the Irish training camp but Nowell's family preparing for training

But Wales HAS got last year and the teams look very much the same. Players such as Adam and Gethin, Jamie and Leigh are world class; if they bring their A game could this be another hiding for the Piers Morgans of the British Isles. Who knows, but one thing I do know is that it will be a hell of a game!