arse pundits

Above:.......................and then i sneaked into his room. Do you know what? I was this close to getting of with Jonny before security found me..........

Lovechickens HQ gets a hell of a lot of emails (Why not comment on the blydi blog!?!) either moaning or extolling the virtues of commentators and pundits. Not long ago arch moaner King of the Gays wrote this beautiful piece of work

'Butler will have been busy. I expect metaphor, drama, historical reference, hyperbole and square rimmed glasses. And a nice coat and scarf combo. Oh, and misty breath, definitely misty breath. We've had misty forest and muddy playing field, so I think EB is going to be waxing lyrical from a frozen duck pond using a bemused swan to illustrate something vague about serenity on the surface and power beneath. And how to live on Mighty White. Right hand will gesticulate wildly, left hand will remain pocketed. Whole thing will end on a question mark and a raised eyebrow'.

although its a little tongue in cheek, its true, no one does a piece to camera like the Bard-like Butler. He's almost like a posh Fresh Prince of Bel air but white and not cool as fuck or a teenager but he remains an enigma, liked and disliked equally. So does Brian Moore, Butler's 'Jazzy Jeff' to his 'Fresh Prince'. When he was a player everybody not wearing a white shirt thought that he was a complete and utter cock and without a shadow of a doubt, he was but the public school boys of the south and the weird subterrain backwards folk of the north of England loved him. And why not? He reigned supreme in a fanastic English pack, he was never short of a few words to generate a bit of excitement and he never took a step backwards. As a pundit a lot of people do not rate him but at least you get a bit of earthy, solid, honesty from him. His arguments with Eddie are funny and it shows they care. He may look like a scrotum sack with facial features but he knows his stuff - fuck rules - everytime a scrum half feeds Ballsack face Brian should be sent in to sort them out.

From the fucking ugly to the fucking sublime - Jerry Gusgott. Class in the centre and class in the studio even though he looked like a cock a while ago with that scarf. I really enjoy it when you have him, Woody and Jiffy in the studio together. Although I still find it hard thinking Jerry was ever a bricky. ok what about the others - when he first started Jonathan Davies (Jiffy) looked like he had come straight from Chip alley and a night having sick competitions in Kiwis to the studio. I think age must have changed him and he his 'bangs' 'numbers' and 'dummy runners' have become as famous as the large gonked one himself. Andy Nichol - shit.

I didnt like Steve Ryder, he was smug and annoying but compared to John inverdale he was Bill Maclaren. There is something of the Alan Partridge about John, he really grips my shit but you have to give credit where its due that he could turn any conversation from the banking crisis to homosexual monkeys having at it all the time back to Jonny Wilkinson. He mentions him more than i mention him mentioning it and thats a lot. I'd prefer Jason Mohammed or Craig Doyle to front up rather than Inverdale. If both teams havent score 7 tries each by half time in the style of a rampant Fijian sevens side against a young St Kitts and Nevis thirds then he thinks its a shit game and when the whistle goes at the end of 40 minutes it comes back to his sad, glum, shit face in the studio, shrugging his shoulders asking his fucking guests why these two evenly matched well drilled international sides arent running around like demented twats entertaining his shitness in the style that he is accostomed to - the twat (breathe).

anyway thoughts on commentators and pundits although i will add that a few weeks ago i listened to the Scotland France game on the radio - it was fantastic.....

banging on about those crucial numbers by Spen the Viking

Above: Jiffy - Massive Hankey - Crucial

Having just watched the Wales v Scotland game, and the subsequent forum on the Red Button, I find myself once again offering up praise for the sensible, rational and non-partisan commentary/punditry of Jonathan Davies. Sure, Andrew Cotter may have said something very funny when he described a mini-montage of Andy Robinson reactions as "Like Springwatch with rage", but for the most part he has verbal diarrhoea. And to boot he insists on referring to the Lamont brothers as "Lamb'nt", as though he's a member of a secret society sending messages across the airwaves to his co-conspirators. So praise be to Jiffy. For being relied upon not only for multiple uses of the words "Crucial", "Numbers", "Bang" and even one "Dummy runner"; but more so for refusing, Steve Ryder-style, to capitulate to minority 'empowerment' by steadfastly pronouncing Lamont properly. I tell you, if a player had got knocked out and he'd said "Bang! R-r-r-ight on the snoooooze button!" I'd have soiled myself. And then, in the Red Button forum, for standing firm against the opinions of Shane "Charisma Bypass" Williams (who incidentally made a serious wardrobe faux pas by breaching the No Jeans rule) and Andy "I'm not biased" Nichol, who insist Wales will trample all over England at Twickenham.

Alright, they'll probably win, but good old Jiffy's not prone to jingoistic hubris. Oh no, he plays his cards close to his chest, remains circumspect, bridges his fingers in front of his nose and quietly says that the young England side have won two away so let's just wait and see shall we, with a glint in his eye. Good on you Jiffy, my 'mutual' friend. Spen The Viking

Dear Rugby can i have that 80 minutes of life that i wasted yesterday back please

Above: Yesterday's game

I was brought up in a rural area and have been on many farms but I have never seen such a pile of shit as there was on offer in the Stadio Olympico yesterday. The England team were so shit that I nearly felt sorry for them and Italy really worked hard and succeeded in being even shitter. It was like watching two extremely thick, ham fisted people playing bouncy catch with a power ball. Can you imagine sitting in a room with no windows and the noise of Jo Brand reading out the phone book for 24 hours being pumped into it – it was that excruciatingly boring. That game has probably put Italian rugby back about 10 years. Italy was so bereft of ideas that I think the Lovechickens would have won comfortably against them. Now as soon as I say anything negative about the English rugby team I am accused of being biased so I think it important to tell these people to fuck off and grow up before saying that if you were happy with that performance then maybe you should go and support kissball with all the other one eyed people. I don’t know whats wrong with them because they have some great players, I certainly like the look of Foden and I mean that in a rugby way not in a try and finger him at the back of Kiwis way. Farrell did some decent work but they looked as dangerous as my Aunt Jeanie from Narberth. For Welsh fans the bad news is that if England picked a lot randomly selected bingo goers from Lincolnshire for the next game they would be an improvement so this team may even click for the big game at HQ in 2 weeks time.
Above: A young fan receives the news that his dad has got him tickets to the next Italy game
Did you spookily notice that I didn’t put up a blog about the France Ireland game? Well I was playing a game of strip kerplunk with Derek the weatherman on Thursday and he let slip that it was going to be a cold one so I didn’t bother. It must be gutting for those poor supporters who made their way over from Ireland or up from the south west of France but the referee made a brave call which was probably the right one. Todays game was a pretty good one – thoroughly entertaining and of course I enjoyed the win. I cant help feel sorry for Andy Robinson that Scotland don’t get the results – if they had played like that against England they would have slaughtered them but they didn’t so they didn’t. I thought Wales played well but they didn’t have a spring in their step, even when the tries came. Toby played well and so did Cuthbert and Halfpenny, I wouldn’t have minded seeing Roberts look around sometimes and I loved the break in the end. That Hogg played well and looks pretty dangerous and was unlucky not to be awarded his try. The ref was shit and would’ve been better suited to reffing Saturdays ‘game’.

Nice to see that massive twat John Inverdale managed to get a mention of Jonny Wilkinson out on Saturday when he mentioned that Ireland could not take on France next week because Stade Francais were playing against him...just him at the Stade de France, i wonder if he makes Mrs Inverdale wear a Jonny mask when they have snuggles with jimmy penetration?

So now we wait to see what will happen to the Ireland france game and look forward to Wales England, France Scotland and Italy Ireland – triple crown game – excited?

My view from Uncle Fester

Above: With Tory cuts a real fear Dyfed Powys' number 1 copper looks forward to his first day as its armed response unit

Dear Lovechickens

Is it me but has there been a Stalinesque state secret in this once great land of ours. Yes we are used to the cult of personality that lasted for 50 plus years in the urals in that SHANE is now everywhere! I appreciate that in 30 years time Arabs will be pulling down the giant statue to the great man erected by the Pick and Shovel in Ammanford and hitting him with their flip flops but has there been a nuclear leak in this country of Chernobyl proportions to produce a back line which most american football defensive lines would be proud.

It is clear that these men are nearly as big as Geoff Wheel which in itself is slightly concerning!! Now I appreciate that George "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" North is the Dr Bruce Banner of Llangefni thanks to a gamma ray experiment gone wrong in the only place of employment up there namely the Sidoli Ice Cream factory however Alex Cuthbert is bigger and also transforms into a giant green-skinned hulk whenever his pulse rate gets too high and somebody in the crowd offers him a cucumber sandwich - without crusts of course.

I for one believe that we need to return to the halycon days of Welsh threequarter wing play - no not Davies, Rees, Williams and Evans but quality players like Arthur "What a handy Cross Kick" Emyr, Alan " What the fuck are you doing with your hands, well actually what the fuck are you doing full stop" Edmunds and who can forget Roy "Steam Train" Mathias - look him up one cap v France in 1970 but runs a shit hot pub in St. Helens, Lancs. Sorry for the Rant - C3PO's Bald Mate - aka Fester, aka Gregster...... ps. I'm with you as I also feel the Greasers will beat the limeys and we may balls it against polite skirt wearers!

drape your jumpers around your shoulders, finish your ice creams and toot the horns of your cars - the Italians are going for the win

Above: Silvio - hey Englishmen - we will defeat you, hey who's that with you? your wife? can i have her? what about your daughter? come back to mine for some bunga bunga but be quiet my mother will be asleep.....

Italy v England – a fixture usually so boring it is akin to Fat Mike talking about the fight that happened between Senghenydd and Risca in division 42 south east B in 2007 for an hour and a half or Gavin Hastings commentating on that actual game- but not this time – no way Hose….

An England team, young and barely recognisable outside their own houses, off the back of a win albeit against a Scottish side with the attacking flair of a quaker (think about it) but up for the challenge. Unchanged but blending the experience of Hodgson (snigger) and Foden with some great prospects this English team could deliver the goods. An Italian side ram packed with caps and not too little talent. The talent is spread too thin but they always pull a performance out of the bag and I don’t think they have had a better time to beat the English. More than double the support they receive at the Stadio Flaminio, full of fizz from Parrisse’s team talk and what is the longest and most exciting national anthems in the world (especially now since Tangisubikstan has changed its anthem from the 12’ version of ‘the only way is up’ by Yazz and the plastic population to ‘God save Tangisubikstan’) the Italians may be too hot to handle.

For once this game may actually down to tactics, I’ve been wrong about nearly every game so far but I still pick Italy to win.

R E S P E C T

Above: Gavin Henson dresses down after a hard days training

From the musings on TV and tweets and general impressions collected my me and the rest of the Lovechickens, Wales need only turn up at half time on Sunday and still come out as winners against the Jockinese. In fact I have heard that Wales have made 15 changes from last week, so confident they are of giving the skirt wearers a hammering and that they have named TV weatherman Derek Brockway as pack leader and have preferred the Celtic guile of Hi-de-hi’s Gladys Pugh rather than stoic Huw Edwards at fly half. Of course to keep the media interested they have named Gavin Henson in the team but he has stated that he will only play if he is allowed to dress like one of the girls on strictly come dancing. He is the only player who has been sponsored by Claire’s accessories and will be the first player in the modern game to wear lots of glitter.

Sorry didn’t know where that all came from. But seriously I don’t think this comes from the Welsh squad but we in Wales seem to be talking about grand slams and Dafydd Jones on last nights Scrum V was only a moments away from saying Wales by 126 points against Scotland every time Ross stuck a microphone under his chin. Lets show a bit of respect, yes we can win and yes we can win well but this is the 6 nations and anything can happen…….

i know its late but i have been hungover..i mean tired

For 10 minutes I thought that France Italy may actually be a game, with the Italians making the hard yards and causing trouble but they need a fly half with a bit of an edge. Kris Burton while looking like the Thing from the Fanatastic Four and having a bit of a peg on him really hasn’t got enough tactical nous. The French looked good with Pikachu Picamoles playing a great game and Rougerie was also fantastic. I did notice a lot of Italians in the crowd and have spoken before in the increase of the tight jeaned, willy touching ones over in Cardiff. Like people from Carmarthenshire they also wear white daps out on the piss but the difference is the Italians are not wearing the same ones they bought in 1989 and theirs cost more than a fiver.

Scotland England – too be honest I have turned into such a shandy arse that I was getting a little drunk by the time this kicked off so I thought it was a pretty easy game to watch but it shows how drunk I was when I was reliably informed by fellow Lovechicken and Chairman of the Aber Baa Baas that the game was in fact – a load of shit. I was going to have a little moan about Dan Parks later but I thought they had no attacking flair and England handled the pressure well. Owen Farrell looked the part…do you know what that really is all I can remember it was only an hour later that I was crying my eyes out for no reason and then watching Morgatron spu through his hands with spray hitting strangers and his friends alike – he was like a giant sick sprinkler.

The final game was a magnificent game – not my words the words of a lot of other non Irish people. Could Wales really complain if Ireland had of won that though? I thought O Connel was everywhere and Kearney was great in the air but in the end tinker passion was thoroughly thwarted by sheepshagging authority. A hell of a lot of Welsh players impressed but Rhys Priestland, kicking aside, really does put players in great positions and those players now have the tactical awareness to actually be there. Shit stirrer extrordinaire Mike Phillips was awesome , he really is a bossy little…..big fucker and you can tell he doesn’t like the Irish. Sometimes I would like him to consider taking one or no steps before passing rather than his customary 23. Bradley Davies should have been sent off for that tackle – no doubts in my mind and that was because I wasn’t drunk, I was trying to concentrate my mind not to be sick in my mouth or to stop my hands from shaking from the mother of all hangovers. One thing that pissed me off was the amount of time Barnes the ref gave for advantage, I bet the Irish are hoping they have him next week in France so he can finish off the advantage that they are still playing for the 65th minute in Ireland.

So what have we learned from this weekend. Wales and France are an attacking force, Ireland aren’t that far behind but are missing Bod. England are starting to get some pride and dog back and Scotland once they get rid of Parks could get better. Italy had flashes but remain pretty crap, I cant drink anymore, dont stand behind Morgan when he’s drinking whisky and don’t stand too close to the wall when you are having a wee.

I will say it again so you can take the piss out of me next week but Italy might do a job on England next week but then again I thought Scotland and Ireland might win so best I just shut it. Next weekend a few chickens will be watching the games in Aberystwyth on Richie Morris stag. Many of his friends are from St Davids so going to Aber is like going on a big city break – they also think that a bitter top is a cocktail.

I'll put a monkey on Medard scoring - £500? no i want to put an actual monkey on it

got a few quid to spare? - Jez Phillips the clubs own amateur booky gives some tips
Above: Poor JPR Williams all those high tackles really did take their toll in the end
France v Italy
France to win comfortably, 20points+ with Dusautoir a brilliant shout for an anytime try scorer.

Scotland v England.
Scotland will WIN. No doubt in my mind that the Scots can do it this time and why not chuck a quid on their captain, Ford, to score.

Ireland v Wales
Wales.. We're better than them, End of. Wales have been given a 5 point start at the bookies, that's money in your pocket.. I'd put my mortgage on it (if I had one that is). Faletau first try scorer at 25/1 is always worth a quid.

France v Ireland
After a shocking start to the campaign I don't think life will get any easier for Ireland.. France to win by 6 and that man Dusautoir to score again, perhaps worth having a flutter on hime to score in every game!?!?

Italy v England
England to win.. Errrr.

Wales v Scotland
Wales will win this game by 10 points

6 nations the return part 2

Above: Paul O Connell has picture taken before he goes out nicking lead off church rooves

So we skip over to the Emerald isle to the land of the half built houses and the stupidly expensive drinks. Everybody wants to talk about Brian and yes he is a big loss but Ireland need to get used to life without him and by being enforced this makes it easier. The new Brian wouldn’t be allowed to make a mistake or have half a bad game without being hauled off ala Sexton. Can the Irish put their amazing dominance of the Heineken cup up to scrutiny of the real deal 6 nations? The first game is going to be a humdinger and whoever wins will really set their stall out for the competition the question is can Wales do it and I can answer that with a definite I don’t have a fucking clue.

Wales will have to be at tippy top level to beat the Irish at home, especially with injuries and the Irish out for a bit of vengeance for that illegal try last year and their humiliating tumpfing in the world cup. What will Wales produce this year though? Where are they going to fit in Hook? The backs are still looking classy and we now have a much more aggressive second row with Evans coming in but will we be able to close out teams. Scoring tries doesn’t seem to be a problem, getting kicks over is and stopping the other fuckers scoring more than us is an even bigger one. Baby faced assassins North, Priestland and Halfpenny are ones to watch.
Above: awww bless don't put Rhys, George and Leigh in the nasty freeze chamber
I don’t know why I ended up with Scotland last maybe it’s because I am not expecting much from them. I am sure a lot of people only watch Scotland games hoping to catch a glimpse of Andy Robinson in the coach’s box stomping around, pacing and getting angrier and angrier until he finally explodes throwing blood, crap and jizz everywhere. They played well in the World cup and STILL lost to England and still failed to put away teams like Uzbekistan. Yes they have a smaller pool of players to choose from but in the end they have got a pool of players, who get paid money to play rugby and are coached by a great coach – excuses have to stop and they have to perform. Maybe its time to get some of the money they spend on fireworks, pipers and a cast of thousands acting out scenes from Bannockburn and Taggart and put it into player development teams – Glasgow and Edinburgh are starting to get results and now its Scotland’s turn….although they have picked Dan Parks who only has 2 sorts of games amazing and absolutely fucking dire.

So there it is. We have our moans and our attacks on the other teams but that is what the 6 nations are about. The build up is always amazing and the banter even better. Its time to get a few beers down your necks, talk about your nations shittest XV, its time to bring out and dust down the old drinking stories and get in touch with your mates, its time to pick Chris Ashton for your fantasy rugby team only to watch him play like a cock but most of all its about rugby, fucking good rugby.

predictions predictions predictions

Above: Is Chris Ashton a Capricorn? No he's a twat

now that the Rooster has asked for just predictions rather than scores - Mystic Megs everywhere have been sending in their musings - some have gone a little further showing nostradamic details - i have included a few here.

The first is from fireman Rhys Bach. This bloke was bitten by a radioactive handsome person as a child and turned into a super handsome being with a body that wouldnt look out of place in a hollyoaks calendar - unfortunately he abused these powers and used them for evil by not trying to get off with every bird in the world and shagging loads of them. People got pissed off with Barry John for retiring at 27 but the world....well the female world is a sadder place without Rhys' willy not in it.

predictions

France v Italy
This will be close.i think France will have a bad start to tournament and pressure of being world cup finalists at home will crack them,and the Italians with Andreas from Uni in the crowd will take it right to the hilt.last 10 mins France will stretch the lead by a few scores and beat them with a decent margin but it will not reflect the game.

Scotland England.
Bored. England will win by putting Scotland and the crowd into a trance.

Ireland v Wales
Now we're talking. Ireland will not lose at home. BUT...they ate favourites and Wales make great underdogs,and on the back of their world cup,Wales will be victorious.i will actually predict a 17-12 score to Wales.only kicking can let Wales down.

France v Ireland
France win this one,but again,close game.irelands heads will drop.

Italy v England
England win,but close shave, 2-3 point margin

Wales v Scotland
Wales will have a confident win but won't play the best rugby,a wins a win.backs will slice through all the time.


The second prediction is from one of our old heroes of this blog - high pitched ginger lummocks Fuzzy. A person so ginger and so high pitched many people take him for a beautiful exotic bird. walks and sounds a bit like C3PO.

Here it is
Scotland v England – dirty haggis noshing, pro ginger, irn bru quaffing sweaties to hoodwink boring dwarf cannodling Saxons, exposing new management and new caps I’ve never heard of’s naiveté.

Ireland v Wales – big top victory. Peg peddling, small handed, caravan dwelling banshees will burst Wales’ bubble – if Wales were home or they could bring back Bob Norster to win some ball they might have scraped a win but there is bob hope of doing it out there without King Bob.

Italy v France – a cheese eating, other mans wife haranguing, horseshit smoking, winon peddling, soap dodging, bycicle riding, CV driving, port blockading victory. With the piglet now at the helm and his mental predecessor off the scene probably bathing in his own shit or something equally bizzare – its going to be a Cachu Pot grand slam year me thinks.

Anyhoo – I’m sure it will all be much fun – other than the fact that BBC have ruined it with its Sunday fixtures – fucking nonsense